Hazed and Amuzed Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 I just read a pretty funny email. I'm not sure how many on here are a fan of Patton Oswalt but he wrote a Blog about Jason Statham that I thought was pretty damn funny so I thought I would share: GAY-THAM FOR STATHAM Jason Statham has never been in a great movie. He's also never been in a boring one. Statham's imdb.com profile, collectively, is a promise to you, the weary filmgoer. It's a promise that says, "I promise that you will not FOR ONE SECOND be bored during one of my movies. You won't learn sh-- about the human condition, or feel a collective connection with the brotherhood of man. But if you give me $10, I will !@#$ an explosion while a Slayer song plays". I just watched CRANK on Showtime, and I can't understand how I missed this when it was in theaters. I'm buying THE BANK JOB and DEATHRACE on iTunes today. After CRANK, Mr. Statham can count on my $10 every time he makes a movie. If someone figures out how to make a movie for $8, and it stars Jason Statham, then they're guaranteed a $2 profit. I look forward to any new film by Ang Lee, David Gordon Green, Paul Thomas Anderson, The Coen Brothers, Paul Greengrass or Ross McElwee. And now, Jason Statham. I don't know how much say he has in the films he makes. But I get the impression that he reads the scripts. And if the script doesn't make him want to drive a bulldozer through a cake store, I'll bet he punches the script through a wall. In fact, my entire stack of Academy screeners would have been vastly improved by the addition of Jason Statham. Here we go: CHANGELING: Jason Statham plays the kidnapped boy, who immediately beats his kidnappers to death, then fights female assassins on top of a blimp. CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON: Jason Statham injects the backward-aging man-freak with a Sino/Chilean rage compound, and they fight in lava pit. DEFIANCE: Jason Statham throws Hitler into a woodchipper, eats the entrails as they fly out the other end, and then ***** out Winston Churchill. DOUBT: Jason Statham drop-kicks the Pope through the core of the Earth, and the Pope's head goes up Meryl Streep's ass and then Motorhead's "The Ace of Spades" plays. FROST/NIXON: Jason Statham pulls off David Frost's skin, drops him into a tank of sea salt, and then Statham and Nixon rent a limo and drive across country, shotgunning hippies. GRAN TORINO: Jason Statham glowers at Clint Eastwood, who glowers back, creating a Glower Vortex which destroys the planet. THE READER: Statham kills the teenage kid with a lawnmower, then !@#$s Kate Winslet literate. REVOLUTIONARY ROAD: Jason Statham drives an 18-wheeler full of nitro into the title suburb, blows everything to sh--, and then spends 90 minutes hunting down absolutely everyone involved with the making of this film, beating them to death with TV trays. THE WRESTLER: Jason Statham, Richard Nixon, the 'roided-out Benjamin Button murder-freak, the Churchill feces-baby and Mickey Rourke drive cross country in a limo, with Leo DiCaprio's severed head on the hood, where they crash the Spirit Awards and kill everyone. There you go. Statham! Full disclosure: I saw Jason Statham eating a salad at Joan's on 3rd, here in L.A. Really, I did. I wanted to say hello, but he seemed like he could chuck an arugula leaf through my skull. Do yourselves a favor, Academy voters. CRANK 2: HIGH VOLTAGE comes out April 19th. On April 20th, rescind all the voting categories. There should be one statue given out next year -- a 45-foot, sentient Oscar kill-bot, which Jason Statham will fight to the death at the next ceremony. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BUFFALOTONE Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 Patton Oswalt is about as funny as cancer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dean Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 I think Patton Oswalt is a GREAT stand up comic and a good comedy writer, to boot. He does a great job with the Comedians of Comedy tour. (Although I noticed that Dane Cook was on one of the live shows. WTF is Dane freaking Cook doing on that tour? What a disappointment.) OTOH, I have no idea who Jason Statham is. I looked at his IMDB page and I still don't know who he is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hazed and Amuzed Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 I think Patton Oswalt is a GREAT stand up comic and a good comedy writer, to boot. He does a great job with the Comedians of Comedy tour. (Although I noticed that Dane Cook was on one of the live shows. WTF is Dane freaking Cook doing on that tour? What a disappointment.) OTOH, I have no idea who Jason Statham is. I looked at his IMDB page and I still don't know who he is. I agree. Dane Cook does not belong in that group. He is good for what he does but that tour is out of his league. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beerball Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 My favorite: DEFIANCE: Jason Statham throws Hitler into a woodchipper, eats the entrails as they fly out the other end, and then ***** out Winston Churchill. Tho Leo's severed head would make a fine ornament. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dean Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 I agree. Dane Cook does not belong in that group. He is good for what he does but that tour is out of his league. Honestly, I think Cook is the least funny stand up I have ever seen. I've laughed more watching freakin Carrot Top. But, regardless of whether or not one finds his posing funny, he doesn't belong in a group of "alternative" comics. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hazed and Amuzed Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 Honestly, I think Cook is the least funny stand up I have ever seen. I've laughed more watching freakin Carrot Top. But, regardless of whether or not one finds his posing funny, he doesn't belong in a group of "alternative" comics. I've never seen him live, nor do I want to but he has a group of 16-25 year olds that love his stuff. I have yet to see any movies with him either so I'm not-so-sure how well he does on the big screen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dean Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 I've never seen him live, nor do I want to but he has a group of 16-25 year olds that love his stuff. I have yet to see any movies with him either so I'm not-so-sure how well he does on the big screen. I have never seen him live, either, but I think I can judge from his live TV specials. I have seen in him some movies and he is not intolerable...he's OK. I think the main attribute of his stand up, is acting (and posing) anyway. He is very good at voice inflections and has a physical command of the stage. The problem is, his material stinks. (Although his crowds don't care, as they are laughing and applauding before he even says anything funny.) What little material he has that is actually funny, is stolen to a large degree...or at least that's the charge (and there is proof available for some of the accusations). Ability to work the stage does not = comedy, IMO. If one likes that style of comedian, but is actually looking for material, I suggest a guy like Brian Regan. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hazed and Amuzed Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 I have never seen him live, either, but I think I can judge from his live TV specials. I have seen in him some movies and he is not intolerable...he's OK. I think the main attribute of his stand up, is acting (and posing) anyway. He is very good at voice inflections and has a physical command of the stage. The problem is, his material stinks. (Although his crowds don't care, as they are laughing and applauding before he even says anything funny.) What little material he has that is actually funny, is stolen to a large degree...or at least that's the charge (and there is proof available for some of the accusations). Ability to work the stage does not = comedy, IMO. If one likes that style of comedian, but is actually looking for material, I suggest a guy like Brian Regan. I've heard that Cook was a material thief. Is it as bad as Mencia's thievery? Brian Reagan is GREAT. His first Comedy Central presents is one of my favorites. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dean Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 I've heard that Cook was a material thief. Is it as bad as Mencia's thievery?Brian Reagan is GREAT. His first Comedy Central presents is one of my favorites. I'm not sure who is the worse thief, Mencia or Cook. I'd guess Mencia, because he actually has more good material (much of it stolen). Maybe Cook needs to steal more good stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SageAgainstTheMachine Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 I think Patton Oswalt is a GREAT stand up comic and a good comedy writer, to boot. He does a great job with the Comedians of Comedy tour. (Although I noticed that Dane Cook was on one of the live shows. WTF is Dane freaking Cook doing on that tour? What a disappointment.) OTOH, I have no idea who Jason Statham is. I looked at his IMDB page and I still don't know who he is. Statham is probably best known for being Handsome Rob, the driver, in the remake of The Italian Job. He stars in your basic explosion action movie fare. And youre correct about Dane Cook, he is possibly the least funny comedian to ever hit it big. For some reason, it seems like every young person except for me is completely obsessed with him. I don't get it, the guy doesnt make jokes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mantis Toboggan M.D Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 Statham is the new generations Arnold. 80s action star in the 21st century. Totally badass. Do yourself a favor and watch all 3 Transporters and Crank. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MattyT Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 Statham is probably best known for being Handsome Rob, the driver, in the remake of The Italian Job. He stars in your basic explosion action movie fare. And youre correct about Dane Cook, he is possibly the least funny comedian to ever hit it big. For some reason, it seems like every young person except for me is completely obsessed with him. I don't get it, the guy doesnt make jokes. I know Statham best from The Transporter. Oswalt is one of those guys who is always funnier than I think he's gonna be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hazed and Amuzed Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 Statham is the new generations Arnold. 80s action star in the 21st century.Totally badass. Do yourself a favor and watch all 3 Transporters and Crank. Try not to watch all 4 in a row however, you may end up biting the head off your pet and putting your head through a fence Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mantis Toboggan M.D Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 Try not to watch all 4 in a row however, you may end up biting the head off your pet and putting your head through a fence That might happen just from watching Crank. You might want to snort crack off a bathroom floor or inject yourself with some epinephrine. It might just be the thing to do now in the 21st century. Crank most certainly suggests so. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hazed and Amuzed Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 That might happen just from watching Crank. You might want to snort crack off a bathroom floor or inject yourself with some epinephrine. It might just be the thing to do now in the 21st century. Crank most certainly suggests so. Why? Is it weird to do those things? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RayFinkle Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 Bank Job is a great movie. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dante Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 He was in "Snatch" as well. One of my favorite movies of the last 5-6 years or so Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stuckincincy Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 I just read a pretty funny email. I'm not sure how many on here are a fan of Patton Oswalt but he wrote a Blog about Jason Statham that I thought was pretty damn funny so I thought I would share: GAY-THAM FOR STATHAM Who are these people? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GoodBye Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Jason Statham = Hhhhot! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts