nick in* england Posted November 12, 2004 Share Posted November 12, 2004 Notice to all American citizens of Revocation of Independence from the Government of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II To the citizens of the United States of America: In the light of your failure to elect a sane President of the United States and thus to govern yourselves without consideration for the rest of the world, we hereby give notice of the Revocation of your Independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories, except Utah and Ohio, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt Hon, Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:- 1.. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix 'ize' will be replaced by the suffix 'ise'. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up 'vocabulary'. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up 'interspersed' 2.. There is no such thing as 'US English'. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spellchecker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of 'ize' . 3.. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or 'Gasoline' as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the former USA will, in return adopt UK petrol prices (roughly £9/US gallon). 4.. You should relearn your original national anthem 'God Save The Queen', but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through. 5.. You should stop playing American 'football'. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American 'football' is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no else plays 'American' football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Thos of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American 'football', but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty second or wearing full Kevlar body armour like girls). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. 6.. Stop referring to the 'World Series' of baseball and instead call it the 'USA, Cuba and Japanese Championship'. 7.. Learn to enjoy warm flat beer and steak and kidney pudding. Train waitresses to be more aggressive with customers and not to tell you their names before you eat. 8.. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as 'beer' and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as 'Lager'. The substances formerly known as 'American Beer will henceforth be referred to as 'Near-Frozen Knat's Pee', with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose produce will be referred to as 'Weak Near-Frozen Pee'. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion. 9.. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the 'bad guys' 10.. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called 'Revocation Day'. 11.. Driving on the left is now compulsory. 12.. Her Majesty insists you tell us who killed JFK and about Area 51, it's really been driving us crazy. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your co-operation and have a nice day! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussiew Posted November 12, 2004 Share Posted November 12, 2004 It just gets funnier everytime I read it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nick in* england Posted November 12, 2004 Author Share Posted November 12, 2004 Sorry - i just got sent this in an email and was way too god to pass on to you guys... not that i agree with point #5... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Poojer Posted November 12, 2004 Share Posted November 12, 2004 thats pretty funny, i am intrigued at how you actually intend us to pronounce aluminum,i could not get it from that description. and i am all for the beer proposition Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nick in* england Posted November 12, 2004 Author Share Posted November 12, 2004 thats pretty funny, i am intrigued at how you actually intend us to pronounce aluminum,i could not get it from that description. and i am all for the beer proposition 114456[/snapback] oh boy look again it is AL-YOU-MIN-E-UM NOT - A-LOO-MIN-UM Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nick in* england Posted November 12, 2004 Author Share Posted November 12, 2004 It just gets funnier everytime I read it. 114454[/snapback] i knew you'd like it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dan Gross Posted November 12, 2004 Share Posted November 12, 2004 Still missing the part about changing all nouns that end in "er" to the more appropriate "re." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nick in* england Posted November 12, 2004 Author Share Posted November 12, 2004 Still missing the part about changing all nouns that end in "er" to the more appropriate "re." 114465[/snapback] see - you are already in the swing of it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussiew Posted November 12, 2004 Share Posted November 12, 2004 Still missing the part about changing all nouns that end in "er" to the more appropriate "re." theatre, centre etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BRH Posted November 12, 2004 Share Posted November 12, 2004 All I can think of is it took you guys 227 years to think of a comeback. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buckeyemike Posted November 12, 2004 Share Posted November 12, 2004 Notice to all American citizens of Revocation of Independence from theGovernment of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II To the citizens of the United States of America: In the light of your failure to elect a sane President of the United States and thus to govern yourselves without consideration for the rest of the world, we hereby give notice of the Revocation of your Independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories, except Utah and Ohio, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt Hon, Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:- 1.. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix 'ize' will be replaced by the suffix 'ise'. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up 'vocabulary'. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up 'interspersed' 2.. There is no such thing as 'US English'. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spellchecker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of 'ize' . 3.. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or 'Gasoline' as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the former USA will, in return adopt UK petrol prices (roughly £9/US gallon). 4.. You should relearn your original national anthem 'God Save The Queen', but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through. 5.. You should stop playing American 'football'. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American 'football' is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no else plays 'American' football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Thos of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American 'football', but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty second or wearing full Kevlar body armour like girls). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. 6.. Stop referring to the 'World Series' of baseball and instead call it the 'USA, Cuba and Japanese Championship'. 7.. Learn to enjoy warm flat beer and steak and kidney pudding. Train waitresses to be more aggressive with customers and not to tell you their names before you eat. 8.. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as 'beer' and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as 'Lager'. The substances formerly known as 'American Beer will henceforth be referred to as 'Near-Frozen Knat's Pee', with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose produce will be referred to as 'Weak Near-Frozen Pee'. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion. 9.. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the 'bad guys' 10.. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called 'Revocation Day'. 11.. Driving on the left is now compulsory. 12.. Her Majesty insists you tell us who killed JFK and about Area 51, it's really been driving us crazy. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your co-operation and have a nice day! 114449[/snapback] This message was delivered to the wrong nation. It was intended for Canada. Mike Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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