billsdiva007 Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 OK everyone, what do you all think about this one? 1 of my best friends is a guy & we have been friends since high school back in the day. He's a great guy, but a few years ago he suggested that we become more than friends & I declined because I wasn't feeling dude like that plus he's like a brother 2 me. Needless to say, he didn't agree & we ended up having a big argument about it & not speaking for years. Fast forward to the present, we talked & got everything out in the open & now we are cool, but our friendship is different & kinda distant now. What should I do? I value our friendship, but I don't want him getting the wrong idea.
NEEDFREDJACKSONNOW Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 OK everyone, what do you all think about this one? 1 of my best friends is a guy & we have been friends since high school back in the day. He's a great guy, but a few years ago he suggested that we become more than friends & I declined because I wasn't feeling dude like that plus he's like a brother 2 me. Needless to say, he didn't agree & we ended up having a big argument about it & not speaking for years. Fast forward to the present, we talked & got everything out in the open & now we are cool, but our friendship is different & kinda distant now. What should I do? I value our friendship, but I don't want him getting the wrong idea. Â Don't kid yourself, you can't have it both ways. Ever watch "When Harry met Sally"? Billy Crystal's character outlines this issue at one point in the movie: The sexual attraction will always get in the way of a friendship. Especially in your case. Your friend was pretty overt about his interest in you! I do believe that men and women can have relationships WITH an attraction towards each other and NOT act on it, given their maturity level, and having partners of their own that they love (among other things). But these relationships are almost always casual or professional (as in coworker). The intimacy that I think you are looking for usually leads to the "more" your friend wanted, or distance.
billsdiva007 Posted March 22, 2008 Author Posted March 22, 2008 Don't kid yourself, you can't have it both ways. Ever watch "When Harry met Sally"? Billy Crystal's character outlines this issue at one point in the movie: The sexual attraction will always get in the way of a friendship. Especially in your case. Your friend was pretty overt about his interest in you! I do believe that men and women can have relationships WITH an attraction towards each other and NOT act on it, given their maturity level, and having partners of their own that they love (among other things). But these relationships are almost always casual or professional (as in coworker). The intimacy that I think you are looking for usually leads to the "more" your friend wanted, or distance. Â Â Thanx 4 the feedback, but there's no attraction on my part.
KD in CA Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 Thanx 4 the feedback, but there's no attraction on my part. Â That's cool, but just understand that he doesn't care if you are attracted to him -- he still wants to sleep with you. He only wants to be close friends if that part is included.
col_forbin Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 That's cool, but just understand that he doesn't care if you are attracted to him -- he still wants to sleep with you. He only wants to be close friends if that part is included. Â agreed
VABills Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 That's cool, but just understand that he doesn't care if you are attracted to him -- he still wants to sleep with you. He only wants to be close friends if that part is included. unless he's gay
Simon Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 So are you hot or what? If so, it's going to take a strong righteous man to be just your friend. It doesn't sound like your buddy is up to the task.
KD in CA Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 So are you hot or what?If so, it's going to take a strong righteous man to be just your friend. It doesn't sound like your buddy is up to the task. Â Agreed. A picture would help us analyze this situation more clearly.
Dibs Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 OK everyone, what do you all think about this one? 1 of my best friends is a guy & we have been friends since high school back in the day. He's a great guy, but a few years ago he suggested that we become more than friends & I declined because I wasn't feeling dude like that plus he's like a brother 2 me. Needless to say, he didn't agree & we ended up having a big argument about it & not speaking for years. Fast forward to the present, we talked & got everything out in the open & now we are cool, but our friendship is different & kinda distant now. What should I do? I value our friendship, but I don't want him getting the wrong idea. From my experience there are very few males who are truly interested/capable of being 'just good friends' with a female......even if they intellectually want it to be. Most often is the case where even when professing to be happy with 'just friends' they are wanting more.....often without even acknowledging it to themselves. Many of my female friends(including my wife) have made the same mistake in assuming that the male friends around them have the same level of friendship towards them as they do towards the male friends. Invariably at some point they discover that it usually is not the case. Â In regards to your friend, he has already shown that he is not one of the rare males that can simply enjoy the friendship of the opposite sex without sex being a factor(at least with you). It is sad but my advice would be to face the concept that his friendship towards you was probably never the same as yours towards him.....and move on. At some point down the line, even if you are both partnered up it is most likely that his old 'feelings' towards you resurface and hurt you even more. Â The ironic part of the situation as I see it is that if you ever find a guy who has the ability to put his friendship towards you before any biological urges, i.e. truly regards you as a friend.....this is probably the sort of guy whom you would want more than friendship with yourself. Â Good luck with it all.
The Dean Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 I have MANY hot female friends. Some, given the opportunity, I might get involved with, others I wouldn't. In fact, I have turned down sex with several (a couple I wish I hadn't .) Â I think Dibs has it right when he says that most (not ALL) straight men don't seem to be capable of this. In my experience most men are dogs...but not all of them. Â As to your question, my suggestion is this: Be open and honest...but REALLY honest. And, if it gets uncomfortable, be BRUTALLY honest, if necessary. In my experience, most men are not very good at subtlety. Also, most women are not really straight forward. The interaction of women "trying to be nice" and men thinking that "nice" means "she digs me" is a brutal concoction. Â As usual, I have to go with Dibs on this. Be careful. Chances are, if this guy couldn't handle the situation previously, he won't be able to handle it now. If you decide he deserves a second chance, fine. Just make sure you are careful, this time. Watch your signals. Make sure you are CLEAR that you like him ONLY as a friend. That means you can't be affectionate/flirty/etc toward him, as it will likely be misinterpreted.
/dev/null Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 Women can be just friends with men. But the men will still want to bone the women
justnzane Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 I have MANY hot female friends. Some, given the opportunity, I might get involved with, others I wouldn't. In fact, I have turned down sex with several (a couple I wish I hadn't .)Â I think Dibs has it right when he says that most (not ALL) straight men don't seem to be capable of this. In my experience most men are dogs...but not all of them. Â As to your question, my suggestion is this: Be open and honest...but REALLY honest. And, if it gets uncomfortable, be BRUTALLY honest, if necessary. In my experience, most men are not very good at subtlety. Also, most women are not really straight forward. The interaction of women "trying to be nice" and men thinking that "nice" means "she digs me" is a brutal concoction. Â As usual, I have to go with Dibs on this. Be careful. Chances are, if this guy couldn't handle the situation previously, he won't be able to handle it now. If you decide he deserves a second chance, fine. Just make sure you are careful, this time. Watch your signals. Make sure you are CLEAR that you like him ONLY as a friend. That means you can't be affectionate/flirty/etc toward him, as it will likely be misinterpreted. Â I agree with most of this post. and I can say that I was in the same type of situation that Diva is in. The problem I guess was that I interpreted the girl's actions the wrong way an awful lot, but at the same time she used that to her advantage. It can't be a two way street or there will be issues. Over the past 5 years that I have known the girl, we have had ups and downs in our friendship, but I think a big part of the picture is if the guy can get over the sexual/ emotional attraction. That was the hardest and most painful part for me, but I have grown up. Â As far as things being different: they will get better (most likely), but will also have a different dynamic than before. The more you try to force things to go back, the more resistance both of you will have. The more you embrace the change and maturity, the more comfortable things will be between you and him.
eball Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 Go re-watch "When Harry Met Sally." Question answered.
cåblelady Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 .....then there's the ol' "friends with benefits" thing.
The Dean Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 .....then there's the ol' "friends with benefits" thing. Â Â Indeed!
mead107 Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 Back to cleaning the house . I want to make the wife happy .
millbank Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 I think it would be right if you moved on. Its possible he could have been your friend, but you had him slotted as Brother. It would be interesting to know better just what you gave to relationship.
Stussy109 Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 I have debated this topic with numerous people over the course of many years. For example I have a female cousin who is very attractive and has many guy friends, who she truly believes are her friends. I tried to explain to her my theory is that from the mens point of view, they would not be your friend unless there was some basic level of physical attraction involved. I truly belive that in general, men and women have virtually nothing in common when it comes to being friends. I feel that deep down, women know that these friends deep down want them, and in a way, having these male friends provides a self-esteem boost, and often play dumb as to the notion that these guys are my friends because i'm attractive. Take it as you want, but from my experience and from knowing my male friends and brothers very well this theory holds true. I have had numerous female friends over the years, some of them I would have dated, others I wouldn't have dated, however, I was physically attracted to all of them. In addition to your specific question of "should we stay friends" in all reality, once one you two gets a boyfriend/girlfriend, you guys wont be able to maintain your friendship anyways due to jealousy issues.
The Dean Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 The responses from the men on this thread remind me of why I usually hang around with women.
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