Being with Someone When They Die

[ExiledInIllinois]

My sister's were with our mom in 1999.  My father was alone in 2019. My brother had just left hospital.

 

I never really asked my sisters.

Edited February 20, 2020 by ExiledInIllinois

[Augie]

4 minutes ago, BringBackFergy said:

Thx Augie. Good stuff. Interesting thing is - it’s different for everyone. Unique in all cases. For those who have not been with someone when a person takes their last breath, it’s a whole new outlook on life IMO. 

 

I have not been there at the very end for a person, but I’ll always do everything possible to be there for the end for my dogs. My last Golden was the first time I was there at the end, and I never want it to be any other way going forward (and I have a 10 year old and maybe a puppy on the horizon).

 

Losing a parent is tough, but it’s part of the process as it is meant to be. There are even greater challenges, I’m afraid. Going back to high school I was reading books about life after life, and I’ve read more sporadically over the decades. In the last few years I’ve read and explored far more, and it’s changed my outlook.  I feel better for the new perspective.  

 

I do not take life for granted the way I used to. It ends in this world for all of us, and it’s a chance to do the right thing every day. Little things to us can be big things to others. You never know how much you can help others without much effort. A kind word, a simple gesture. I take joy in looking for silly little things that make people smile or put them at ease. 

[Wacka]

Dad knew is lung tumor was inoperable from when he got the diagnosis.  It was also growing around the nerve to his heart.  Lasted about 18 months through chemo and radiation before the cancer started winning again. He was in the oncology ward at Mercy for a few weeks. Voice had gotten horse and then cleared up a few days before the end. He got to reminisce with  relatives and us.  On Sunday (9/30/90) i had gone to the Bills game  where they came back and scored 3 TiDs in 77 seconds.   Mom was visiting with him all day Monday and I went about 5 pM to visit and to pick her up. He was saying he couldn't really sleep and that it felt like knitting needles were  being used in his chest. I got to tell him about the great game and then he said he wanted to try to sleep and we should go home.  He started coughing up a massive amount of blood . We called for the nurses and  he died then.  I believe the  tumor  finally weakened the vessels in his lung and he drowned on his blood.

 

Now 30 years later my mother..who is 93 is going down hill. We had a scare a year ago  with her getting pneumonia. She had about 3 weeks in a nursing home, but she pulled through.  I am the major caregiver now at home. She has some dementia (I have to fill in the details for the Bills and Sabres games) but is not totally out of it.  It takes two of us to help her get out of bed and into a wheelchair and the out of the chair and on the toilet and then to  clean her up ( very poor balance and getting weaker as time goes by).  She may have months left or she may be a stubborn  Polska  and stick around for another year. 

 

Her dad (from the old country  and born in 1888) lived until age 94. She had 8 siblings. One is going to be 90 any day now  and goes Polkaing  with her boyfriend,  All the other 7 died between the ages of 83 and 98.  My mom is now the second oldest.

Edited February 20, 2020 by Wacka

[CowgirlsFan]

My first experience was at age 15. It was

my maternal great grandmother. I don't know the cause.

 

The next was my Dad ( he's the reason I am so much the sports fan ) 1998.   He either fell and hit his head or had a stroke.

 

The next one was my Mother in 2015. She had smoked for 45 years and her lungs just wore out.

 

I consider myself fortunate. Each one just took their last breath. 

Edited February 20, 2020 by CowgirlsFan
Misspell

[BringBackFergy]

1 hour ago, Wacka said:

Dad nknew is lung tumor was inoperable frpm when he got the diagnosis.  It was also growing around the nerve to his heart.  Lasted about 18 months through chemo and radiation before the cancer started winning again. He was in the oncology ward at Mercy for a few weeks. Vice had gotten hours and then cleared up a few days before the end. He got to reminisce with  relative and us.  On Sunday (9/30/90) i had gone to the Bills game  where they came back and scored 3 TiDs in 77 seconds.   Mom was visiting with him all day Monday and I went about 5 pM to visit and to pick her up. He was saying he couldn't really sleep and that it felt like knitting needles were  being used in his chest. I got to tell him about the great game and then he said he wanted to try to sleep and we should go home.  He started coughing up a massive amount of blood . We called for the nurses and  he died then.  I believe the  tumor  finally weakened the vessels in his lung and he drowned on his blood.

 

Now 30 years later my mother..who is 93 is going down hill. We had a scare year ago  with her getting pneumonia. She had about 3 weeks in a nursing home, but she pulled through.  I am the major caregiver now at home. She has some demensia (I have to fill in the details for the Bills and Sabres games) but is not totally out of it.  It takes two of us to help her get out of bed and into a wheelchair and the out of the chair and on the toilet and then to  clean her up ( very poor balance and getting weaker as time goes by).  She may have months left or she may be a stubborn  Polska  and stick around for another year. 

 

Her dad (from the old country  and born in 1888) lived until age 94. She had 8 siblings. One is going to be 90 any day now  and goes Polkaing  with her boyfriend,  All the other 7 died between the ages of 83 and 98.  My mom is now the second oldest.

Oh man. So tough re. your Dad. Glad you could be there for him. I suppose he hung on for you to get there and talk about the game. Strong man. 

[Cripple Creek]

6 minutes ago, BringBackFergy said:

Oh man. So tough re. your Dad. Glad you could be there for him. I suppose he hung on for you to get there and talk about the game. Strong man. 

It is really all about the sharing. It’s been mentioned several times in this thread. Not just sharing with the person who is dying, but, the other family members and friends talking about old times; laughing, crying and everything in between.

 

You remember and remembering is very good.

[Augie]

11 hours ago, Cripple Creek said:

It is really all about the sharing. It’s been mentioned several times in this thread. Not just sharing with the person who is dying, but, the other family members and friends talking about old times; laughing, crying and everything in between.

 

You remember and remembering is very good.

 

When my dad was dying my two sisters and I were all staying at my mom’s. We took turns cooking meals and stayed up late while drinking too much wine. We remembered the funny old stories, and came clean on “what really happened” on certain occasions. 

 

It had been decades since we were all together without at least one spouse present. Just one spouse changes the dynamics completely. That’s not a bad thing, but it’s just a fact. It was a very special time that we all look back on fondly, despite the reason for our being together. 

 

ALSO - may God bless those people who work in Hospice! It was a great experience for us, but I just cannot imagine spending every working day with individuals and families as they deal with the end of this world. I don’t know that I could do it, but the people around us during that time were absolutely amazing! 

 

 

.

Edited February 20, 2020 by Augie