MelissaInPhilly Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 Please remember me in your prayers. My aunt has bone cancer. I haven't seen her in awhile so we're not really close but she has always been nice to me and my kids. Unfortunately, it has spread through her body and the prognosis is not good (she had to have a blood transfusion -- I thought they only did that with bone cancer)? Also, I mentioned I am having trouble with my 14 year old. He is hanging around some nasty kids -- rude, disrespectful, smoking, etc. My son is no angel, of course, but they feed off each other's negative behavior. Awhile ago, for example, he told me he was building a fort in the wooded area behind our house. I thought it was good that they were doing something constructive, but as it turned out, they were stealing lumber from Home Depot (he claims he was only along for the ride, but you know how that goes). My husband and I wanted them to press charges, but they just made them reimburse them for the lumber. His behavior is bound to escalate and soon I won't be able to take it, and he will have to go to a RTF (residential treatment facility). He doesn't appreciate the fact that he has a nice home and two parents and a sister who care about him (even though my husbband and I are not together). So next time you see a kid acting out and wonder where their parents are, maybe they are like me and my husband, doing our best, and wondering where we went wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bob in SC Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 Please remember me in your prayers. My aunt has bone cancer. I haven't seen her in awhile so we're not really close but she has always been nice to me and my kids. Unfortunately, it has spread through her body and the prognosis is not good (she had to have a blood transfusion -- I thought they only did that with bone cancer)? Also, I mentioned I am having trouble with my 14 year old. He is hanging around some nasty kids -- rude, disrespectful, smoking, etc. My son is no angel, of course, but they feed off each other's negative behavior. Awhile ago, for example, he told me he was building a fort in the wooded area behind our house. I thought it was good that they were doing something constructive, but as it turned out, they were stealing lumber from Home Depot (he claims he was only along for the ride, but you know how that goes). My husband and I wanted them to press charges, but they just made them reimburse them for the lumber. His behavior is bound to escalate and soon I won't be able to take it, and he will have to go to a RTF (residential treatment facility). He doesn't appreciate the fact that he has a nice home and two parents and a sister who care about him (even though my husbband and I are not together). So next time you see a kid acting out and wonder where their parents are, maybe they are like me and my husband, doing our best, and wondering where we went wrong. 381166[/snapback] Melissa, If it's any consolation, you may have done NOTHING wrong. Every year, we learn more about the origins of human behavior and how parenting is a much smaller part of the equation than we once thought. Body chemistry, genetics, peer pressure, and many other factors go into the mix. Problem kids happen to good parents and vice versa. It's one of those things that, the more we learn, the less we really know. So, don't be too hard on yourself. Just be there for him when he needs it (and he will) and hope it will eventually turn out OK. (Sorry if I sound like Dr. Phil, but that's my take on your situation.) And, prayers for your aunt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terry Tate Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 That's some hard news. Hope your aunt is getting all the help she needs. As for the boy, well - sounds a lot like me when I was his age. I was sent away to school for a couple years, and I had to work to pay for the tuition. I would come home many weekends, but quite often not. Kept me away from the other troublemakers quite a bit - which was about all that could be done with me at that point. After my parents sold their house and moved to a different part of town, I went to a new school, but only took the bare minimum classes so I could get a full-time job, barely graduated (but did), and finally left home. Didn't turn me completely around, but I didn't do time in Attica for grand theft auto like my old best friend did. He had a lot more free, idle time on his hands than I did, and of course it was spent poorly. Kids who are busy going to school, learning a trade, doing chores, participating in sports, etc simply don't have as much time to get in trouble as kids who are 'hanging out' all day long. It's not that they wouldn't get in to trouble, or that they don't want to, they just don't have as much opportunity! And, in the end, my ex-con friend and I are both married and are raising kids. So hang in there. I know no parent wants to see their child learn life's lessons the hard way, but for some there is no other way. And life demands those lessons be learned - we don't get to skip class on this one. I was one who learned in the dear school of experience - a fool will learn in no other, and I somehow made it this far relatively intact. So stay strong, and don't give up hope. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stevestojan Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 and how parenting is a much smaller part of the equation than we once thought 381192[/snapback] oh my lord, do NOT let Darin or DCTom read that... Melissa, I will admit whenever I see a kid acting like a punk I do think "man, his parents must be award winners"... however, it's obviously not ALWAYS the case. If its any consolation, when I was that age, and when most guys are that age, that is when they are the worst. Hopefully, time will help. Oh, and best wishes for your aunt... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ramius Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 Melissa, prayers for your aunt... Melissa, If it's any consolation, you may have done NOTHING wrong. Every year, we learn more about the origins of human behavior and how parenting is a much smaller part of the equation than we once thought. Body chemistry, genetics, peer pressure, and many other factors go into the mix. Problem kids happen to good parents and vice versa. It's one of those things that, the more we learn, the less we really know. So, don't be too hard on yourself. Just be there for him when he needs it (and he will) and hope it will eventually turn out OK. (Sorry if I sound like Dr. Phil, but that's my take on your situation.) And, prayers for your aunt. 381192[/snapback] as for bob, yah, just remove more blame from the parents , because its obviously all the kids ...waaaaa, its all the kids, waaaaaa, give them drugs, when in fact, it IS the parents who suck... (Melissa, in no way am i saying you are a bad parent, i am obviously in no position to pass judgement, but i am calling out bob for that asinine statement) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bob in SC Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 Melissa, prayers for your aunt...as for bob, yah, just remove more blame from the parents , because its obviously all the kids ...waaaaa, its all the kids, waaaaaa, give them drugs, when in fact, it IS the parents who suck... (Melissa, in no way am i saying you are a bad parent, i am obviously in no position to pass judgement, but i am calling out bob for that asinine statement) 381211[/snapback] Thank you for your intelligent, thoughtful response to Melissa's problem. "The parents suck" - and the basis for this profound comment is what? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MadBuffaloDisease Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 Good luck Melissa. Sounds like you have your hands full. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Puhonix Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 Prayers for you aunt, I hope she gets well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crap Throwing Monkey Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 oh my lord, do NOT let Darin or DCTom read that... 381204[/snapback] I've been sitting her saying to myself "I'm NOT going to respond to that stupid-ass post. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not..." Bob, every year we learn more about such things, we learn that behavoir is not dictated by any one item, but formed through the interaction of genetic predisposition, cognitive environment, and emotional environment (both internal and external)...and parenting is a BIG part of the last two. Genetics does not causes behavior, it imparts a predisposition to behavior that may or may not be expressed...which is orphaned twins separated at birth and raised separately end up being only similar and not identical in behavior as adults. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kelly the Dog Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 I've been sitting her saying to myself "I'm NOT going to respond to that stupid-ass post. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not..." Bob, every year we learn more about such things, we learn that behavoir is not dictated by any one item, but formed through the interaction of genetic predisposition, cognitive environment, and emotional environment (both internal and external)...and parenting is a BIG part of the last two. Genetics does not causes behavior, it imparts a predisposition to behavior that may or may not be expressed...which is orphaned twins separated at birth and raised separately end up being only similar and not identical in behavior as adults. 381254[/snapback] Quite correct. Children of alcoholics are often thought to be highly more likely to start drinking heavily. That is not the case. What IS the case, however, is that if they DO start drinking heavily, they are much more likely to become alcoholics like their parents. That said, hang in there, Melissa. We miss you here. I know it seems terrible now, and I'm not saying it's going to get better, but some kids can surprise you. They can make the big turn. It happens all the time. Keep the faith, and do what you believe is right, it's all you can do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bob in SC Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 I've been sitting her saying to myself "I'm NOT going to respond to that stupid-ass post. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not..." Bob, every year we learn more about such things, we learn that behavoir is not dictated by any one item, but formed through the interaction of genetic predisposition, cognitive environment, and emotional environment (both internal and external)...and parenting is a BIG part of the last two. Genetics does not causes behavior, it imparts a predisposition to behavior that may or may not be expressed...which is orphaned twins separated at birth and raised separately end up being only similar and not identical in behavior as adults. 381254[/snapback] CTM, Believe it or not, we are not that far apart on this one (despite the fact that you earlier described me as a "sanctimonious prick.") All I said is, it is much more complex than a simple cause-effect relationship. Many years ago, I was taught such simplicities as "Schizophrenia is caused by poor mothering" and other such sexist tripe that dismissed all behavioral problems as the fault of bad parenting. Of course, thanks to medical science, we now know that nothing is that simple, right? Many factors, including parenting, contribute to it. All I was attempting to do was to help Melissa to get off the "What did I do wrong" kick. Don't you know people who were great parents whose kids turned out to be real rotters and really bad parents who, somehow raised kids who became responsible, productive adults? It happens, and neither you or I have the equation at this time. Maybe someday.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alaska Darin Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 oh my lord, do NOT let Darin or DCTom read that... Melissa, I will admit whenever I see a kid acting like a punk I do think "man, his parents must be award winners"... however, it's obviously not ALWAYS the case. If its any consolation, when I was that age, and when most guys are that age, that is when they are the worst. Hopefully, time will help. Oh, and best wishes for your aunt... 381204[/snapback] Nah, it's people like you who think your children are above correction when they act out and you ain't around. It's the "empowerment" of children that has ruined their development. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rockpile Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 Hey, Melissa! Have not heard from you in a while. My prayers go out to your family. Life is just not fair, is it? As far as your son, keep doing your best, that is all you can do. The rest is out of your hands. I am going to be doing a lot with my godson in the next few weeks. He is giving his parents fits. I am hoping I can show him that there are alternatives to going with the crowd. He is on a path that will lead to nothing but bad things. Be strong - I know you are up to the challenge. Rock Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nanker Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 Ditto pretty much what Rockpile said. God Bless. Keep doing your best and keep looking for ways to help him see beyond his immediate situation and the great possibilities the future offers for those that are prepared for its opportunities. The teens are more terrible than the twos. Best wishes for your aunt's recovery. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cåblelady Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 Love and prayers, Melissa.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussiew Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 Prayers for your aunt, Melissa. And for your son. Sounds like he's the youngest. My youngest of 5 was the "problem" child too. Don't beat yourself up over it and don't compare him to your other child - they are all different. But for your own sake, do look deeply at a couple of things: 1. Do you and your ex agree on discipline? Is his father still spending a lot of quality time with him? 2. Do you set (and adhere) to rules and boundries for him? "Giving in" after they nag, cry and threaten is one thing that will always come back to kick you in the a$$. 3. Are there any grandparents who can assist? They are a valuable resource in child rearing even if you don't like them. 4. Has he had a complete medical check-up, blood work and dental check-up to eliminate any physical or neurological issues. Best of luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheRocks Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 i would say your son is very fortunate that HD didn't want to press charges. in fact, i am surprised that they didn't. are the other kids he is hanging around older than him? Or the same age? just curious. if they are older i would say you will have big problems on your hands,...if they are the same age (within a year) it will be easier to be a bigger influence on your son then his friends. i suggest......smother him with a balance of love and discipline. my thoughts and prayers are with your aunt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BILLS4LIFE Posted July 15, 2005 Share Posted July 15, 2005 You got them,Melissa! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beerball Posted July 15, 2005 Share Posted July 15, 2005 Thoughts and prayers your way Melissa. Stay hands on with the boy, continue to talk to him, set and example and most importantly (IMO) set boundaries. Also, at his age he should begin setting goals for his future. Help him there. Does he want to go to college? Will his current grades allow him to reach that goal? Do you want him to go to college? It was never a question for me growing up. The extension of HS was college, plain and simple. There was never any question. Same with my kids. They expect to go to college because another alternative has never been discussed at length. They understand this. Stay involved in his life and lead him as best you can. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MelissaInPhilly Posted July 18, 2005 Author Share Posted July 18, 2005 Thanks for your nice thoughts and suggestions. Actually, he is acting a little better since the new case manager came out to talk to him. This guy is only 25, but he knows what he is doing. He told Isaiah that if he hears of any tantrums, throwing things, trouble with the law, etc., I am to call him, and he will start the paperwork for residential. I hope it doesn't come to that, but maybe he needs to learn a lesson. Of course, he thinks this guy is an a__ hole, but that's because he tells it like it is. Next year my son is going to h.s. and since he is an excellent athlete, I hope he can involved in some sports (he's good at basketball, but he's very short). I only know two of the kids he hangs around by sight, and these knuckleheads are his own age, but there must be some older kids involved because some dummy buys them cigarettes. I was laid off from my last job and found one working for the Department of Human Services. Really intense stuff -- 12 year old moms with 30 year old mothers who are soon to be grandmothers themselves, drug abuse, sexual assault, and the list goes on. I can't wait until September so's I can lose myself in football oblivion! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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