EndZoneCrew Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 You know that in your everyday lives, you have quoted, memorized or repeated a line from Seinfeld that makes you laugh uncontrollably...I have about 500 of these but one of my favorites was when "Crazy" Joe Davola left this message on Jerry's machine: --Jerry, Joe Davola. *Pbt.* *Pbt.* *Pbt.* I have a hair on my tongue; I can't get it off. You know how much I hate that? 'Course you do, you put it there. I know what you said about me, Seinfeld. I know you badmouthed me to the execs at NBC, put the kibosh on my deal. Now I'm going to put the kibosh on you. You know I've kiboshed before, and I will kibosh again What's yours? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BUFFALOTONE Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 Frank Costanza when George gets arrested for bootlegging movies and they are at the precinct and he and Elaine are arguing: Frank: "Who put you up to this? My boys not smart enough to hatch a scheme like this" Elaine: "You got that right!" Frank: "What the hell does that mean?" Elaine: "It means whatever the hell you want it to mean." Frank: "Are you saying....... you want a piece of me?" Elaine: "I could drop you like a bag of dirt." Frank: " You want a piece of me?!! ...........You got it!!" The out takes of that scene are hilarious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrew in CA Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 George: So, what's going on with you and Melanie? I mean, I know you're not getting married, but uh, things are happening? Jerry: Well...actually, we kind of broke up. George: You what? Jerry: Well, you know, we were having dinner the other night, and she's got this strangest habit. She eats her peas one at a time. You've never seen anything like it. It takes her an hour to finish them. I mean, we've had dinner other times. I've seen her eat Corn Niblets. But she scooped them. George: . . . she scooped her niblets? Jerry: Yes. That's what was so vexing. HAL: What is that smell? ELAINE: What smell? HAL: I think it's the mattress. Did something happen to it. ELAINE: No no, oh, you know what that is? I um, went claming the other day and I forgot to hose off my boots. HAL: Claming? ELAINE: Yeah, clam and scallop. I clam and scallop. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EndZoneCrew Posted October 7, 2008 Author Share Posted October 7, 2008 JERRY: Oh God, it's Joe Devola. GEORGE: Who? JERRY: This guy's a writer, he's a total nut. I think he goes to the same shrink as Elaine. JERRY: Oh God he saw me. DEVOLA: Hello Jerry. JERRY: Hey Joe! HOW YOU DOING? DEVOLA: You're under no obligation to shake my hand. JERRY: Oh, no, Just a custom. Uh, THAT'S MY FRIEND GEORGE. YOU LOOK GOOD. DEVOLA: Why shouldn't I look good? JERRY: Oh, no reason. You're into karate right? DEVOLA: You want to hit me? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillsFanNC Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 Jerry: There's been a big misunderstanding here! We did that whole thing for your benefit. We knew you were eavesdropping. That's why my friend said all that. It was on purpose! We're not gay! Not that there's anything wrong with that... George: No, of course not... Jerry: I mean that's fine if that's who you are... George: Absolutely... Jerry: I mean I have many gay friends... George: My father is gay... Sharon: Look, I know what I heard. Jerry: It was a joke... George: Look, you wanna have sex right now? Do want to have sex with me right now? Let's go! C'mon, let's go baby! C'mon! Kramer: Hey, C'mon! Let's go! I thought we were going to take a steam! George: No! Jerry: No steam! Kramer: Well I don't want to sit there naked all by myself! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LabattBlue Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 George: How do women know about shrinkage? (They see Elaine walking down the hall) Elaine! Get! (She enters) Do women know about shrinkage? Elaine: What do you mean, like laundry? George: No. Jerry: Like when a man goes swimming... afterwards... Elaine: It shrinks? Jerry: Like a frightened turtle! Elaine: Why does it shrink? George: It just does. Elaine: I don't know how you guys walk around with those things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LabattBlue Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 Kramer: What are you starting with me for? You know this is my crazy time o' year?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ieatcrayonz Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 Kramer: "RUSTY!!!!!!!!!!" Jerry: "I don't wanna be a Pirate" My favorite isn't really a line because no one speaks. Elaine gets into art and starts doing sculpture. Unwittingly, she makes a sculpture that looks a lot like a female body part. Everyone who sees it just tilts their head and their jaw drops. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cornerville Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 Jerry: Can't you see what's going on here...no boxers, no briefs....say it ain't so... Kramer: Oh it's be so...I'm out there Jerry and I'm LOVING every minute of it!! I'm free, I'm unfettered...I'm like an innocent naked boy roaming the countryside!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EndZoneCrew Posted October 7, 2008 Author Share Posted October 7, 2008 Kramer: Hey man, so how was the rest of Death Blow? Jerry: How was the rest of Death Blow? Kramer: Yeah, who got the final Death Blow, 'cause I thought that Hawaiian guy had it comin' to him! Jerry: Kramer, you make me get a ticket for this friend of yours and then the guy forces me to bootleg the movie at gun point! Kramer: He's quite a character, isn't he? Jerry: You know, he came by here at 3 o'clock in the morning to pick up the tape. I was scared out of my mind! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nervous Guy Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 I actually have used portions of this dialog from time to time.... Jerry talking to George: ....You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level. Like where Freud studied and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That's what I'm talking about because that's the only way you're going to get better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EndZoneCrew Posted October 7, 2008 Author Share Posted October 7, 2008 Kramer: Sniffing, what do you mean sniffing? Jerry: Sniffing, with his nose. Kramer: Jerry, he probably had a cold. Jerry: No, I asked him. Kramer: So, what are you saying? Jerry: I don't know, you know, what if...? Kramer: Drugs? You think he's on drugs? Jerry: I don't know. All I know he was sniffing. Kramer: Jerry, listen, we went in on a CD together. Jerry: I know. Kramer: And Newman gave you money too. I didn't even meet this guy. We trusted you. Jerry: Look, it doesn't necessarily mean anything yet, it just means he was sniffing. Kramer: Well, what else? Was he nervous? Did he use a lot of slang? Did he use the word 'man'? Jerry: No, he didn't use 'man'. Kramer: I mean when he was leaving did he say I'm splittin' ? Jerry: No, but in one point he did use the bathroom. Kramer: Whoh! Jerry: Do you think that's a bad sign? Kramer: Yes!! Yes, that's what they do! They live in the bathroom! All right, what are we going to do? We are going to get our money back, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
webtoe Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 I would have to look it up, but one of my favorite monologues was by Mr. Bookman the library cop. 'I've got news for you Joy-boy' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Philly McButterpants Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 I could do this all day . . . KATYA: He'll be all right. I must go and be with Misha now. I don't want you to come with me. JERRY: Oh, why not? KATYA: It has been three days since our night together. Misha said that was all the time I needed to put in. JERRY: Really? KATYA: In my country, they speak of a man so virile, so potent, that to spend a night with such a man is to enter a world of such sensual delights most women dare not dream of. This man is known as the "Comedian". You may tell jokes, Mr. Jerry Seinfeld, but you are no Comedian. ******************************************************************************** *********************** GEORGE: Um, excuse me, I - I think you forgot my bread. SOUP NAZI: Bread -- $2 extra. GEORGE: $2? But everyone in front of me got free bread. SOUP NAZI: You want bread? GEORGE: Yes, please. SOUP NAZI: $3! GEORGE: What? SOUP NAZI: No soup for you! ******************************************************************************** ********************** I use this one all the time: George: The sea was angry that day my friends, like an old man trying to return soup at a deli! ******************************************************************************** ********************** Jerry's Girlfriend (Jamie Gertz) no I don't have a square to spare, I can't spare a square ******************************************************************************** ********************** Every time we have Salmon or Tuna: George : Yeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always have tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of tuna on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, untoasted ... and a cup of tea. Jerry : You know chicken salad is not the opposite of tuna, salmon is the opposite of tuna, 'cos salmon swim against the current, and the tuna swim with it. Gotta stop there . . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KD in CA Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 George: The sea was angry that day my friends, like an old man trying to return soup at a deli! Is anyone here a marine biologist?!?? Definitely my favorite line and one of the best written episodes. But the best rant was Kramers' in the Engagement episode, just after Jerry and George made the 'pact': Jerry: I had a very interesting lunch with George Costanza. Kramer: Really? Jerry: We were talking about our lives, and we both kind of realized we're kids; we're not men. Kramer: So then you asked yourselves, "Isn't there something more to life?" Jerry: Yes! We did! Kramer: Yeah, well, let me clue you in on something: there isn't. Jerry: There isn't? Kramer: Absolutely not. I mean, what are you thinking about Jerry? Marriage? Family? Jerry: Well ... Kramer: They're prisons! Man-made prisons. You're doing time! You get up in the morning, she's there. You go to sleep at night, she's there. It's like you gotta ask permission to use the bathroom. (pleading voice) "Is it all right if I use the bathroom now?" Jerry: Really? Kramer: Yeah, and you can forget about watching TV while you're eating. Jerry: I can? Kramer: Oh, yeah! You know why? Because it's dinner time. And you know what you do at dinner? Jerry: What? Kramer: You talk about your day! "How was your day today? Did you have a good day today or a bad day today? Well, what kind of day was it? I don't know, how 'bout you, how was your day?" Jerry: Boy! Kramer: It's sad, Jerry. It's a sad state of affairs. Jerry: I'm glad we had this talk. Kramer: Oh, you have no idea! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chef Jim Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 All mine from The Yada Yada Kramer: You think that dentists are so different from me and you? They came to this country just like everybody else, in search of a dream. Jerry: Kramer, he's just a dentist. Kramer: Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite. Jerry: I am not an anti-dentite! Kramer: You're a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs. "Hey, denty!" Next thing you know you're saying they should have their own schools. Jerry: They do have their own schools! Jerry: I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism just for the jokes. Father: And this offends you as a Jewish person. Jerry: No, it offends me as a comedian. Elaine: I've yada yada'd sex. George: Really? Elaine: Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again. Jerry: But you yada yada'd over the best part. Elaine: No, I mentioned the bisque. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EndZoneCrew Posted October 7, 2008 Author Share Posted October 7, 2008 Kramer, inspecting Jerry's van: "So, how come you're selling it?" Jerry: "You know why I'm selling it. I hate it." Kramer: "How many miles?" Jerry: "Two." Kramer: "City or highway?" Jerry: "Look, do you really want to buy this thing, or what?" Kramer, breaking the antenna: "Hey, hey. Take it easy. I'm not gonna be pressured. I'll walk away right now. Is this thing bent? I'm not paying for that." Jerry: "All right, just get out of here." Kramer: "All right, look. I'm going to be honest. I'm very interested in the van." Jerry: "OK, fine. 'What do I have to do to put you in this van today?'" Kramer, pointing to the newspaper ad: "Well, I don't really have any money. But it says right here, 'interesting trades considered'." Jerry: "You put that in!" Kramer, pulling out an undershirt: "And I'm glad I did. Here." Jerry: "You want to trade me an undershirt?" Kramer: "No, I want to trade you screen legend Anthony Quinn's undershirt. He took this off to do sit-ups in the park and I nabbed it." Jerry: "That's disgusting." Kramer: "Well, it's my final offer." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LabattBlue Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 Possibly my all-time favorite Seinfeld moment... ELAINE: You want a Christmas card? You want a Christmas card? All right here. [rubs George's head on her breasts] Here's your Christmas card. :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Indy Dave Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 One of my favorite lines comes from the episode where Steinbrenner thinks there is a bomb in George's desk. The bomb squad sends in a robot, mounted with a camera, to examine it. Watching from Steinbrenner's office, the squad has the robot open up the top drawer in George's desk, revealing a Snickers bar and a copy of Playboy. And Steinbrenner utters: "Empty calories and male curiosity, eh Georgie?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buckeyemike Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 This is my favorite: (in Jerry's apartment) Kramer: [phone rings, Kramer picks up the phone] Hello... What Delay Industries? George: [yelling from the bathroom] Vandelay! Say Vandelay! Kramer: No, you're way, way, way off. Well yeah, that's the right number, but this is an apartment. George: [rushes out of the toilet with his pants on his knees] Vandelay! Say Vandelay Industries! [falls down] Kramer: Yeah, no problem. [hangs up phone] Kramer: How did you know who that was? Jerry: [enters apartment, sees George lying on the floor with his pants on his ankles] And you wanna be my latex salesman? :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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