Kelly the Dog Posted October 23, 2005 Share Posted October 23, 2005 It may sound crazy, but remarkably, it's true. HELL—A report released Monday by the Afterlife Civil Liberties Union indicates that nine out of 10 souls currently serving in Hell were condemned on drug-related sins.Enlarge ImageReport: 92 Percent Of Souls In Hell There On Drug Charges "Hell was created to keep dangerous sinners off the gold-paved streets of Heaven," ACLU spokesman Barry Horowitz said. "But lately, it's become a clearing-house for the non-evil souls that Heaven doesn't know how to deal with." The disproportionate number of drug offenders in Hell is a result of God's "get tough" drug policy of the 80s A.D., imposed after Roman emperor Domitian Flavius introduced opium to his people. God's detractors say His reactionary "one sin and you're out" rule places too harsh a penalty on venial drug users. According to God's law, souls who possess four ounces of illegal drugs at any point during their mortal lives face a mandatory minimum sentence of eternity. http://www.theonion.com/content/node/41447 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GG Posted October 23, 2005 Share Posted October 23, 2005 Are Jews exempt? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KD in CA Posted October 23, 2005 Share Posted October 23, 2005 Are Jews exempt? 482893[/snapback] No, I'm afraid it's just the Mooor-mons. Yes, the Moooor-mons were the correct answer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete Posted October 23, 2005 Share Posted October 23, 2005 I love the Onion! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OGTEleven Posted October 24, 2005 Share Posted October 24, 2005 As usual the ACLU has it backwards. 100% of the convictions were for being fish fans, which is the only thing that can possibly get you into hell. It just so hapeens that 92% of fish fans do drugs. If the ACLU told the full story, there would be no sympathy from the general public. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VABills Posted October 24, 2005 Share Posted October 24, 2005 Only the chosen Jews which will be determined during the last 7 years, and it is only something like 244,000 that get the free ride. The rest are screwed. I don't have to worry, about this sin anyways. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
/dev/null Posted October 24, 2005 Share Posted October 24, 2005 Are Jews exempt? 482893[/snapback] only if they still have their joo gold Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KD in CA Posted October 24, 2005 Share Posted October 24, 2005 only if they still have their joo gold 485328[/snapback] And not the fake joo gold either! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crap Throwing Monkey Posted October 24, 2005 Share Posted October 24, 2005 Only the chosen Jews which will be determined during the last 7 years, and it is only something like 244,000 that get the free ride. The rest are screwed. I don't have to worry, about this sin anyways. 485210[/snapback] 144,000. 12k from each of the 12 tribes. Of course, in VABills math, they're both equal to a million anyway... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VABills Posted October 25, 2005 Share Posted October 25, 2005 144,000. 12k from each of the 12 tribes. Of course, in VABills math, they're both equal to a million anyway... 485444[/snapback] Damn you're right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OGTEleven Posted October 25, 2005 Share Posted October 25, 2005 144,000. 12k from each of the 12 tribes. Of course, in VABills math, they're both equal to a million anyway... 485444[/snapback] The twelve tribes: 1. Cleveland Indians (Are only players eligible or do fans and management have a shot?). 2-12. Help me out here. I'm forgetting the rest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VABills Posted October 25, 2005 Share Posted October 25, 2005 The twelve tribes: 1. Cleveland Indians (Are only players eligible or do fans and management have a shot?). 2-12. Help me out here. I'm forgetting the rest. 485823[/snapback] Atlanta, Kansas City, FSU, Newtown Lacrosse, etc..... But only the Jews on those teams need apply. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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