nick in* england Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill. Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. Chuck Norris can divide by zero. When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya". Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having s3x with his waitress. According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn. Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never. Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food. if Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush Chuck Norris doesn’t eat. Rather he kicks ass until he’s full Thunder isnt the sound that comes after lightning, its the echo of someone being Round house kicked by Chuck Norris If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the !@#$ down. President Bush DID have a sure fire plan to end the war in Iraq, However Chuck Norris was busy that day. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made. Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one. Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CoachChuckDickerson Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas. I haven't seen that one yet. Good stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
duey Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 I swear I could read a Chuck Norris list every day and always laugh my ass off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corp000085 Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 I swear I could read a Chuck Norris list every day and always laugh my ass off. 601895[/snapback] I know... Really, there is little that is funny about statements such as "Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building." It's silly and stupid. However, it still is the funniest crap i've read multiple times! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tennesseeboy Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history. Hmmmm...."seed of Chucky" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chef Jim Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 But can he act??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
X. Benedict Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 But can he act??? 602104[/snapback] He doesn't need to. He keeps people too afraid to turn the channel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dean Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 But can he act??? 602104[/snapback] I believe this will answer your question: http://www.collegehumor.com/movies/1651965/ At least he's funnier than Conan O'Brien Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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