stevestojan Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 Evans is starting - good Our Oline? still bad Bledsoe - no comment We got it. now just waiting time. While we wait, anyone got any good jokes? Tasteless are always welcome, and if its too, too bad, PM me. If not, post it here.. Most of the hundreds that I know are off color, so I will leave you with this one.. --------------- A Third grade teacher is teaching vobulary, and starts with the word 'definitely'. She asks some kids to use it in a sentence. Little Johnny shoots his hand in the air right away. Wanting to hear from others first, the teacher calls on Susie. Susie says, "The sky is definitely blue" "Very good", the teacher says and again ignores little Johnny, who is jumping up and down raising his hand. She instead calls on Billy. "The Sun is definitely hot", says Billy, and gets praised by the teacher. Now little Johnny is going crazy, hopping up and down, his arm raised high in the air. The teacher says, "Ok Johnny, it's your turn. Use the word 'definitely' in a sentence". Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?" "That is not appropriate for school Johnny!", she sais. Little Johnny just repeats, "Please teacher, do farts have lumps in them!!?" The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny," To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s#it my pants..."
Surfmeister Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 A baby harp seal walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What will you have, baby harp seal?" and the baby harp seal says, "Anything but Canadian Club on the rocks." A ham sandwich walks into a bar, orders a drink and the bartender says, "No, we don't serve food here." A termite walks into a bar and says to the manager "Is the bar tender here ?" A giraffe walks into a bar. The bartender says, go outside, the drinks are on the house. Two giraffes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "What'll you have?" and they reply, "Give us two tall ones." A gay guy walks into the bar. the bartender asks, "what'll you have?" and the gay guy says..."Please, could you push in my stool?" A skeleton walks into a bar and says “Bartender, I’d like a beer and a mop.” A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?" The horse replies, "Genetics." A blind man walks into a bar with his guide-dog on a leash. As he gets up to the bar, he picks up the dog by the leash, and swings him around a few times overhead. As he puts down his (now woozy) dog, the bartender asks "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" The blind man replies, "Taking a look around..." A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. After sitting for a few minutes, he hears a voice say, "nice tie." He looks around but doesn't see anybody near him and so he forgets about it. Some time passes and he hears the same voice say, "nice shirt." This time he looks everywhere; behind him, up and down the bar, under the chair, behind the bar, everywhere he can think to look, but he doesn't see anyone. A few minutes later he hears, "nice haircut." He can't stand it any more, so he calls the bartender over and tells him he has been hearing this voice but can't figure out who is speaking. The bartender says, "Oh that...that's the nuts....................they're complimentary." A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. Bartender says: "What can I do for you"? Duck says: "You can get this guy off my ass". A duck walks into a pharmacy and asks for a roll of chap stick. The clerk says "Will that be cash or charge?", and the duck says, "put it on my bill." A snail walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says they don’t serve snails and throws him out. Two weeks later the snail comes back into the bar and says “Hey, why’d you do that?” Man walks into a bar and orders two drinks. He sips the first one and pours the second on his hand. The bartender seeing this, gets curious and asks him "Hey buddy, why did your pour that drink all over your hand?" The man replies. "Just trying to get my date drunk." A green snake and a pink elephant walk into a bar one day. The Bartender says 'You're both early, he's not here yet.' A dog walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, it's my birthday! Do I get a free drink?" Bartender says, "Sure! The toilets down the hall." A guy walks in to a bar and orders a Martinus. The bartender says "You mean, Martini" The guys says, "If I want two, I'll ask for it.!" So a penguin is driving his rv on vacation and he sees some fluid under it not wanting to ruin his transmission he takes it to the nearest shop and asks "can you look at my transmission to see if it is ok" the mechanic answer "sure, but it will be a few hours" Penguin in a strange town nothing to do starts to wander around, he sees a grocery and decides to get something to eat buys a box of Ice Cream sandwiches and sets down to eat them after a sandwich or too he falls asleep, a few hour later he wakes up to find the ice cream has melted all over his belly and the transmission shop is closing in 10 minute The penguin rushes over to the shop "Is my transmission OK" he asks the mechanic The mechanic replies " looks like you just blew a seal” The penguin looks at the mess on his belly and reply ITS ICECREAM < JUST ICECREAM A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What’s this? Some kind of a joke?" So this guy walks into Zilinskis bar over in Cheektowaga goes up to the bartender , Stan Zilinski and asks quite loudly HEY BUDDY YA WANNA HEAR A POLACK JOKE Stan , a huge man gets a confused look on his face and asks the guy "do you know your in a polish bar, in a polish neighborhood, and I am polish? and as a matter of fact that guy playing pool is my brother and he is polish and that guy playing pinball is my other brother , So do9 you still want to tell this "Polack" joke The stranger stops for a minute and responds "I guess not, I don't want to have to repeat it three times!" A widow walks into a bar in Miami and sits next to a guy. She says, "You're new here. Where are you from ?" He says, "I just got out of Okkeefenokkee Correctional Facility for murdering my wife with a hack saw and stuffing her into a suitcase." She says, "Oh, so you're single." A Rhino walks into a bar.``A cocktail bartender``. The bartender replies`` Drinks are free``. Rhino:Why? Bartender: We don’t charge Rhinos`` . A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf." Four young nuns walk into confession together. The priest says "o.k. girls, what happened now?" The first girl steps up and says "well, we were walking through the park, and this guy wearing a trench coat jumps out from behind a tree, opens his coat, and he is totally naked". The priest says "o.k., what happened then?" "Well, I've never seen a naked man, so I looked at him, I mean, I LOOKED at that man". "Oh, dear God" says the priest. "Say three hail Mary's, and wash your eyes in that bowl of Holy Water" The second girl steps up. "O.k., what happened?" "Well, I've never touched a man before, so I touched him, I mean, I TOUCHED that man" "Oh this is horrible" says the priest. "Say ten Hail Mary's and wash your hands in that bowl of Holy Water" All of the sudden, the fourth girl jumps in front of the third one and says "hey, I want to gargle before sister Suzy washes her butt!" An Irish guy starts going into a New York bar and orders 4 shots all at the same time. He drinks all 4 then leaves. This goes on for several weeks and finally the bartender says, "Say buddy, what's with ordering 4 drinks all at the same time?" The Irishman says, "Well, when I left home I promised my 3 three brothers that I'd have drink for each of them every day." Several months goes by and one day the Irishman comes in and orders 3 drinks instead of his usual 4. The bartender says, "My deepest condolences, friend, I assume one of your brothers has passed on." The Irishman looks up and says, "Thank you, but no, I've not lost a brother. It's just that the doctor has insisted that I quit drinking........" A bear walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Can I have a.......................................................................pint of lager?" "Yeah sure", the barman says, "But why the big pause?" (paws) Then there's the one about the man and his dwarf stallion who goes into the bar. The man orders a beer and the dwarf stallion whispers something to the barman. "Did he order something?" the barman asked. "Yep," said the man. "Listen closely." Again the dwarf stallion whispers something. "I can't hear what he's saying." says the barman. "Yeah, I know." says the man. "He's a little horse." A Koala walks into a bar. A hooker comes up to the Koala and says, "hey hairy, want a date?" The Koala says sure, and they sit in a booth in the corner. The hooker and the Koala start to get-it-on and end up with the Koala performing oral sex on the hooker. Afterwards the hooker tries to get her money, but the Koala refuses. "Hey," says the hooker, "don't you know the definition of a hooker?" And the Koala says, "No, sorry, I don't." And the hooker says, "it's someone who has sex for money." And the Koala says, "Well I guess you don't know the definition of a Koala." "What's that?" asks the hooker. "An animal that eats bushes and leaves." A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge" A giraffe, a doe and a skunk were having cocktails in a bar. The waiter brought them their bill. The skunk said, "Gee, I'm afraid I only have one scent." The doe then stated, "uh . . I had a buck on me an hour ago, but not now." Then the giraffe said, "Well it looks like the highballs are on me." A dyslexic walks into a bra... So this empty beer bottle walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, weren't you drunk in here last night?" So this cow walks into a bar, and says, "Hay, Bartender!" A ghost walks into a bar, "Sorry," says the bartender ,"we don't serve spirits here." A man walks into a bar only to see a sign "Free Beer -- Certain Restrictions Apply". The guy says to the barkeep, "What kind of restrictions apply?" Barkeep: Well, you've got to do three things, then the rest of the evening's beer's on the house. Guy: Sounds good to me, what do I have to do? BK: Well, first you have to drink a whole bottle of pepper tequila in one chug. Then, there's an alligator out back with a terrible toothache and you have to pull out the tooth with your bare hand. Finally, there's a woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm, and you have to make her happy. Guy: You're f*cking nuts. I'll buy my drinks, thank you. Well, time passes, and the guy's had a few too many and says... Guy: Awright, ware's dat tikeela? BK: You're gonna do it? Guy: Damn right, I'm gonna do it. The barkeep hands the guy a fifth, and the guy just slams it down. He stumbles out back to the alligator. There's terrible noises thumping, screams and growns, and finally, the guy staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and bloody and terrible gashes across his face and torso, and sez: Awright, where's the broad with the toothache? A man walks into a bar carrying jumper cables. The bartender says, "HEY, don't you try to start anything in here." A man walks into a bar, sits down and drinks a beer. Then he drinks another beer, and another and... soon he needs to take a leak. He's standing at the urinal in the men's room, when he looks over and notices three black men standing at the other urinals. He notices that the one in the middle has a white rooster. He zips up and, still a bit confused, goes back to the bar. He orders another brewsky and mentions to the bartender, "I was in the men's room and noticed three black men in there. I swear the one in the middle had a white rooster! The bartender says, pointing, "You mean those three guys at that table over there?" "Yes", the man says, "They're the ones." "Well," replies the bartender, "Those guys aren't black. They're coalminers. The one in the middle must have gone home for lunch." Vlad the Impaler’s favorite joke was, > > This bar goes into this guy........ A guy walks in a bar and sees a woman and two men at her table. He shoots men and asks: "Why is the lady alone?" Two nuns in the bath and one says to the other "Where's the soap ?" to which the other replies "Yes, it does, doesn't it ?" Q: Why did the architect have his house made backwards ? A: So he could watch TV at the same time.
millbank Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 You're a girl... A girl and a boy were both in the fourth grade. The boy came by the girl's house with a baseball and teased the girl, saying, "Ha Ha! You can't have a baseball 'cause you're a girl." The girl went to her mom crying, so her mom bought her a baseball. The boy got pissed off when he saw her with her own baseball. The next day he came by with a boy's bike and teased her, saying, "Ha Ha! You can't have a boy's bike 'cause you're a girl!" The girl went crying to her mom and she got a boy's bike. The boy got very pissed off again when she showed him her new bike. The next day the boy came by, pulled down his pants, and said, "I have one of these and you can't go crying to your mom to get one!" She went crying to her mom and then came out, pulled up her dress and said, "My mom said as long as I have one of these I can get as many of those that I want!" sross@edit.nydailynews.com
Movinon Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 Buckwheat and Darla are sitting in class. The teacher asks “who can spell dumb.” Darla raises her hand and says “d u m b." The teacher says “very good, now use it in a sentence.” Darla says “Buckwheat is dumb.” The teacher asks “who can spell stupid.”Darla raises her hand and says“s t u p i d.” The teacher says “very good, now use it in a sentence.” Darla says “Buckwheat is stupid.” The teacher asks “who can spell dictate.” This time Buckwheat raises his hand and says “d i c t a t e.” The teacher says “very good, now use it in a sentence.” Buckwheat says “I may be dumb and I may be stupid but Darla says my dictate good.”
Gary M Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 Subject: Cussing A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "you know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'. The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for break fast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."
Movinon Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 These two little boys are sitting in the living room watching TV with their parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs. The father "gets" the message and they both get up and head towards the stairs. The mother turns back to the two boys and says, "We're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV. We'll be right back, okay?" The two boys nod okay and the parents take off upstairs. The oldest of the two boys is old enough to know what is going on now, and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, he peeks into his Mom and Dad's bedroom and shakes his head. Back downstairs he goes back to his little brother. "Come with me", he says. And the two little boys tiptoe back up the stairs. Halfway up, the older brother turns to his younger brother and says, "Now I want you to keep in mind that THIS is the same woman who used to bust our ass for sucking our thumb!
Beerball Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 Two nuns in the bath and one says to the other "Where's the soap ?"to which the other replies "Yes, it does, doesn't it ?" 52197[/snapback] Ok dammit, I've read that damn thing 4 times and I still don't get it. WTF is the friggin joke?
Frez Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 Ok dammit, I've read that damn thing 4 times and I still don't get it. WTF is the friggin joke? 52351[/snapback] Hahahahahahahahahahahahaaahahahahaaa that's some funny stevestojan right there
stevestojan Posted October 1, 2004 Author Posted October 1, 2004 Ok dammit, I've read that damn thing 4 times and I still don't get it. WTF is the friggin joke? 52351[/snapback] Thank GOD you said it first... i dont get it either ...
Beerball Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 Hahahahahahahahahahahahaaahahahahaaa that's some funny stevestojan right there 52353[/snapback] BASTARD!
R. Rich Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 Vlad the Impaler’s favorite joke was, > > This bar goes into this guy........ 52197[/snapback] Hahahahahaha!!!!!!
The Poojer Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 VOBULARY???????????????????? A Third grade teacher is teaching vobulary,
/dev/null Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 Paris Hilton walks into a dry cleaners. Behind the counter is an elderly chap who has forgotten his hearing aid today. Paris: I'll be back to pick this up on Thursday The elderly dry cleaner leans closer to hear better. "Huh missy? Come again?" Paris: No, this time its mayonaise.
_BiB_ Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn? "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fu-ck off the car!
DC Tom Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 A man walks into a bar, sits down, orders a beer...notices a gorilla sitting in the corner. "Hey, bartender. What's that gorilla doing in the corner of the bar?" "Let me show you", he says. He pulls a 2x4 out from under the bar and whacks the gorilla upside the head. The gorilla jumps up, pulls down the bartender's pants, gives him oral sex, and runs back into the corner. "That's amazing." says the man. "All you do is hit him over the head, and you get a blow job!" "Yep. You want to try it?" asks the bartender. Man replies: "Well....okay. But don't hit me too hard with the 2x4..."
gantrules Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 A green snake and a pink elephant walk into a bar one day. The Bartender says 'You're both early, he's not here yet.' ----------- I don't get this one....
Kevbeau Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 Sorry, couldn't resist the obligitory French joke. A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English major. Taking the major to their headquarters, the French general began to question him. The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?" In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic. And that is why from that day to now all French Army officers wear brown pants.
The Poojer Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 that is one of the funnierst jokes i have seen in a very long time. thanks for that one! Buckwheat and Darla are sitting in class. The teacher asks “who can spell dumb.” Darla raises her hand and says “d u m b." The teacher says “very good, now use it in a sentence.” Darla says “Buckwheat is dumb.” The teacher asks “who can spell stupid.”Darla raises her hand and says“s t u p i d.” The teacher says “very good, now use it in a sentence.” Darla says “Buckwheat is stupid.” The teacher asks “who can spell dictate.” This time Buckwheat raises his hand and says “d i c t a t e.” The teacher says “very good, now use it in a sentence.” Buckwheat says “I may be dumb and I may be stupid but Darla says my dictate good.” 52271[/snapback]
Kevbeau Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 One day a mother was cleaning her son's room, and in the closet she found a S & M magazine. Unsure of how to confront her son, she hid the magazine until his father got home. She showed her husband what she had found while she was cleaning. He looked at the S & M magazine and handed it back to her without a word. She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?" He looked back at her hesitantly and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."
Kevbeau Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 Old joke...but still good Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, no Brenda, no." "No?" "Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
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