smokinandjokin Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 My boss is out of the office this week, so I am sailing along rather smoothly here. In fact, even feeling a bit bored. I figured I would like a good laugh at your expense! Fire away with a funny story about your wife/gf/sig other and help me drag my ass through another day in the office. I'll get started, this one is as recent as today... I was supposed to go to my girlfriend's brother's house for Easter Sunday dinner. Her brother and his wife were having pretty much her whole family over, and needless to say, I was planning on attending. However, at about 7pm the night before (Sat night) my buddy called me and said he had an extra ticket to the Sabres-Leafs game, and was wondering if I could go. I said, "Let me call you back in five minutes." I called my gf, she said people were arriving at her bro's around 3, dinner around 6. The puck drops at 5pm at HSBC. I said, "Baby, I don't think I can swing it for dinner (I thought about lying right here, but didn't) I have a ticket to the Sabres-Leafs game. I'll hang out with the fam before, and come back after." Needless to say, she was less than thrilled, but is amazingly understanding about sporting events. Even more needless to say, I ended up getting pretty bombed at the hockey game, and showed up at her bro's house afterwards packing a nice buzz. I also proceeded to scarf down a huge plate of Easter ham while her mom scolded me for skipping the real dinner. Quite the spectacle. Here's why I love her: Tonight is her birthday. I play in a basketball league every Tuesday night, and tonight is the last game before the playoffs. We are in 4th place, and the top 4 make the playoffs (we should win, we are playing the last place team who won only once.) I wakeup this morning, and my gf is gone...She is a teacher and is off this week, so she goes to the gym early in the AM. I get out of the shower and notice that all of my basketball gear is locked in the dog's crate, with a Masterlock that I don't have the combination for. Very funny- shoes, shorts, jersey, all laying in there in plain view, but unreachable. She left a note on the crate that said, "Hope you enjoyed the hockey game Sunday...Dinner tonight bud, you're not getting out of this one!!!" I was shocked to see my hoops gear locked up in plain view, but I read her note and just had to crack up. She's so laidback about all of my other antics, that I think she deserves a nice bday celebration tonight. Luckily for me, I planned ahead...I was letting her think I was playing hoops tonight but was planning on skipping it all along...Dinner rez for two at a nice spot, and then I have 5-6 of her friends (and a few of mine as well) meeting us out for drinks after. What a class act I am. Hopefully this holds me over till next year! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CosmicBills Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 Hopefully this holds me over till next year! 664362[/snapback] That's a good one! Sadly I don't have many "funny" stories to share, most of my female stories end in humiliation or with a restraining order Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crap Throwing Monkey Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 My boss is out of the office this week, so I am sailing along rather smoothly here. In fact, even feeling a bit bored. I figured I would like a good laugh at your expense! Fire away with a funny story about your wife/gf/sig other and help me drag my ass through another day in the office. I'll get started, this one is as recent as today... I was supposed to go to my girlfriend's brother's house for Easter Sunday dinner. Her brother and his wife were having pretty much her whole family over, and needless to say, I was planning on attending. However, at about 7pm the night before (Sat night) my buddy called me and said he had an extra ticket to the Sabres-Leafs game, and was wondering if I could go. I said, "Let me call you back in five minutes." I called my gf, she said people were arriving at her bro's around 3, dinner around 6. The puck drops at 5pm at HSBC. I said, "Baby, I don't think I can swing it for dinner (I thought about lying right here, but didn't) I have a ticket to the Sabres-Leafs game. I'll hang out with the fam before, and come back after." Needless to say, she was less than thrilled, but is amazingly understanding about sporting events. Even more needless to say, I ended up getting pretty bombed at the hockey game, and showed up at her bro's house afterwards packing a nice buzz. I also proceeded to scarf down a huge plate of Easter ham while her mom scolded me for skipping the real dinner. Quite the spectacle. Here's why I love her: Tonight is her birthday. I play in a basketball league every Tuesday night, and tonight is the last game before the playoffs. We are in 4th place, and the top 4 make the playoffs (we should win, we are playing the last place team who won only once.) I wakeup this morning, and my gf is gone...She is a teacher and is off this week, so she goes to the gym early in the AM. I get out of the shower and notice that all of my basketball gear is locked in the dog's crate, with a Masterlock that I don't have the combination for. Very funny- shoes, shorts, jersey, all laying in there in plain view, but unreachable. She left a note on the crate that said, "Hope you enjoyed the hockey game Sunday...Dinner tonight bud, you're not getting out of this one!!!" I was shocked to see my hoops gear locked up in plain view, but I read her note and just had to crack up. She's so laidback about all of my other antics, that I think she deserves a nice bday celebration tonight. Luckily for me, I planned ahead...I was letting her think I was playing hoops tonight but was planning on skipping it all along...Dinner rez for two at a nice spot, and then I have 5-6 of her friends (and a few of mine as well) meeting us out for drinks after. What a class act I am. Hopefully this holds me over till next year! 664362[/snapback] Hope you're planning on popping the question someday; she sounds like a keeper. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillsFanNC Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 Hope you're planning on popping the question someday; she sounds like a keeper. 664424[/snapback] Once she has the ring though it's a good bet that it doesn't go nearly as well for him. No hockey game and she probably burns the basketball gear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CosmicBills Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 Well, since I am currently single I have no good stories to share. But I have compiled a little list of what NOT to do... Dating is tricky. Well, it is for those of us who have no capacity for understanding the female psyche. Every issue of Men’s Health, Maxim, Stuff, Redbook, and Science Weekly will tell you how to pick up a woman – but none of them tell you what to avoid. But fear not! I have compiled a cheat sheet of things NOT to do. Prudence demands that I do not disclose exactly how I learned these humiliating nuggets, but needless to say I have had to endure plenty of bruises, slaps, mace and restraining orders as a result of these "moves". Here's a brief list of the basics. Let's call them the 7 Deadly Sins of picking up broads (FYI: Sin 7b is calling women "broads") 1) High Fives: I know, it sounds weird, but chicks don’t dig High-Fives. In every courtship there comes that “moment”. You know the one I mean – the wonderful conversation suddenly stops, there is that awkward silence. You look into her eyes and for once she doesn’t recoil in disgust. This is a delicate moment – one in which it is acceptable to do any of the following: ask for her number; give her a hug; or even a smooch. However it is NOT advisable to chicken out and mask that fear by offering her a friendly High-Five. Resorting to this time honored male tradition instantly confines you to the "Friend Zone" or worse, it buys you a one way ticket to Loser-ville. (It's also worth while to mention that using terms like Loser-ville will not win you many points with the fairer sex.) 2) Trying out New Dance Moves: Look, it's one thing if you can cut the rug like Usher (and it helps if you look like him rather than looking like…well…you), but if you are as uncoordinated as me, it's best not to try that new dance move you saw on BET the night before. No matter how cool it looked on T.V. or in that movie, remember you are not Antonio Banderas or even Patrick Swayze (aka Craze-Dawg). Nothing sends a woman running for cover quicker than an updated, out of rhythm, version of the cabbage patch. 3) Talking about Past Relationships: All the chick magazines talk about how women want a sensitive guy. That does not mean women want to hear about how you screwed up your last relationship by !@#$ing a bartender while a circus midget filmed it (would have been a cooler story if the midget hadn’t forgotten to take the lens cap off). Worse, a woman does not want to hear about how your ex "screwed you over". You think you're being sensitive and in touch with her needs by demonstrating that you’ve been hurt before but all you're really doing is demonstrating what a tool you are. 4) Not Picking up on Signals: Okay, this one is a bit tricky. There are some tripods out there that are incapable of picking up a signal even if it is being flashed with neon lights. Worse, there are those out there who analyze every little thing as if they are Dan Brown trying to crack the Da Vinci Code. Successful hooking up with the ladies requires that you understand how to appropriately decode her signals. And just a heads up -- they are never as complicated as they may seem. Here's a basic primer: If a woman is talking to you -- that's a plus. If she is talking to a hulking man with jail house tattoos, she is ordering a hit on you. So run. Women are easy -- and no not in that way...well, some are. But here's the thing, women know we are slower than they are. They know they can out wit us with a blink of an eye or a glimpse of a breast. So if they want you, they will let you know. If you are in doubt about whether or not she is into you, she isn't. So move along. 5) Crying: Every girl always says they want a man who can cry. bull sh--. There are only three times when it is acceptable for a man to cry in front of a woman: if she has just run over his dog (and only then if said dog has saved said man’s life at least three times – preferably in ‘Nam), if he has been laughing so hard at a really immature joke he begins to cry, or if Jack Bauer dies. That's it. No exceptions. See, women think they want you to cry, but as soon as you do they get this look in their eyes that says: "I wonder what my ex boyfriend is doing right now..." 6) Confusing One Night Stands for Marriage Proposals: This ties in with number 4 above. But many a good man has gone down in flames confusing a one night stand with something more substantial -- or worse, confusing something serious with a one night stand. Basic guidelines apply: If the woman is slurring her words, cannot stand up straight and is wearing less covering than Paris Hilton at the beach -- chances are she isn't your bride to be. Now, be a gentleman, get her some water and walk her to a cab. (Come on, I'm not THAT much of an ass hole am I?). But seriously, there is a magical hour that happens in every bar across the country. Once the clock hits 1:15am, people change. Suddenly, everyone who hasn’t found a hookup yet are in full out panic mode. They are scrambling to find a warm body to go home with. Face it, the girls didn’t get dressed up just to go home alone! I highly recommend anyone sober enough to be cognizant of the magic hour to pay close attention next time they are out on the town. It's quite the site. So, with that in mind, my rule is: if you meet before 1:15, chances are it's not just the alcohol talking. If you meet past 1:15am, just thank God for beer goggles. 7) Hitting on Her Roommate: Yeah. Seinfeld covered this topic excellently. The "Switch" is highly frowned on within female circles. Sure, it's possible; in some cases it's preferable. But only experts need try. And chances are if you are reading this then you are not an expert. Hell, I'm not either. I just am reporting from the front for your benefit. There are only three possible outcomes from even attempting this move -- and they are all end with castration. You’ve been warned. So, there you have it. The 7 Deadly Sins to avoid when trying to pick up women. I wish I could give people more hope, but it’s slim pickings out there. So keep your eyes on the prize, strap on your helmets extra tight and get in there. If all else fails, you can come home (alone) and write a post on the Wall about it… Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dib Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 She's not going to the gym, she's coming to my house. bwahahahahaha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smokinandjokin Posted April 18, 2006 Author Share Posted April 18, 2006 She's not going to the gym, she's coming to my house. bwahahahahaha 664438[/snapback] Bastard! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beerball Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 Been married 22 years, sorry, aint nothin funny bout that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
billsfanmiami(oh) Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 1) High Fives:I know, it sounds weird, but chicks don’t dig High-Fives. In every courtship there comes that “moment”. You know the one I mean – the wonderful conversation suddenly stops, there is that awkward silence. You look into her eyes and for once she doesn’t recoil in disgust. This is a delicate moment – one in which it is acceptable to do any of the following: ask for her number; give her a hug; or even a smooch. However it is NOT advisable to chicken out and mask that fear by offering her a friendly High-Five. Resorting to this time honored male tradition instantly confines you to the "Friend Zone" or worse, it buys you a one way ticket to Loser-ville. (It's also worth while to mention that using terms like Loser-ville will not win you many points with the fairer sex.) 2) Trying out New Dance Moves: Look, it's one thing if you can cut the rug like Usher (and it helps if you look like him rather than looking like…well…you), but if you are as uncoordinated as me, it's best not to try that new dance move you saw on BET the night before. No matter how cool it looked on T.V. or in that movie, remember you are not Antonio Banderas or even Patrick Swayze (aka Craze-Dawg). Nothing sends a woman running for cover quicker than an updated, out of rhythm, version of the cabbage patch. 3) Talking about Past Relationships: All the chick magazines talk about how women want a sensitive guy. That does not mean women want to hear about how you screwed up your last relationship by !@#$ing a bartender while a circus midget filmed it (would have been a cooler story if the midget hadn’t forgotten to take the lens cap off). Worse, a woman does not want to hear about how your ex "screwed you over". You think you're being sensitive and in touch with her needs by demonstrating that you’ve been hurt before but all you're really doing is demonstrating what a tool you are. 4) Not Picking up on Signals: Okay, this one is a bit tricky. There are some tripods out there that are incapable of picking up a signal even if it is being flashed with neon lights. Worse, there are those out there who analyze every little thing as if they are Dan Brown trying to crack the Da Vinci Code. Successful hooking up with the ladies requires that you understand how to appropriately decode her signals. And just a heads up -- they are never as complicated as they may seem. Here's a basic primer: If a woman is talking to you -- that's a plus. If she is talking to a hulking man with jail house tattoos, she is ordering a hit on you. So run. Women are easy -- and no not in that way...well, some are. But here's the thing, women know we are slower than they are. They know they can out wit us with a blink of an eye or a glimpse of a breast. So if they want you, they will let you know. If you are in doubt about whether or not she is into you, she isn't. So move along. 5) Crying: Every girl always says they want a man who can cry. bull sh--. There are only three times when it is acceptable for a man to cry in front of a woman: if she has just run over his dog (and only then if said dog has saved said man’s life at least three times – preferably in ‘Nam), if he has been laughing so hard at a really immature joke he begins to cry, or if Jack Bauer dies. That's it. No exceptions. See, women think they want you to cry, but as soon as you do they get this look in their eyes that says: "I wonder what my ex boyfriend is doing right now..." 6) Confusing One Night Stands for Marriage Proposals: This ties in with number 4 above. But many a good man has gone down in flames confusing a one night stand with something more substantial -- or worse, confusing something serious with a one night stand. Basic guidelines apply: If the woman is slurring her words, cannot stand up straight and is wearing less covering than Paris Hilton at the beach -- chances are she isn't your bride to be. Now, be a gentleman, get her some water and walk her to a cab. (Come on, I'm not THAT much of an ass hole am I?). But seriously, there is a magical hour that happens in every bar across the country. Once the clock hits 1:15am, people change. Suddenly, everyone who hasn’t found a hookup yet are in full out panic mode. They are scrambling to find a warm body to go home with. Face it, the girls didn’t get dressed up just to go home alone! I highly recommend anyone sober enough to be cognizant of the magic hour to pay close attention next time they are out on the town. It's quite the site. So, with that in mind, my rule is: if you meet before 1:15, chances are it's not just the alcohol talking. If you meet past 1:15am, just thank God for beer goggles. 7) Hitting on Her Roommate: Yeah. Seinfeld covered this topic excellently. The "Switch" is highly frowned on within female circles. Sure, it's possible; in some cases it's preferable. But only experts need try. And chances are if you are reading this blog then you are not an expert. Hell, I'm not either. I just am reporting from the front for your benefit. There are only three possible outcomes from even attempting this move -- and they are all end with castration. You’ve been warned. So, there you have it. The 7 Deadly Sins to avoid when trying to pick up women. I wish I could give people more hope, but it’s slim pickings out there. So keep your eyes on the prize, strap on your helmets extra tight and get in there. If all else fails, you can come home (alone) and write a post on the Wall about it… 664431[/snapback] Thanks, I probably would have never thought to avoid any of those. Hard to believe you're single... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CosmicBills Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 Thanks, I probably would have never thought to avoid any of those. Hard to believe you're single... 664618[/snapback] I know. My mom can't believe it either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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