Last post wins!

[Steely Dan]

I'm still first runner up!!

[Cugalabanza]

Damn, it feels good to be a gansta.

[BillsGuyInMalta]

Damn, it feels good to be a gansta.

PC load letter!?

[mead107]

Why do they call it breakfast? Who came up with the name?

[Cugalabanza]

Why do they call it breakfast? Who came up with the name?

I did. I invented breakfast in 1984. I decided it was stupid to wait until noontime every day to eat something. I was hungry in the morning, dammit! I named it breakfast after my particularly energetic style of break dancing which was very popular at the time.

 

You're welcome.

[/dev/null]

PC load letter!?

 

Why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam?

[Beerball]

Why do they call it breakfast? Who came up with the name?

Did you eat anything while you were sleeping?

[BuffaloBill]

Why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam?

 

 

For the same reason that you must go to "start" to stop Windows.

[dib]

kind of like how buildings burn up when they burn down

[Cugalabanza]

These are some deep questions. Deep questions require depantsers.

[Delete This Account]

dammit, polka people, answer me this question: who the hell stole that kishka?

 

jw

[CountDorkula]

dammit, polka people, answer me this question: who the hell stole that kishka?

 

jw

 

Alice!

[Beerball]

Alice!

Alice stole the kishka from the kishka jar?

[Cugalabanza]

Heppa heppa heppa, HEY!

 

Alice stole the kishka from the kishka jar

Alice stole the kishka from the kishka jar

 

POLKA!!!

 

[accordion solo]

[CountDorkula]

Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop. You know the place. Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy

 

Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning, my mother would make me a big bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast

 

I said "Hey, mom, what's with all the sauerkraut?"

And my dear, sweet mother

She just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train

And she leaned right down next to me

And she said "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU"

And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth

And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty six and a half years old

 

That's when I swore that someday

Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place

Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer

And the towels are oh so fluffy

Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long

And anyone on the street will glady shave your back for a nickel

 

 

Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true

Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest

To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt

I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize

That's right, a first class one-way ticket to Albuquerque

 

Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C

And I turned on the SpectraVision

And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow

That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door

 

Well now, who could that be?

I say "Who is it?" No answer

"Who is it?" There's no answer

"WHO IS IT?" They're not sayin' anything

 

So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected

It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril

Oh man, I hate it when I'm right

So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel

And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that"

"That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me"

And he's like "Tough"

And I'm like "Give it"

And he's like "Make me"

And I'm like "'Kay"

So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus, and I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows

And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation

Yes indeed, you better believe it

 

Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel

But I made a a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest

I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice

But first, I decided to buy some donuts

 

So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop

And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter

And he says "Yeah, what do ya want?"

I said "You got any glazed donuts?" He said "No, we're outta glazed donuts"

I said "You got any cinnamon rolls?" He said "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls"

I said "You got any apple fritters?" He said "No, we're outta apple fritters"

I said "You got any bear claws?" He said "Wait a minute, I'll go check". . ."No, we're outta bear claws"

I said "Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?"

He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels"

I said "OK, I'll take that"

 

So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out

And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over

(rabid gnawing sounds)

Oh man, they were just going nuts

They were tearin' me apart

You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head"

I believe it went a little something like this . . .

 

Doh Get 'em off me Get 'em off me

Oh No, get 'em off, get 'em off

Oh, oh God, oh God Oh, get 'em off me Oh, oh God.

 

I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face

Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin'

Like a constipated weiner dog.

 

 

Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me

Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream

That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler

I even made employee of the month after I put that grease fire out with my face

Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that, I was gettin' a lot of attitude

 

OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lot

Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil

When I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself

So I, I say to him, I say "Hey, you want me to help you with that?"

And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes

"No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw"

 

So I did. . .

 

Anyway, um, um, where was I? Kinda lost my train of thought

 

Uh, well, uh, OK

Anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is

 

I . . . HATE . . . SAUERKRAUT

[GoodBye]

Awww, now I feel bad. I'm sorry.

[Beerball]

Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop. You know the place. Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy

 

Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning, my mother would make me a big bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast

 

I said "Hey, mom, what's with all the sauerkraut?"

And my dear, sweet mother

She just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train

And she leaned right down next to me

And she said "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU"

And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth

And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty six and a half years old

 

That's when I swore that someday

Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place

Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer

And the towels are oh so fluffy

Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long

And anyone on the street will glady shave your back for a nickel

 

 

Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true

Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest

To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt

I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize

That's right, a first class one-way ticket to Albuquerque

 

Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C

And I turned on the SpectraVision

And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow

That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door

 

Well now, who could that be?

I say "Who is it?" No answer

"Who is it?" There's no answer

"WHO IS IT?" They're not sayin' anything

 

So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected

It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril

Oh man, I hate it when I'm right

So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel

And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that"

"That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me"

And he's like "Tough"

And I'm like "Give it"

And he's like "Make me"

And I'm like "'Kay"

So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus, and I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows

And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation

Yes indeed, you better believe it

 

Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel

But I made a a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest

I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice

But first, I decided to buy some donuts

 

So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop

And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter

And he says "Yeah, what do ya want?"

I said "You got any glazed donuts?" He said "No, we're outta glazed donuts"

I said "You got any cinnamon rolls?" He said "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls"

I said "You got any apple fritters?" He said "No, we're outta apple fritters"

I said "You got any bear claws?" He said "Wait a minute, I'll go check". . ."No, we're outta bear claws"

I said "Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?"

He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels"

I said "OK, I'll take that"

 

So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out

And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over

(rabid gnawing sounds)

Oh man, they were just going nuts

They were tearin' me apart

You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head"

I believe it went a little something like this . . .

 

Doh Get 'em off me Get 'em off me

Oh No, get 'em off, get 'em off

Oh, oh God, oh God Oh, get 'em off me Oh, oh God.

 

I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face

Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin'

Like a constipated weiner dog.

 

 

Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me

Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream

That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler

I even made employee of the month after I put that grease fire out with my face

Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that, I was gettin' a lot of attitude

 

OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lot

Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil

When I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself

So I, I say to him, I say "Hey, you want me to help you with that?"

And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes

"No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw"

 

So I did. . .

 

Anyway, um, um, where was I? Kinda lost my train of thought

 

Uh, well, uh, OK

Anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is

 

I . . . HATE . . . SAUERKRAUT

wow, great effort. YOU WIN!

 

 

oh, wait...guess you're screwed

[Beerball]

Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop. You know the place. Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy

 

Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning, my mother would make me a big bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast

 

I said "Hey, mom, what's with all the sauerkraut?"

And my dear, sweet mother

She just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train

And she leaned right down next to me

And she said "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU"

And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth

And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty six and a half years old

 

That's when I swore that someday

Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place

Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer

And the towels are oh so fluffy

Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long

And anyone on the street will glady shave your back for a nickel

 

 

Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true

Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest

To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt

I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize

That's right, a first class one-way ticket to Albuquerque

 

Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C

And I turned on the SpectraVision

And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow

That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door

 

Well now, who could that be?

I say "Who is it?" No answer

"Who is it?" There's no answer

"WHO IS IT?" They're not sayin' anything

 

So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected

It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril

Oh man, I hate it when I'm right

So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel

And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that"

"That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me"

And he's like "Tough"

And I'm like "Give it"

And he's like "Make me"

And I'm like "'Kay"

So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus, and I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows

And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation

Yes indeed, you better believe it

 

Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel

But I made a a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest

I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice

But first, I decided to buy some donuts

 

So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop

And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter

And he says "Yeah, what do ya want?"

I said "You got any glazed donuts?" He said "No, we're outta glazed donuts"

I said "You got any cinnamon rolls?" He said "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls"

I said "You got any apple fritters?" He said "No, we're outta apple fritters"

I said "You got any bear claws?" He said "Wait a minute, I'll go check". . ."No, we're outta bear claws"

I said "Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?"

He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels"

I said "OK, I'll take that"

 

So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out

And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over

(rabid gnawing sounds)

Oh man, they were just going nuts

They were tearin' me apart

You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head"

I believe it went a little something like this . . .

 

Doh Get 'em off me Get 'em off me

Oh No, get 'em off, get 'em off

Oh, oh God, oh God Oh, get 'em off me Oh, oh God.

 

I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face

Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin'

Like a constipated weiner dog.

 

 

Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me

Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream

That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler

I even made employee of the month after I put that grease fire out with my face

Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that, I was gettin' a lot of attitude

 

OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lot

Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil

When I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself

So I, I say to him, I say "Hey, you want me to help you with that?"

And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes

"No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw"

 

So I did. . .

 

Anyway, um, um, where was I? Kinda lost my train of thought

 

Uh, well, uh, OK

Anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is

 

I . . . HATE . . . SAUERKRAUT

OK, let me try this again. I screwed things up last time...

 

 

Super effort! Superior creativity. Outstanding Imagry. You are the winner!!!!!!!!

 

damn, I messed it up again...I win, sorry

[mead107]

I win.

[Steely Dan]

I did. I invented breakfast in 1984. I decided it was stupid to wait until noontime every day to eat something. I was hungry in the morning, dammit! I named it breakfast after my particularly energetic style of break dancing which was very popular at the time.

 

You're welcome.

 

 

 

kind of like how buildings burn up when they burn down

 

We drive on a parkway and park on a driveway.