OT - Some Wednesday humor

[aussiew]

BAPTIST AND MARINE

 

A Baptist minister was seated next to a Marine on a flight to Memphis.

 

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

 

The Marine asked for a scotch and soda, which was brought and

placed before him.

 

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

 

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen

whores than let liquor touch my lips."

 

The Marine then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,

 

"Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

[JoeF]

 

We should make this a joke thread....here's one e-mailed to me a couple of weeks ago...

 

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... My wife came home with no panties!!" "That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said..... 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'

[Britbillsfan]

 

Jesus comes to a village and confronts a crowd about to stone to death a young woman for suspected adultery.

 

In an attempt to save the woman and prevent a horrific act he steps up and says "Let he without sin cast the first stone"

 

At which point a little old lady at the back hurls a rock, hitting the poor victim, leading to a fusilade of missiles.

 

Jesus then confronts the old lady:

 

"Sometimes you really p%$$ me off, mother!"

[Taro T]

There's 2 guys drinking at a bar near the top of the Empire State Building on a hot summer day, so the windows are open and there's a pretty good breeze blowing through.

 

The 1st guy says to the 2nd one, the breeze, because they are so high up, is strong enough to keep an object from falling if it's tossed out the window. His friend, incredulous says - "no way".

 

1st guy says, not only is it strong enough to keep a coin or something small like that from falling, but that it can keep a person from falling.

 

"Bulls**t" says the 2nd guy.

 

1st guy says: "I'll bet you 50 bucks that if I jump off that window ledge, the breeze will blow me right back into the window."

 

2nd guy: "You'll kill yourself!"

 

1st guy: "No, I won't; you cheap prick."

 

2nd guy: "OK, you're on."

 

1st guy goes to the window, climbs gingerly onto the ledge, and then says "Geronimoooo" and jumps.

 

He starts going down, but after about 2 floors down, his fall slows; and after about 5, he actually starts going back up!

 

He lands safely on the ledge, climbs back in, asks the bartender for another drink and gets his money from the 2nd guy.

 

2nd guy says: "That's cool! I'm gonna try it."

 

He goes out onto the ledge, shouts "Geronimoooo", and jumps.

 

He falls past the 1st 2 floors, doesn't slow down, and keeps going.

 

1st guy walks back to bar and picks up his drink.

 

Bartender says to him. "Damn, you're a mean drunk, Superman."

 

 

 

 

Sorry,

Dave.

[UConn James]

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

 

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. A few minutes before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, but the Devil is too shocked to do anything while Jesus calmly taps a few keys before God announces that the contest is over.

 

He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."

 

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

 

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.

 

He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"

 

God smiles all-knowingly and says, "Jesus saves."

[Kevbeau]

An English Gentleman and an American Cowboy are standing side by side at the urinals in an exclusive 5 star restaurant. The Englishman finishes first and goes to the sink to wash his hands. To his horror, the American walks out the door without so much as wetting his hands. Outrage overcomes the Englishman and he hurries to catch up with the American to give him a piece of his mind.

 

Englishman: "Excuse me sir, but we Englishmen always practice proper hygiene and wouldn't dream of leaving the loo without washing our hands!"

 

The American thinks for a second and answers:

"Well.... we Americans don't piss on our hands."

[BRH]

So this guy with one leg goes into a Waffle House looking for a job. The manager says "We don't have anything for you, but there's an IHOP down the street."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sorry.

[jarthur31]

Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution

 

 

A man is driving down a lonely road in northern Nevada when he passes a sign:

 

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES

 

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination - and drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says...

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES

 

Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third...

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT

 

His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads...

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - WELCOME

 

He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks..."What may we do for you my son? "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers.

 

"Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun. He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please, knock on this door" and leaves. The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

 

He places the money in this nun's tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

 

"Go in Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."

[Surfmeister]

A skeleton walks into a bar and says “Bartender, I’d like a beer and a mop.”

 

A snail walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says they don’t serve snails and throws him out. Two weeks later the snail comes back into the bar and says “Hey, why’d you do that?”

 

A dyslexic walks into a bra...

 

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up

leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around

her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy

bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor,

medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf

along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a

collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he

decides not to mention this to her. After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

 

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

 

A baby harp seal walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What will you have, baby harp seal?" and the baby harp seal says, "Anything but Canadian Club on the rocks."

 

A ham sandwich walks into a bar, orders a drink and the bartender

says, "No, we don't serve food here."

 

A termite walks into a bar and says to the manager

"Is the bar tender here ?"

 

A giraffe walks into a bar. The bartender says, go outside, the

drinks are on the house.

 

Two giraffes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "What'll you have?"

and they reply, "Give us two tall ones."

 

A gay guy walks into the bar. the bartender asks, "what'll you have?"

and the gay guy says..."Please, could you push in my stool?"

 

A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

The horse replies, "Genetics."

 

A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. Bartender says: "What can I do for you"? Duck says: "You can get this guy off my ass".

 

A duck walks into a pharmacy and asks for a roll of chap stick. The clerk

says "Will that be cash or charge?", and the duck says, "put it on my

bill."

 

Man walks into a bar and orders two drinks. He sips the first one and pours the

second on his hand. The bartender seeing this, gets curious and asks him "Hey

buddy, why did your pour that drink all over your hand?" The man replies. "Just

trying to get my date drunk."

 

A green snake and a pink elephant walk into a bar one day. The Bartender

says 'You're both early, he's not here yet.'

 

A dog walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, it's my birthday! Do I get a

free drink?" Bartender says, "Sure! The toilets down the hall."

 

A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What’s this? Some kind of a joke?"

 

A widow walks into a bar in Miami and sits next to a guy. She says,

"You're new here. Where are you from ?" He says, "I just got out of

Okkeefenokkee Correctional Facility for murdering my wife with a hack saw

and stuffing her into a suitcase." She says, "Oh, so you're single."

 

A Rhino walks into a bar.``A cocktail bartender``.

The bartender replies`` Drinks are free``.

Rhino:Why?

Bartender: We don’t charge Rhinos`` .

 

Four young nuns walk into confession together. The priest says "o.k. girls,

what happened now?" The first girl steps up and says "well, we were walking through the park,

and this guy wearing a trench coat jumps out from behind a tree, opens his

coat, and he is totally naked".

The priest says "o.k., what happened then?"

"Well, I've never seen a naked man, so I looked at him, I mean, I LOOKED at

that man".

"Oh, dear God" says the priest. "Say three hail Mary's, and wash your eyes

in that bowl of Holy Water"

The second girl steps up.

"O.k., what happened?"

"Well, I've never touched a man before, so I touched him, I mean, I TOUCHED

that man"

"Oh this is horrible" says the priest. "Say ten Hail Mary's and wash your

hands in that bowl of Holy Water"

All of the sudden, the fourth girl jumps in front of the third one and says

"hey, I want to gargle before sister Suzy washes her butt!"

 

An Irish guy starts going into a New York bar and orders 4 shots all at the

same time. He drinks all 4 then leaves. This goes on for several weeks and

finally the bartender says, "Say buddy, what's with ordering 4 drinks all at

the same time?" The Irishman says, "Well, when I left home I promised my 3 three brothers that I'd have drink for each of them every day." Several months goes by and one day the Irishman comes in and orders 3 drinks instead of his usual 4. The bartender says, "My deepest condolences, friend, I assume one of your brothers has passed on." The Irishman looks up and says, "Thank you, but no, I've not lost a brother. It's just that the doctor has insisted that I quit drinking........"

 

A bear walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Can I have

a.......................................................................pint

of lager?"

"Yeah sure", the barman says, "But why the big pause?" (paws)

 

Then there's the one about the man and his dwarf stallion who goes into the bar. The man orders a beer and the dwarf stallion whispers something to the barman. "Did he order something?" the barman asked. "Yep," said the man. "Listen closely." Again the dwarf stallion whispers something. "I can't hear what he's saying." says the barman. "Yeah, I know." says the man. "He's a little horse."

 

A giraffe, a doe and a skunk were having

cocktails in a bar. The waiter brought them their bill.

The skunk said, "Gee, I'm afraid I only have one scent."

The doe then stated, "uh . . I had a buck on me an hour ago, but not now." Then

the giraffe said, "Well it looks like the highballs are on me."

 

So this empty beer bottle walks into a bar, and the bartender

says, "Hey, weren't you drunk in here last night?"

 

So this cow walks into a bar, and says, "Hay, Bartender!"

 

A ghost walks into a bar, "Sorry," says the bartender ,"we don't serve

spirits here."

 

A man walks into a bar only to see a sign "Free Beer -- Certain

Restrictions Apply". The guy says to the barkeep, "What kind of

restrictions apply?"

Barkeep: Well, you've got to do three things, then the rest of

the evening's beer's on the house.

Guy: Sounds good to me, what do I have to do?

BK: Well, first you have to drink a whole bottle of pepper tequila

in one chug. Then, there's an alligator out back with a terrible

toothache and you have to pull out the tooth with your bare hand.

Finally, there's a woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm, and

you have to make her happy.

Guy: You're f*cking nuts. I'll buy my drinks, thank you.

Well, time passes, and the guy's had a few too many and says...

Guy: Awright, ware's dat tikeela?

BK: You're gonna do it?

Guy: Damn right, I'm gonna do it.

The barkeep hands the guy a fifth, and the guy just slams it down.

He stumbles out back to the alligator. There's terrible noises

thumping, screams and growns, and finally, the guy staggers back

into the bar with his shirt ripped and bloody and terrible gashes

across his face and torso, and sez: Awright, where's the broad with the toothache?

 

A man walks into a bar carrying jumper cables. The bartender says, "HEY, don't you try to start anything in here."

 

Vlad the Impaler’s favorite joke was, > > This bar goes into this guy........

 

A guy walks in a bar and sees a woman and two men at her table.

He shoots men and asks: "Why is the lady alone?"

 

Two nuns in the bath and one says to the other "Where's the soap ?"

to which the other replies "Yes, it does, doesn't it ?"

 

Q: Why did the architect have his house made backwards ?

A: So he could watch TV at the same time.

[Beerball]

Nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

 

"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

 

"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."

 

"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

 

The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."

 

"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

 

Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.

 

"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.

 

"Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her butt in it!"

[BB27]

A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 beers at one time. The bartender lines up 12 beers on the bar. The guy proceeds to down one after the other as if they were shots. After he drinks the 9th beer the bartender says, "whoa, slow down a bit, whats with the heavy drinking." The guy tells him, "I just got my first bl0w j0b." The bartender says, "hey thats great," pours another beer, "have another one on the house."

 

The guys says, " Hell no, if I can't get this taste out of my mouth with 12 of these, I'm done."

[bartshan-83]

A grandpa and grandson were on grandpa's boat fishing one day. The grandpa takes out a cigarette and lights up.

 

"Grandpa, asks the little boy, can I have some of your cigarette?" The Grandfather asks him,"can you touch your @sshole with your penis?" "No," answers the boy. Well then, says Grandpa, you are not old enough.

 

A short time later the grandfather takes a beer out of his cooler.

 

"Grandpa, asks the little boy, can i have some of your beer?" Again the grandpa asks, "Can you touch your @sshole with your penis?" "No," replies the little boy. "Well, says grandpa, then you are not old enough."

 

Two hours later, the little boy is hungry and takes out a bag of cookies from his lunchbox.

 

The grandpa looks at the cookies and says,"boy, those cookies look and smell so good, can grandpa have some?" The little boy asks, Grandpa, can you touch your @sshole with your penis?" "Why I most certainly can!" boasts the grandpa.

 

The little boy replies "Well..then go !@#$ yourself, these are MY cookies!"