ieatcrayonz Posted April 27, 2006 Share Posted April 27, 2006 On Monday night around 7PM as I left my executive suite for home I noticed a slovenly character in the corner of the parking garage. I figured it was just a bum peeing so I continued toward my car. As we have all now discovered, it was LABillz waiting to kidnap me. So although the distinct smelll of urine meant my original assessment was correct, there was something I missed. He snuck up on me and put a chlorine soaked rag over my mouth. The next thing I knew I woke up tied to a chair in LA. I knew it was LA from the stench and the tacky decor in the room. This included a life size cardboard cutout of Fabio. He had gone to the trouble of bringing me halfway across the country. Thankfully, my idiot captor was wearing a Richard Nixon mask to improve his looks and spare me the horror. At first he was mumbling to himself about demands being met and a corn on his big toe, but then he noticed I was awake. He said he had had enough of me but that I would be spared if certain conditions were met. He then said he had to go check on my impending torture. When he opened the door I smelled an apetizing aroma cutting its way through the smell of the LA smog and the idiot's sweat from inside his Richard Nixon mask. When the door shut I heard him scream from the other side. JIM! ISN'T THAT READY YET? YOU SAID IT WOULD TAKE 20 MINUTES TOPS!!!!!!! THAT WAS 45 MINUTES AGO. Another voice frantically said "I didn't realize there was this much to it. Give me another 15 minutes. Nixon grunted and asked where the newspaper was. He said he needed some reading material for his trip to the outhouse. I got the feeling that I was not in the high rent district. Another minute later a woman entered the room. It was Nixon's wife. She was beautiful but looked sad. It was the kind of look people get when they have no hope. At first she was going to walk right past me. I don't think it is unusual for her to see men in her bedroom that had been tied up by Nixon. She glanced at me as she walked by and stopped in her tracks as many women do. She quickly untied me and I thanked her. I told her I must leave because Nixon and Jim would be back in about about 13 minutes. A wry smile crossed her face and she said said "That leaves time for us to have sex and you'll still have 6 minutes to get away." I had the grim duty of informing her that not all men are like Nixon and that not even the full 13 minutes would be enough. I told her my name and that she could look me up by calling 555-1212. Now that I know she is safe from him and halfway here on a Greyhound I feel free to post this. When she arrives I will let her down gently as I cannot be satisfied by merely one woman and she has already had enough heartbreak for a lifetime. I will help her set up a new life with a new identity. I am good at that. Maybe this will be a wakeup call to LA. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thailog80 Posted April 27, 2006 Share Posted April 27, 2006 I don't think it is unusual for her to see men in her bedroom that had been tied up by Nixon. 671712[/snapback] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ghost of BiB Posted April 27, 2006 Share Posted April 27, 2006 ..... So.... Does this mean we don't get the FU smiley back? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tennesseeboy Posted April 27, 2006 Share Posted April 27, 2006 I will let her down gently as I cannot be satisfied by merely one woman Usually it takes one woman, a little boy, a jar of mayonnaise and a duck? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kegtapr Posted April 27, 2006 Share Posted April 27, 2006 Usually it takes one woman, a little boy, a jar of mayonnaise and a duck? 671737[/snapback] Swap the little boy for a midget and it sounds like a great Friday night to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gary M Posted April 27, 2006 Share Posted April 27, 2006 Swap the little boy for a midget and it sounds like a great Friday night to me. 671780[/snapback] PLEASE tell me you meant a female midget? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meazza Posted April 27, 2006 Share Posted April 27, 2006 Damn LA, you think i paid you good money to do the job right Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tennesseeboy Posted April 27, 2006 Share Posted April 27, 2006 PLEASE tell me you meant a female midget? 671852[/snapback] fmale? Human or canine? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ghost of BiB Posted April 27, 2006 Share Posted April 27, 2006 fmale? Human or canine? 671964[/snapback] Pony. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meazza Posted April 27, 2006 Share Posted April 27, 2006 Pony. 671967[/snapback] figures Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tennesseeboy Posted April 27, 2006 Share Posted April 27, 2006 Pony. 671967[/snapback] Oh ...were you a marine too? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chef Jim Posted April 27, 2006 Share Posted April 27, 2006 LA and I are on on way to Las Vegas. We deny everything. On the advice of our lawyer all we are allowed to let you know it the following: We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, and a whole multi colored collection of uppers, downers, laughers, screamers... Also, a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls. Not that we needed all that for the trip, but once you get into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can. The only thing that really worried me was the ether. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge, and I knew we'd get into that rotten stuff pretty soon. Well let you know how the trip came out once we get there........... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boomerjamhead Posted April 27, 2006 Share Posted April 27, 2006 Pony. 671967[/snapback] Caught on tape. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ramius Posted April 27, 2006 Share Posted April 27, 2006 On Monday night around 7PM as I left my executive suite for home I noticed a slovenly character in the corner of the parking garage. I figured it was just a bum peeing so I continued toward my car. As we have all now discovered, it was LABillz waiting to kidnap me. So although the distinct smelll of urine meant my original assessment was correct, there was something I missed. He snuck up on me and put a chlorine soaked rag over my mouth. The next thing I knew I woke up tied to a chair in LA. I knew it was LA from the stench and the tacky decor in the room. This included a life size cardboard cutout of Fabio. He had gone to the trouble of bringing me halfway across the country. Thankfully, my idiot captor was wearing a Richard Nixon mask to improve his looks and spare me the horror. At first he was mumbling to himself about demands being met and a corn on his big toe, but then he noticed I was awake. He said he had had enough of me but that I would be spared if certain conditions were met. He then said he had to go check on my impending torture. When he opened the door I smelled an apetizing aroma cutting its way through the smell of the LA smog and the idiot's sweat from inside his Richard Nixon mask. When the door shut I heard him scream from the other side. JIM! ISN'T THAT READY YET? YOU SAID IT WOULD TAKE 20 MINUTES TOPS!!!!!!! THAT WAS 45 MINUTES AGO. Another voice frantically said "I didn't realize there was this much to it. Give me another 15 minutes. Nixon grunted and asked where the newspaper was. He said he needed some reading material for his trip to the outhouse. I got the feeling that I was not in the high rent district. Another minute later a woman entered the room. It was Nixon's wife. She was beautiful but looked sad. It was the kind of look people get when they have no hope. At first she was going to walk right past me. I don't think it is unusual for her to see men in her bedroom that had been tied up by Nixon. She glanced at me as she walked by and stopped in her tracks as many women do. She quickly untied me and I thanked her. I told her I must leave because Nixon and Jim would be back in about about 13 minutes. A wry smile crossed her face and she said said "That leaves time for us to have sex and you'll still have 6 minutes to get away." I had the grim duty of informing her that not all men are like Nixon and that not even the full 13 minutes would be enough. I told her my name and that she could look me up by calling 317-555-1212. Now that I know she is safe from him and halfway here on a Greyhound I feel free to post this. When she arrives I will let her down gently as I cannot be satisfied by merely one woman and she has already had enough heartbreak for a lifetime. I will help her set up a new life with a new identity. I am good at that. Maybe this will be a wakeup call to LA. 671712[/snapback] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johnny Coli Posted April 27, 2006 Share Posted April 27, 2006 On Monday night around 7PM ...[snip] 671712[/snapback] Bravo, sir, bravo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Like A Mofo Posted April 27, 2006 Share Posted April 27, 2006 671987[/snapback] I 2nd that!!! Classic!!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IDBillzFan Posted April 27, 2006 Share Posted April 27, 2006 Damn LA, you think i paid you good money to do the job right 671963[/snapback] The problem stemmed from thinking that paying me "good money" equates to offering me a link to your myspace account. No wonder the !@#$er got away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beerball Posted April 27, 2006 Share Posted April 27, 2006 On Monday night around 7PM as I left my executive suite for home I noticed a slovenly character in the corner of the parking garage. I figured it was just a bum peeing so I continued toward my car. As we have all now discovered, it was LABillz waiting to kidnap me. So although the distinct smelll of urine meant my original assessment was correct, there was something I missed. He snuck up on me and put a chlorine soaked rag over my mouth. The next thing I knew I woke up tied to a chair in LA. I knew it was LA from the stench and the tacky decor in the room. This included a life size cardboard cutout of Fabio. He had gone to the trouble of bringing me halfway across the country. Thankfully, my idiot captor was wearing a Richard Nixon mask to improve his looks and spare me the horror. At first he was mumbling to himself about demands being met and a corn on his big toe, but then he noticed I was awake. He said he had had enough of me but that I would be spared if certain conditions were met. He then said he had to go check on my impending torture. When he opened the door I smelled an apetizing aroma cutting its way through the smell of the LA smog and the idiot's sweat from inside his Richard Nixon mask. When the door shut I heard him scream from the other side. JIM! ISN'T THAT READY YET? YOU SAID IT WOULD TAKE 20 MINUTES TOPS!!!!!!! THAT WAS 45 MINUTES AGO. Another voice frantically said "I didn't realize there was this much to it. Give me another 15 minutes. Nixon grunted and asked where the newspaper was. He said he needed some reading material for his trip to the outhouse. I got the feeling that I was not in the high rent district. Another minute later a woman entered the room. It was Nixon's wife. She was beautiful but looked sad. It was the kind of look people get when they have no hope. At first she was going to walk right past me. I don't think it is unusual for her to see men in her bedroom that had been tied up by Nixon. She glanced at me as she walked by and stopped in her tracks as many women do. She quickly untied me and I thanked her. I told her I must leave because Nixon and Jim would be back in about about 13 minutes. A wry smile crossed her face and she said said "That leaves time for us to have sex and you'll still have 6 minutes to get away." I had the grim duty of informing her that not all men are like Nixon and that not even the full 13 minutes would be enough. I told her my name and that she could look me up by calling 317-555-1212. Now that I know she is safe from him and halfway here on a Greyhound I feel free to post this. When she arrives I will let her down gently as I cannot be satisfied by merely one woman and she has already had enough heartbreak for a lifetime. I will help her set up a new life with a new identity. I am good at that. Maybe this will be a wakeup call to LA. 671712[/snapback] You are a beautiful man. Damn tears, gotta go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ghost of BiB Posted April 27, 2006 Share Posted April 27, 2006 figures 671970[/snapback] Figures. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ExiledInIllinois Posted April 27, 2006 Share Posted April 27, 2006 Hmmm... Don't let Ed find out he took you HALF-WAY across the country... Hmmmm... Where would that half-way point be? On another note: LA... I think you violated the Mann Act... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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