MelissaInPhilly Posted January 7, 2006 Posted January 7, 2006 Well, it finally happened -- my son and this big dumb blonde kid I'll call "John" were arrested for spraying graffiti on the back of a building (I refuse to call this vandalism "art.") We had a pre-hearing this week and the judge placed him on house arrest, meaning he can just come home and go to school (he can, of course, go out with me or his father). And of course, he can have no contact with "John." The first few days were fine but now my son is getting antsy -- it's hard to keep a 15 yr. old in the house and he wants to hang with his "boys." However, he acts up in school, or skips a class, or is disrespectful to me or his sister, he goes to the dreaded Youth Studies Center "aka Juvie," with all the felons and gangbangers. His hearing at family court is Feb. 22 and I don't think he will make it until then. "John's" mother continues to try to bail him out, but I am not one of those parents who makes excuses for their bad-a$$ kid -- if he has to go to juvie, he has to go, but it's not a nice place and I dont want to see it happen. So please, keep me in your prayers. Even though he has taken me through hell and back, I still love that kid. He doesn't have to be a heart surgeon or a rocket scientist, I just want him to straighten out and be a productive member of society. He's good with his hands and he likes cars -- maybe he could be an auto mechanic, they're always in demand. So far it's been the Winter of My Discontent. The Eagles sucked, the Bills were even lousier I'm tired and stressed, I have a be-atch of a supervisor, the list goes on and on. So perhaps someone should . . . JUST SHOOT ME!
RunTheBall Posted January 7, 2006 Posted January 7, 2006 Sorry to hear that. Stay the course, don't give in, and continue to offer good advice. Like a good coach, you can only put your kids in a position to succeed. RTB
Bflojohn Posted January 7, 2006 Posted January 7, 2006 If I could lend a few Pearls of wisdom.... Be consistent, don't waiver! Don't ever stop lecturing your youth, you might think that they're not listening but you'd be suprised! Change your vantage point, get more involved with him and drag significant others with you.... Uncles, Aunts, Dad, Sister, Brother and finally get him help, if needed. My suggestion is Church youth groups. They come to realize that they are NOT in this thing called life alone! ALL of our kids go through it, another teenager sometimes offers up a better perspective ( In regard to good kids- Church groups). Parenting is NOT easy, nor does it come with an instruction manual. Do your VERY best and go to sleep at night knowing that each day you tried your best. From my point of view, I will offer up a prayer, but you must do exactly that if you are a Christian woman. Pray for yourself and your beloved son, ALL things in Christ are possible. He loves you and your son!
stevestojan Posted January 7, 2006 Posted January 7, 2006 Take him to a shrink... seriously, have you thought about this? There's obviously an underlying cause. Anyway, good luck, and hate to ask a personal question (but you did post this on a public board..) but how much of a role does his dad play in his life? For me, when I was his age, it wasn't "going to juvie" i would have been afraid of, it was coming home to my dad if i even thought about doing what your son did. My dad never hit me, but just knowing he was there was deterent enough. Just curious, and good luck.
John from Riverside Posted January 7, 2006 Posted January 7, 2006 I have just one suggestion and I hope it is useful to you.... SPORTS I know that it is easier said then done......but keep your kids active so they dont have time to go get into trouble (a little bit is to be expected...because they are kids) For instance....my 13 year old right at this very moment wants to go hang at his friends house....and has openly told me that there are at least 3 girls coming over that are all goo goo over him (I know he is telling the truth...I have seen it) he wants to go hang all day and then go to the movies tonight..... I reminded him that: - I needed help with some work on the pool and around the yard today....also we still have to go to the gym and today is legs day....and any good fullback does not miss legs day at the gym..... - I will let him go to the movies tonight, but he has a cell phone and if he doesnt pick it up when I call he is in deep doo doo.....we have picture mail between us so sometimes I even make him take a picture of where he is at (I keep it all in fun of course) I will drop him off and pick him up from the movies.....I will ask him how he liked it and what the movie was about (all in fun of course) Monday - Thursday he has basketball practice after school I just try to keep him active....you know?
2003Contenders Posted January 7, 2006 Posted January 7, 2006 Sorry to hear about this, MIP. It is clear that you love your son and only want the best for him. If I am not prying too much, does he have any positive role models in his life? Sometimes young men this age-- and I know, because I went through a phase when I was his age when I thought I knew better than everyone else around me -- simply need a strong and forceful older male figure willing to give them some tough love. It's unfortunate that often times a mother -- no matter how forceful she may be -- is simply not "imposing" enough to put the fear of God into a young man that thinks he's a real tough guy. I look back and remember how disrespectful I was at times toward my own mother. For me... well, my father was a retired drill instructor for the USMC. He was ready, willing, and able to put his boot where it needed to be.
ASCI Posted January 7, 2006 Posted January 7, 2006 Do they have a scared straight program in your area
jester43 Posted January 7, 2006 Posted January 7, 2006 However, he acts up in school, or skips a class, or is disrespectful to me or his sister, he goes to the dreaded Youth Studies Center "aka Juvie," with all the felons and gangbangers. His hearing at family court is Feb. 22 and I don't think he will make it until then. "John's" mother continues to try to bail him out, but I am not one of those parents who makes excuses for their bad-a$$ kid -- if he has to go to juvie, he has to go, but it's not a nice place and I dont want to see it happen. JUST SHOOT ME! 558336[/snapback] this is not what you want to hear, but i am going to say it anyway...let him go to YSC if he earns it and show him no sympathy. i spent a night there when i was 17, and it straightened my ass out quick. besides, they keep the really dangerous kids on a separate floor...at that time it was the 5th. sometimes people have to learn the hard way what the word "consequences" means.
Bill from NYC Posted January 7, 2006 Posted January 7, 2006 Good luck Melissa. I think that with a loving parent like you he will come around.
BILLS4LIFE Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 Sorry to hear it Missy. I think you can turn him around...good luck!
mcjeff215 Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 Sorry to hear about this, MIP. It is clear that you love your son and only want the best for him. If I am not prying too much, does he have any positive role models in his life? Sometimes young men this age-- and I know, because I went through a phase when I was his age when I thought I knew better than everyone else around me -- simply need a strong and forceful older male figure willing to give them some tough love. It's unfortunate that often times a mother -- no matter how forceful she may be -- is simply not "imposing" enough to put the fear of God into a young man that thinks he's a real tough guy. I look back and remember how disrespectful I was at times toward my own mother. For me... well, my father was a retired drill instructor for the USMC. He was ready, willing, and able to put his boot where it needed to be. 558395[/snapback] I second this. I was exactly like your son (from what I gather) during my teens. Chased by cops, went to classes ~1/3 of the time. Come Sophmore and Junior year, I was drunk more than not. Smoking a pack and a half a day by 11th grade. When I tell you I was suspended for nearly 60 days throughout the year during my sophomore year, I'm not lying. Spent a day or two at that prison in Gowanda for the scared-straight program for prank calls. Not normal prank calls, mind you... call guy 1 tell him I slept with his wife. Call guy two, tell him I slept with his wife.... tell them to meet outside the stadium. Ride the bike up and watch the show. I even spent 8 weeks in NYS mandated AA/drug treatment. Around the end of my Junior year, I just realized I was being *stupid*. On my own, I went from being a waste to a straight 98/99 "A" student. Got accepted into a couple good schools. Never wound up going (going now), but I turned everything around because I was smart enough to realize I was being a total waste and would probably change oil at the local Walmart for a living. In retrospect? Parents parents parents. I'd come home at 3:00 AM in the middle of January and pass out on the kitchen floor while leaving the door wide open. As I'm sure you know, you don't leave the door open all night in Orchard Park during the winter. Father's reaction? "Wow, you must have been tired last night! You didn't even make it to the couch!" Mother's reaction? Usually nothing. Mother actually bought cigarettes for me once I hit 16 or so. I attribute all of that to two things (and I can see this in my "friends" at the time, too, now that I'm 10 years older) peer pressure and lack of parental involvement. I wanted to hang out with the "cool kids" so bad that I'd do just about anything to get their attention. If I wasn't accepted because of my clothes, car, and girlfriend - I'd be accepted because of my stupid disregard for authority. It worked. Well. The second reason? Lack of parental involvement. My parents were too busy drinking it up going to their OWN parties to realize what I was doing. Hell, I'd come home at 3:00 AM during an Orchard Park winter and pass out on the Kitchen floor while leaving the door wide open. Not a warm idea in January in Buffalo. Parental reaction? "Wow you must have been tired." So the whole thing really was classic. Not enough self-esteem to make my own choices (which came after I finally fit in and realized I didn't need to be stupid for attention) and lack of classic parental involvement. Now that I've told you my life story, make sure both of those are present, and I'd argue he'll be fine. I don't mean to criticize if that's what it sounds like I'm doing, I'm telling you what was wrong in MY case. Some positive *real* friends couldn't hurt either. In *my* opinion, Juvie isn't doing a thing for him if he's in the same position I was. The dude wants friends and wants to feel like he fits in. If Juvie gets him that attention and that "Whoa Johnny is cool because he went to JUVIE" reaction, he'll keep doing it because that's a positive reaction from his peers. Remember the toddler years? Ignore the temper tantrum. -Jeff If that fails, smack the piss outta him!
Campy Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 Oh no, he gets antsy because he can't "hang with his boys"? Oh, the terror... There's nothing going on with that little punk that a kick in the arse won't fix. If there's a father around, have him lay the wood to his backside. Literally. While not politically correct, fear is a very effective tool to modify inappropriate behavior in children. If that's too harsh sounding for you, buy him some soap on a rope. He'll need it in juvie.
Buffal0 Bill5 Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 Do they have a scared straight program in your area 558404[/snapback] He's not gay, he's painting buildings.
rockpile Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 I am far from wise but maybe: Let him know how much you love him, how you know he is really a good kid under the "bad boy" surface, and make sure he hears you tell him that the LAST place you want to see him is behind bars. BUT... if his 15 year old butt steps through the door in violation of court orders YOU will call the police to pick him up. He wants to be a man, he has to prove it to you first. He is acting like a child and everyone but HIM sees it. It does not help that "John's" mother has no spine. You and your son are in my prayers. I was a lot like your boy, so I am speaking without making judgements. P.S. where the hell is his father and what is HE doing about this? Well, it finally happened -- my son and this big dumb blonde kid I'll call "John" were arrested for spraying graffiti on the back of a building (I refuse to call this vandalism "art.") We had a pre-hearing this week and the judge placed him on house arrest, meaning he can just come home and go to school (he can, of course, go out with me or his father). And of course, he can have no contact with "John." The first few days were fine but now my son is getting antsy -- it's hard to keep a 15 yr. old in the house and he wants to hang with his "boys." However, he acts up in school, or skips a class, or is disrespectful to me or his sister, he goes to the dreaded Youth Studies Center "aka Juvie," with all the felons and gangbangers. His hearing at family court is Feb. 22 and I don't think he will make it until then. "John's" mother continues to try to bail him out, but I am not one of those parents who makes excuses for their bad-a$$ kid -- if he has to go to juvie, he has to go, but it's not a nice place and I dont want to see it happen. So please, keep me in your prayers. Even though he has taken me through hell and back, I still love that kid. He doesn't have to be a heart surgeon or a rocket scientist, I just want him to straighten out and be a productive member of society. He's good with his hands and he likes cars -- maybe he could be an auto mechanic, they're always in demand. So far it's been the Winter of My Discontent. The Eagles sucked, the Bills were even lousier I'm tired and stressed, I have a be-atch of a supervisor, the list goes on and on. So perhaps someone should . . . JUST SHOOT ME! 558336[/snapback]
aussiew Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 Take him to a shrink... seriously, have you thought about this? There's obviously an underlying cause. Anyway, good luck, and hate to ask a personal question (but you did post this on a public board..) but how much of a role does his dad play in his life? For me, when I was his age, it wasn't "going to juvie" i would have been afraid of, it was coming home to my dad if i even thought about doing what your son did. My dad never hit me, but just knowing he was there was deterent enough. Just curious, and good luck. Is his dad spending time with him? Activities together that are interesting and involve lots of two-way conversation?
Ramius Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 I'll get flamed for this, but here we go... try this... http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=beat sounds like the 2x4/PVC pipe is needed, or maybe the dragon kick...
The Dean Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 Sorry to hear that Melissa...but glad you are back. Hope you are doing well otherwise. House arrest sounds pretty harsh for graffitti (if it's a first offense). I'm sure you will do the right thing. (IMO, the right thing starts by ignoring most of these posters who do not know your son and have no real idea of what your situation really is.) But, you didn't ask for our advice...just our prayers. So, you have mine.
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