Favorite quotes from your favorite stand ups

[Buffalo716]

2 minutes ago, jayg said:

 

 

“I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut; I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut.”

He’s the best 😂

[jayg]

6 minutes ago, Buffalo716 said:

He’s the best 😂

One more.  

 

 

[Buffalo716]

2 minutes ago, jayg said:

One more.  

 

 

RIP

 

”I used to do drugs… I still do … but I used to , too

[jayg]

6 minutes ago, Buffalo716 said:

RIP

 

”I used to do drugs… I still do … but I used to , too

I saw him a year before he died. He had his back to the audience the whole time and he was reading all of his jokes from his notebook. It was still funny but kind of awkward. After the show he had a little meet and greet he was wearing a Hugh Hefner robe and smoking a pipe and he seemed very comfortable then. The next year I was in Hawaii and my friend had tickets to see him at the same place in richmond, Virginia and he never showed up and that's when we learned he died.  RIP

[Buffalo716]

6 minutes ago, jayg said:

I saw him a year before he died. He had his back to the audience the whole time and he was reading all of his jokes from his notebook. It was still funny but kind of awkward. After the show he had a little meet and greet he was wearing a Hugh Hefner robe and smoking a pipe and he seemed very comfortable then. The next year I was in Hawaii and my friend had tickets to see him at the same place in richmond, Virginia and he never showed up and that's when we learned he died.  RIP

Damn 

 

yea he was a genuine 1 of 1…. His presence was always awkward mixed with sublime 

 

1 of 1

[SinceThe70s]

A few years ago at a Little League game one of the fathers was the announcer. Not sure if he stole this line from someone else, but when his son came to the plate it went something like this:

 

Up next is Aidan. Why is Aidan so skinny? Because his mother can't cook. In our house we say prayers AFTER we eat.

[TheCockSportif]

"He left.  He did nothing.  He returned."

  -- Larry David

 

[Johnny Hammersticks]

Brush your teeth!  Now, boom orange juice!  That’s life!

 

John Mulaney

[Buffalo716]

Eat drink man woman

 

Won an Oscar about 15 years ago…

 

Coincidentally

 

That’s exactly how Arnold Schwarzenegger asked out Maria Shriver

[The Jokeman]

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

-Steven Wright

[ICanSleepWhenI'mDead]

Ron White reflecting on his conversation with the cops about being drunk in public after he got thrown out of a bar:

 

"I had the right to remain silent . . . . .

 

I just didn't have the ability."

 

[Pecos Bills]

Demetri Martin:  I was eating some fajitas and I burnt the roof of my mouth. And I was like, “Ow! The roof of my mouth, that hurts. It’s really tender. Wait a minute. The roof of my mouth? This is the ceiling of my mouth. The roof of my mouth is way up here. Whoever named this was not using the attic of their mouth at all.”

[teef]

The best thing I could ever do if I had a child would be to leave before it was born, because we all know single moms breed pro athletes.  See you on draft day.  
 

 

dion cole. I think. 
 

 

I have a criteria for dating women.  They either have to have a college degree or a gym membership…because I am not dating any fat, stupid *****.  Be one or the other, but not both.  Pick your affliction. 
 

 

also dion cole, (I just heard dion cole on the radio). 

Edited June 8, 2023 by teef

[JÂy RÛßeÒ]

 

You know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation.  And that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding.

[JÂy RÛßeÒ]

Gallagher:
"They say baldness is hereditary, they say it's in your genes.  I say that's wrong - I got hair in my jeans.  I need it in my hat!"

[Nextmanup]

I absolutely love George Carlin and you could quote his entire body of work as some of the all time great comedic clips! 

 

Having said that, I was just watching a video the other day in which he was going off on how big and fat Americans are.

 

He has that impeccable timing and says something like "Some of these people are so fat you actually have to stop and ask yourself...[dramatic comedic pause]....how does this woman take a S***?!"

 

Pound for pound that is as good as anything he ever said; it's so vintage George from the subject matter, the societal critique, the raw language, and the brutal directness of the whole thing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited June 8, 2023 by Nextmanup

[Behindenemylines]

On 5/18/2023 at 5:02 PM, machine gun kelly said:

“We’ll Mr. Kelly, do you have any aliases,  yeah they call me Tater Salad”.

 

 

I don’t want to be drunk in public, I want to be drunk in a bar.

 

I still love this famous Ron White Schlick.

A total classic.  

[SinceThe70s]

"I like my women like I like my coffee.......bitter. It's an acquired taste". 

 

I think that was from Brian Regan. 

[muppy]

this clip is comedy GOLD. One of my favs starts at 2:16. omgoodness hilarious the entire monologue is LOLOL Everything went white. And lil bit of pee came out. And I passed out.  I think you just ripped out my #######. Why would you do that? lmaooo

 

 

[4merper4mer]

Not a standup but from a sitcom…..sorry.

 

Women hit their sexual peak at whatever age Jan was last week.

 

Clark from The Office