Finally, the Truth About Dolphins

[BF_in_Michigan]

John Taranto in today's Best of the Web:

 

Yesterday we noted a zany letter to the editor in an item we said "has no point." How wrong we were. It turns out that the letter writer, Dave Genova of Asheville, N.C., was dead wrong when he described dolphins as peaceful creatures. They have, in fact, been implicated in a whole host of crimes:

 

* Bullying. "Gangs of strong males pick on younger or smaller dolphins," National Geographic television reported in 1999.

 

* Domestic violence. "Dr. Richard Connor, studying dolphins in Shark Bay in Western Australia, has documented cases of males kidnapping and holding females captive, sometimes for months at a time," according to National Geographic.

 

* Interspecies hate crimes. "Harbour porpoises are being killed in increasing numbers by bottlenose dolphins around British coasts," the BBC reported in January. The New York Times reported in 1999 that "dolphins have been found to bludgeon porpoises to death by the hundreds."

 

* Infanticide. "Dolphin researchers from the United States and Britain recently reported that baby bottlenose dolphins found dead on the shores of both countries were likely battered to death by adult bottlenose dolphins," reported Ocean Watch in 1998. The Times reported in 1999 that "off Scotland, a scientist watched in shock for nearly an hour as an adult dolphin repeatedly picked up a baby in its mouth and smacked it against the water, over and over, until it sank from view."

 

* Sexual Assault. "A Norwegian man is accusing a dolphin of attempted rape," Reuters reported from Oslo in 1999. "Norway's top-selling daily Verdens Gang on Tuesday quoted the 28-year-old as saying that the dolphin apparently mistook him for a female after swimming alongside him in the sea off Farsund, south Norway, earlier this month. The dolphin's penis got caught between the man's swimming costume and his legs. . . . 'The dolphin shoved me forward two or three metres [six to 10 feet] before I got loose,' he said. 'At first I thought it was a fin . . . but dolphins don't have fins on their underbellies.' "

 

But here's some good news: It turns out that the fishing nets used to catch tuna have the added benefit of ensnaring and killing dolphins. Tuna that is not caught using this method is labeled "dolphin safe" so that you can avoid it. This Web site has a helpful list of supermarket chains that sell non-dolphin-safe tuna. Tuck away a nice tuna-salad sandwich, and you'll be doing your part to save the world from the delphine menace.

 

The Delphine Menace

[KD in CA]

 

That's just too funny to allow to fall off page 1 so quickly.

[TigerJ]

Who knew the team name was so appropriate?

[Puhonix]

All this proves is that Dolphins are more sophisticated mammals than another certiain land roving mammal that does little more than graze, mate, and sh*t.

 

Still better than being a Raider.

[Live&DieBillsFootball]

I always thought that the Dolphin was the biggest kitty of all team mascots. It used to be the Cardinals until a lot of them got accused of molesting boys.

[Ramius]

John Taranto in today's Best of the Web:

 

Yesterday we noted a zany letter to the editor in an item we said "has no point." How wrong we were. It turns out that the letter writer, Dave Genova of Asheville, N.C., was dead wrong when he described dolphins as peaceful creatures. They have, in fact, been implicated in a whole host of crimes:

 

  * Bullying. "Gangs of strong males pick on younger or smaller dolphins," National Geographic television reported in 1999.

 

    * Domestic violence. "Dr. Richard Connor, studying dolphins in Shark Bay in Western Australia, has documented cases of males kidnapping and holding females captive, sometimes for months at a time," according to National Geographic.

 

    * Interspecies hate crimes. "Harbour porpoises are being killed in increasing numbers by bottlenose dolphins around British coasts," the BBC reported in January. The New York Times reported in 1999 that "dolphins have been found to bludgeon porpoises to death by the hundreds."

 

    * Infanticide. "Dolphin researchers from the United States and Britain recently reported that baby bottlenose dolphins found dead on the shores of both countries were likely battered to death by adult bottlenose dolphins," reported Ocean Watch in 1998. The Times reported in 1999 that "off Scotland, a scientist watched in shock for nearly an hour as an adult dolphin repeatedly picked up a baby in its mouth and smacked it against the water, over and over, until it sank from view."

 

    * Sexual Assault. "A Norwegian man is accusing a dolphin of attempted rape," Reuters reported from Oslo in 1999. "Norway's top-selling daily Verdens Gang on Tuesday quoted the 28-year-old as saying that the dolphin apparently mistook him for a female after swimming alongside him in the sea off Farsund, south Norway, earlier this month. The dolphin's penis got caught between the man's swimming costume and his legs. . . . 'The dolphin shoved me forward two or three metres [six to 10 feet] before I got loose,' he said. 'At first I thought it was a fin . . . but dolphins don't have fins on their underbellies.' "

 

But here's some good news: It turns out that the fishing nets used to catch tuna have the added benefit of ensnaring and killing dolphins. Tuna that is not caught using this method is labeled "dolphin safe" so that you can avoid it. This Web site has a helpful list of supermarket chains that sell non-dolphin-safe tuna. Tuck away a nice tuna-salad sandwich, and you'll be doing your part to save the world from the delphine menace.

 

The Delphine Menace

340707[/snapback]

 

hmmm, for a second there, i almost thought this article was about the mammal...

[aussiew]

has documented cases of males kidnapping and holding females captive, sometimes for months at a time,"

 

[dib]

The only truth that you need to know about Dolphins is that they are Marine Mammals without external genitalia.

[SF Bills Fan]

A classic, from the Onion.

----------------------

Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs

 

 

HONOLULU, HAWAII - HONOLULU.

In an announcement with grave implications for the primacy of the species of man, marine biologists at the Hawaii Oceanographic Institute reported Monday that dolphins, or family Delphinidae, have evolved opposable thumbs on their pectoral fins.

 

"I believe I speak for the entire human race when I say, 'Holy sh--,'" said Oceanographic Institute director Dr. James Aoki, noting that the dolphin has a cranial capacity 40 percent greater than that of humans. "That's it for us monkeys."

[Puhonix]

"I believe I speak for the entire human race when I say, 'Holy sh--,'" said Oceanographic Institute director Dr. James Aoki, noting that the dolphin has a cranial capacity 40  percent greater than that of humans. "

341267[/snapback]

 

[jarthur31]

I always thought that the Dolphin was the biggest kitty of all team mascots.  It used to be the Cardinals until a lot of them got accused of molesting boys. 

341141[/snapback]

 

 

ROFL!

[Smoker2Buffalo]

Dolphins are the only species other than humans that:

 

1.) Have sex for pleasure.

2.) Have oral sex.

[Arkady Renko]

You can have sex for pleasure? I wish someone had told me earlier.

[Ghost of BiB]

341249[/snapback]

 

Fur lined handcuffs sound good to you? I'll be sure to get the dolphin safe kind.