Why We Care (a Love Letter to BillsMafia)

[CoachWiley]

Disclaimer: I don’t post here often, but truly appreciate those of you who do. It has sustained me this season. That said, I know some of you feel the way I do. 
 

Why We Care

(A Love Letter to BillsMafia)

 

Gutted. It's the only word I've been able to think of that accurately describes how I feel after the Bills loss to KC last night. 13 seconds away from advancing to their first home AFC Championship game in over 25 years. To put that into perspective, I was 18 years old and sat at (then) Rich Stadium to see the Bills beat, ironically, the Chiefs to advance to their 4th consecutive Super Bowl. I had my tickets purchased to return home to the stadium next weekend to see their next brush with destiny. Instead, I cancelled my flight, and found myself listless in bed last night, up every hour or two, checking Twitter to see if a different result would pop up, and swearing under my breath when no different outcome appeared.

 

I find myself going through the cycle of emotion from sadness, to frustration, to anger and back to sadness. I can't quite seem to decide which emotion I want to give my attention to longer than 5 minutes. Why do we even care? It's just a game, right? If the last two years has taught us anything, it's that life is precious and there's so much we don't have control over. At times, it feels like we're living in a dystopian world, where our leaders are clueless, if not corrupt, our health has been reduced to a nasal swab, and it's hard to find compromise on just about anything. This doesn't even include the many social inequalities and significant social issues that plague us as a society. So, I ask again, why do we even care? The simple answer can only be found in the common bond that this team....this city...this fan base shares. As hard as the last two years have been, this team and fan base has given us something to celebrate to get excited about again, and to draw our attention away from the hard stuff. In fact, I'm not sure how I would have gotten through the last two years without this team and our fans.

 

Over the last 30 years, much of what I've learned about perseverance, hope and determination has come from being a fan of the Buffalo Bills. The common belief that better days lie ahead and that together nothing is insurmountable, is just what happens when you're from Buffalo. It's in our DNA. We take care of business and of our own. We’re loyal (sometimes to a fault) and relish playing the role of underdog. Yes, the players have come and gone, but the one constant has been the fans, young and old. I'm old enough to remember the heartache of the four consecutive Super Bowls, and yes, that was both an exhilarating and crushing time. My dad brought me to the games as a kid until I was old enough to buy the season tickets and bring him to the games. It's our special thing. I've had the opportunity to watch most of the games with him the last two years and last night, with tears in our eyes, was perhaps the hardest one to digest since those Super Bowl years. And as much as it sucks, I still believe. I believe in this team, and this city, even though I've now lived elsewhere for over a decade. I believe in Brandon Beane. I believe in Sean McDermott. And I SURE AS HELL believe in Josh Allen. But most importantly, I believe in this fan base coming together to lift each other up. I will fondly remember my trips this season to home and away games in Nashville and New Orleans. BillsMafia not only showed up in those cities....WE TOOK OVER. My heart breaks for Bills fans everywhere, but the truth is, we've been here before and we've got each others' back. No fair weather fans here. We love unconditionally and that's what makes us the best fan base in any sport in the country. Period.

 

So, whichever emotion you're feeling this morning, BillsMafia, it's ok. Whether you're sad, frustrated or angry...it's ok. If you need to pick apart every decision, missed tackle and lament what could have been, then go for it. The team will must address these shortcomings and move on. And so will we. Just know you're not alone and that when they strap in on again in August, this team...our team...will need us again. But more importantly, we'll continue to need each other. I'm so appreciative of the relationships and moments in my life (highs and lows) created by this team and with you all. This Forum, in particular, brings me joy…ok, and sometimes frustration, but we’ve got each other. And that's why we care.
 

Go Bills!

Edited January 24, 2022 by CoachWiley

[BuffaloBill]

Nicely said.  Can’t add anything.

[nedboy7]

Love it.  Thanks. 

[BillsShredder83]

I cant believe i even had the guts to come to TBD today. I was 11 when forward lateral happened.  It wrecked me, looking back the only thing comparable id felt was putting a dog to sleep.  Few months later No Goal. Both those plays make me nauseous and instantly take me back to that feeling at 11.

 

I dont know why i get so invested either, and im reflecting a bit on that today.  Dont care how corny it is, im in nc, no bills fans i know personally here, so i came to grieve a bit with yall. Thx for the post and the perspective brother

[CoachWiley]

2 minutes ago, BillsShredder83 said:

I cant believe i even had the guts to come to TBD today. I was 11 when forward lateral happened.  It wrecked me, looking back the only thing comparable id felt was putting a dog to sleep.  Few months later No Goal. Both those plays make me nauseous and instantly take me back to that feeling at 11.

 

I dont know why i get so invested either, and im reflecting a bit on that today.  Dont care how corny it is, im in nc, no bills fans i know personally here, so i came to grieve a bit with yall. Thx for the post and the perspective brother

Sending you love and respect, man. I’ve lived in 4 cities since leaving Buffalo and carry the flag wherever I’ve been. Thanks for doing the same in your corner of the world. 

[Bleedbuffaloblue]

You summarized the entire situation with shear grace. Thank you for that. Hope everyone on this board reads your post.

[Riverboat Ritchie]

43 minutes ago, CoachWiley said:

Disclaimer: I don’t post here often, but truly appreciate those of you who do. It has sustained me this season. That said, I know some of you feel the way I do. 
 

Why We Care

(A Love Letter to BillsMafia)

 

Gutted. It's the only word I've been able to think of that accurately describes how I feel after the Bills loss to KC last night. 13 seconds away from advancing to their first AFC Championship game in over 25 years. To put that into perspective, I was 18 years old and sat at (then) Rich Stadium to see the Bills beat, ironically, the Chiefs to advance to their 4th consecutive Super Bowl. I had my tickets purchased to return home to the stadium next weekend to see their next brush with destiny. Instead, I cancelled my flight, and found myself listless in bed last night, up every hour or two, checking Twitter to see if a different result would pop up, and swearing under my breath when no different outcome appeared.

 

I find myself going through the cycle of emotion from sadness, to frustration, to anger and back to sadness. I can't quite seem to decide which emotion I want to give my attention to longer than 5 minutes. Why do we even care? It's just a game, right? If the last two years has taught us anything, it's that life is precious and there's so much we don't have control over. At times, it feels like we're living in a dystopian world, where our leaders are clueless, if not corrupt, our health has been reduced to a nasal swab, and it's hard to find compromise on just about anything. This doesn't even include the many social inequalities and significant social issues that plague us as a society. So, I ask again, why do we even care? The simple answer can only be found in the common bond that this team....this city...this fan base shares. As hard as the last two years have been, this team and fan base has given us something to celebrate to get excited about again, and to draw our attention away from the hard stuff. In fact, I'm not sure how I would have gotten through the last two years without this team and our fans.

 

Over the last 30 years, much of what I've learned about perseverance, hope and determination has come from being a fan of the Buffalo Bills. The common belief that better days lie ahead and that together nothing is insurmountable, is just what happens when you're from Buffalo. It's in our DNA. We take care of business and of our own. We’re loyal (sometimes to a fault) and relish playing the role of underdog. Yes, the players have come and gone, but the one constant has been the fans, young and old. I'm old enough to remember the heartache of the four consecutive Super Bowls, and yes, that was both an exhilarating and crushing time. My dad brought me to the games as a kid until I was old enough to buy the season tickets and bring him to the games. It's our special thing. I've had the opportunity to watch most of the games with him the last two years and last night, with tears in our eyes, was perhaps the hardest one to digest since those Super Bowl years. And as much as it sucks, I still believe. I believe in this team, and this city, even though I've now lived elsewhere for over a decade. I believe in Brandon Beane. I believe in Sean McDermott. And I SURE AS HELL believe in Josh Allen. But most importantly, I believe in this fan base coming together to lift each other up. I will fondly remember my trips this season to home and away games in Nashville and New Orleans. BillsMafia not only showed up in those cities....WE TOOK OVER. My heart breaks for Bills fans everywhere, but the truth is, we've been here before and we've got each others' back. No fair weather fans here. We love unconditionally and that's what makes us the best fan base in any sport in the country. Period.

 

So, whichever emotion you're feeling this morning, BillsMafia, it's ok. Whether you're sad, frustrated or angry...it's ok. If you need to pick apart every decision, missed tackle and lament what could have been, then go for it. The team will must address these shortcomings and move on. And so will we. Just know you're not alone and that when they strap in on again in August, this team...our team...will need us again. But more importantly, we'll continue to need each other. I'm so appreciative of the relationships and moments in my life (highs and lows) created by this team and with you all. This Forum, in particular, brings me joy…ok, and sometimes frustration, but we’ve got each other. And that's why we care.
 

Go Bills!

Great post and thank you. The tailgating, family reunions are irreplaceable.  Many of us live all over the country/world but when you spot a Bills fan it brings you back to family.  What really sucks about this one is the blown opportunity.  I’m 45 and I joke that I just need one before I die. Driving to hotel from arrowhead for first time I kinda thought that it might not happen. It’s a silly game but just one before I die. Go Bills 

[BillsShredder83]

12 minutes ago, CoachWiley said:

Sending you love and respect, man. I’ve lived in 4 cities since leaving Buffalo and carry the flag wherever I’ve been. Thanks for doing the same in your corner of the world. 

Thanks brother. Had a guy at the bank see my hat and give me a quick 'helluva game last night'. Proud of this team and fanbase. Respect to you and yours!

[CoachWiley]

Just now, mjfbillsfan said:

Great post and thank you. The tailgating, family reunions are irreplaceable.  Many of us live all over the country/world but when you spot a Bills fan it brings you back to family.  What really sucks about this one is the blown opportunity.  I’m 45 and I joke that I just need one before I die. Driving to hotel from arrowhead for first time I kinda thought that it might not happen. It’s a silly game but just one before I die. Go Bills 

@mjfbillsfan I feel you. I’m 46. After watching the game with my dad last night (he’s 70), what really broke me down was him saying with tears in his eyes, “I don’t have many more chances to see them win it.” Ugh. This may well have been their best chance for awhile. Just hoping they learn the value of home field advantage for next year and beyond. Here’s to a Super Bowl win for you, me, my dad and all BillsMafia before too long! 

[Rock-A-Bye Beasley]

Good post, but they were in the AFC Championship game last year.

[CoachWiley]

21 minutes ago, Rock-A-Bye Beasley said:

Good post, but they were in the AFC Championship game last year.

Sorry, I meant at home…thanks for the copy edit though. 😉

Edited January 24, 2022 by CoachWiley

[astb41]

came to boards to post the same sentiment as OP and glad to have read this.  I'm 38 years old.  Never lived in Buffalo, never even been to Buffalo, but been to many road games over the years.  I became a fan at 7 watching Jim Kelly, Thurm, Bruce and the rest.  Cried through 4 Super Bowl losses, and sat stunned watching music city, and years analyzing everything during the drought like EJ Manuel practice pass completions.  Hell I was completely convinced signing TO was going to bring us a championship.

 

3 weeks ago I checked flights to Buffalo on a whim from SLC (live in Utah now) and they were extremely reasonable for AFC Championship weekend.  Hotel, car rental, everything super cheap.  I figured best not to wait until the week of and try and save some money so I booked everything (fully refundable) with the thinking that it's not very likely the Bills will host but hey if it works out I know I'm gonna want to be there for my first home game.  And then every single thing that needed to happen, happened.

 

During the coarse of the game, emotions were up and down, but after so many years of yelling and swearing over every play, I mostly sit quietly and let things play out.  Just me in the basement with my Bills blanket, JA white jersey, bills socks, and same pair of pants and underwear (washed) I wear for every game.  Why do I even do that?  Why do I only use the same coffee mug every gameday morning and never any other day of the week?

 

When the Bills got the ball down 5 with 8:55 to go in Q4, I knew this was it.  This was the drive.  They were gonna take the entire clock, and score to win this thing.  Literally tearing into my blanket repeating "I believe" over and over and over again.  And then Singletary gets tackled for a loss of 7 setting up 4th and 13 and it was like a building fell on top of me.  Remembering blowing it vs Houston 2 years ago.  Remembering last years AFC Champ loss to KC.  It can't end here on 4th and 13.  Not like this.  I believe.  I believe.  I believe.

 

Allen hits Davis in the endzone and the f***** miracle is happening.  Some "woo's" and clapping and watered eyes of joy.  BUT, theres 1:54 left which is obviously too much time for Mahomes.  Great.  Sat back down.  Face back in blanket.  I believe.  

 

A couple good defensive plays to start the drive, but then Kelce gets the 1st down.  Another incompletion.  And then...Tyreek goes for 60ish and the TD.  And I'll never forget this weird feeling of...back to normal.  I honestly smiled and laughed and felt calm.  I think it's because that's what life is as a Bills fan.  The opposite end of good things.  I need therapy.

 

BUT we still have Josh Allen.  I believe.  just over 1 min to go and they march down the field.  The pass to Davis over the middle.  The pass to Sanders along the sideline.  The 4th and 4 scramble to extend the drive and save the season.  And then.... a f*****ing rocket to Davis down the middle for the TD and we're ahead.  I've never screamed, yelled, clapped or slammed my wall harder.  I literally started crying.  They did it.  They actually did it.  See we can have good things.  I'm going to Buffalo for my first Bills home game and it's the AFC championship with a trip to the Super Bowl on the line.  It was destiny.  Every single moment of frustration over this team in 30 years came out in those 30 seconds.

 

Ok great, gotta go for 2 just in case but c'mon there's 13 seconds left.  Allen scrambles, F*** we need this.  Hits Diggs in the back of the endzone.  Hell yea baby we did it.  I'm so glad there's only 13 seconds left they can't do sh***t with that, good thing it's not 25 or 30.  Who cares if they have 3 timeouts.  Who cares that the DEF got beat all game.  Maybe this is where the DB's step up and get a pick to seal it or just actually tackle someone.  Ok McD kick it deep.  Yea we're thinking kick it short to run time off but even if we kick to the 1 he might let it go in the endzone.  Or squibb it on the ground and the last group before the returner snags it at the 20 and maybe gets 5-10 yards so KC could have slightly better field position.  I get it.  Sure they'd have less time, but maybe that doesn't matter.  Play it safe and put them at the 25.  Not what I would do, but crap I'm not a coach what do I know, I trust you.  There's only 13 seconds left anyways.  I believe.

 

On the first play, watching the gap between the DL and the LBs and DBs was insane.  Playing TD prevent defense when all they need is a field goal.  Interesting strategy.  I was instantly back to my normal feeling.  The feeling of joy and happy tears evaporated as quickly as it came.  I believe.  Tyreek makes a catch.  Ok great, now they only need 1 or 2 plays and Butker could probably nail 70 yarder anyway, just our luck!  But there's no way the DEF comes out and plays that soft again since they only need 10-20 yards at this point.  I believe.  Kelce catches it, timeout, tie game.  Once we lost the coin toss I knew it was over.  I had no emotional investment in that period.  Still muttering I believe as KC marched down the field with ease to win the game and end our season and end our best shot in 28 or so years at a Super Bowl. 

 

No trip to Buffalo for me.  None of the images of screaming with ya'll at Rich Stadium that danced in my head for 3 weeks were coming true.  I turned the game off once Kelce caught it in OT.  My wife and dog came down to console me.  My wife never watches with me, but somehow found the game streaming free on nfl.com and watched the whole 4th quarter upstairs on her phone.  We laughed in shock and played with the dog.  An all too familiar feeling of close but no, maybe next year, and if only's. 

 

As the night wore on I got more sad.  I woke up probably every 20 minutes last night with my first thought being the ending.  I got up even more sad.  Teared up making breakfast.  Watched the opening segment of GMFB but turned it off after that even though I watch every morning with breakfast.  And now I'm here.  Searching for answers.  Searching for anything that can help.  Nothing has.  Maybe getting this off my chest will.  But I'm just so tired.  Tired of being good but not good enough.  That's what being a Bills fan has been to me for 30+ years.  Good but not good enough.  And maybe that's why I love them.  It's different for us right?  Different than the Bucs sucking forever and then stumbling upon Brady and winning it all.  We have to earn it right?  We have to enjoy the journey.  But I thought losing last year was the last bit of journey we needed.  I guess not.  I'm reminded of my favorite basketball team the Spurs, who dropped the 2013 NBA finals game 6 in similar fashion, with Allen hitting the corner 3.  They were able to take that and come back with a vengeance the next year and destroy the Heat to win the 2014 Finals.  Maybe the same thing happens with this Bills team.  Dear God I hope so.  But I thought last years loss to KC was that moment?

 

Who knows how many more moments we need to get over the hump.  Jordan had the Pistons.  We have the Chiefs.  But like all you other Bills fans, I live for the moments before 13 seconds.  I no longer cry or get angry over screw ups.  I cry and get emotional over the good things and the possibilities.  Of coming so close you can taste it.  I want to taste it.  I'm so used to the feeling of dread that it's just a part of everyday life now.  Maybe I really do need therapy.  But that's what being a sports fan is right?  Right?

 

But I can't wait for the moment of "good enough".  It's coming soon.  I believe.

Edited January 24, 2022 by astb41

[Hapless Bills Fan]

46 minutes ago, CoachWiley said:

@mjfbillsfan I feel you. I’m 46. After watching the game with my dad last night (he’s 70), what really broke me down was him saying with tears in his eyes, “I don’t have many more chances to see them win it.” Ugh. This may well have been their best chance for awhile. Just hoping they learn the value of home field advantage for next year and beyond. Here’s to a Super Bowl win for you, me, my dad and all BillsMafia before too long! 

 

Oh, well, my Mom will be 90 this June.  My FIL will be 91.    Let's hope we win one in the next 2 decades.

[CoachWiley]

1 minute ago, Hapless Bills Fan said:

 

Oh, well, my Mom will be 90 this June.  My FIL will be 91.    Let's hope we win one in the next 2 decades.

Let make it 2 years so they and we can all enjoy it! My best to them and you. 

Edited January 24, 2022 by CoachWiley

[Haslett_Stomp]

Thanks for posting, Coach.  As aggravated as I was last night, I am calm today (acceptance phase?).  Our time will come.  Those who saw the 2021 Bills play for the first time last night came away thinking this is a team that will be good for quite some time.  I have many texts from friends and co-workers across the country saying as much.

Edited January 24, 2022 by Haslett_Stomp

[BBills_88]

Yes! Our season is at a end, but the ending brings new beginnings. 

 

I BILLEVE this is the start of a Dynasty. 

 

I BILLEVE in Bean's drafting and as well as whatever moves he make or do not make in FA.

 

The players love McDermott and he will become a better coach. 

 

Josh Allen will only get better. 

 

Lets GO BUFFALO!!!!!!

Edited January 24, 2022 by BBills_88

[Jerome007]

I got teary eyed when Allen hit Davis for an 18-yard TD on a fourth-and-13 with 1:54 to go. Nearly cried with the last TD. Then just got stone mad. 

 

Even my basically football hating GF couldn't stand what she saw.

 

This so much felt like THE year for the Bills to win it all.  That's why it was such a tough loss to swallow - and of course HOW it happened as well.

[Shaw66]

2 hours ago, CoachWiley said:

Disclaimer: I don’t post here often, but truly appreciate those of you who do. It has sustained me this season. That said, I know some of you feel the way I do. 
 

Why We Care

(A Love Letter to BillsMafia)

 

Gutted. It's the only word I've been able to think of that accurately describes how I feel after the Bills loss to KC last night. 13 seconds away from advancing to their first home AFC Championship game in over 25 years. To put that into perspective, I was 18 years old and sat at (then) Rich Stadium to see the Bills beat, ironically, the Chiefs to advance to their 4th consecutive Super Bowl. I had my tickets purchased to return home to the stadium next weekend to see their next brush with destiny. Instead, I cancelled my flight, and found myself listless in bed last night, up every hour or two, checking Twitter to see if a different result would pop up, and swearing under my breath when no different outcome appeared.

 

I find myself going through the cycle of emotion from sadness, to frustration, to anger and back to sadness. I can't quite seem to decide which emotion I want to give my attention to longer than 5 minutes. Why do we even care? It's just a game, right? If the last two years has taught us anything, it's that life is precious and there's so much we don't have control over. At times, it feels like we're living in a dystopian world, where our leaders are clueless, if not corrupt, our health has been reduced to a nasal swab, and it's hard to find compromise on just about anything. This doesn't even include the many social inequalities and significant social issues that plague us as a society. So, I ask again, why do we even care? The simple answer can only be found in the common bond that this team....this city...this fan base shares. As hard as the last two years have been, this team and fan base has given us something to celebrate to get excited about again, and to draw our attention away from the hard stuff. In fact, I'm not sure how I would have gotten through the last two years without this team and our fans.

 

Over the last 30 years, much of what I've learned about perseverance, hope and determination has come from being a fan of the Buffalo Bills. The common belief that better days lie ahead and that together nothing is insurmountable, is just what happens when you're from Buffalo. It's in our DNA. We take care of business and of our own. We’re loyal (sometimes to a fault) and relish playing the role of underdog. Yes, the players have come and gone, but the one constant has been the fans, young and old. I'm old enough to remember the heartache of the four consecutive Super Bowls, and yes, that was both an exhilarating and crushing time. My dad brought me to the games as a kid until I was old enough to buy the season tickets and bring him to the games. It's our special thing. I've had the opportunity to watch most of the games with him the last two years and last night, with tears in our eyes, was perhaps the hardest one to digest since those Super Bowl years. And as much as it sucks, I still believe. I believe in this team, and this city, even though I've now lived elsewhere for over a decade. I believe in Brandon Beane. I believe in Sean McDermott. And I SURE AS HELL believe in Josh Allen. But most importantly, I believe in this fan base coming together to lift each other up. I will fondly remember my trips this season to home and away games in Nashville and New Orleans. BillsMafia not only showed up in those cities....WE TOOK OVER. My heart breaks for Bills fans everywhere, but the truth is, we've been here before and we've got each others' back. No fair weather fans here. We love unconditionally and that's what makes us the best fan base in any sport in the country. Period.

 

So, whichever emotion you're feeling this morning, BillsMafia, it's ok. Whether you're sad, frustrated or angry...it's ok. If you need to pick apart every decision, missed tackle and lament what could have been, then go for it. The team will must address these shortcomings and move on. And so will we. Just know you're not alone and that when they strap in on again in August, this team...our team...will need us again. But more importantly, we'll continue to need each other. I'm so appreciative of the relationships and moments in my life (highs and lows) created by this team and with you all. This Forum, in particular, brings me joy…ok, and sometimes frustration, but we’ve got each other. And that's why we care.
 

Go Bills!

Wow.  Thanks.  

1 hour ago, astb41 said:

came to boards to post the same sentiment as OP and glad to have read this.  I'm 38 years old.  Never lived in Buffalo, never even been to Buffalo, but been to many road games over the years.  I became a fan at 7 watching Jim Kelly, Thurm, Bruce and the rest.  Cried through 4 Super Bowl losses, and sat stunned watching music city, and years analyzing everything during drought like EJ Manuel practice pass completions.  Hell I was completely convinced signing TO was going to bring us a championship.

 

3 weeks ago I checked flights to Buffalo on a whim from SLC (live in Utah now) and they were extremely reasonable for AFC Championship weekend.  Hotel, car rental, everything super cheap.  I figured best not to wait until the week of and try and save some money so I booked everything (fully refundable) with the thinking that it's not very likely the Bills will host but hey if it works out I know I'm gonna want to be there for my first home game.  And then every single thing that needed to happen, happened.

 

During the coarse of the game, emotions were up and down, but after so many years of yelling and swearing over every play, I mostly sit quietly and let things play out.  Just me in the basement with my Bills blanket, JA white jersey, bills socks, and same pair of pants and underwear (washed) I wear for every game.  Why do I even do that?  Why do I only use the same coffee mug every gameday and never any other day of the week?

 

When the Bills got the ball down 5 with 8:55 to go in Q4, I knew this was it.  This was the drive.  They were gonna take the entire clock, and score to win this thing.  Literally tearing into my blanket repeating "I believe" over and over and over again.  And then Singletary gets tackled for a loss of 7 setting up 4th and 13 and it was like a building fell on top of me.  Remembering blowing it vs Houston 3 years ago.  Remembering last years AFC Champ loss to KC.  It can't end here on 4th and 13.  Not like this.  I believe.  I believe.  I believe.

 

Allen hits Davis in the endzone and the f***** miracle is happening.  Some "woo's" and clapping and watered eyes of joy.  BUT, theres 1:54 left which is obivously too much time for Mahomes.  Great.  Sat back down.  Face back in blanket.  I believe.  

 

A couple good defensive plays to star the drive, but then Kelce gets the 1st down.  Another incompletion.  And then...Tyreek goes for 60ish and the TD.  And I'll never forget this weird feeling of...back to normal.  I honestly smiled and laughed and felt calm.  I think it's because that's what life is as a Bills fan.  The opposite end of good things.  I need therapy.

 

BUT we still have Josh Allen.  I believe.  just over 1 min to go and then march down the field.  The pass to Davis, the pass to sanders.  The 4th and 4 scramble to extend the drive and save the season.  And then.... a f*****ing rocket to Davis down the middle for the TD and we're ahead.  I've never screamed, yelled, clapped or slammed my wall harder.  I literally started crying.  They did it.  They actually did it.  See we can have good things.  I'm going to Buffalo for my first Bills home game and it's the AFC championship with a trip to the Super Bowl on the line.  It was destiny.  Every single moment of frustration over this team in 30 years came out in those 30 seconds.

 

Ok great, gotta go for 2 just in case but c'mon there's 13 seconds left.  Allen scrambles, F*** we need this.  Hits Diggs in the back of the endzone.  Hell yea baby we did it.  I'm so glad there's only 13 seconds left they can't do sh***t with that, good thing it's not 25 or 30.  Who cares if they have 3 timeouts.  Who cares that the DEF got beat all game.  Maybe this is where the DB's step up and get a pick to seal it or just actually tackle someone.  Ok McD kick it deep.  Yea we're thinking kick it short to run time off but even if we kick to the 1 he might let it go in the endzone.  Or squibb it on the ground and the last group before the returner snags it at the 20 and maybe gets 5-10 yards so KC could have slightly better field position.  I get it.  Sure they'd have less time, but maybe that doesn't matter.  Play it safe and put them at the 25.  Not what I would do, but crap I'm not a coach what do I know, I trust you.  There's only 13 seconds left anyways.  I believe.

 

On the first play, watching the gap between the DL and the LBs and DBs was insane.  Playing TD prevent defense when all they need is a field goal.  Interesting strategy.  I was instantly back to my normal feeling.  The feeling of joy and happy tears evaporated as quickly as it came.  I believe.  Tyreek makes a catch.  Ok great, now they only need 1 or 2 plays and Butker could probably nail 70 yarder anyway, just our luck!  But there's no way the DEF comes out and plays that soft again since they only need 10-20 yards at this point.  I believe.  Kelce catches, timeout, time game.  Once we lost the coin toss I knew it was over.  I had no emotional investment in that period.  Still muttering I believe as KC marched down the field with ease to win the game and end our season.  End our best shot in 28 or so years at a Super Bowl. 

 

No trip to Buffalo for me.  None of the images of screaming with ya'll at Rich Stadium that danced in my head for 3 weeks were coming true.  I turned the game off once Kelce caught it in OT.  My wife and dog came down to console me.  My wife never watches with me, but someone found the game streaming free on nfl.com and watched the whole 4th quarter upstairs on her phone.  We laughed in shock and played with the dog.  An all too familiar feeling of close but no, maybe next year, and if only's. 

 

As the night wore on I got more sad.  I woke up probably every 20 minutes last night with my first thought being the ending.  I got up even more sad.  Teared up making breakfast.  Watched the opening segment of GMFB but turned it off after that even though I watch every morning with breakfast.  And now I'm here.  Searching for answers.  Searching for anything that can help.  Nothing has.  Maybe getting this off my chest will.  But I'm just so tired.  Tired of being good but not good enough.  That's what being a Bills fan has been to me for 30+ years.  Good but not good enough.  And maybe that's why I love them.  It's different for us right?  Different than the Bucs sucking forever and then stumbling upon Brady and winning it all.  We have to earn it right?  We have to enjoy the journey.  But I thought losing last year was the last bit of journey we needed.  I guess not.  I'm reminded of my favorite basketball team the Spurs, who dropped the 2013 NBA finals game 6 in similar fashion, with Allen hitting the corner 3.  They were able to take that and come back with a vengeance the next year and destroy the Heat to win the 2014 Finals.  Maybe the same happens with this Bills team.  But I thought last years lose to KC was that moment?

 

Who knows how many more moments we need to get over the hump.  But like all you other Bills fans, I live for the moments before 13 seconds.  I no longer cry or get angry over screw ups.  I cry and get emotional over the good things and the possibilities.  Of coming so close you can taste it.  I want to taste it.  I'm so used to the feeling of dread that it's just a part of everyday life now.  Maybe I really do need therapy.  But that's what being a sports fan is right?  Right?

 

But I can't wait for the moment of "good enough".  It's coming soon.  I believe.

And wow!  Thanks.

[BillsShredder83]

1 hour ago, astb41 said:

came to boards to post the same sentiment as OP and glad to have read this.  I'm 38 years old.  Never lived in Buffalo, never even been to Buffalo, but been to many road games over the years.  I became a fan at 7 watching Jim Kelly, Thurm, Bruce and the rest.  Cried through 4 Super Bowl losses, and sat stunned watching music city, and years analyzing everything during drought like EJ Manuel practice pass completions.  Hell I was completely convinced signing TO was going to bring us a championship.

 

3 weeks ago I checked flights to Buffalo on a whim from SLC (live in Utah now) and they were extremely reasonable for AFC Championship weekend.  Hotel, car rental, everything super cheap.  I figured best not to wait until the week of and try and save some money so I booked everything (fully refundable) with the thinking that it's not very likely the Bills will host but hey if it works out I know I'm gonna want to be there for my first home game.  And then every single thing that needed to happen, happened.

 

During the coarse of the game, emotions were up and down, but after so many years of yelling and swearing over every play, I mostly sit quietly and let things play out.  Just me in the basement with my Bills blanket, JA white jersey, bills socks, and same pair of pants and underwear (washed) I wear for every game.  Why do I even do that?  Why do I only use the same coffee mug every gameday and never any other day of the week?

 

When the Bills got the ball down 5 with 8:55 to go in Q4, I knew this was it.  This was the drive.  They were gonna take the entire clock, and score to win this thing.  Literally tearing into my blanket repeating "I believe" over and over and over again.  And then Singletary gets tackled for a loss of 7 setting up 4th and 13 and it was like a building fell on top of me.  Remembering blowing it vs Houston 3 years ago.  Remembering last years AFC Champ loss to KC.  It can't end here on 4th and 13.  Not like this.  I believe.  I believe.  I believe.

 

Allen hits Davis in the endzone and the f***** miracle is happening.  Some "woo's" and clapping and watered eyes of joy.  BUT, theres 1:54 left which is obivously too much time for Mahomes.  Great.  Sat back down.  Face back in blanket.  I believe.  

 

A couple good defensive plays to star the drive, but then Kelce gets the 1st down.  Another incompletion.  And then...Tyreek goes for 60ish and the TD.  And I'll never forget this weird feeling of...back to normal.  I honestly smiled and laughed and felt calm.  I think it's because that's what life is as a Bills fan.  The opposite end of good things.  I need therapy.

 

BUT we still have Josh Allen.  I believe.  just over 1 min to go and then march down the field.  The pass to Davis, the pass to sanders.  The 4th and 4 scramble to extend the drive and save the season.  And then.... a f*****ing rocket to Davis down the middle for the TD and we're ahead.  I've never screamed, yelled, clapped or slammed my wall harder.  I literally started crying.  They did it.  They actually did it.  See we can have good things.  I'm going to Buffalo for my first Bills home game and it's the AFC championship with a trip to the Super Bowl on the line.  It was destiny.  Every single moment of frustration over this team in 30 years came out in those 30 seconds.

 

Ok great, gotta go for 2 just in case but c'mon there's 13 seconds left.  Allen scrambles, F*** we need this.  Hits Diggs in the back of the endzone.  Hell yea baby we did it.  I'm so glad there's only 13 seconds left they can't do sh***t with that, good thing it's not 25 or 30.  Who cares if they have 3 timeouts.  Who cares that the DEF got beat all game.  Maybe this is where the DB's step up and get a pick to seal it or just actually tackle someone.  Ok McD kick it deep.  Yea we're thinking kick it short to run time off but even if we kick to the 1 he might let it go in the endzone.  Or squibb it on the ground and the last group before the returner snags it at the 20 and maybe gets 5-10 yards so KC could have slightly better field position.  I get it.  Sure they'd have less time, but maybe that doesn't matter.  Play it safe and put them at the 25.  Not what I would do, but crap I'm not a coach what do I know, I trust you.  There's only 13 seconds left anyways.  I believe.

 

On the first play, watching the gap between the DL and the LBs and DBs was insane.  Playing TD prevent defense when all they need is a field goal.  Interesting strategy.  I was instantly back to my normal feeling.  The feeling of joy and happy tears evaporated as quickly as it came.  I believe.  Tyreek makes a catch.  Ok great, now they only need 1 or 2 plays and Butker could probably nail 70 yarder anyway, just our luck!  But there's no way the DEF comes out and plays that soft again since they only need 10-20 yards at this point.  I believe.  Kelce catches, timeout, time game.  Once we lost the coin toss I knew it was over.  I had no emotional investment in that period.  Still muttering I believe as KC marched down the field with ease to win the game and end our season.  End our best shot in 28 or so years at a Super Bowl. 

 

No trip to Buffalo for me.  None of the images of screaming with ya'll at Rich Stadium that danced in my head for 3 weeks were coming true.  I turned the game off once Kelce caught it in OT.  My wife and dog came down to console me.  My wife never watches with me, but someone found the game streaming free on nfl.com and watched the whole 4th quarter upstairs on her phone.  We laughed in shock and played with the dog.  An all too familiar feeling of close but no, maybe next year, and if only's. 

 

As the night wore on I got more sad.  I woke up probably every 20 minutes last night with my first thought being the ending.  I got up even more sad.  Teared up making breakfast.  Watched the opening segment of GMFB but turned it off after that even though I watch every morning with breakfast.  And now I'm here.  Searching for answers.  Searching for anything that can help.  Nothing has.  Maybe getting this off my chest will.  But I'm just so tired.  Tired of being good but not good enough.  That's what being a Bills fan has been to me for 30+ years.  Good but not good enough.  And maybe that's why I love them.  It's different for us right?  Different than the Bucs sucking forever and then stumbling upon Brady and winning it all.  We have to earn it right?  We have to enjoy the journey.  But I thought losing last year was the last bit of journey we needed.  I guess not.  I'm reminded of my favorite basketball team the Spurs, who dropped the 2013 NBA finals game 6 in similar fashion, with Allen hitting the corner 3.  They were able to take that and come back with a vengeance the next year and destroy the Heat to win the 2014 Finals.  Maybe the same happens with this Bills team.  But I thought last years lose to KC was that moment?

 

Who knows how many more moments we need to get over the hump.  But like all you other Bills fans, I live for the moments before 13 seconds.  I no longer cry or get angry over screw ups.  I cry and get emotional over the good things and the possibilities.  Of coming so close you can taste it.  I want to taste it.  I'm so used to the feeling of dread that it's just a part of everyday life now.  Maybe I really do need therapy.  But that's what being a sports fan is right?  Right?

 

But I can't wait for the moment of "good enough".  It's coming soon.  I believe.

thx for sharing brother. you basically narrated my entire night. glad you got that out, i think most of us are here to cope today. no words left other than GO BILLS and best to you and yours!

[LOVEMESOMEBILLS]

8 minutes ago, BillsShredder83 said:

I cant believe i even had the guts to come to TBD today. I was 11 when forward lateral happened.  It wrecked me, looking back the only thing comparable id felt was putting a dog to sleep.  Few months later No Goal. Both those plays make me nauseous and instantly take me back to that feeling at 11.

 

I dont know why i get so invested either, and im reflecting a bit on that today.  Dont care how corny it is, im in nc, no bills fans i know personally here, so i came to grieve a bit with yall. Thx for the post and the perspective brother

 

Hang in there bud. I've watched the drop by Ronnie Harmon in the AFCCG in Cleveland. I was 18 years old when I watched wide right, it crushed me. Then came the Titans and their forward lateral.

 

 Last night stung a bit, but it feels very much different than the rest of those and here's why. At the beginning of the year if people were asked which young player would you take to start a team, it was Mahomes and by a mile at that. 

 

 But this year's playoffs have changed that narrative some. Now there would be just as many or at least close to as many people that would take Allen over Mahomes. Mahomes had all the advantages, playing at home, better coaching, better playmakers & the absence of our injured Pro Bowl CB Tre White. Yet even with all those advantages it took everything he had and then some to beat Allen in OT. If they swapped teams I think Allen would've won by double digits.

 

 Another narrative put to bed is that some games are just too big for Josh. In the playoffs this year, against our past nemesis and current one Josh led the offense to 12 TDs on 16 Drives. That excludes the kneel down at the end of the pats*** game. That's scoring a TD on 75% of all drives against 2 good defenses. We averaged 41.5 points a game.

 

 The future is bright my Bills friend. There's no doubt in my mind that Josh will use this as motivation this offseason and come back better than ever.  Also there's no doubt we have the best QB in the league, the ultimate weapon. The guy who will be wrecking defensive gameplans for the next 12-15 years.