The Poojer Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 SPRING BREAK IN MEXICO Three Buffalo college students go down to Mexico for spring break, spend the entire time drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did all week. The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Canisius College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her. The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the UB School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, noth! ing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her. The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from Buff State and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in." ______________________________________________________________________________ THE CHEEKTOWAGA EYE EXAM This kid from Cheetowaga turns 16 and goes to the NY State Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a permit. He is told he has to take an eye test. The examiner shows him a card with the letters: C Z J W I X N O S T A C Z "Can you read this?" the examiner asks. "Read it?" the young man replies, "He's my uncle." ________________________________________________________________________________ NEWLYWEDS Three newly-married men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Nashville and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the! dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on th e third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done. The second man had married a woman from Miami. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man married a girl from Buffalo. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye; enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and telephone a landscaper. ___________________________________________________________________________________________ THE COUNTY JOB A guy goes to the Rath Building to apply for a job. ! The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?" "Yes," he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years." The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment," and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes ,100%, a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off." The interviewer tells the guy, "OK, I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M." The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M?" "This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that." ______________________________________________________________________________________________ AND THEN GOD CREATED... Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inqu! ired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satis faction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've created." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it and I call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth but cold and harsh while southern Europe is going to be poor but sunny and pleasant. I have made some lands abundant in water and other lands parched deserts. This one will be extremely hot while this one will be very cold and covered with ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and said, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's Erie County, the most glorious place on earth. There will be beautiful hills, grasslands, farms, streams, abundant w! ild game and birds, rolling hills and woodlands. The people from Erie County are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will build a beautiful city with great architecture. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!!!" God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I put in their county legislature!" ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ICE FISHING A blonde who had lived in Buffalo all her life wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE N! O FISH UNDER THE ICE." Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of Spot coffee, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heaven the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?" The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF HSBC ARENA." _________________________________________________________________________________________________ THE LAWYER A wealthy tax lawyer was riding home to Clarence in his limousine when he saw two men along the 33 eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to pull over and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We do not have money for food," the poor man replied. "Well, then, you must come with me to my house," the lawyer said. "Sir, I have a wife and two children with me." "Bring the! m along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man, he urged, "You come with us also." The second man then, in a pitiful voice said, "Sir, I also have a wife and we have six children!" "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered. They all piled the car, which was no easy task, even for a vehicle as large as the limousine. Once underway, one poor fellow turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You will love my place. The grass is almost a foot high." _______________________________________________________________________________________ THE REPORTER Two boys from Buffalo, NY are playing street hockey when one of the boys is attacked by a rabid pit bull. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his hockey stick, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A Buffalo News reporter hears about the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Sabres Fan S! aves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his noteboo k. "But I'm not a Buffalo Sabres fan," the young hero replies. "Sorry," replied the reporter, "since we're in Buffalo, I just assumed you were." "Bills Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," the reporter continues in his notebook. "But I'm not a Buffalo Bills fan, either," the boy responds. "I just thought everyone in Buffalo was either a Sabres or a Bill's fan," replied the reporter, "Whom do you root for?" "I'm a Toronto Maple Leaf fan," the boy answers proudly. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Canadian Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet." ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________ THE ERIE COUNTY CORONER Three dead bodies turn up at the Erie County morgue, all with very big smiles on their faces. The medical examiner calls the police to tell them what has happened. "First body. M &T bank executive, 60, died of heart failure in the Hyatt while in bed with his mistress, hence the enormou! s smile," says the Coroner. "Second body. South Buffalo cab driver, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey; died of alcohol poisoning; hence the smile, sir." The detective asked, "What about the third body?" "Ah," says the Coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Common Council member, age 45, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling, then?" asks the Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken." ____________________________________________________________________________________________ LOST IN A BLIZZARD A UB student from downstate got lost in her car in a Buffalo blizzard. She remembered what her dad had once told her: "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snowplow and follow it." Pretty soon a snowplow came by and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes. Finally the driver of the snowplow got out and asked what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her that if she ever got stuck in the s! now, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm t hrough with the Wegman's lot, now you can follow me over to Tops." ______________________________________________________________________________________________________ SURVIVOR, BUFFALO-STYLE Due to the popularity of the Survivor show, Buffalo is planning to do its own version, titled Survivor, Buffalo Style. The contestants will start at the airport and must plot a route through every council mans district in Buffalo, including North Buffalo, South Buffalo, the East Side, the West Side, Black Rock/Riverside, the Delaware district, and downtown. Each will drive a pink, foreign-made 2-door coupe with Miami plates and will have the following bumper stickers affixed to their vehicles: "Amherst: We got UB. Get over it." "The Anchor Bar Sucks" "O.J. Was Guilty" "What is the Virgin Mary doing under that bathtub?" "Twin Span Now" "I [heart] the Control Board" "Masiello in 2005" "Fifty percent of downtown for parking is not enough" "Go Bills, and take the Sabres with you" The first one t! o make it back to the airport alive wins. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ADELPHIA CRACKS DOWN Adelphia, minus the recently-indicted Rigases, hires a new CEO. This new boss, haunted by the company's tarnished image, is determined to rid Adelphia of its slackers. On a tour of the Buffalo call center, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I dunno, about $200.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!" Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from LaNova's. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stuckincincy Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Taro T Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 Classic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oneonta Buffalo Fan Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 o....k..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beerball Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 Very nicely done! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mead107 Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 good way to start the day Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beerball Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 Here's a new one that's been making the rounds recently. Always good for a laugh. At a meeting Tom Golisano dropped a bombshell about the nefarious Ralph Wilson. Golisano claims that Wilson's intentions all along have been to move the Bills to Toronto. Stay with me on this......there are businessmen in Toronto that are ready to plunk down mega-millions for the Bills and move them there. Wilson already let the NFL know of this (Apparently they can't stop him either). Golisano & the people from Rich Products offered Wilson a similar financial package but Wilson demurred....when they offered him more, he demurred again...& said he wouldn't sell the team to them no matter how much they offered; it's not about money. Wilson wants it to be his legacy that he be the first person to bring international play to the NFL. Still with me..? There's more.... Not to be dismayed, TG went to the NFL & has an agreement that when the Bills move, they cannot take their name with them, ala Baltimore Colts/Ravens. After the move to TO, Buffalo will be granted an expansion franchise with the promise that they build a new stadium & sell it out for 5 consecutive years. (the NFL wants a franchise in Buffalo because it's one of the original teams & has history in the league) TG agreed to do this & will build a DOMED stadium on the waterfront in Buffalo with a capacity of 60,000. In addition, Buffalo will be granted a Super Bowl in the future. The caveat to this is that Buffalo will be without a football team for 3-4 years. The wheels are already in motion & no one can stop it. TG says that RW is playing the game right now..ie: crying the blues about money, saying enjoy the team while it's here, not signing/keeping star players, etc. Next year or possibly the year after the BIlls will be gone. Willis McGahee may have let the cat out of the bag with his recent TO talk in Penthouse. Star players don't want to come to B-lo because they know RW is a tight ass. TG also said that if he ran the team he will not be such a cheapskate & would turn things around in a hurry like he did with the Sabres. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mead107 Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 Here's a new one that's been making the rounds recently. Always good for a laugh. I am staying on this with you . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buffan00 Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 Love the "county job" one!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beerme1 Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 Thanks Poojer. Some good reading there! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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