Humor: making fun of cliches

[Pac_Man]

"This wide receiver is fast," remarked the scout.

"Of course he's fast," snarled Jones, the GM. "He's fresh, nobody's hit him for months, the weather is perfect, the surface couldn't be any faster. All that's great, but it has nothing to do with football. In football, you have to be able to be fast even after your body's taken a little abuse."

"So what do you suggest?"

"Suggest? I'll tell you what I suggest," said Jones angrily. "Let's put this wide receiver in the oven for 20 minutes, and then see how fast he can run."

"Is that safe?"

"Yeah, it's safe. I tested it this morning on a rat."

"That dead rat there?"

"Hey, this wide receiver is tougher than some stupid rat. He'll be fine."

After his 20 minutes in the oven, the WR ran an 8 second 40. He wondered whether he had permanent brain damage.

"Ha! Just as I thought," said Jones. "This joker's cooked speed is nothing to write home about."

"Yeah," said the scout. "But his raw speed is really special."

[Pac_Man]

Rob Johnson was arrested this morning on charges of stealing from a grocery store.

"I don't understand why someone with all those millions would need to steal from a grocery store," remarked one of the store's employees. What makes the story more interesting is the items Johnson was accused of stealing had very little value.

"He was just stuffing his pockets full of those plastic grocery bags," said one eyewitness. "I mean, most people have so many of those stupid bags they don't know what to do with them."

 

Though strange, it appears this behavior may be part of a pattern. "This isn't the first time this has happened," said the grocery store manager. "Nor is it the second, or even the fifth time." He paused. "That guy takes a lot of sacks."

[Beerball]

TD? That you?

[Pac_Man]

"Down. Set. Hut. Huuuuuuuut Hut!" Smith, a defensive tackle, looked hungry. The ball was snapped. Immediately, Smith's arms and legs flew everywhere. His detached leg slid along the ground, tripping the QB as he dropped back to pass. The QB recovered his balance, only to be temporarily blinded by Smith's blood spattering across his face. He dodged his head just in time to avoid Smith's hand flying through the air. These distractions cost him three precious seconds, and the QB was taken down in a sack.

 

"Patch him up! Patch him up!" defenders called to each other after the play was over. They worked quickly, reassembling Smith's body parts. A coach tossed a roll of duct tape over from the sidelines, and Smith was quickly taped back together. Another coach tossed a large syringe filled with blood to one of the players. The blood was pumped into Smith to replace what he'd just lost.

 

"Are you okay?" one of the players asked Smith. "Let's play some football!" he replied. The tape and the syringe were tossed back over to the sideline just before the ball was snapped. Smith's arm came loose, and headed straight toward the ball. The ball fell to the turf. The QB dodged the torso flying at him to recover the ball. A leg flew his way, causing the QB to be called down.

 

Smith was on the field for most defensive snaps, and he continued to use this style of play. After the game was over, his teammates marveled at his performace. "That guy just explodes off the line of scrimmage. I mean, he just explodes," one of the defensive ends said.

[Pac_Man]

TD?  That you?

331030[/snapback]

No.

[Beerball]

No.

331037[/snapback]

K

[Pac_Man]

Imagine yourself back in the 1970s . . .

"The Bills have the ball. There's the snap, and O.J. knifes his way up the middle for a first down."

"Wow, this O.J. is really something."

"Yeah. He's a talented runner. He's good at cut blocks, cut backs, you name it. If it involves cutting, he's good at it."

"Next play, O.J. slashes through the defense for a five yard gain."

"You know, I had a talk with O.J. before the game. He had the hardest time putting on his gloves. I don't know why he likes gloves that are so tight, but he does."

"I hear that if you're committing a crime it makes sense to have a tight glove so that you're not tempted to take it off."

"Next play of the drive, Simpson up the middle for 5 yards and another first down."

"Wow. He's just abusing the defense."

"Yeah, well, he's had a lot of practice abusing people."

"Next play of the drive, a ten yard run, and a touchdown! O.J. draws first blood!"

"Wow! Simpson is incredible. He's the Bills' secret weapon."

"I don't know how much of a secret he is."

"Okay, then maybe I should call him the Bills' murder weapon."

"Well, now that the Bills are going over to defense, we won't see Simpson for a while."

"You almost hate to keep that talented an athlete on the sidelines at any part of the game. I'm sure he'd make a great defender. He'd know exactly how to engineer a jail break."

"Yeah, he'd give 'The Assassin' a challenge for that nickname."

"Well, now the Bills are back on offense. It looks like they're trying to kill the clock by handing the ball to O.J."

"That shouldn't be a problem. When it comes to killing anything, O.J. is second to none."

"You got that right. But you especially have to watch out when he says that he loves you. Odds are you'll have a knife slashed across your throat in no time."

"Speaking of slashing, did you see that last run? That was incredible!"

"You know, there's more to O.J. than just football. He's got an artistic side too."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Just the other day he suggested the color of the gloves be changed to red. I think that shows a little creativity."

"Well, I don't know about that. He mentioned that idea to me too, and he said the reason was he didn't want stains to show."

"Well, at least he's practical. Speaking of which, he practically killed the defender on that last play."

[Smoker2Buffalo]

"Yeah, it's safe. I tested it this morning on a rat."

"That dead rat there?"

"Hey, this wide receiver is tougher than some stupid rat. He'll be fine."

331025[/snapback]

 

LOL, that's my favorite part.