Your funniest altered state of mind thoughts

[Royale with Cheese]

I always have my ottoman too far away from my feet so I never use it.  It’s a nice and expensive one too.  $400...and I never use it.

 

Now I can’t find the fork I was flipping my bacon with.  Now I’m missing a fork and have to dirty another one.

[Augie]

9 minutes ago, Royale with Cheese said:

 

I also just poured unsweetened tea in my wonton soup.  I was going for the cup and missed by 10 inches.  I don’t know what I’m doing tonight.

Well, 10 inches is impressive? 

[Royale with Cheese]

&

Edited August 1, 2019 by Royale with Cheese
No

[Augie]

2 minutes ago, Royale with Cheese said:

&

 

Funniest moments was a cool idea. Play by play is a step above! ? 

[Royale with Cheese]

Just now, Augie said:

 

Funniest moments was a cool idea. Play by play is a step above! ? 

 

I found the damn fork.  It was in the bowl where I had wonton soup that I accidentally poured unsweetened tea in.  Why was I trying to use a fork to eat wonton soup?

[Augie]

Just now, Royale with Cheese said:

 

I found the damn fork.  It was in the bowl where I had wonton soup that I accidentally poured unsweetened tea in.  Why was I trying to use a fork to eat wonton soup?

 

Are you dieting? 

 

Do you remember if you are dieting...I should have asked? 

[Royale with Cheese]

Just now, Augie said:

 

Are you dieting? 

 

I have two bacon forks, that means no dieting.

[Augie]

7 minutes ago, Royale with Cheese said:

 

I have two bacon forks, that means no dieting.

 

Is that a fork made of bacon, or a fork to eat/cook bacon? Either way, a fork to eat soup sounds like a bad plan. 

[4merper4mer]

I had a friend named Brian Temple who got stoned and thought he could jump in the swimming pool from the 3rd story.  He only missed by inches but that was enough.  Be careful dudes.

[Augie]

A bit off topic, but.....

 

OK, I might have been having a drink at home one night, but this is not MY experience. I’m sitting there watching TV late one night and I hear a big boom/crunch out front. It’s like a 15 mph zone, with an island in the middle of a curvy short stretch. I race out to see what has happened. There is a car on the far side of the road....upside down, on top of the mailbox.

 

The babysitter across the road comes rushing out, house phone in hand. She’s calling the parents who have an upside down car in their front yard. The driver climbs out of the upturned car, rips the phone away from the babysitter , makes a call and I hear him say   ”Mom, I did it again.”

 

I couldn’t make that up. As tow trucks and police start arriving, I look in front of my house. It was a cold night, and I thought it was interesting that the passenger window was down. It made sense when I found Budweiser bottles tossed in my front yard. He tossed the bottles, went too fast, went up a burm, hit the palm tree.....and ended up upside down on the neighbors mailbox. I never said anything to the cops, picked up the beer bottles in the morning, and now hope I didn’t do him a disservice by making him face the music at the time. I’ll never know what was best for him or right. Life’s decisions....

[transient]

Sophomore year in college me and two friends decided to splurge and go in together on a bag of Northern Lights.  We had the brilliant idea, after smoking half the bag... and eating half of an industrial sized container of Sysco peanut butter with our fingers, to head off to the closest dining hall in the middle of the dinner rush.  On the way we run into two freshmen guys from our dorm who join us and quickly realize we're baked off of our asses.  A few minutes later we run into a bunch of girls from two of the neighboring dorms who also decide to join us but don't seem to realize we're a bit of a mess. 

 

As we sit down one of my friends just keeps yammering on an on about some inane thing and won't STFU while the other has a plate of food stacked up to his chin that he's devouring like he was just rescued from a deserted island.  From what I can tell our cadre is staring at them partially in knowing amusement, partially in confusion. 

 

Me? I'm convinced I can hear every single conversation in the place so I'm sitting quietly and focusing on them... until the girl sitting next to me literally shakes me to ask me if I'm alright.  Apparently the one conversation I couldn't hear was the one she had been trying to initiate for the last few minutes with me.  My stereotypical "Hey, what's up maaaan?" reaction to her as though she had just sat down definitively clued the rest of the group in.  I remember explaining to her that I could hear everything... and I remember her begging me, successfully... fortunately?... unfortunately?... not to go over to the table on the other side of the dining hall and recount whatever it was that I thought they were talking about to them in order to prove I had superhuman THC-augmented hearing... which to this day I'm not so sure wasn't a real thing.

[Augie]

9 minutes ago, transient said:

Sophomore year in college me and two friends decided to splurge and go in together on a bag of Northern Lights.  We had the brilliant idea, after smoking half the bag... and eating half of an industrial sized container of Sysco peanut butter with our fingers, to head off to the closest dining hall in the middle of the dinner rush.  On the way we run into two freshmen guys from our dorm who join us and quickly realize we're baked off of our asses.  A few minutes later we run into a bunch of girls from two of the neighboring dorms who also decide to join us but don't seem to realize we're a bit of a mess. 

 

As we sit down one of my friends just keeps yammering on an on about some inane thing and won't STFU while the other has a plate of food stacked up to his chin that he's devouring like he was just rescued from a deserted island.  From what I can tell our cadre is staring at them partially in knowing amusement, partially in confusion. 

 

Me? I'm convinced I can hear every single conversation in the place so I'm sitting quietly and focusing on them... until the girl sitting next to me literally shakes me to ask me if I'm alright.  Apparently the one conversation I couldn't hear was the one she had been trying to initiate for the last few minutes with me.  My stereotypical "Hey, what's up maaaan?" reaction to her as though she had just sat down definitively clued the rest of the group in.  I remember explaining to her that I could hear everything... and I remember her begging me, successfully... fortunately?... unfortunately?... not to go over to the table on the other side of the dining hall and recount whatever it was that I thought they were talking about to them in order to prove I had superhuman THC-augmented hearing... which to this day I'm not so sure wasn't a real thing.

Well that explains.......................nothing!    

 

 

?

[transient]

4 minutes ago, Augie said:

Well that explains.......................nothing!    

 

 

?

 

Maybe so, but it's still more insightful than random ampersands and non sequiturs.  

[SlimShady'sSpaceForce]

I think this guy is a candidate 

 

https://www.yahoo.com/news/man-opens-fire-national-park-082115998.html

 

A gun-wielding camper has opened fire in an American national park – because he says he saw Bigfoot.

 

The man, who has not been named, offloaded several rounds at Mammoth Cave, in Kentucky, after telling other overnight visitors the half-man-half-ape had lunged at him.

[Royale with Cheese]

Okay so I kept seeing a flickering light coming and going in my living room.

 

I thought I could be potentially seeing some sort of ghost orb.  It was bright and didn’t move.  I was in total shock what I was seeing.

 

After further review, it was the candle behind me.  When my TV would go black, it would reflect the flickering light.  
 

[Gugny]

4 minutes ago, Royale with Cheese said:

Okay so I kept seeing a flickering light coming and going in my living room.

 

I thought I could be potentially seeing some sort of ghost orb.  It was bright and didn’t move.  I was in total shock what I was seeing.

 

After further review, it was the candle behind me.  When my TV would go black, it would reflect the flickering light.  
 

 

Thank you for confirming that you're a moron.

[Royale with Cheese]

Just now, Gugny said:

 

Thank you for confirming that you're a moron.

I ate a whole cookie.

[Gugny]

Just now, Royale with Cheese said:

I ate a whole cookie.

 

What was on the cookie?

[Royale with Cheese]

3 minutes ago, Gugny said:

 

What was on the cookie?

Chocolate chip.

[Gugny]

1 minute ago, Royale with Cheese said:

Chocolate chip.

 

Frosted?