smokinandjokin Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 -One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late. -Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games. -If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them. -I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex. -The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw. -Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. -If you're a young Mafia gangster out on a first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. -We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town. -I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh. -Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like. -If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did." -Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done. -If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. -Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. -To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. -I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. -Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. -I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
EZC-Boston Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 My favorite and really demonstrates my overall attitude towards life is this Deep Thought: To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around, that way if anyone says "Hey, can you give me a hand" you can say "Sorry, I've got these sacks"
/dev/null Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 -If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
MartyBall4Buffalo Posted February 10, 2007 Posted February 10, 2007 good stuff figured Id contribute some of my favorites that you didn't use: I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm using blanks. If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is probably a joke that gets old real fast. Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up. When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another group." "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny. I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call it a "speech improvement", and I go up to the guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your speech improvement." I think this makes him feel better.
LongLiveRalph Posted February 10, 2007 Posted February 10, 2007 -We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
Beerball Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 -Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like. Sure glad he didn't use the name Harriet instead. She woulda pulled his arms off and beat him over the head with them.
Recommended Posts