RuntheDamnBall Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 I don't know if anyone's experienced something like this, and certainly I'm not expecting it, but I would love to hear from people on the board who have had experience dealing with a friend who's an alcoholic. I had this neighbor/friend "Sarah" come and look after my cats this past week and have not had many problems with her at all. We're not very close friends, and have been less so since Sarah and her partner broke up last year, but we're cordial and get together for dinner on occasion. I know that part of why they broke up was Sarah's bouts with alcoholism and substance abuse, but I was fairly certain by now that she was over it. I went to pour myself a glass of fairly expensive bourbon this evening and noticed the bottle was near empty, where I was pretty much certain the last time I had it it was half-full. I thought that was strange and went and looked at another bottle of expensive, sort of dessert liqueur and it, too, was pretty close to empty and there was no way we'd polished that much of it off. I'm about 95% certain that Sarah must have drank our stuff, not entirely trusting memory and knowing that I want to believe she didn't. It was expensive and that really sucks, but that's also the most replaceable part of the equation. More importantly, I'm pretty worried and certain I can't trust her anymore. I have no idea how to confront her. My drinking's not much of a problem -- I don't binge much if at all, and keep things in line and enjoy a nip now and then -- so I keep things around and on one hand I feel like I enabled her. At the same time, I feel my trust and my home have been violated, and so does my wife (especially). Perhaps we should have seen this coming and should never have trusted her in the first place, but convenience in taking care of the cats, and our willingness to forgive and hope Sarah had changed made us too blind to the possibility. Do I talk to Sarah? Do I talk to her roommate (whom she met in AA)? I get the keys back from Sarah tonight and I'm just going to thank her and leave it at that for now, not confronting her because I just haven't thought it out well enough. I don't think we'll be asking her for help again, because either way I know that my problem is we can't trust her, whether that's grounded in current truth or just in her history -- which is my problem, but a sad one. I am thinking the best thing to do is approach her roommate and ask her if Sarah was drinking at all last week and/or just alert her to the situation so that she can best help out on the long and endless process of recovery. At the same time, how do I let Sarah know I can't trust her and that I have to at least cut this part of our ties? Anyone who can share experience with this will be greatly appreciated and respected. PMs are oK. Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ofiba Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 Is the issue that she is an alcoholic or that she is a thief? If you just care that she is a thief, stop leaving her alone in your house. If you care that she's an alcoholic, maybe give her friend the heads up so maybe she can talk to her? Telling her she needs help isn't going to come off as anything other than an attack if it's coming from the person whose booze she drank. Let one who can relate with her situation try to help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RuntheDamnBall Posted March 21, 2008 Author Share Posted March 21, 2008 Is the issue that she is an alcoholic or that she is a thief? If you just care that she is a thief, stop leaving her alone in your house. Well, that's pretty much a given; we won't be doing that. But I don't think think she's a 'thief' per se, because I don't think she would steal anything (and there would be plenty of opportunities to steal real valuables). I do think that easily accessible alcohol is a temptation though. If you care that she's an alcoholic, maybe give her friend the heads up so maybe she can talk to her? Telling her she needs help isn't going to come off as anything other than an attack if it's coming from the person whose booze she drank. Let one who can relate with her situation try to help. That's more of the kind of confirmation I think i need. I definitely feel like it'd come across as an attack from me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boomerjamhead Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 You seem like a nice guy and my only advice is to eliminate the people in your life that either give you continuous grief or take advantage of your generosity. Keep your distance with her and call it good. The fact that you started this thread shows that you have good intentions, but need a reality check as to who you should and should not associate with. Confrontations always suck, so just suck it up and move on. I'd change my locks too... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BuffOrange Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 Agree w/ ofiba. Even if you're Dale Carnegie I can't imagine that conversation going well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RuntheDamnBall Posted March 21, 2008 Author Share Posted March 21, 2008 I'd change my locks too... I had that thought, but she would need a special card to get copies of them (we live in NYC and have mul-t-lock keys that you can't get copies of without it) so I think that's OK. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chilly Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 I had that thought, but she would need a special card to get copies of them (we live in NYC and have mul-t-lock keys that you can't get copies of without it) so I think that's OK. Did you keep the card in your house while she was in it? Sorry to hear about your acquaintance, but good to see you made it home safely! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RuntheDamnBall Posted March 21, 2008 Author Share Posted March 21, 2008 Did you keep the card in your house while she was in it? Sorry to hear about your acquaintance, but good to see you made it home safely! It's in a safe-deposit box, all clear. Only I have the key and know where any of that is. BTW Thanks, man! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RayFinkle Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 I'm sorry to hear about your friend, but I need more details before forming an accurate opinion. Is she hot? Hot lesbians who drink...sometimes I'm okay with that, call me shallow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RuntheDamnBall Posted March 21, 2008 Author Share Posted March 21, 2008 I'm sorry to hear about your friend, but I need more details before forming an accurate opinion. Is she hot? Hot lesbians who drink...sometimes I'm okay with that, call me shallow. You really telegraphed that one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In space no one can hear Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 I'm usually not one to sweep stuff under the rug, but in this situation I might just do that. I would see it as the responsibility of a close friend to be able to be direct with both positive and negative feedback. In other words, I feel my good friends should be able to call me out when I pull sh*t, and they understand I'll be more than happy to do the same with them. Since she is not a close friend, I don't see any win/win situation in addressing her alcoholism and dishonesty. I especially don't think it would be helpful to address issues behind her back to her roommate. Next time you need help with the cats, line up someone else to help. If she ends up asking why(she probably has an idea why already)I'd just brush it off as. "oh we didnt want to bother you" etc. I'd continue to be cordial to her as she obviously has a problem. It's hard enough for close family and friends to address alcoholism issues with ones they love, to help a casual neighbor friend seems like an even more daunting task. Chalk it up as a learning experience ,and be happy larger items/ more precious items to you weren't ruined or stolen. Just my take. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tcali Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 Is the issue that she is an alcoholic or that she is a thief? If you just care that she is a thief, stop leaving her alone in your house. If you care that she's an alcoholic, maybe give her friend the heads up so maybe she can talk to her? Telling her she needs help isn't going to come off as anything other than an attack if it's coming from the person whose booze she drank. Let one who can relate with her situation try to help. Hey runthe....u seem like a good and caring person.And I suspect you are fairly young.Take it from an old guy who just hit the half century mark......ELIMINATE those people in your life who hold you down. They are normally playing an elaborate game that they try to suck you into. She needs professional help--and until she does you need to stay the hell away. You are doing her no favors by playing her elaborate f'd up game.--This will not only free you but it may eventually free them because they wont have an enabler to play games with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corp000085 Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 I concur with the other posters who advise to distance yourself from her. You need to worry about you first and her second. If you're seeking a closer relationship with her as a friend, let her work out her own problems before you open yourself up. Chalk up the bourbon as a loss. Don't blame yourself either. She was the one who drank it. Go to the liquor store, get more stuff, and don't let her into your house unattended till she works out her demons. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dibs Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 Well, that's pretty much a given; we won't be doing that. But I don't think think she's a 'thief' per se, because I don't think she would steal anything (and there would be plenty of opportunities to steal real valuables). I do think that easily accessible alcohol is a temptation though. That's more of the kind of confirmation I think i need. I definitely feel like it'd come across as an attack from me. You mentioned that she has had substance abuse problems as well..... I had a very dear friend who had major alcohol & drug problems. I trusted him implicitly since my home & association was his only avenue of normalcy. To put it bluntly he was happy to use my generosity & I was happy(enough) for many years to strive to help him kick his habits & get some form of life together for him. I was very secure in the concept that he wouldn't bite the hand that feeds. I left him once to look after the house & cats when I went on a holiday with my wife . All was mainly fine.....however I did discover a little later that a few things were missing......things that I might not normally look at & miss. I know exactly what would have gone through his mind(I had a lot of experience understanding the illness). He would have rationalized that he would 'borrow' the items & buy them back the next week when he got some money. This of course he never did. My point is that 'theft' almost always becomes a part of an addicts life. Even if it goes against their nature or places them in a more detrimental position, the urge to feed their addiction usually will win out at some point. Confrontation? I'd ask you......How much do you care about her?.....and.....Is it worth the effort? What would you want to achieve from the confrontation? If you actually care enough about her then confronting her has to lead to time/effort/money on your part to truly try to help her. If you do not care about her enough to upset the balance of your own life for her......I would say it is simply not worth the effort of the confrontation. She will likely deny it......or if pressed(or doesn't deny it) will beg forgiveness etc leaving you feeling guilty that you could do something to help her yet are unwilling to. At worst she could become aggressive in her denial. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Acantha Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 As someone who knows how hard it can be to find someone who will come by and take care of the pets, I say keep a good bottle around for her next time too! Okay, so I'm only half serious. I've dealt with alcoholics many times throughout my life, so I'm really not taking this lightly, but my first question is are you sure she just isn't inconsiderate? No doubt she probably drinks too much, but maybe drinking your stash had more to do with her not knowing how much it was/not knowing better than it did her having an insatiable desire to drink that she couldn't control? Outside of that, I agree with the general consensus. If this girl is an all out alcoholic, she's had close family and friends giving her the speeches about it throughout her whole life. A quasi friend confronting her (either face to face or through a friend) isn't going to do much. Consider yourself lucky that all you lost was a bit of booze while you learned that lesson about her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eball Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 Two words for you -- Spy Cam! It's what everybody's doing these days. Catch the maid stealing your schitt, the nanny abusing your kids, the mailman schtumping your wife...you name it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plenzmd1 Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 Unfortunetly, have lots of experience with alcoholics on both mine and my wifes side. That old saying about she ain't gunna stop and change to they hit rock bottom is spot on. What that bottom is is differant for everybody. I would flat out tell her "you drank my booze, which i am not pissed at per se,but your a drunk and you you lied about it" . I want to help you get better, but i cannot trust you. No more in my house alone etc. Pretty easy converstation actually. Drunks know they are drunks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
inkman Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 I'm about 95% certain that Sarah must have drank our stuff... I think this is the real quandry. Leaving 5% to uncertainty may be a bit much to start pointing fingers. If you could find out more info through her roommate, have at it. If you somehow polished off that booze yourself, which can happen during a long night of drinking, confronting her about it would be awkward to say the least. Find out for sure, then let fate take your realtionship to wherever it may lead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johnny Coli Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 I get the keys back from Sarah tonight and I'm just going to thank her and leave it at that for now, not confronting her because I just haven't thought it out well enough. I don't think we'll be asking her for help again, because either way I know that my problem is we can't trust her, whether that's grounded in current truth or just in her history -- which is my problem, but a sad one. I am thinking the best thing to do is approach her roommate and ask her if Sarah was drinking at all last week and/or just alert her to the situation so that she can best help out on the long and endless process of recovery. At the same time, how do I let Sarah know I can't trust her and that I have to at least cut this part of our ties? Sarah's an alcoholic, she's off-the-wagon, and it would appear she's no longer with the program. There's a better-than-good chance she knows what she did and has the classic alcoholic regret and shame. I don't see the point in confronting her, really. Get the keys back, mention it to her roommate, and next time you need someone to watch your pets find someone else. She'll know why you didn't ask her. As someone who's lived with people like Sarah, you can only try and do so much, and the confrontation thing never works. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plenzmd1 Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 Sarah's an alcoholic, she's off-the-wagon, and it would appear she's no longer with the program. There's a better-than-good chance she knows what she did and has the classic alcoholic regret and shame. I don't see the point in confronting her, really. Get the keys back, mention it to her roommate, and next time you need someone to watch your pets find someone else. She'll know why you didn't ask her. As someone who's lived with people like Sarah, you can only try and do so much, and the confrontation thing never works. I see your point, but I think if you want to help her, the only way to do that is to tell her why she is no longer welcomed in your house when alone. Again, if your concern is strickly about not wanting her to pet sit anymore, then don't say a word. If you chose to help her for the long run, do so in a calm voice , not questioning your freindship,not questioning her, but just saying i cannot trust you alone anymore. She might start screaming, protesting her innocense etc. You must remain calm and tell her in calm voice we are still friends, just cannot trust you till you earn it. If you watch The Wire at all, very similiar to what Bubs sister did with him. Kept him in the basement for over a year till she was certain he was clean and sober. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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