Would you ever put your parent(s)/grandparent(s) in an Assisted Living facility?

[Just Jack]

1 hour ago, Gray Beard said:

My mother was in an adult apartment complex (meals provided, but little personalized medical attention) then in assisted living (meals and medical attention) when she was in her 90s.  There are different levels of care depending on need.  Expensive, but it worked out well.  She didn’t want to burden any of her kids by moving in, and the apartments where she was living were only a few blocks away from relatives.  

 

There's a place like that near the Stadium, Fox Run. You can start out in a Patio Home or Apartment. Then move onto the Assisted Living building. Then onto the Health Care Center or Memory Care unit if you have Alzheimer's/ Dementia. After that, it's a hearse ride. 

[Gray Beard]

15 minutes ago, Just Jack said:

 

There's a place like that near the Stadium, Fox Run. You can start out in a Patio Home or Apartment. Then move onto the Assisted Living building. Then onto the Health Care Center or Memory Care unit if you have Alzheimer's/ Dementia. After that, it's a hearse ride. 

My mom was in Florida.  As you can well imagine, there are many options to choose from down there. My sister in law was a saint for all the errands she did and the care she took of my mother. When my mother passed, there was still a little inheritance left, and everyone agreed that my sister in law should get an extra little bit.  My mom died of heart failure, and her brain was still in pretty good shape right up to the end. 

 

I have a friend whose mom had dementia, and she went through all the stages of care right up until she passed. That was in the Syracuse area.  Impossible to care for an elderly parent with dementia while still working full time. Expensive, but an assisted living facility and then a nursing home seems like the best option if you can afford it. 

[Buffalo_Gal]

My MIL is dying. Hubby has been back and forth there for several months. She's had 24/7 homecare for almost 10 years now. She absolutely did not want to go to a nursing home, and her medical issues could be handled with doctor visits and the in-home care.  IF (giant if) some miracle occurs and she can recover enough to "go home" it is unlikely she will actually be able to go to her home.  The elder care specialist we hired has not issued her final report yet, but I have my doubts she will ever be able to go back to her home.  Her in-home health care providers have been in the hospitals and rehab facilities with her the last few months (although "only" 12 hours per day) as Hubby's eyes and ears as we live on the other side of the country.

My father is in a nursing home. He needs to be in one as their house is not set up to meet his needs (long story, let's just say it is frustrating, and I have learned from my parent's mistakes). They had some home care, but my mother wanted to "do it her way" and waited too long to put some things that would help in place. The elder care specialist we hired gave my parents a number of options as my father was rapidly deteriorating. They were lucky enough to get a decent facility. His deterioration has slowed down tremendously.

My grandmother had Alzheimer's. My grandfather kept her home as long as he could (too long  IMO).   She went to a facility for the last 6 months of her life.

So the answer is - depending on the situation, yes.  However, someone needs to be there to visit daily whether it is family, friends, etc depending on the person's needs and mental capacity.  You want your loved one safe and taken care of, and sometimes home is not the best solution. 

For myself? I am off to Switzerland or Denmark.  There is no way in hell I want to go through some of the things I've seen with the elderly in my family. Sure I've had grandparents and great-grandparents live into their 90s and be relatively active and healthy (heck, my grandfather gave up his driving license at 90 because he felt his reflexes had slowed down - and I thought he drove better than 95% of the people out there at the time!) I just do not feel I'll be one of  those people.

[DC Tom]

1 hour ago, TakeYouToTasker said:

 

This, although there are mitigating circumstances which makes it not cut and dry.

 

For instance, situations involving serious medical conditions which require near 24 hour care, like Alzheimer's.

 

Maybe I should have said my point of view is precluded on the senior having the capacity to make decisions...but I thought it was kind-of obvious.

 

My grandmother, btw...still around today, somehow.  Breathing is shallow, and she'll stop breathing for periods of time that are getting longer and longer, and she's barely conscious...but she still had the strength to smack her caretaker this morning when they tried to take her pulse.     I think I'll play "My Way" at her memorial.  I'm gonna miss that tough old bat.

[\GoBillsInDallas/]

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/ny-news-woman-kills-son-arizona-retirement-home-20180704-story.html

 

 

[Soda Popinski]

7 minutes ago, \GoBillsInDallas/ said:

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/ny-news-woman-kills-son-arizona-retirement-home-20180704-story.html

 

 

I guess prison is an assisted living facility 

[row_33]

had all 4 grands till my late 30s

 

one set preemptively sold the large house and bought into a seniors condo thing before they became a burden

 

the other set were found almost frozen and staving in their home, which they refused to faces facts over for 15 years

 

much appreciative for the pre-emptive move, saved a ton of stress and bad feelings, but i'm more likely to be the latter

 

my parents will be somewhere in between...

 

 

[coloradobillsfan]

6 hours ago, Just Jack said:

 

There's a place like that near the Stadium, Fox Run. You can start out in a Patio Home or Apartment. Then move onto the Assisted Living building. Then onto the Health Care Center or Memory Care unit if you have Alzheimer's/ Dementia. After that, it's a hearse ride. 

 

I'd appreciate other recommended places like this in WNY that TSW'ers might have experience with, as my mom will be needing services from one of them in the coming years. 

[Augie]

We are down to my 90 year old mother. She was in Florida alone after my dad passed. It was a miserable experience for her when he was declining. More than she could handle on her own, and we were all out of state. I NEVER want to do that to my wife, and my mother does not want to do it to her kids. 

 

She knew she had to move closer to family, but declined an offer to live with family. She knew what a burden it could be. She’s in an assisted living facilty in a small apartment with 1 BR/1 Bath, small living room and a kitchen. It’s really all she needs. She has to buy about 30 meals/month in the dining room and eats the others in her home. If she has medical setbacks, she can move to the top floor for additional care for a period of time, but it’s not extended care. 

 

This is the reason my wife is on me to get long term health care insurance. I’d rather just go ahead and die than put her through what my mother experienced during my dad’s decline. 

[DC Tom]

Welp, since I mentioned it here...my grandmother just passed, a few months shy of 98 years old, and five days after she became a great-great-grandmother.  When you think about it, that is a long time.

 

Going through her stuff last weekend, I found a report card of hers from Kenmore High, 1936.  She got a 74 in American History.  Last thing I said to her: "We need to talk about your grades...I'm very disappointed in you.  You got a C in American History?  How could you?  You're 100 years old.  You lived through half of American History, fer Christ's sake!"  Worse last words to have, than making a dying woman laugh.

 

Edit: yes, we checked under the couch.  We even looked behind the credenza.  She's not there, she's truly gone.

Edited August 28, 2018 by DC Tom

[Augie]

3 minutes ago, DC Tom said:

Welp, since I mentioned it here...my grandmother just passed, a few months shy of 98 years old, and five days after she became a great-great-grandmother.  When you think about it, that is a long time.

 

Going through her stuff last weekend, I found a report card of hers from Kenmore High, 1936.  She got a 74 in American History.  Last thing I said to her: "We need to talk about your grades...I'm very disappointed in you.  You got a C in American History?  How could you?  You're 100 years old.  You lived through half of American History, fer Christ's sake!"  Worse last words to have, than making a dying woman laugh.

 

Making a dying woman laugh might be the best gift you could give. Sorry for your loss, and happy for her full life. It was her journey. 

[DC Tom]

27 minutes ago, Augie said:

 

Making a dying woman laugh might be the best gift you could give. Sorry for your loss, and happy for her full life. It was her journey. 

 

We've already decided that the "hymn" for her memorial Mass is going to be Sinatra's "My Way."

[Augie]

Just now, DC Tom said:

 

We've already decided that the "hymn" for her memorial Mass is going to be Sinatra's "My Way."

 

Love it! Never met her, but you have to love her if that’s what fit her. 

[KD in CA]

58 minutes ago, DC Tom said:

Welp, since I mentioned it here...my grandmother just passed, a few months shy of 98 years old, and five days after she became a great-great-grandmother.  When you think about it, that is a long time.

 

Going through her stuff last weekend, I found a report card of hers from Kenmore High, 1936.  She got a 74 in American History.  Last thing I said to her: "We need to talk about your grades...I'm very disappointed in you.  You got a C in American History?  How could you?  You're 100 years old.  You lived through half of American History, fer Christ's sake!"  Worse last words to have, than making a dying woman laugh.

 

Edit: yes, we checked under the couch.  We even looked behind the credenza.  She's not there, she's truly gone.

 

Damn, beat me to it.   It doesn't get much better than 98 if you still have your marbles.  Nice run. 

[ExiledInIllinois]

6 minutes ago, KD in CA said:

 

Damn, beat me to it.   It doesn't get much better than 98 if you still have your marbles.  Nice run. 

My neighbor was born in 1926.  She's going strong, well sorta, still driving the late husband's (died 2012) 2004 (80k miles) Mercury Grand Marquis.  Last month she crashed through her garage door... I just happened to witness the SNAFU when I was out getting mail.  @ 92, she ain't about to give up her freedom.

 

LoL... Buffed out the land yacht, fixed the garage door, and patched the hole in wall.  Good as new.  Sharp as a tack and back in the saddle.  She had me take ride to get emissions tested (passed)... She was afraid daughter would pull plug and let registration lapse.  She's been brushing up on taking her driver's test refresher (required on the elderly yearly). Just a little set back going through garage door. Mishaps could happen to anyone.  Nate threw 5 picks in one half and he's 70 years younger.

 

I didn't want to disappoint her... Make an old lady unhappy... Better leave me in her will! Hope it's that sorta cherry Mercury. ??

[Just Jack]

16 hours ago, DC Tom said:

 and five days after she became a great-great-grandmother.  

 

Are you going to do the traditional "5 generations" picture at calling hours? 

[Hapless Bills Fan]

On 8/26/2018 at 1:14 PM, Another Fan said:

So this week my Grandma took a pretty nasty fall at her house where she's alone most of the time.   She's all right but still recovering. 

 

I do have an Aunt who lives very near by that takes care of her to a degree.  She has her own job/responsibilities/life though and don't know how much time she can keep emotionally investing in caretaking. 

 

Now my Grandma is as set in her ways as it gets so I doubt she'd ever go or agree.  If anything maybe a stay at home aid type of thing would assist.  Still I wonder how others feel in similar scenarios. 

 

It depends on so many factors - what your Grandma can afford, what sort of assisted living facilities are available in her price range, what sort of personal in-home aides are available?  No matter what is decided upon, regular supervision of the situation by friends or relatives is key to avoid abuse.

 

My mom is in independent living, where at this point she can get services contracted that will keep her OK for a long time.  She wasn't fond of the idea, but she was living in Miami and had heart problems and I told her "you have to move where I can help you with your medical care".   It's really been a great thing for her.  She still has her own space where she can be set in her ways, but she also has people she can socialize with at breakfast and dinner when she wants to, she has transportation to doctors and grocery stores, she has people checking up on her every day, she can have prescriptions delivered and 2x/day pill reminders.

 

I have seen it not work OK where the relatives thought adequate care was 1x/week buying groceries and driving by every evening to see that the light was on.  The relative in question wound up lying in her own wastes for 2 days after she fell and broke a hip and couldn't get up, and turned out to have been quite malnourished.  But moving her into her son's home (what was done) took a terrible personal toll on him and his wife, who were not spring chickens at that point.

 

 

On 8/27/2018 at 4:51 PM, Augie said:

We are down to my 90 year old mother. She was in Florida alone after my dad passed. It was a miserable experience for her when he was declining. More than she could handle on her own, and we were all out of state. I NEVER want to do that to my wife, and my mother does not want to do it to her kids. 

 

She knew she had to move closer to family, but declined an offer to live with family. She knew what a burden it could be. She’s in an assisted living facilty in a small apartment with 1 BR/1 Bath, small living room and a kitchen. It’s really all she needs. She has to buy about 30 meals/month in the dining room and eats the others in her home. If she has medical setbacks, she can move to the top floor for additional care for a period of time, but it’s not extended care. 

 

This is the reason my wife is on me to get long term health care insurance. I’d rather just go ahead and die than put her through what my mother experienced during my dad’s decline. 

 

This.  I swear, my FIL and MIL aged 10 years in the 2 years they took care of his mom in their own home.  It wasn't until mom started punching my MIL and calling her a hussy (she thought her son was her late husband and her daughter-in-law a homewrecker) that the penny dropped, as it were.  It was awful.  I think it would have been OK if they had been able to (or chosen to) hire more in-home help but evidently there are restrictions on covering that under Medicare even though it's more cost effective.

[ExiledInIllinois]

1 hour ago, Hapless Bills Fan said:

 

It depends on so many factors - what your Grandma can afford, what sort of assisted living facilities are available in her price range, what sort of personal in-home aides are available?  No matter what is decided upon, regular supervision of the situation by friends or relatives is key to avoid abuse.

 

My mom is in independent living, where at this point she can get services contracted that will keep her OK for a long time.  She wasn't fond of the idea, but she was living in Miami and had heart problems and I told her "you have to move where I can help you with your medical care".   It's really been a great thing for her.  She still has her own space where she can be set in her ways, but she also has people she can socialize with at breakfast and dinner when she wants to, she has transportation to doctors and grocery stores, she has people checking up on her every day, she can have prescriptions delivered and 2x/day pill reminders.

 

I have seen it not work OK where the relatives thought adequate care was 1x/week buying groceries and driving by every evening to see that the light was on.  The relative in question wound up lying in her own wastes for 2 days after she fell and broke a hip and couldn't get up, and turned out to have been quite malnourished.  But moving her into her son's home (what was done) took a terrible personal toll on him and his wife, who were not spring chickens at that point.

 

 

 

This.  I swear, my FIL and MIL aged 10 years in the 2 years they took care of his mom in their own home.  It wasn't until mom started punching my MIL and calling her a hussy (she thought her son was her late husband and her daughter-in-law a homewrecker) that the penny dropped, as it were.  It was awful.  I think it would have been OK if they had been able to (or chosen to) hire more in-home help but evidently there are restrictions on covering that under Medicare even though it's more cost effective.

Wow!  Sad.  What a mess.  Given the situation, medical conditions... It can't be taken personal.  That's not the real Mom talking.

 

Healthcare will bleed every penny out of us. Guilt of living.  I know it's in the back of my in-laws mind.  Live and the system takes everything they worked hard for and don't pass it on to their children.  They are selfless to a fault.

 

If it's me.  Just take me behind the woodshed like ole Yeller.  It would wreck me knowing what I built went to these leeches, so I can live. I simply will not hold my life so precious as I live a fuller life. That's doesn't mean other's can't. I just see it in my in-laws, and it's tearing them up.  They lived so honorably, frugally, and decent.  Me personally, I just want to see them living in peace.  We (children) aren't the important ones...

 

Best wishes if this is still ongoing!

[NWPABillsfan]

My Dad just passed away the 1st of August this year.He was in a nursing home since Feb. 2017.  He fell and broke his back in 3 places, so we had to take him there for rehab. My Mom is still at home using a walker and falls once in a while. So she could not take care of Dad at home. After his back got better his COPD got bad and he couldn't breath very good at all, plus at this time he could not stand by him self so he was in a wheel chair. I work everyday and could not put the time in to take care of him at home. He was not happy about living there but he understood why he was there. I visited him every Mon. Wed. Fri. and Sun. My brother visited him Tues. Thurs and Sat. I live 2 miles from the nursing home ,my brother lives 10 miles. So it worked out good for both us. We took Mom up to see him when ever she wanted to go. So to answer the question i guess the answer now is yes. But i think it depends on every situation is different.  My Mom has helpers come into the home everyday for 12 hours aday.  Right now she will not go into a nursing home.  But not saying that down the road we will not put her into a nursing home. Just you have to keep an eye on how and what they are doing there, they try to cut corners sometimes. But you just have to speak up and make sure they are doing and treating him right. 

[sherpa]

4 minutes ago, NWPABillsfan said:

My Dad just passed away the 1st of August this year.He was in a nursing home since Feb. 2017.  He fell and broke his back in 3 places, so we had to take him there for rehab. My Mom is still at home using a walker and falls once in a while. So she could not take care of Dad at home. After his back got better his COPD got bad and he couldn't breath very good at all, plus at this time he could not stand by him self so he was in a wheel chair. I work everyday and could not put the time in to take care of him at home. He was not happy about living there but he understood why he was there. I visited him every Mon. Wed. Fri. and Sun. My brother visited him Tues. Thurs and Sat. I live 2 miles from the nursing home ,my brother lives 10 miles. So it worked out good for both us. We took Mom up to see him when ever she wanted to go. So to answer the question i guess the answer now is yes. But i think it depends on every situation is different.  My Mom has helpers come into the home everyday for 12 hours aday.  Right now she will not go into a nursing home.  But not saying that down the road we will not put her into a nursing home. Just you have to keep an eye on how and what they are doing there, they try to cut corners sometimes. But you just have to speak up and make sure they are doing and treating him right. 

 

Your situation is exactly why I purchased long term insurance for my wife and I, and explained to our kids that if we ever need it, we would use it rather than burden them.

The insurance is not cheap, but while you are relatively young and not in any need, it is affordable.

It also provides some measure of protection against other assets you want to pass along.

In short, I have taken this burden off of our children while we are both healthy and active.