Anyone ever go through a divorce with a child?

[The Poojer]

it's not hard, in fact it's kind of easy....it sucks a lot of times, but it's still easy to be a regular guy :-)

 

1 hour ago, Another Fan said:

It’s hard to be a regular guy these days

[Fadingpain]

I'm sure there is a counselor out there who can give you very sound advice for going through this entire process, for years to come, with an emphasis on causing as little damage as possible to your son.

 

I'm sure there are things you can do, ways you can act, things that can be said that will help an otherwise unfortunate situation.

 

I would seek that counsel and not advice from a football fan message board.

 

Just my 2 cents.

 

 

 

[Tiberius]

I've known more people that should have gotten divorced and didn't. They stay together way longer than they should and argue all the time and use their kids to hurt each other. 

[Royale with Cheese]

11 minutes ago, Fadingpain said:

I'm sure there is a counselor out there who can give you very sound advice for going through this entire process, for years to come, with an emphasis on causing as little damage as possible to your son.

 

I'm sure there are things you can do, ways you can act, things that can be said that will help an otherwise unfortunate situation.

 

I would seek that counsel and not advice from a football fan message board.

 

Just my 2 cents.

 

 

 

 

I've got personal friends, including my brother who have been through this and have spoken with them.  

This is just another avenue.

[Buffalo716]

6 hours ago, Royale with Cheese said:

So my wife and I have officially filed for divorce.  Just waiting for my lawyer and her lawyer to review the paper work to sign off.

 

We're being very amicable towards each other.  Nothing contested (so far) on our end.  We still do get a long, we're in the process of selling our house and living in our existing house together for the next month or so.  We're splitting everything 50/50 except 401K...she's not going to take any of mine.  Instead of child support, I'll pay her health insurance since she can't be on mine now.  I'm also giving her a good chunk of my savings.  We're both being very good to each other right now.

 

I didn't want to be in the relationship anymore but at the same time, it's still pretty hard because I've been with her for 6 years....and we have a 3 year old.

We tried to explain to him last night what was happening and he wasn't getting it.  We just said that we aren't going to live much longer in this house and we will now have two houses.  He seemed excited.

 

If anyone has been through this, any advice?  What should I expect?

 

Sorry to hear Royale 

 

best of luck to you and your kid ?

[Soda Popinski]

I think you've gotten pretty damn good advice from a football message board personally. 

[Royale with Cheese]

1 minute ago, Tiberius said:

I've known more people that should have gotten divorced and didn't. They stay together way longer than they should and argue all the time and use their kids to hurt each other. 

 

This is what happened to me.  My parents fought and fought and fought.  It was traumatic to me because they were bad fights.

They used to ask me in the middle of an argument who I would rather live with.  When you're 5, it's horrible to be put in that position.  Broken dishes, screaming, threats, bags packed and leaving etc.....

 

I don't think my wife and I would have gotten to that level but it's also a reason why I feel divorce is right.  I don't want my son to go through what I went through.

4 minutes ago, Soda Popinski said:

I think you've gotten pretty damn good advice from a football message board personally. 

 

I do too.

[Tiberius]

3 minutes ago, Royale with Cheese said:

 

This is what happened to me.  My parents fought and fought and fought.  It was traumatic to me because they were bad fights.

They used to ask me in the middle of an argument who I would rather live with.  When you're 5, it's horrible to be put in that position.  Broken dishes, screaming, threats, bags packed and leaving etc.....

 

I don't think my wife and I would have gotten to that level but it's also a reason why I feel divorce is right.  I don't want my son to go through what I went through.

My older brother is kind of a mess. He went through that with mom and dad, but things had calmed down when I was young and dad passed away when I was nine. 

 

A friend of mine and his wife were totally like you describe. Once we were going to work out in the garage on his cars and his wife took the kid who was afraid of the dark, put him out on our side of the fence in the dark, locked the gate and left him just to be a bi tch and the kid freaked out and we had to run and get him and it was for what? She use to shake his hand when they would argue and the kid would scream on key. It was nuts. 

[dpberr]

Yes.

 

As a father, you will come to find those moments in your quiet home after your son or daughter go "home" after the visit, the most soul crushing quiet you'll ever experience.  It's so abrupt too.  

 

The only people who say "kids will be fine" in a divorce are those that never have been through it or in denial of their responsibility for unleashing it upon their children.  It changes every single one of you.  You become a part-time father.  Your wife enters "single mother" status and your children now face a future of meeting various boyfriends, girlfriends and home always being two places, not one.  You all become statistics.  

 

My honest and heartfelt advice to you as a divorcee who had a very straightforward, amicable divorce is unless you're chasing each other around the house with an ax or there is something serious amiss (drug problem, abuse), take the time to work it out.  Give you and your spouse the gift of patience.  I look back and wish we had cooler heads to do just that.  

 

 

Edited September 19, 2018 by dpberr

[Soda Popinski]

1 minute ago, dpberr said:

Yes.

 

As a father, you will come to find those moments in your quiet home after your son or daughter go "home" after the visit, the most soul crushing quiet you'll ever experience.  It's so abrupt too.  

 

The only people who say "kids will be fine" in a divorce are those that never have been through it or in denial of their responsibility for unleashing it upon their children.  It changes every single one of you.  You become a part-time father.  Your wife enters "single mother" status and your children now face a future of meeting various boyfriends, girlfriends and home always being two places, not one.  You all become statistics.  

 

My honest and heartfelt advice to you as a divorcee who had a very straightforward, amicable divorce is unless you're chasing each other around the house with an ax or there is something serious amiss (drug problem, abuse), take the time to work it out.  I look back and wish we had cooler heads to do that.  

 

 

Wife and I agreed early on if we ever divorced no one was ever going to tell our kids what to do.   And we weren't going to put up with it either.   

[Royale with Cheese]

7 minutes ago, dpberr said:

Yes.

 

As a father, you will come to find those moments in your quiet home after your son or daughter go "home" after the visit, the most soul crushing quiet you'll ever experience.  It's so abrupt too.  

 

The only people who say "kids will be fine" in a divorce are those that never have been through it or in denial of their responsibility for unleashing it upon their children.  It changes every single one of you.  You become a part-time father.  Your wife enters "single mother" status and your children now face a future of meeting various boyfriends, girlfriends and home always being two places, not one.  You all become statistics.  

 

My honest and heartfelt advice to you as a divorcee who had a very straightforward, amicable divorce is unless you're chasing each other around the house with an ax or there is something serious amiss (drug problem, abuse), take the time to work it out.  I look back and wish we had cooler heads to do that.  

 

 

 

I think about that a lot.  I already told my Manager that I might take a few days off after my move.  I don't know where my mind is going to be at this time but I know it's going to be awful.

 

My wife and I went to counseling two years ago to work things out.  It didn't help at all.  We've been going through the motions ever since.  Had some good moments but it's just got to the point where we can't be happy.  I still love her but not in love with her.  Is this something that you can come back from?

8 minutes ago, Soda Popinski said:

Wife and I agreed early on if we ever divorced no one was ever going to tell our kids what to do.   And we weren't going to put up with it either.   

 

Wife and I already had that conversation.  Both stated we are not replacing each other. 

I'm the father, she's the mother...end of story.  Anyone else, they're not a part of a decision at all.

[KD in CA]

Better to do it when he's 3 and can adapt to the new normal rather than later when it would build more anger/resentment.

 

And absolutely worth a few extra bucks to keep it amicable.

[Misterbluesky]

Sorry to hear the news,Royale.Just make damn sure to be the best dad you can be...that's priority number one.peace.

[ExiledInIllinois]

4 hours ago, Teddy KGB said:

Is the new girl good in bed ?

Gee... Smooth move Ace, His soon to be Ex probably has Her Attorney reading this Board... And people say I don't shut up.  LoL...? ?

[Fadingpain]

45 minutes ago, Royale with Cheese said:

 

I've got personal friends, including my brother who have been through this and have spoken with them.  

This is just another avenue.

Good!

I just did some googling and this book was written by a Ph.D. therapist...about proper parenting through a divorce. 

 

Reading a few books like this could prove to be very helpful.  

 

https://www.amazon.com/Parenting-through-Divorce-Helping-Children/dp/1616084421

[ExiledInIllinois]

3 hours ago, joesixpack said:

 

Let's see if i can clarify. I did the calculations, and the state formulates a single child as having a 18% of combined income as the baseline child support number for the month. I pay 40% of that amount, plus 40% of any health insurance expenses. Net result is I'm paying about 33% of my gross pay per month in total support.

Here's the kicker. Each time she asked for an increase, it took three months to get a hearing. Each time they charged me BACK support for those three months, so that even though I'd paid on time, I was charged back support and put into arrears. That really pissed me off. I just now finished paying off that back support. So I'll get a few extra shekels in my pocket each month.

 

The system is AIDS towards fathers.

 

 

Time to work under the table?  Maybe the Trump family can score You a job.

 

JUST KIDDING!  Man Pa sux!!!

[Pine Barrens Mafia]

1 minute ago, ExiledInIllinois said:

Time to work under the table?  Maybe the Trump family can score You a job.

 

JUST KIDDING!  Man Pa sux!!!

 

Three years, man. Three years then I'm done and I can start watching the clock for her to retire.

 

[Acantha]

7 hours ago, Royale with Cheese said:

So my wife and I have officially filed for divorce.  Just waiting for my lawyer and her lawyer to review the paper work to sign off.

 

We're being very amicable towards each other.  Nothing contested (so far) on our end.  We still do get a long, we're in the process of selling our house and living in our existing house together for the next month or so.  We're splitting everything 50/50 except 401K...she's not going to take any of mine.  Instead of child support, I'll pay her health insurance since she can't be on mine now.  I'm also giving her a good chunk of my savings.  We're both being very good to each other right now.

 

I didn't want to be in the relationship anymore but at the same time, it's still pretty hard because I've been with her for 6 years....and we have a 3 year old.

We tried to explain to him last night what was happening and he wasn't getting it.  We just said that we aren't going to live much longer in this house and we will now have two houses.  He seemed excited.

 

If anyone has been through this, any advice?  What should I expect?

Wow, you pretty much described my situation to a T. Married a little over 6 six years, 3 year old son. Amicable divorce. Even lived with each other for over a month after we decided to divorce while we figured things out. 

 

I can't get into details (too hard on my phone), but suffice it to say I agree with the overall sentiment of get a lawyer and do NOT worry too much about being the nice guy. That doesn't mean be an !@#$, but don't roll over on everything just because you want to maintain the relationship. Overwhelming chances are, that story you told about dinners together isn't going to work out anyway.

 

I don't want to preach or harp, but if your interested in what happened with me (it's nothing horrible, but it will make you think), send me a message. When I can sit down at a computer I'll fill you in.

[The Poojer]

that's just awful...kids don't deserve to be put through crap like that...

 

42 minutes ago, Tiberius said:

My older brother is kind of a mess. He went through that with mom and dad, but things had calmed down when I was young and dad passed away when I was nine. 

 

A friend of mine and his wife were totally like you describe. Once we were going to work out in the garage on his cars and his wife took the kid who was afraid of the dark, put him out on our side of the fence in the dark, locked the gate and left him just to be a bi tch and the kid freaked out and we had to run and get him and it was for what? She use to shake his hand when they would argue and the kid would scream on key. It was nuts. 

[GaryPinC]

8 minutes ago, Royale with Cheese said:

 

This is what happened to me.  My parents fought and fought and fought.  It was traumatic to me because they were bad fights.

They used to ask me in the middle of an argument who I would rather live with.  When you're 5, it's horrible to be put in that position.  Broken dishes, screaming, threats, bags packed and leaving etc.....

 

I don't think my wife and I would have gotten to that level but it's also a reason why I feel divorce is right.  I don't want my son to go through what I went through.

 

Sorry to hear you have to go through all this.   It's been 5 years since for me now and things are great.  It was the most emotionally painful thing I've ever gone through for the first 3 months, but in the end it was definitely for the best.

 

Kids were 10 and 6 at the time of the split, we co-parent 50/50 and always put them first.  Well, I do for sure no matter what.

 

I pick up the kids health insurance, end up paying more for clothes, school fees, etc. because I earn significantly more than her.  But I don't pay her anything monthly and haven't used or even glanced at our divorce agreement in years.  I'm very lucky, but a good part of it was from knowing her strengths and weaknesses and accurately reading the situation. And, both of us want to move forward in life, not drag each other down.

 

What I learned from what I went  though and hopefully can help you is this:    50/50 parenting is a must, try like hell to be the custodial parent but it is probably too late for that.  Never talk bad about your spouse, she is a part of who your child is and talking bad about her means you're talking bad about him.

But, answer these questions:

1.  Emotionally, who owes who in this split? 

2.  How much is your ex willing to accept the state government being involved in your family's parenting?   

3.  How much can you get away with before upsetting her emotional apple cart and she goes nuclear? 

4.  Can you make her life as miserable as she could make yours and do you each feel this?

5.  Is she someone that has no problem being vindictive or instead prefers to move forward?

 

Question 3 is most important, for the remainder of the divorce.  They all are perspective for post-divorce peace.  If she goes nuclear, nice-nice goes away and that must be avoided until you can't stand it anymore.  Women have the advantage in court.  Definitely use the lawyer and definitely (but nicely) stand up for what you need to protect yourself.  Depending on how you answered the 4 questions should guide how aggressive of a lawyer you use and how much you fight for yourself.

 

Your agreement will be the precedent, once the court accepts the agreement, you are bound and any disproportionate agreement will never balance out in the future, only snowball.