The Queen has revoked our independence

[Peter]

I received this in an e-mail from an English friend of mine.

 

Warning - Don't read the following if you do not have a sense of humor:

 

 

 

To the citizens of the United States of America :-

 

In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate

effect:

 

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U'

will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not

'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh.

You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

 

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

 

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

 

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.

It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g.

Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

 

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

 

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

 

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

 

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

 

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler.

 

Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

 

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

 

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are cr*p and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

 

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

 

Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

 

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in

Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

 

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

 

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".

 

The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

 

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

 

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

 

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

 

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

[chicot]

I received this in an e-mail from an English friend of mine.

 

Warning - Don't read the following if you do not have a sense of humor:

 

To the citizens of the United States of America :-

 

In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate

effect:

 

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U'

will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not

'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh.

You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. 

 

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

 

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

 

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.

It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g.

Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

 

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

 

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

 

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. 

 

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

 

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. 

 

Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

 

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

 

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are cr*p and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. 

 

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. 

 

Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

 

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in

Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

 

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

 

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".

 

The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

 

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

 

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

 

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

 

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

103078[/snapback]

 

I think this actually was written just after the 2000 election (I remember seeing it a few years ago).

[Dan Gross]

Cute. It had its moments...They forgot to mention that all words ending with "er" will now end in "re" (theatre, centre).

[Campy]

Cute.  It had its moments...They forgot to mention that all words ending with "er" will now end in "re" (theatre, centre).

104456[/snapback]

Pretty good stuff. I really liked 11, "Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy."

[/dev/null]

that was funny 4 years ago

[stuckincincy]

Nice for them that Britian makes large tourist $$$ because of the Queen, and that they don't speak German. What a terrible intervention by those Americans, years ago...

[Alaska Darin]

I think that was funny the first time I read it 8 or more years ago. My response to it now is the same: It's nice that the British think they are smarter than us. However, anyone who thinks it's OK to continue give up a ton of cash and land to people because of their lineage/birthright ain't anywhere NEAR as smart as they think they are.

[Peter]

As I wrote when I originally posted this, don't read it if you do not have a sense of humor.

 

You guys are so easily offended. It is a friggen joke. Whether it was circulated four years ago, it is still very funny.

[Alaska Darin]

As I wrote when I originally posted this, don't read it if you do not have a sense of humor.

 

You guys are so easily offended. It is a friggen joke.  Whether it was circulated four years ago, it is still very funny.

107952[/snapback]

I didn't say it wasn't funny. It's simply lost it's luster because it's been recirculated after each Presidential election. Lighten up, mate.

[Peter]

I didn't say it wasn't funny.  It's simply lost it's luster because it's been recirculated after each Presidential election.  Lighten up, mate.

107961[/snapback]

 

Thanks mate. I am now going to have a slash and then take a kip after having some chips.

[stuckincincy]

As I wrote when I originally posted this, don't read it if you do not have a sense of humor.

 

You guys are so easily offended. It is a friggen joke.  Whether it was circulated four years ago, it is still very funny.

107952[/snapback]

 

If it was originally meant as humor, so be it. But it never was. We guys are not so easily offended - far from it. Unlike the left, we do not wring our hands and cry over every perceived slight or disagreement.

 

What we do understand, is smarminess - if that's a word.

[Peter]

If it was originally meant as humor, so be it. But it never was.  We guys are not so easily offended - far from it. Unlike the left, we do not wring our hands and cry over every perceived slight or disagreement.

 

What we do understand, is smarminess - if that's a word.

107980[/snapback]

 

How many times do I have to remind you that I am not a liberal.

 

Also, I am afraid to say that, in my humble opinion, some of you guys are easily offended.

[stuckincincy]

How many times do I have to remind you that I am not a liberal.

 

Also, I am afraid to say that, in my humble opinion, some of you guys are easily offended.

108001[/snapback]

 

Noted. I understand that you see both sides, Peter.

 

And yes, some are. But one half will always reply to the outlandish statements of the other half, regardless of "which" side initiates.

 

That's just the way people are. And as the acrimony goes back and forth, the personal attacks are few here, and almost all of us seem to recover for another day of piddling on each other's shoes.

 

That's how America operates - Thank God.

[Mickey]

Thanks mate.  I am now going to have a slash and then take a kip after having some chips.

107976[/snapback]

First time I've seen it and yeah, it was pretty funny. Like it or not, there is a bond between the US and England that football, driving on the left and queens can't ever dissolve. No one can deny that they are our most dependable ally. There is not a nation in Europe I would rather have on my side. That and they gave us Monty Python as well. Got to give them props for that.

[Alaska Darin]

First time I've seen it and yeah, it was pretty funny.  Like it or not, there is a bond between the US and England that football, driving on the left and queens can't ever dissolve.  No one can deny that they are our most dependable ally.  There is not a nation in Europe I would rather have on my side.  That and they gave us Monty Python as well.  Got to give them props for that.

108042[/snapback]

Don't forget Benny Hill. Gotta love Benny Hill.

[/dev/null]

First time I've seen it and yeah, it was pretty funny.  Like it or not, there is a bond between the US and England that football, driving on the left and queens can't ever dissolve.  No one can deny that they are our most dependable ally.  There is not a nation in Europe I would rather have on my side.  That and they gave us Monty Python as well.  Got to give them props for that.

108042[/snapback]

 

i'm pretty sure the british feel the same about us. we may have some differences, but we feel safe with england watching our back. and given the rest of europe and the world for that matter, i'm sure there's nobody else the brits would want watching their back than us

 

and of course there's python i'd much rather have an ally who can fight and has a real sense of humour than one who surrenders and gets a kick out of jerry lewis

[Peter]

First time I've seen it and yeah, it was pretty funny.  Like it or not, there is a bond between the US and England that football, driving on the left and queens can't ever dissolve.  No one can deny that they are our most dependable ally.  There is not a nation in Europe I would rather have on my side.  That and they gave us Monty Python as well.  Got to give them props for that.

108042[/snapback]

 

I totally agree. They are great allies. We know that we can always rely on them and they can always rely on us.

 

I always thought that it would be interesting to establish an economic union with them, Canada, and Australia - free trade and movement.

[Campy]

almost all of us seem to recover for another day of piddling on each other's shoes.

108036[/snapback]

I've been meaning to ask you to stop doing that. It's creating a terrible aroma, and now all of the neigborhood dogs try to mark their territory on me when I step outside of the house.

[aussiew]

No one can deny that they are our most dependable ally.

 

The Aussies have that honor, not the Brits.

 

This is the first time I've seen this. It's funny. And very true about the potato chips and the beer.

[Peter]

The Aussies have that honor, not the Brits. 

 

This is the first time I've seen this.  It's funny. And very true about the potato chips and the beer.

109024[/snapback]

 

Revision: No one can deny that the British and Australians are our most dependable allies.