nick in* england Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 This bloke decides to throw a party and invites lots of people, telling them to bring their friends too. On the invitation he puts: "Fancy dress party - come as a human emotion." On the night of the party the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a bloke covered in green paint with the words N and V painted on his chest. "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" the hosts asks. "I'm green with envy," the guy answers. "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink," replies the host. A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink bodystocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts. "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" he asks. "I'm tickled pink." "I love it, come on in and join the party." A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time and the host opens the door to see two black Jamaican guys, stark-bollock naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and other with his penis stuck in a pear covered in 'sex wee'. The host is really shocked and says, "!@#$ me, you could get arrested out on the street like that. What the hell are you supposed to be?" The first guy replies (in a strong West Indian accent), "Well, I'm !@#$ing disgusted and my friend here has come in despair." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WWVaBeach Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nick in* england Posted October 31, 2006 Author Share Posted October 31, 2006 820891[/snapback] read in a jamaican accent: I am focking dis-costid, and my friend has com in dis-pear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VABills Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 Okay, what's a bloke, a bollock and "sex-wee" ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nick in* england Posted October 31, 2006 Author Share Posted October 31, 2006 Okay, what's a bloke, a bollock and "sex-wee" ? 820896[/snapback] You are a bloke. A Bloke has two bollocks. "Sex wee" is a euphemism for the liquid that bollocks produce. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
duey Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 This bloke decides to throw a party and invites lots of people, telling them to bring their friends too. On the invitation he puts: "Fancy dress party - come as a human emotion." On the night of the party the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a bloke covered in green paint with the words N and V painted on his chest. "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" the hosts asks. "I'm green with envy," the guy answers. "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink," replies the host. A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink bodystocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts. "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" he asks. "I'm tickled pink." "I love it, come on in and join the party." A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time and the host opens the door to see two black Jamaican guys, stark-bollock naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and other with his penis stuck in a pear covered in 'sex wee'. The host is really shocked and says, "!@#$ me, you could get arrested out on the street like that. What the hell are you supposed to be?" The first guy replies (in a strong West Indian accent), "Well, I'm !@#$ing disgusted and my friend here has come in despair." 820860[/snapback] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
duey Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 You are a bloke. A Bloke has two bollocks. "Sex wee" is a euphemism for the liquid that bollocks produce. 820902[/snapback] Kind kills the fun when you have to explain the whole thing... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beerball Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 Okay, what's a bloke, a bollock and "sex-wee" ? 820896[/snapback] Powers of comprehension taking a day off? Not bad Nick! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Poojer Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 that explanation makes it funnier, thanks, i got the "despair", but did not get the "disgusted", now I get it...and I never really knew what Bollocks were! thanks read in a jamaican accent: I am focking dis-costid, and my friend has com in dis-pear. 820894[/snapback] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fezmid Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 that explanation makes it funnier, thanks, i got the "despair", but did not get the "disgusted", now I get it...and I never really knew what Bollocks were! thanks 820928[/snapback] I didn't really know what it meant either, although I had a general idea. bollocks n. How do I put this delicately... bollocks are testicles. The word is in pretty common use in the UK (not in my house, of course!) and works well as a general "surprise" expletive in a similar way to bugger. The phrase "the dog's bollocks" is used to describe something particularly good (yes, good) - something like "see that car - it's the dog's bollocks, so it is". This in turn gives way to homonym phrases like "the pooch's privates" or "the mutt's nuts" which all generally mean the same thing. Oh, and this beer from Wychwood Brewery. The word has also slipped through the the State of Florida's censors in the wonderful form of this registration plate. We also describe a big telling-off as a bollocking, and additionally use the word to mean "rubbish" (as in "well, that's a load of bollocks"). Some additional US/UK confusion is added by the fact that the words "bollix" and "bollixed" are sometimes used in the US to describe something thrown into confusion or destroyed. CW Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VABills Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 Powers of comprehension taking a day off? Not bad Nick! 820911[/snapback] I got it, I was poking fun at his version of English. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwight Drane Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 Funny.....I'll pass it on to some Miami friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nick in* england Posted October 31, 2006 Author Share Posted October 31, 2006 I got it, I was poking fun at his version of English. 820937[/snapback] Bollocks........... I walked straight into the trap. Anyway - the edumacation continues: Bollocks 14th Century (as 'ballocks') English term which has grown numerous useful applications within today's language: 1. Term of exasperation, often at having made a mistake. 2. As a plural noun, the bollocks are the testicles. 3. Exaggerated truth or blatant lies. 4. Unfathomable rubbish; corporate management speak, e.g. 'blue-sky thinking', 'touch base', and 'thinking outside the box'. 5. Poor or bad effort, esp. with media references. (The more bollocks, the worse the event.) 6. When the bollocks belong to a canine, the inverse meaning of (5.) comes into play, though nobody knows quite why. This meaning appears to date back from 1989. 7. To 'drop a bollock' is to commit a social faux-pas leading to grave embarrassment. 8. A 'bollocking' is a telling off, often by one's boss for an inadequate or incomplete piece of work, or inappropriate behaviour. 9. To lack bollocks is to be gutless, spineless and generally lack courage. This is not used inversely for the word 'balls' covers this application. 10. As a verb, to 'bollocks' or to be 'bollocksed' it to flummox or be flummoxed; confuse or be confused. 11. If a piece of machinery is bollocksed, it is broken or rendered unusable either temporarily or permanently. 12. To be 'bollock-naked' it to be completely without clothing, save for a few relatively unimportant items such as socks, watch, rings, necklaces, bracelets, earrings or other body jewellery. 13. To be 'bollocksed' also means to have imbibed an amount of alcohol which has eliminated a dangerously high number of brain cells causing a lack of social and spatial awareness, incoherent speech and the inability to believe that you're not as drunk as you are, you're not as unattractive in that state as you are, and that you don't rule the world. 1. {Having sent a saucy text message to your mum instead of your partner} "Bollocks!" 2. "I couldn't be arsed to go home, so I just stood there, scratching me bollocks." 3. "Don't listen to him, he just talks bollocks." 4. "Sorry, it's my boss, he's got us speaking this bollocks." 5. "I think any film with a cast of unknowns and a budget that won't cover your weekly shopping is bound to be bollocks." Also: "I know our friend was the lead character and everything, but that play was the biggest load of fat, squidgy bollocks I've ever had to sit through. Don't tell her I said that, though." 6. "That play was the dog's bollocks, Sarah." 7. "Boy, did I drop a bollock this morning: Your mum had a Rice Crispy stuck to her face, so I tried to wipe it off; you never told me she had a wart." 8. "We had all the work done by two, so we all pissed off down the pub, but come Monday morning, we all got such a bollocking. Marketing had called eight times and that twat over there had forgotten to turn the answering machine on. Wanker." 9. "You honestly expect me to believe you're going to tell John what I did with his wife? You haven't got the bollocks." 10. "Two Stellas, a Fosters, a Bacardi and Diet Coke and a Carling-top please. ...oh, make that half a Fosters - that's bollocksed you, hasn't it? Let's call it a tenner for cash, eh?" 11. "The fax stopped working earlier, so I jammed my pen into that little hole and now I think it's totally bollocksed." 12. "Well, the last thing I remember is walking down to the seafront and laying on the beach. Then, it's six in the morning, I'm stark bollock-naked except for my socks, watch, rings, necklaces, bracelets, earrings and other body jewellery, handcuffed to a tramp." 13. "Well, I was at work, right, and my computer totally bollocksed up, and I hadn't saved that bollocks I was working on, so I though, 'bollocks to this, I'm going down the pub'. I went with Jeff and Dave, who was really quiet, so when I got the beers in, I asked, like, 'who died?!' It turns out, his wife's on the way out, you know, so I'd really dropped a bollock, but Dave said he was okay. He doesn't have the bollocks to say anything else; never has, but I knew Jeff would give me a right bollocking later on. We had a few pints and this dog's bollocks pie - we didn't get too bollocksed or anything, just a bit tipsy, you know. We went back into the office and my PC was up-and-running with that document intact, which bollocksed me a bit, but it's better than a kick in the bollocks, I suppose. So, I went home, got in the shower and noticed a rash on my bollocks, sh-- me up, that did. I came out to show Sam only to find Sam's mum sat there with a cup of tea, staring at me, bollock naked and dripping on the carpet. 'Bollocks,' I thought..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stuckincincy Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 A glossary of British slang - below is the "Exclamations, Crudity, and Rough Insults" section. http://www.zoo.ufl.edu/bolker/vocab/node5....000000000000000 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beerball Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 I got it, I was poking fun at his version of English. 820937[/snapback] i figgered as much. shoulda chosen my smilies more wisely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ramius Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 This bloke decides to throw a party and invites lots of people, telling them to bring their friends too. On the invitation he puts: "Fancy dress party - come as a human emotion." On the night of the party the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a bloke covered in green paint with the words N and V painted on his chest. "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" the hosts asks. "I'm green with envy," the guy answers. "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink," replies the host. A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink bodystocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts. "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" he asks. "I'm tickled pink." "I love it, come on in and join the party." A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time and the host opens the door to see two black Jamaican guys, stark-bollock naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and other with his penis stuck in a pear covered in 'sex wee'. The host is really shocked and says, "!@#$ me, you could get arrested out on the street like that. What the hell are you supposed to be?" The first guy replies (in a strong West Indian accent), "Well, I'm !@#$ing disgusted and my friend here has come in despair." 820860[/snapback] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buckeyemike Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 Took me about three tries, but I got it. Very good, Nick. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beerball Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 13. "Well, I was at work, right, and my computer totally bollocksed up, and I hadn't saved that bollocks I was working on, so I though, 'bollocks to this, I'm going down the pub'. I went with Jeff and Dave, who was really quiet, so when I got the beers in, I asked, like, 'who died?!' It turns out, his wife's on the way out, you know, so I'd really dropped a bollock, but Dave said he was okay. He doesn't have the bollocks to say anything else; never has, but I knew Jeff would give me a right bollocking later on. We had a few pints and this dog's bollocks pie - we didn't get too bollocksed or anything, just a bit tipsy, you know. We went back into the office and my PC was up-and-running with that document intact, which bollocksed me a bit, but it's better than a kick in the bollocks, I suppose. So, I went home, got in the shower and noticed a rash on my bollocks, sh-- me up, that did. I came out to show Sam only to find Sam's mum sat there with a cup of tea, staring at me, bollock naked and dripping on the carpet. 'Bollocks,' I thought..." So these guys are gay right? Not that there's anything wrong with that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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