PromoTheRobot Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 (edited) I'll try to make this concise. Two days ago I got a call from my father's nursing home in Florida that he went to the hospital. Right after I got a call from my dad's elder advocate. Nice woman. Really helped explain what was happening. So last night I get the call from the hospital that Dad passed on. This morning the advocate called with info on how to handle his burial. She was talking with the nursing home and looking at Dad's papers, accounts, etc. But here's what I thought was odd, she kind of discouraged me from flying to Florida. You'd think that they'd want me there. Is my spidey-sense tingling for a good reason? Edited January 23, 2020 by PromoTheRobot 1
Ridgewaycynic2013 Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 If you had discussions with your father regarding this eventuality, I would go with those guidelines. As for the advocate, who appoints that person? The facility in consultation with the client and the family? If your father had end of life directives in place, there might not be a need for your presence now. Legal matters and memorial observations could always come later. My condolences on your father’s passing. 1 1
Taro T Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 3 hours ago, PromoTheRobot said: I'll try to make this concise. Two days ago I got a call from my father's nursing home in Florida that he went to the hospital. Right after I got a call from my dad's elder advocate. Nice woman. Really helped explain what was happening. So last night I get the call from the hospital that Dad passed on. This morning the advocate called with info on how to handle his burial. She was talking with the nursing home and looking at Dad's papers, accounts, etc. But here's what I thought was odd, she kind of discouraged me from flying to Florida. You'd think that they'd want me there. Is my spidey-sense tingling for a good reason? 1st off, condolences on the passing of your father. 2nd, if you want to be there, head down. But it doesn't surprise me that an "elder advocate" would prefer not to have grieving family around. That person will likely be trying to help with the final arrangements and also helping track down the will and getting your father's belongings back to you or other relatives from the nursing home. Have to believe that the advocate's job is easier without you and your family there and the person was looking at it from the logistics perspective. But, if you want to be there, and it will help you with the grieving process, go. Being there yourself and seeing that he and your family are not being taken advantage of and the peace of mind that comes with it is probably well worth that 1/2 price plane ticket & the rest. 1 1
shrader Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 Let's face it, the funeral is far more for you and any other family/friends who would be there than it is your father. As taro said, if you want to be there, go. Sorry for your loss. 1
Guffalo Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 Sorry for your loss. I am not an expert, but if he has a will in place, I would think that could set forth the final wishes of your Dad. If he had made arangements or agreements with the elder advocate as to his final decisions, I would ask her for copies of such agreements. Are there any siblings that may have copies of the agreements or the will? Did he have a local attorney down there that would have filed a will and guardianship documents? Thats where I would start. I would also follow my "spidey senses" and take a trip down there to check in on any other things that the nursing home may need to close out his account, and to retrieve any items he may have left behind. 1
JohnC Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 Sorry for your loss. Where is your father going to be buried? If it is in Florida I would go down there. If your father is going to be shipped back north for a memorial service and burial is the advocate going to make the arrangements through a funeral home or through the nursing home? I can't recommend that you go down there or not based on the incomplete information but I would recommend that you maintain communication with the nursing home and the advocate whether you go down there or not. When my mother passed away she was in a nursing home in California where my brother and sister lived. The memorial service was going to be held in Buffalo. If I recall correctly ??? I believe the funeral home in Buffalo made the arrangements for the shipping and permits. If there are other siblings or relatives involved with the arrangements I recommend that you stay in close contact and communicate over what your father's wishes were. Again, sorry for your loss. 1
BuffaloBud Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 Godspeed to your dad PTR. Did the advocate provide any reasons for not traveling? Knowing me and my "spidey sense", I'd be down there on the next flight. He's your family, the the advocates. 1
Gray Beard Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 So very sorry for your loss. I would want a family member to be there in person to oversee the closing of accounts, deciding what to do with belongings, etc. If you don’t know of arrangements that were made by your father, then it seems like it could be suspicious. It could be that there isn’t much in the way of money or belongings, so you wouldn’t really have much to do. At some point wouldn’t a lawyer have to be involved? 1
CowgirlsFan Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 RIP My heartfelt condolences to everyone. 1
PromoTheRobot Posted January 23, 2020 Author Posted January 23, 2020 25 minutes ago, BuffaloBud said: Godspeed to your dad PTR. Did the advocate provide any reasons for not traveling? Knowing me and my "spidey sense", I'd be down there on the next flight. He's your family, the the advocates. Mostly it's not really knowing who this woman is. Although it sounds she's been helping my dad for a while. Thank you for your heartfelt wishes. He lived a long life and I'm grateful he didn't linger in his final condition.
Nanker Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 (edited) Sorry for your loss @PromoTheRobot. My condolences. 2 hours ago, Guffalo said: Sorry for your loss. I am not an expert, but if he has a will in place, I would think that could set forth the final wishes of your Dad. If he had made arangements or agreements with the elder advocate as to his final decisions, I would ask her for copies of such agreements. Are there any siblings that may have copies of the agreements or the will? Did he have a local attorney down there that would have filed a will and guardianship documents? Thats where I would start. I would also follow my "spidey senses" and take a trip down there to check in on any other things that the nursing home may need to close out his account, and to retrieve any items he may have left behind. Most people don't know that there is no "reading of the will" with family/heirs present. It's really up to the executor/executrix to file for probate and execute the will. That said, there's NO requirement that the executor actually follow the wishes of the deceased in their will. The questions I'd ask her is where did she come from? Who appointed her and when? Who has custody of the will? Who is named the executor/executrix in the will? Is there a will, or did he pass on intestate? If the latter, the probate judge will appoint one, and they are allowed to take money from the estate for the work that they do, e.g., settling Dr. bills, filing insurance claims, contacting Social Security about the death, selling or distributing the deceased's belongings - which includes bank accounts, stocks, bonds, autos, and other personal property. You should also ask if your father established a Trust, and if so, what kind is it, and what assets did he assign to it. Trusts get passed directly to the heirs mentioned in it, and all those assets do NOT go through probate, so the heirs can get them in a day or two. Probate can take a long time. I believe I would make the trip. You'd have a better sense for what happened and what's going on. My wife and I have some experience in this. Both my parents passed years ago, and her mother passed several years ago too. She had been living with us for over three years, and the Dr. bills, etc. keep coming for years after. Good luck, and again, my condolences Promo. Edited January 23, 2020 by Nanker 1 1
Just Jack Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 My wife is a social worker in palliative care and she says go there..... Quote Uh, yeah. My Spidey sense is tingling. If he is next of kin and power of attorney/health care proxy then he needs to be there. She could honestly just be a good Samaritan, but still, he's the son and should absolutely make an attempt to get down there. I know there is a lot more to the story, but I have never informed family to not come when a loved one passed. 1
Cripple Creek Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 9 hours ago, PromoTheRobot said: I'll try to make this concise. Two days ago I got a call from my father's nursing home in Florida that he went to the hospital. Right after I got a call from my dad's elder advocate. Nice woman. Really helped explain what was happening. So last night I get the call from the hospital that Dad passed on. This morning the advocate called with info on how to handle his burial. She was talking with the nursing home and looking at Dad's papers, accounts, etc. But here's what I thought was odd, she kind of discouraged me from flying to Florida. You'd think that they'd want me there. Is my spidey-sense tingling for a good reason? Sorry for your loss Promo. I have no experience with an advocate. 1
KD in CA Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 Consoldences PTR. Yeah I'd be a little suspicious. This woman may be legit, but you and his other heirs need to quickly establish that this woman hasn't wormed into his financial dealings, moved into his house to establish residency, etc. I don't know a ton about it, but understand scamming seniors is a huge businesses. Probably worth a plane ticket to check things out. 1
Augie Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 (edited) I’m so sorry for your loss. Even when you know it’s coming, it can still rock you. Been there.... We lived in Florida for 18 years. I have no idea who you are dealing with, and can’t judge in a situation like this, but I will say we saw countless situations where caregivers took advantage of the elderly. It was in the news all the time. Like a little cottage industry with caregivers getting check writing privileges on older folks accounts. Some was legit bill paying, some went to the dark side. Trust your gut. If you feel good about the situation, fine. If not? An eye on things won’t hurt anything. I think my biggest question is what, EXACTLY, is the definition of an “elder advocate” in Florida and what legal powers does she have? That would concern me until I had an answer. . Edited January 24, 2020 by Augie 1
mead107 Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 Sorry for your loss. I would head down but , that’s me 1
cgg716 Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 My condolences PTR... I worked in banking for many years and dealt with account closures and things of the sort many times, every state has slightly different rules, but generally, an elder advocate would have little to no say regarding finances, not related to final expenses, and certainly no authority to close accounts, unless your father specifically granted that permission in writing. Any other questions feel free to reach out 1
PromoTheRobot Posted January 24, 2020 Author Posted January 24, 2020 12 minutes ago, cgg716 said: My condolences PTR... I worked in banking for many years and dealt with account closures and things of the sort many times, every state has slightly different rules, but generally, an elder advocate would have little to no say regarding finances, not related to final expenses, and certainly no authority to close accounts, unless your father specifically granted that permission in writing. Any other questions feel free to reach out This advocate seems to be doing all the right things. She doesn't have account access or anything like that. But she is working to keep Dad's wife, who has advanced dementia, in the same facility they've been in for years. I'll get down there eventually but it all looks to be good now. 4
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