Mile High Posted March 27, 2006 Share Posted March 27, 2006 GENTLEMEN, IT'S TIME FOR YOUR ANNUAL "AM I GAY?" SELF-EXAMINATION 1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet. 2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay. 3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or breasts. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag. 4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases. 5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be ha r d strong, black, and full aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim "and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man there, too. 6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious. 7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or play with his honey in the passenger seat. 8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vousle Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they Flame out too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Poojer Posted March 27, 2006 Share Posted March 27, 2006 do tootsie pops count here? or is it strictly lollies? 3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or breasts. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mile High Posted March 27, 2006 Author Share Posted March 27, 2006 do tootsie pops count here? or is it strictly lollies? 3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or breasts. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag. 643474[/snapback] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Poojer Posted March 27, 2006 Share Posted March 27, 2006 now i purposely watched dirty dancing this weekend because I think Jennifer Grey did more for capri-type pants since laura petrie of the dick van dyke show, (not to mention what she did for daisy duke -type denim shorts)should I be worried 8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vousle Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they Flame out too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beerball Posted March 27, 2006 Share Posted March 27, 2006 now i purposely watched dirty dancing this weekend because I think Jennifer Grey did more for capri-type pants since laura petrie of the dick van dyke show, (not to mention what she did for daisy duke -type denim shorts)should I be worried 643478[/snapback] Nothing to worry about Vito. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HtownBillsFan Posted March 27, 2006 Share Posted March 27, 2006 Good one! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DevilsAlum Posted March 27, 2006 Share Posted March 27, 2006 you are faggadocious. 643466[/snapback] Is this what you call a gay chimney sweep? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IDBillzFan Posted March 27, 2006 Share Posted March 27, 2006 4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.643466[/snapback] Gay men are afraid of public restrooms? I suspect George Michael will take issue with this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beerball Posted March 27, 2006 Share Posted March 27, 2006 Gay men are afraid of public restrooms? I suspect George Michael will take issue with this. 643593[/snapback] He apparently has no problem stuffing one orifice or another, but actually using the facilities for their intended purpose? EWWWWWWWWWW! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Like A Mofo Posted March 27, 2006 Share Posted March 27, 2006 Gay men are afraid of public restrooms? I suspect George Michael will take issue with this. 643593[/snapback] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
todd Posted March 27, 2006 Share Posted March 27, 2006 8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vousle Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they Flame out too. 643466[/snapback] Would you consider Brokeback Mountain a romance? I really enjoyed that film. Does that mean I'm gay? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IDBillzFan Posted March 27, 2006 Share Posted March 27, 2006 Would you consider Brokeback Mountain a romance? I really enjoyed that film. Does that mean I'm gay? 643723[/snapback] No more than understanding "Jarhead" makes you a Marine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frogger Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 that doesn't seem fair, I have a wash board stomach, but it is due to the fact my job is very physical, and I watch what I eat beacuse of family history. And it depends what bathroom we are talking about, I challenge anyone to take a dump in a 7/11 bathroom off of any highly traveled road. My Cats name is Gator, after Burt Reynolds, is that gay? he attacks everything, including my dog. and what about splenda? I have so many question now, i better tell my wife Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IDBillzFan Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 My Cats name is Gator, after Burt Reynolds, is that gay?645075[/snapback] No. That doesn't make you gay. It makes you a redneck. How's that Trans Am working out for ya? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chilly Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man there, too. 643466[/snapback] I drink coke zero. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mile High Posted March 29, 2006 Author Share Posted March 29, 2006 I drink coke zero. 645144[/snapback] Well I guess we know what that means... Sorry man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chilly Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 Well I guess we know what that means... Sorry man. 645218[/snapback] nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nanker Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo 645222[/snapback] And the cold light of dawn shine on yet again another poor soul. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nick in* england Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 I drink coke zero. 645144[/snapback] you mean to say rooster zero surely? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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