More Chuck Norris stuff

[Stl Bills]

Not as good as the other ones but some are still pretty funny:

 

Chuck Norris was the 1987 USWF Weight Lifting Champion. This is considered very impressive considering Norris didn't even enter the tournament, but won anyway because he's f*cking awesome. Chuck Norris does not have to mow his lawn. He simply stares at the grass and dares it to grow.

 

Chuck Norris will only have sex to the song "All Nite Long" by Lionel Richie.

 

Chuck Norris does not wear clothes. Clothes wear Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris could find out Pi in its entirety, but he doesn't believe in math.

America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

 

Chuck Norris could find out what comes after infinity, if he believed in math.

Chuck Norris knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop

 

Chuck Norris killed Tupac and Biggie Smalls, because he hates rap, and only listens to rock, and country music.

 

Chuck Norris built StoneHenge when he roundhouse kicked a rocky mountain in the face.

Chuck Norris was originally cast as King Kong's stunt double from the new movie of the same name, but the roll was recast because the director couldn't get Chuck to drag the fight scene between Kong and the T-Rex's out for more then 13 seconds. Also, he got all the female cast members pregnant.

 

People dont have faces, they have Chuck Norris roundhouse kick receptors. Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.

 

There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Chuck is going to walk.

 

 

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[Stl Bills]

Even though Chuck Norris only has sex with hot chicks, he imagines he's having sex with himself so he can get aroused. Chuck only f*cks Chuck.

 

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris is illegal in 48 countries. Chuck Norris was every single guy in the Annabel Chong 251-man gang bang. A simple whiff of the Chuck causes women to orgasm.

 

 

Chuck Norris invented sex and then perfected it. Chuck Norris has boned every hot chick in the history of the world.

 

Norris carried Moses on his back through the desert for 40 years.

A vial of Norris semen goes for billions.

 

Chuck Norris cured Polio and Small Pox. He'd work on a cure for Cancer and AIDS, but he's busy being manly.

 

The Universe and Everything was created to accommodate Chuck Norris. He is the reason we are here. If you say Chuck Norris' name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.

 

Chuck Norris played football but he was so good they made rule #492 just for him: 'No Chuck Norris'.

 

The ocean is just Chuck Norris' sweat. That's how hard he works out.

 

Chuck Norris has rattle snakes bite him just to laugh at them. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

 

Chuck Norris' penis tastes better than anything you have ever tried. Unfortunately, if you ever tasted it you would die. This has been attempted once and is more commonly known as the war of 1812.

 

If you ever see a Chuck Norris in the woods, DO NOT MOVE! It's not that he can't see you, it's that there's no point in running.

 

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

 

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter

[The Tomcat]

Your right...these are not as funny!

 

[The Poojer]

Didn't SNL do something like this with the Bill Bratski(?) character, Will Ferrell, Tim Meadows etc sitting around claiming that that old son of a B word Bill Bratski did this that and the other thing, and he was like 8 feet tall. That was funny stuff

 

Your right...these are not as funny!

 

 

539897[/snapback]

[The Poojer]

"Did you know Bill Brasky is the godfather of my son? He shows up at the church in his golf pants, caked in mud. Well, ol' Bill Brasky pushes the priest aside and says, 'I'll baptize that piece of calamari!' Then he pours Scotch all over my baby son and says, 'There! You're baptized!'"

"Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky sold me into slavery? He puts me on a ship to Thailand, right? And I'm chained to a pipe. Meanwhile, ol' Brasky, he's back in the States siring three beautiful children with my wife!"

"Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky showed up at my daughter's wedding? You know my daughter, she's a beautiful girl. Well, Brasky shows up and you know he's a big fella. Well, he's standing right between me and my daughter at the ceremony. He's got no right to be there, but he's drunk and he's Brasky! Well, long story short: the priest accidentally marries me and Brasky! We spend the weekend in the Poconos — he loved me like I've never been loved before!"

"You know how Brasky served three tours in 'Nam? Well, I'm in Corpus Christi on business a month ago, and I had this eight-foot tall Asian waiter which made me a little curious, so I asked him his name, and sure enough it's Ho Tran Brasky!"

"I went camping with Brasky, his wife, and his daughter Debbie! Debbie Brasky. She's 7-years-old, goes about 3'5", 55 pounds. So, I'm in the back of a pickup with Bill Brasky and a live deer! Well, Brasky, he grabs the deer by the antlers, looks at it and says, "I'm Bill Brasky! Say it!" Then he squeezes the deer in such a way that a sound comes out of its mouth - "Billbrasky!" It wasn't exactly it, but it was pretty good for a deer!"

"I once saw him eat a whole live chicken."

"His favorite movie is One on One with Robby Benson."

"Bill Brasky once gave me a videotape of him having sex with my wife, and it was the most beautiful damn thing I ever saw!"

"To Bill Brasky! A ten-foot-tall, two-ton son of a B word who could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing!"

"Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky forced me to wear a woman's bikini around the office? Brasky tears off my clothes and makes me wear this skimpy bikini. For the next three months I had to conduct my business wearing a woman's bathing suit. I would cry from shame and question my manhood daily. But at the end of the quarter, I'll be damned if my sales hadn't tripled."

"He'll eat a homeless person if you dare him."

"One time I asked Brasky to dress up like Santa for a Christmas party I was throwing for my children. Yeah, that's them, that's them. Well Brasky shows up as Santa, reaches into his bag and says, 'I've got goodies for you kids.' He proceeds to hand out scrap metal and cigarettes to them. Then he takes off his beard and says 'There is no Santa 'cause I ate him.'"

"He sheds his skin once a year."

"I once saw him scissor kick Angela Lansbury."

"Did I ever tell you about the time I went horseback riding with Brasky, but there weren't any horses around? Well, Brasky throws a saddle on my back and rides me around Wyoming for three days. Well wouldn't you know it my stamina increases with each day and I develop tremendous leg muscles. So anyway, Brasky decides to enter me in the Breeders Cup, right? Under the name Turkish Delight. And I'm running in second place, and I'm running and I break my ankle! They’re about to shoot me. Then someone from the crowd yells out, 'God bless him, don't shoot him — he's a human.'"

"You know he jumped off the Empire State Building this one time and he only sprained his ankle."

"Like an alligator, he can fully digest a turtle shell."

"His favorite TV movie is The Boy in the Plastic Bubble starring John Travolta."

"He had a four day heart attack! ...Yeah, a day for every chamber! ...When they did the autopsy, they said his heart was like a basketball filled with ricotta cheese! ...They found sixty dollars in change in his stomach!

"I remember one time Brasky took his family to Sea World... they were watching Shamu the whale when Brasky got splashed! So Brasky yells, 'I'm Bill Brasky and no one gets me wet!' So he climbs into the tank, grabs Shamu and throws the whale into the audience, splashes him and yells, 'How do you like it?!' And then damn if Brasky didn't step in there and finish the show!"

"You know, he would shoot whiskey into his neck with a syringe."

"He did all the make-up on the Planet of the Apes movies."

"He taught me how to love a woman - and how to scold a child."

"He had dandruff the size of mice!"

"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off lookin' for a bar and we can't find one. Finally, Brasky takes me into a vacant lot and says, Here we are!' Well, we sat there for a year and a half. Sure enough, someone constructed a bar around us! Well, the day they opened it, we ordered a shot, drank it and then burnt the place to the ground. Brasky yelled over the roar of the flames, 'Always leave things the way you found them!'"

"He once punched a hole in a cow just so he could see who was comin' up the road."

"He had nine children, all of 'em boys!"

"He sired a baseball team... An orchestra, if you count the bastards!"

"Did I ever tell you about the time I had breakfast with Brasky? Brasky drank a full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs. Then he slept for eight months straight. When he woke up, he rubbed his eyes and said, 'All in all, I prefer gin!'"

"They say Gene Roddenberry got the idea for Star Trek from Brasky talkin' in his sleep!"

"He once breast-fed an injured flamingo back to health."

"He used to jog around the block with a fridge on his back!"

"His poop is considered currency in Argentina!"

"He loved extension cords!"

"He hated Mexicans! ...And he was half Mexican! ...And he hated irony!"

"He grew a third arm and kept it in a vault!"

"He slept eight hours a night! Well, he was pretty normal when it came to that."

"So anyways, Brasky would put on a white tie and tails and walk his pet cobra through the park on a leash. He named the cobra 'Beverly'. And he taught it how to fetch and dial a phone. But then one day, it bit the maid. So with tears in his eyes, Brasky had to shoot the maid."

"Brasky would use his own thigh as an anvil!!"

"It was the sight of Brasky’s naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane!“

"He showers in grain alcohol!"

"He uses the Shroud of Turin as a golf towel!"

"He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident!"

"He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls!"

"He makes every woman that sleeps with him refer to him as 'Bear Bryant'!"

"He once ate the Bible while water-skiing!"

"He once had sex with a cigarette machine!"

"Every kid on this field was fathered by Bill Brasky! Every one of 'em!"

"He's a 10-foot-tall beast man, who showers in Vodka, and feeds his baby Shrimp Scampi."

"He orchestrated the merger between UNICEF and Smith & Wesson."

"Brasky went public with his own buttocks and made $7 million."

"Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky went hunting? Brasky decides he's going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits! He stomps and chews every one of them with a machete. They all begged for their lives, except Fleagle!"

"We once had a bachelor party for Brasky. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it."

"Brasky once hosted the Grammy's, and gave every award to Corey Hart!"

"He has a toenail on the end of his penis!"

"Brasky got his wife pregnant and she gave birth to a delicious 16 oz. steak... The afterbirth was sauteed mushrooms!"

"Brasky's family crest is a picture of a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong!"

"Brasky ranked 18th in the AP College Football Poll."

"Did I ever tell about the time Brasky was in a production of The King and I? On opening night, Brasky chloroformed the entire cast and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours! The production got pretty good reviews."

"He breast-feeds John Madden!"

"Brasky named the group Sha-Na-Na! They did not want to be called that."

"If you drop a phonograph needle on Brasky's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' Pet Sounds."

"They use Brasky's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee Stadium!"

"Brasky directed that commercial where the women play basketball in heels!"

"He wears a live rattlesnake as a condom!"

"All the Yes album covers are Brasky family photos."

"Darryl Hawkins has a summer home in Brasky's groin!"

"Brasky taught his son to drive by entering him into the Indy 500. The kid wrecked, and died. Brasky said, 'It would have happened sometime!'"

"Brasky's semen can form into a liquid human! ...Like the guys in Terminator 2!"

"Brasky still believes in Santa Claus! And he wants to put him in porno films."

"He thinks Iron Man is gay!"

"He framed Roger Rabbit!"

"Brasky used to ride upon a steed, perchance to spy a lady."

"The character Johnny Appleseed was based on Brasky, except for the part about planting appleseeds and not raping men!"

"He gave a hand job to a manta ray!"

"I masturbate to the Teletubbies!"