What to do with my older sister

[HelloNewman]

I have an older sister (4 years) who is married and lives out of town in VA while I live in NY. I am 38 and she is 42. She is married and has an adopted daughter from China who is 2.5yrs old (very cute and I love her to death) and I have a daughter who is 22 months who amazes me everyday and I love very much like any father would. We lead very different lives...she is a top executive earning 180,000/yr and I barely crack 30,000/yr . She lives her life in controlled chaos. She is highly opinionated, thinks it is "all about her" in life due to her job status, loves money, loves to spend money, loves to yell when she disciplines her daughter, loves confrontation, feels she is entitled to know everything about me, and has zero sense of humor, and walks around with her emotions on her sleeve all the time. My wife and I run a quiet household where discipline is firm and not loud, my daughter is a great kid who listens 98% of the time, gets praise when she puts something away or does something helpful, is very smart, and my wife and I try our hardest to make sure she grows up with a sense of self esteem. We are not the perfect parents by any means and we have our struggles like anyone else. We run a household that is much more low key and less chaotic than my sister. Anyway, the whole point is... we are just two very different people and I am glad she lives far away cause she drives me nuts with her lack of respect for me as a 38 year old man. Her and her husband like to treat me as if I am an invalid who wears depends and lives secluded in a basement and cannot possibly handle life for some reason that is beyond me.

 

Well my wife and I decided that it is important for our daughter to spend time with her cousin even though it is going to require a 10 hour car trip and other expenses on our part. We think it is important for my daughter to see family regardless of what I think of them. So I made sure I try my darndest to "bite my tongue" to be civil when my sister says or does something inappropriate towards me or my family. So we made the trip and went to visit and made sure we stayed in a hotel to get a break when needed. Sure enough not even 1/2 day into our 3 day visit the toxicity starts. Here are some examples....

 

1) I ask if it is ok to watch some TV while the kids go out and play with their respective mothers watching them....my sister tells me to not touch anything on the remote in a tone like I was 3 yrs old and proceeds to turn it on for me and shows me how to change the channel and turn the volume up and down on a simple basic remote. (They have no elaborate setup here and I can figure it out myself since I have one at home thank you.)

 

2) I ask if it is ok to run some wash at her house since the hotel does not have one. She proceeds to tell me that I have only permission to push "power" then "start only"on both units because it is an expensive machine. I own 2 expensive machines at home with many buttons and I have not broken anything so far. (I guess I am too dumb to figure out how to select cycles/temps on a machine which is pretty self explanatory.)

 

3) We constantly get unsolicited advice and warnings from them about how we should be raising our child and statements like "Just you wait until she reaches 3 then you will know how tough it is like what we are going through now." She tends to imply that we have no idea what it is like to raise a child. Her opinions are the only ones that matter even though her family unit is toxic.

 

4) Both her and her husband like to yell at their daughter and if my daughter is next to her cousin while the yelling is going on it frightens her and she starts to get scared and cries. They have no concept of how loud they are and to pull their kid aside and discipline them. Needless to say this angers us to no end and we mentioned it to them but it falls on deaf ears.

 

Anyway, after many instances of being talked down to.....the 3rd day into our visit and I have no more tongue left from biting it so hard....Our daughter goes to bed at 7:30-8pm and I let my sis know at 4:45pm that we need to go back to the hotel at 7:30pm after a long visit. My sister proceeds to tell me "7:30?? Isn't that a little early?" Her child has a much later bed time and they are constantly running late for everything they do. The husband goes out to a nearby grocery store to get food to grill on at 4:50pm and the kids and mommies go out to play in the yard after I have received my instruction on how operate the remote . Before I know it it is 6:50pm and no sign of the husband and nothing has happened in the dinner dept. I call my wife on the celll phone outside for privacy and tell her the time and that we need to leave in the near future because her bed time is appproaching around the corner (I would have gladly streched it an extra half hour if necessary but things are not happening like that). So my wife tells my sis outside who calls her husband and asks where the hell is he? To make a long story short he comes huffing into the house at 7:15pm and proceeds to stomp around the house like a little boy and says "after today I am done." to my sister. I of course try to bite my tongue and not get into any arguments but my sister who loves confrontation proceeds to tell me that I made a "federal case out of this." Not wanting to get into an argument or shouting match that my sister loves to do...I pick up my daughter, her things, my things, and proceed to walk out of the house quietly to my car then I call my wife and ask her to come to the car and she does and I say"get in...we are leaving." She reluctently does and tries to do the right thing and calls them and says we are heading back to the hotel. She gets an earful from my sister on the other end who lauches into a tirade about how they bent over backwards for us and that we are being ungrateful....blah...blah...blah. I have had enough emotional abuse from her and her chaotic ways and decide to end the visits so we spend the final day doing other things without them(and enjoying it) and drive home the following morning. My daughter gave us some no so subtle hints she is ready to leave to and had enough. I refuse to get into a fight with a crazy person like her because it is fruitless and I want to set an example for my child. I need space and I am through talking with them and they think I am using the children as a bargaining chip for some reason. We will not do that. Did I handle this correctly? Any help or advice is appreciated...thanks

[Fezmid]

Well to be fair, we only have your side of the story here... And we all know that there's three sides to every story

 

I'm sure everyone else will say "You did the right thing," so I'll play devil's advocate just to balance things out.

 

First, regarding the remote and the washer/dryer -- is it possible that you expected a belittling responce, and so that's how you heard it? I know that happens with my wife all the time --- she asks a question, I explain it to her, and she says I was belittling her intelligence, even though that wasn't the case at all. Something to think about at least.

 

Regarding yelling at their child -- parents are allowed to raise their kids however they want; there's no right and wrong way (well, there are, but I don't believe that yelling is one of them, nor is how you're handling your child). I understand that it scared your child to hear the yelling, but she'll get over it.

 

I do think it's a little rude regarding dinner -- did he give an explanation as to why it took so long? Or did you leave before getting one?

 

To me it sounds like you were on the defensive before even going out there and you may have been looking for things to complain about. I really dislike my sister-in-liaw so I complain about things she says and does all the time -- and my wife frequently tells me that I misinterpreted some of the stuff. It's very possible.

 

Based on your side of the story, I think you handled everything fine, but as I said, there's three sides to every story

[ajzepp]

Dude, that sort of sh-- would make me crazy. I think you handled it just fine. Obviously it's hard to talk about people you don't know on a message board, but it seems like your sister is just out of touch. As I read what you wrote, I found myself relating much more to you than I did your depiction of your sister. I'm not all that much of a materialist to begin with, but even if I were, I wouldn't be so condescending to family like that. Most people I know put God and family first in their lives...I tend to stay away from people who put washing machines and remote controls in their top five,

[Fezmid]

I tend to stay away from people who put washing machines and remote controls in their top five,

And you call yourself an A/V guy

[Catholic Guilt]

Hello Neuman,

 

You made the right decision. The husband needs to be smacked upside the head. What took him so long to get groceries? No call home to explain? If I had company and ran into an issue, I would call and give a time frame. Kids eat at certain times like old folks and you don't want to disrupt that balance the closer to bedtime. I would be sarcastic right back to your sister. When she hands you the remote and talks to you like a 3 year old, fire back. "Hey sis - what channel is the Electric Company or Mister Rodgers?" Sarcasm is a great weapon against mean people and makes you feel better at the same time. Does she ever come to visit you in NY?

[Fan in San Diego]

Heh Newman, sounds like you did pretty good. I wouldn't visit them anymore if I was you. Who needs the aggravation?

[ajzepp]

And you call yourself an A/V guy

 

lol, you know my views on remotes

[justnzane]

Without reading that lengthy post of yours, my suggestion is to kill her . Smother her with a pillow and leave a suicide note. If you don't want to go that route, then send her to a retirement home or an insane asylum and say that she is suffering from severe dementia

[Huuuge Bills]

TP the front yard and haul ass back to NY.

[drnykterstein]

Give her a wedgie, just like old times.

 

Yeah don't you hate know it all's. Do you think other people that are friends with your sister or work with or whatever, have the same problems? Hey if family can't talk this stuff out, who can?

[gmac17]

my sister tells me to not touch anything on the remote in a tone like I was 3 yrs old and proceeds to turn it on for me and shows me how to change the channel and turn the volume up and down on a simple basic remote.

 

some people are like that. Paranoid about their stuff and annoying with strangers in their house. But who cares? Say "sis, I'm a grown man - don't need to talk to me like I'm 6 years old". In and of itself it's not a big deal.

 

I ask if it is ok to run some wash at her house since the hotel does not have one.

 

same as above.

 

"Just you wait until she reaches 3 then you will know how tough it is like what we are going through now."

 

I have not experienced it, but this seems like something that is very common for parents to say to other parents - especially ones who like to think they are wiser than others (your sis). But I don't think this comment is over the top or extremely rude.

 

 

 

Not wanting to get into an argument or shouting match that my sister loves to do...I pick up my daughter, her things, my things, and proceed to walk out of the house quietly to my car then I call my wife and ask her to come to the car and she does and I say"get in...we are leaving." She reluctently does and tries to do the right thing and calls them and says we are heading back to the hotel.

 

this is a tough one. This situation gets tough and annoying so you left. It may have made things easier for you - ie, no argument, no awkward dinner and put the kid to bed at the right time - but think about it from the other side. In their minds you requested dinner earlier than they expected, they went out to buy groceries and when things ran late you left them with a refrigerator full of food and ran back to the hotel.

 

refuse to get into a fight with a crazy person like her because it is fruitless and I want to set an example for my child.

 

sounds like you don't need a fight, but take her for a cup of coffee and explain your situation to her. Say "sis, i know we lead different lives but sometimes I feel like you talk down to me...we raise our kids different and that's fine - but let me do things my way and you can do things your way". Discussions like that aren't fun but they are necessary.

 

It is unfortunate that you don't have a great relationship. Your sister is a pain in the ass (She is a woman - and a lot of them are pains in the ass) but it also sounds like rather than address your problems with her you bite your tongue and avoid conflict. With this plan I don't see anything changing in your relationship. My older sisters can be a bit annoying, but we get along pretty well.

 

Well to be fair, we only have your side of the story here.

 

yeah, right now there is a guy on a pats message board bitching about his damn brother in law who always f's up the remote, who doesn't discipline his kids and who puts them to bed at 7:30.

 

 

 

 

Good luck with everything.

[sweetbaboo]

I have had enough emotional abuse from her and her chaotic ways and decide to end the visits so we spend the final day doing other things without them(and enjoying it) and drive home the following morning. My daughter gave us some no so subtle hints she is ready to leave to and had enough. I refuse to get into a fight with a crazy person like her because it is fruitless and I want to set an example for my child. I need space and I am through talking with them and they think I am using the children as a bargaining chip for some reason. We will not do that. Did I handle this correctly? Any help or advice is appreciated...thanks

Not worth the effort...just stop visiting her...especially if you know it's just going to make you miserable.

[taterhill]

shiv the mofo...

[MarkAF43]

(I feel like Dear Abby)

 

 

Dear JR in Ann Arbor,

 

I feel so sad, I got these big fake breasts and these pearly white teeth, but I am still unnoticed by the opposite sex. Could it be the fact I smell like I rolled around in horse manure, or could it be the Uni-brow i sport? My mother raised me to believe my uni brow was unique and attractive, and the smell would fade with age, (it hasn't since I just turned 57)

Patiently waiting for your reply...

 

Lonely and stinking in Boston

[thebug]

No disrespect to your sister but if that was my sister I would put the B word in her place.....and then carry on.

[KD in CA]

Not worth the effort...just stop visiting her...especially if you know it's just going to make you miserable.

 

Exactly. Life is too short. Sh--ty people aren't any less sh--y because you happen to be related to them.

[Tcali]

Love your sister....pray for her...stay the hell away from her. No one deserves that kind of abuse.

[Tcali]

Hey Newman,

 

I was just perusing some of your old threads and you strike me as a good guy--a real family man. I would suggest that you put up with your sister a couple of times of year and don't give up on that relationship both for your sake and your kid's. If I were you, I'd suffer through it the best I could, pick your spots to voice your opinion (in a non-confrontational way), and take the high road.

 

It also sounds like you need some home-field advantage, so I would invite the sister up to see you and go out of your way to show them what hospitality is all about. Maybe the dynamic will be better at home.

 

(I feel like Dear Abby)

Nonsense--stay away from your sister..

[rockpile]

You sound like a nice guy, and I mean no offense, but you asked.

 

You and your sister both need to lighten up a LOT. You rode into town with a chip on your shoulder, and took everything as an attack or insult. She acted exactly the way you expected.

 

Just be yourself, ignore her ignorant comments (biting the tongue is like shaking a Pepsi), but definitely do not let her scare your baby by angrily yelling near her. By the way, once in a while, especially when traveling, extending the bed time is not unusual.

 

As far as "you think it's bad now, wait until she is 3 (or 4, or 5. or 18)" used to piss me off too. Now, I tell younger parents that they grow as the kids grow, so it all evens out!

 

You need to talk to your sister, admit some of the difficulties were your fault, and see if you can work things out so you can be family. Or just "cut bait" and write her off. Life is too short.

 

Buy your wife some flowers, give her a hug, and apologize to HER. Sounds like she got the short end of the stick on this trip.

 

Good luck.

[IDBillzFan]

Hey, Newman...just curious...where are you parents in all of this?