NavyBillsFan Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 Redneck Newlyweds A week after their marriage, the redneck newlyweds, Ed and Arlene, paid a visit to their doctor. "You ain't gonna believe this, Doc," said the husband. "My thingy's turnin' blue." "That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you." The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the redneck's "thingy" really was blue. The doctor turns to the wife, "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed for you?" "Yep, shore am," she replied brightly. "And what kind of jelly are you using with it?" "Grape." HER SIDE OF THE STORY My husband was in an odd mood Saturday night. We had planned to meet at a cafe for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything about it. I don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but I could tell there was something wrong. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off to someplace intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant, and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried. What did I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at me? I tried to cheer him up, but what was bothering him - was it me or something else? I finally asked him if he was upset with me, he said no. But I wasn't really sure. In the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the heck that meant because, you know, he didn't say it back or anything. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I wanted to confront him but didn't, so I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else. HIS SIDE OF THE STORY Played badly today --- shot 97 - - -can't putt for sh--! Felt kind of tired; got laid though. Test for Dementia" "It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test." Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert The saying; "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain, so... Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. So, take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still "with it." The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you have made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and... begin. WELL MAYBE NOT THAT CLEAR! 1. What do you put in a toaster? Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to Question 2. 2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink? Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as Children's World. If you said "water" then proceed to question 3. 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is m ade from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from? Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," what the devil are you still doing here reading these questions????? If you said "glass," then! go on to Question 4. 4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"? Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, "Don't bury the survivors", then proceed to the next question. 5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver? Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!
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