Anyone ever go through a divorce with a child?

[Hapless Bills Fan]

41 minutes ago, Royale with Cheese said:

 

Thanks for the advice.  I actually work for a packaging company that makes cardboard boxes.  The GM at one plant told me if I need any boxes for anything, just come by and she'll give me a lot.  I can build a wicked fort out of this.

 

You bet, just let the kid drive whatcha do.

 

Quote

For the past few years, as a family we would go down to Florida in the summer for vacation.  This past summer, my son didn't want to go in the ocean.  We were staying at my friends condo that had a pool.  We were at the pool every day and not the ocean.  We could have saved a ton of money by just staying home and going to the neighborhood pool.

 

Exactly.   (though it's cool to go because YOU want to go to Florida)

 

I know so many divorced parents where the Mom takes the kid to Incredible Pizza Co so Dad takes him to Six Flags so Mom books Disney World so Dad....

These are just ordinary folks with rent, mortgage, car payment who get sucked up in it.  I can see it, you can read this and see it, but if I asked them why they were competing with their ex they'd be "Hey.  What.  Huh?"

[Royale with Cheese]

2 hours ago, Hapless Bills Fan said:

 

You bet, just let the kid drive whatcha do.

 

 

Exactly.   (though it's cool to go because YOU want to go to Florida)

 

I know so many divorced parents where the Mom takes the kid to Incredible Pizza Co so Dad takes him to Six Flags so Mom books Disney World so Dad....

These are just ordinary folks with rent, mortgage, car payment who get sucked up in it.  I can see it, you can read this and see it, but if I asked them why they were competing with their ex they'd be "Hey.  What.  Huh?"

 

I've got to have that conversation with her tonight about competing with each other.  We need to come to an agreement that we are not going to do that to each other.

[GaryPinC]

34 minutes ago, Royale with Cheese said:

 

I've got to have that conversation with her tonight about competing with each other.  We need to come to an agreement that we are not going to do that to each other.

Do you really need to?  You make significantly more money and you're not going to trust her on this one?  And if you both agree on it, what happens later on if you feel she's competing or trying to one up you and she doesn't agree?  You going to tell her what's what?

 

The bigger point from the good info Hapless was giving you is that it doesn't take much to create special moments with your child, find and worry about your own efforts, not hers.  Most of what kids will truly enjoy are not expensive, and it's mostly about how much you participate with them.  Quality time doing things that they enjoy.  My kids love the outdoors and we have so many good memories camping and going to county park programs.  That stuff's free or little cost.  I've told them multiple times if they want to go to Disneyland ask their mom, the mountains and outdoors is more my style.

 

My ex frequently plans something special to do with the kids when she finds out I'm doing something like taking a trip with them.  It's borne out of insecurity and you might find yourself there, also.  But it gets her spending quality time and that's good for the kids.  She doesn't mean it to be competitive.  Plus, you can always invite the ex along for your plans if you feel that strongly about it.

 

Your son will want his own special relationship with you based on what you do, no matter what his mom does.  Focus on that, not mom.  She'll have her own life that you can't control.

 

 

[BUFFALOKIE]

Yes. I got the kids. I got the house.

 

Mine was a horrible situation, and I had no choice except to be cut throat.

 

Good luck brother.

[Dablitzkrieg]

I'm really sorry to hear this.  I echo everything else said in this thread.  NYS will screw the father.  Get a lawyer and document everything!

[Steptide]

On 9/19/2018 at 8:24 AM, Royale with Cheese said:

So my wife and I have officially filed for divorce.  Just waiting for my lawyer and her lawyer to review the paper work to sign off.

 

We're being very amicable towards each other.  Nothing contested (so far) on our end.  We still do get a long, we're in the process of selling our house and living in our existing house together for the next month or so.  We're splitting everything 50/50 except 401K...she's not going to take any of mine.  Instead of child support, I'll pay her health insurance since she can't be on mine now.  I'm also giving her a good chunk of my savings.  We're both being very good to each other right now.

 

I didn't want to be in the relationship anymore but at the same time, it's still pretty hard because I've been with her for 6 years....and we have a 3 year old.

We tried to explain to him last night what was happening and he wasn't getting it.  We just said that we aren't going to live much longer in this house and we will now have two houses.  He seemed excited.

 

If anyone has been through this, any advice?  What should I expect?

Sorry I'm late to the thread. I went through almost this exact situation with my first wife. Biggest difference was that when my wife left, I couldn't afford the house and bills on just my salary. I did everything possible to save the house and/or sell it, but in the end it got foreclosed. Other than that we split everything and neither of us took any money from one another. 

 

Now on to the important part. Our daughter was 3 when all this happened. You can't explain it to them. They're way to young to understand. However, there WILL be negative consequences. When kids start to realize things arnt like before, they act out. Maybe not in a bad behavior kind of way, but they will do things due to the divorce. I'm not saying every child will do this, I'm just speaking from my experience. Even now with our child being 9, I can still see the re percussions from our divorce. There's just something completely un natural to a child when their parents aren't together. I'm not saying anything to scare you, just speaking from my personal experience. At the end of the day, I'm very happy I'm divorced from my ex, however I do wish for my daughter's sake, that she never had to go through that at a young, vulnerable age. 

[ExiledInIllinois]

13 hours ago, Royale with Cheese said:

 

It is tongue and cheek but I'm actually a good drunk when I do get to that level.  I become Mr. Positive and love everyone.  I'm like Otis from the Andy Griffith Show.

Yeah... But where did Otis sleep @ night!

 

?

[eball]

How to go through a divorce with a child?  I think the bigger question is how you married the child in the first place.

[Just Jack]

11 hours ago, Steptide said:

Sorry I'm late to the thread. I went through almost this exact situation with my first wife. Biggest difference was that when my wife left, I couldn't afford the house and bills on just my salary. I did everything possible to save the house and/or sell it, but in the end it got foreclosed. Other than that we split everything and neither of us took any money from one another. 

 

This is something for people to consider also. On paper, it looked like I could afford to keep the house in my name only. But I ended up burning through my 401K in a year (there wasn't much in there) in order to keep up with the bills I had, plus the added expenses of having one income. And I know if the wife had tried to keep it, she would have been worse off than I was. 

[LeGOATski]

Does anyone actually stay married anymore?

6 hours ago, eball said:

How to go through a divorce with a child?  I think the bigger question is how you married the child in the first place.

It's a solid joke, but it was made a few pages ago.

[Fadingpain]

2 hours ago, LeGOATski said:

Does anyone actually stay married anymore?

It's a solid joke, but it was made a few pages ago.

About half of all marriages end with some type of permanent dissolution.

 

It is not as easy to calculate as you might think, b/c a percentage of marriages end with permanent separation, but no actual divorce.

 

Actual divorce rates, as of 2010, were 43% to 46%.

 

The average length of marriage that ends in divorce in America is @ 8 years.

 

 

[Augie]

2 hours ago, Fadingpain said:

About half of all marriages end with some type of permanent dissolution.

 

It is not as easy to calculate as you might think, b/c a percentage of marriages end with permanent separation, but no actual divorce.

 

Actual divorce rates, as of 2010, were 43% to 46%.

 

The average length of marriage that ends in divorce in America is @ 8 years.

 

 

 

The priest at my sister’s wedding was full of stats like that. During the ceremony. It was like an hour long “I have no idea why you’re doing this” speech.  The facts are the facts, BUT DURING THE WEDDING? 

 

We laugh about it now, and sometimes I think they stayed together 40+ years just to stick it to that old priest!   (Maybe that was his strategy....) 

[Paulus]

Be the best father you can.

 

Also, Tinder is more of a hookup type site. Bumble is for higher quality women. Okc is for a quick dirty. POF is the lowest of the low.  I keed, I keed. 

[Augie]

17 hours ago, ExiledInIllinois said:

Yeah... But where did Otis sleep @ night!

 

?

 

In a nice clean bed, only to wake up to Aunt Bee’s cooking! (Could be worse....) 

[ExiledInIllinois]

1 minute ago, Augie said:

 

In a nice clean bed, only to wake up to Aunt Bee’s cooking! (Could be worse....) 

Ha!  Not a bad life!!!! Party all night too.

[Augie]

2 minutes ago, ExiledInIllinois said:

Ha!  Not a bad life!!!! Party all night too.

 

But you have to listen to a lot of Barnie. Life is a series of compromises. 

[Fadingpain]

1 hour ago, Augie said:

 

The priest at my sister’s wedding was full of stats like that. During the ceremony. It was like an hour long “I have no idea why you’re doing this” speech.  The facts are the facts, BUT DURING THE WEDDING? 

 

We laugh about it now, and sometimes I think they stayed together 40+ years just to stick it to that old priest!   (Maybe that was his strategy....) 

That's kind of funny; the cynical old priest pissing on the sacrament of marriage as he is about to wed 2 people.

 

So basically, if you get married these days, you have a 50/50 shot of getting divorced, and if you do, on average it will come after 8 years.

 

I would like to see the stat for marriage survival rates after, say, 10 years.

 

I.E., how many marriages end in divorce after 10 years of marriage.

 

I bet it's a small number, as in, if you a couple makes it to the decade mark, they'll stay together forever.  Although even then, you do hear about divorces after many years of marriage so who knows.

 

 

[LeGOATski]

1 hour ago, Fadingpain said:

That's kind of funny; the cynical old priest pissing on the sacrament of marriage as he is about to wed 2 people.

 

So basically, if you get married these days, you have a 50/50 shot of getting divorced, and if you do, on average it will come after 8 years.

 

I would like to see the stat for marriage survival rates after, say, 10 years.

 

I.E., how many marriages end in divorce after 10 years of marriage.

 

I bet it's a small number, as in, if you a couple makes it to the decade mark, they'll stay together forever.  Although even then, you do hear about divorces after many years of marriage so who knows.

 

 

yeah, a lot of stories I hear are people who divorce after the kids have left the household.

[ExiledInIllinois]

1 hour ago, Fadingpain said:

That's kind of funny; the cynical old priest pissing on the sacrament of marriage as he is about to wed 2 people.

 

So basically, if you get married these days, you have a 50/50 shot of getting divorced, and if you do, on average it will come after 8 years.

 

I would like to see the stat for marriage survival rates after, say, 10 years.

 

I.E., how many marriages end in divorce after 10 years of marriage.

 

I bet it's a small number, as in, if you a couple makes it to the decade mark, they'll stay together forever.  Although even then, you do hear about divorces after many years of marriage so who knows.

 

 

Next year We are going on 25. Heck, been here for close to 16.

9 minutes ago, LeGOATski said:

yeah, a lot of stories I hear are people who divorce after the kids have left the household.

I wonder if some do it to cleave their income in half?  With one in College, another ready to go... We'd probably be able to game the system if we got divorced.

 

Sad... But two things the gov't succeeded in doing... Feeding people and educating them.  Yeah, too well, making people fat and educational aid.

Edited September 23, 2018 by ExiledInIllinois

[LeGOATski]

9 minutes ago, ExiledInIllinois said:

Next year We are going on 25. Heck, been here for close to 16.

I wonder if some do it to cleave their income in half?  With one in College, another ready to go... We'd probably be able to game the system if we got divorced.

 

Sad... But two things the gov't succeeded in doing... Feeding people and educating them.  Yeah, too well, making people fat and educational aid.

If the government told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?