Favorite quotes from your favorite stand ups

[Buffalo716]

“I get no respect at all - When I was a kid, I lost my parents at the beach. I asked a lifeguard to help me find them.” “ He said "I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide"

[LeviF]

"I once went on a date with a girl where we went hiking. And she gets bit by a snake in between her toes, and I had to suck out the poison to save her life.

 

So she’s dead."

[WhoTom]

17 hours ago, Pecos Bills said:

Demetri Martin:  I was eating some fajitas and I burnt the roof of my mouth. And I was like, “Ow! The roof of my mouth, that hurts. It’s really tender. Wait a minute. The roof of my mouth? This is the ceiling of my mouth. The roof of my mouth is way up here. Whoever named this was not using the attic of their mouth at all.”

 

Also D.M.: "I think they named the orange before carrots were discovered."

 

 

[DQW87]

"Got into an argument with a roulette dealer on what I considered to be an odd number."            Steven Wright

[Behindenemylines]

On 6/8/2023 at 6:05 PM, SinceThe70s said:

"I like my women like I like my coffee.......bitter. It's an acquired taste". 

 

I think that was from Brian Regan. 

My 12 year old nephew threw that out to the waitress a few weeks ago when he ordered a cup of Joe.    Killed the room

[SinceThe70s]

2 hours ago, Behindenemylines said:

My 12 year old nephew threw that out to the waitress a few weeks ago when he ordered a cup of Joe.    Killed the room

 

Outstanding!!!! Had he heard the line before? 

[Behindenemylines]

4 hours ago, SinceThe70s said:

 

Outstanding!!!! Had he heard the line before? 

Oh yeah.  He’s heard lots of them just didn’t know he was paying attention