aussiew Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?" The doctor says, "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature, but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor. The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beerball Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor. 553065[/snapback] Poor thing never stood a chance. I hate it when people are unkind to animals. Poor little things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dean Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?" The doctor says, "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature, but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor. The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly" 553065[/snapback] Pretty good, Tex. Have you seen next year's Bills' schedule? 2006 BILLS SCHEDULE September 14................Taft Junior High School 21................Cub Scout Troop #101 28................Buffalo Blind Academy October 05................Spanish American War Vets 12................Crippled Children's Home 19................Hamburg Mental Hospital 26................Girl Scout Troop # 353 November 02.................Western New York Venereal Disease Clinic 09.................Cheektowaga Boys Choir 16.................Korean Amputees SPECIAL MONDAY NIGHT GAME December 08..................Batavia Gay Boys Club ** RULE CHANGES FROM LAST YEAR ** 1 - When playing polio patients, the Bills must not disconnect knee braces. 2 - When playing the Blind Academy, the Bills must not hide the football under their jerseys. ** RULES THE SAME FROM LAST YEAR ** 1 - A touchdown (this is when the ball is carried over the goal line for all you Bills fans that have never seen this) it is still worth 6 points. 2 - The Bills will be allowed 20 men on the field at all times. 3 - The Bills will be allowed to substitute with band members at anytime. 4 - The Bills will be awarded 10 timeouts as opposed to 3 for the opposing team. 5 - The Bills will be awarded a first down with each gain of three yards or more, instead of the usual ten yards. ** COACHING CHANGES ** Mike Malarkey will be replaced by Monica Lewinsky. She will no doubt blow a few, but she certainly won't choke on the big ones!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beerball Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 Pretty good, Tex. Have you seen next year's Bills' schedule? 2006 BILLS SCHEDULE September 14................Taft Junior High School 21................Cub Scout Troop #101 28................Buffalo Blind Academy October 05................Spanish American War Vets 12................Crippled Children's Home 19................Hamburg Mental Hospital 26................Girl Scout Troop # 353 November 02.................Western New York Venereal Disease Clinic 09.................Cheektowaga Boys Choir 16.................Korean Amputees SPECIAL MONDAY NIGHT GAME December 08..................Batavia Gay Boys Club ** RULE CHANGES FROM LAST YEAR ** 1 - When playing polio patients, the Bills must not disconnect knee braces. 2 - When playing the Blind Academy, the Bills must not hide the football under their jerseys. ** RULES THE SAME FROM LAST YEAR ** 1 - A touchdown (this is when the ball is carried over the goal line for all you Bills fans that have never seen this) it is still worth 6 points. 2 - The Bills will be allowed 20 men on the field at all times. 3 - The Bills will be allowed to substitute with band members at anytime. 4 - The Bills will be awarded 10 timeouts as opposed to 3 for the opposing team. 5 - The Bills will be awarded a first down with each gain of three yards or more, instead of the usual ten yards. ** COACHING CHANGES ** Mike Malarkey will be replaced by Monica Lewinsky. She will no doubt blow a few, but she certainly won't choke on the big ones!!! 553128[/snapback] Good thing they aren't playing the leper colony again. Those guys will give their right arm for a win, talk about tough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussiew Posted January 4, 2006 Author Share Posted January 4, 2006 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dean Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 Good thing they aren't playing the leper colony again. Those guys will give their right arm for a win, talk about tough. 553143[/snapback] Remember, no clapping at the game against the Western New York Venereal Disease Clinic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Puhonix Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 oh boy, when you all get started, its all down hill. I love it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KD in CA Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 SPECIAL MONDAY NIGHT GAMEDecember 08..................Batavia Gay Boys Club The Bills will get B word slapped on Monday Night. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stuckincincy Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 Poor thing never stood a chance. I hate it when people are unkind to animals. Poor little things. 553102[/snapback] A Beaver Tale... (long): "This was an actual letter from and reply to the Michigan Department of Enviromental Quality, State of Michigan Reply To: Grand Rapids District Office State Office Building 6th Floor 350 Ottawa NW Grand Rapids MI 49503-2341 John Engler, Governor, Department Of Environmental Quality Hollister Building, PO Box 30473, Lansing. Mi 48909-7973 Russell J. Harding, Director December 17, 1997 CERTIFIED To: Mr. Ryan DeVries 2088 Dagget Pierson, MI 49339 Dear Mr. DeVries: SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023-1 T11N, R10W, Sec. 20, Montcalm County. It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated. The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the strewn channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 1998. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions. Sincerely, David L. Price, District Representative Land and Water Management Division ----Reply Letter--- Dear Mr. Price: Re: EQ File __No. 97_-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec 20; Montcalm County. Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to. You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people, but you neglected to include their addresses. You will, therefore, have to send them a copy of my response. First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan - I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, nor authorize their dam project, I think they would be highly offended you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris." I would like to challenge you to attempt to emulate their dam project any dam time and/or any dam place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no dam way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic. As to your dam request the beavers first must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity, my first dam question to you is: are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or do you require all dam beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, please send me completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated. My first concern is - aren't the dam beavers entitled to dam legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said dam representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing dam flooding is proof we should leave the dam Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names. If you want the dam stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - contact the dam beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any dam attention to your dam letter-being unable to read English) - be sure you read them their dam Miranda rights first. As for me, I am not going to cause more dam flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders. If you want to hurt these dam beavers - be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If your dam Department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in this dam State - I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy - or once again both I and the Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice! In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to their dam unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green, water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I to live in Spring Pond. So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, dam it up. And why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no dam way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them. In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem; bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the dam beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!). Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office. Sincerely, Stephen L. Tvedten xc: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Poojer Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 oh you said humor, I thought you said humm.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beerball Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 oh you said humor, I thought you said humm.... 553541[/snapback] A man walks into a bar and sees an overweight, disgustingly ugly man with an amazingly beautiful woman. Man walks up to the bartender and says "Wow, how did that guy pull that chick?"... Bartender replies "Beats the hell out of me but he’s here with her every morning.... why don’t you ask him?" So the man gets up the nerve to approach the fat man and says "Excuse me but... I have to ask.... how in the world did you get such a sexy woman?" The fat man replies "Well she’s a prostitute." The man is stunned. "Well how did you meet her?" The fat man replies... "Well she’s here every morning at 9am sharp... be here and you’ll get your chance."... So the next day the man comes in and sees the woman at the bar, sitting. He sits down beside her and says "I’m sorry but I have to ask.... are you a prostitute?" The woman replies "Its ok and yes... I am." "Wow.... how much for a handjob then?" The woman replies "$800." "$800??!! Good God lady, don’t you think thats a bit too much, sh--!" The woman says "Come to the window I want to show you something" She takes him to the window and points to a red Ferrari outside. "You see that Ferrari?" "Yeah... what about it?" "I paid for it by giving handjobs." "WOW!!! That must be one hell of a handjob." So he pays her the money and gets the best hangjob ever.... his legs shake and lips quiver. Next day the man comes back and askes "How much for a hummer?" "$900" "Holy sh--, thats alot of money" "Let me show you something" she says. She takes him back to the window and points to 2 skyscrapers in the city. "You see those skyscrapers?" "Yeah.." "I paid for those giving hummers." "WOW!!! Thats one helluva hummer!!!" So he pays her the money and gets the best hummer he has ever had..... his eyes roll back in his head and his feet tremble. The next day the man gets up and empties out his entire bank acct. He goes to the bar, sees the woman and says "I’ve got the best handjob and hummer I have ever had in my life and it was from you.... I’ve GOT to know how good that kitty is.... how much? Name your price. I’ll pay anything!!!!" The woman says "Come here, let me show you something" She takes him back to the window and points to an island resort with hotels and communities. "You see that island over... with the lavish hotels and prominent communities?" He said "Yeah." She says "If I had a kitty I could buy that too." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stuckincincy Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 Good thing they aren't playing the leper colony again. Those guys will give their right arm for a win, talk about tough. 553143[/snapback] Q: What did the leper say to the prostitute? A: "Keep the tip"! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beerball Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 Q: What did the leper say to the prostitute? A: "Keep the tip"! 554872[/snapback] A guy with leprosy wins tickets to see the world series. But when he gets there, he has trouble finding a seat because pieces of him are peeling and flaking off, and he's very concerned about grossing out the other fans. The leper wanders through the bleachers looking for a seat where his grotesque appearance won't disturb anyone else. Finally he finds an open seat where he might be able to watch the game. He asks the man in the adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there. The man answers, "Yeah. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game." The leper sits down and adds, "As you can see, I have leprosy. If it disturbs you, I will move." "It doesn't bother me. Just shut up, and watch the game." A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly vomits. Frothy beer, hot dogs, and peanuts are splattered everywhere. Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I will find another place to sit." "It's NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game." So the leper sits back down. But during the sixth inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is projectile vomitus. A powerful blast of beer and pretzels shoots out from the man's mouth and nose until his stomach is completely emptied. Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I will find another place to sit." "Really, it's NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game." So the leper sits back down. But during the seventh inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is the dry heaves. The leper feels absolutely awful at the sight of this man suffering. And once again, the leper offers to leave. But the man insists, "Really, it's NOT you." So the leper asks, "Well if it's not me that is making you so sick, then what is?" "It's that guy behind you. He keeps dipping his nachos in your back." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stuckincincy Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 "It's that guy behind you. He keeps dipping his nachos in your back." 555076[/snapback] Such imagery... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
/dev/null Posted January 6, 2006 Share Posted January 6, 2006 26................Girl Scout Troop # 353553128[/snapback] too bad we traded Travis Henry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Assquatch Posted January 6, 2006 Share Posted January 6, 2006 The whistle blew at the leper hockey game for the face-off at the blueline. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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