aussiew Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 I'm trying to eat lunch and got tired of the poop chute thread. Here are some laughs: Box Donation A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Lemon Squeeze There once was a mature religious married woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The blushing woman said, "Yesterday after my husband left for work, my young and incredibly endowed new boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze the juice from seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice." The woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Catholic Dog Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog just died, could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no telling' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature." Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Donation Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello", says a voice, "is this Father O'Malley?" "It is!" "This is the IRS. Can you help us?" "I can!" "Do you know a Ted Houlihan?" I do!" "Is he a member of your congregation?" "He is!" "Did he donate $10,000 to the church?" "He will." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Confession An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking along the road into town. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times." Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?" Man: "What sins?" Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?" Man: "I'm Jewish." Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?" Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Brothel Trip An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. "I'm 90 years old," he says. "90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?" "Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Senility An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up." "That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theesir Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 Excellent!!! Thanks for the laughs! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BUFFALOTONE Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 I'm trying to eat lunch and got tired of the poop chute thread. Here are some laughs:Box Donation A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Lemon Squeeze There once was a mature religious married woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The blushing woman said, "Yesterday after my husband left for work, my young and incredibly endowed new boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze the juice from seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice." The woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Catholic Dog Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog just died, could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no telling' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature." Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Donation Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello", says a voice, "is this Father O'Malley?" "It is!" "This is the IRS. Can you help us?" "I can!" "Do you know a Ted Houlihan?" I do!" "Is he a member of your congregation?" "He is!" "Did he donate $10,000 to the church?" "He will." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Confession An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking along the road into town. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times." Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?" Man: "What sins?" Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?" Man: "I'm Jewish." Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?" Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Brothel Trip An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. "I'm 90 years old," he says. "90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?" "Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Senility An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up." "That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Excellent! Hey San Diego take some lessons. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fan in San Diego Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 Excellent! Hey San Diego take some lessons. Tough crowd ! I don't get any respect ! heh ! Maybe I'll do some Rodney Dangerfield jokes ! You like Irish priest jokes ? I'll do some for Thursday or Friday ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chef Jim Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 Excellent! Hey San Diego take some lessons. Hey BUFFALOTONE, take some lessons. You don't need to quote the whole post to reply. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BUFFALOTONE Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 Tough crowd ! I don't get any respect !heh ! Maybe I'll do some Rodney Dangerfield jokes ! You like Irish priest jokes ? I'll do some for Thursday or Friday ! Just bustin balls S.D. I appreciate the jokes man. As for the Chef shut up and make me a sandwich! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
linksfiend Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 Just bustin balls S.D. I appreciate the jokes man. As for the Chef shut up and make me a sandwich! Or get back in the kitchen and make me some bacon and eggs, would you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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