Tux of Borg Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 New Rules New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years - you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you from a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain, trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive. New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the !@#$. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge !@#$. New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine! New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show." New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two packs. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the theater a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. This one is a real stretch. The preponderant number I have seen the last several years should never have been made into a movie or TV series. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting. New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. New Rule: When you move to the United States - You must learn to speak English or just never talk again... which ever is easier. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beerball Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 New Rules New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. 509945[/snapback] Seriously, what's the difference. It's not like you're talking legs, boobs, or buttcheeks. These are a few of my favorite things.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nick in* england Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 New Rules New Rule: When you move to the United States - You must learn to speak English or just never talk again... which ever is easier. 509945[/snapback] Oh dear - an entire continent just fell silent... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussiew Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 Oh dear - an entire continent just fell silent... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Taro T Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 New Rules New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. 509945[/snapback] I don't know why, but that one cracked me up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KD in CA Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the theater a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drnykterstein Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 two comments... New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!Amen to that, I'm done with this whole scanning my own credit card thing, never again. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the theater a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.I'm not sure who wrote this wrote, but I would like to remind its creator that nobody forced him to go to the movie in the first place. I'm really not fond of people who insist on seeing crappy movies and then complaining about them. The guy surely knew it was a movie based on an old tv show before he went to it. He really has no right to complain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smokinandjokin Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 I'm assuming these are from Bill Maher? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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