Would you ever put your parent(s)/grandparent(s) in an Assisted Living facility?

[Another Fan]

So this week my Grandma took a pretty nasty fall at her house where she's alone most of the time.   She's all right but still recovering. 

 

I do have an Aunt who lives very near by that takes care of her to a degree.  She has her own job/responsibilities/life though and don't know how much time she can keep emotionally investing in caretaking. 

 

Now my Grandma is as set in her ways as it gets so I doubt she'd ever go or agree.  If anything maybe a stay at home aid type of thing would assist.  Still I wonder how others feel in similar scenarios. 

[DC Tom]

My grandmother's dying right now (literally, we're just waiting).  We had the discussion with her for several years about going in to assisted living, and her response was always something along the lines of "No, I'm dying right here, in my own apartment, in my own bed."  And she is...and I think she's better off for it.  I can't imagine she'd have been happier in assisted living the past few years, at least.  

 

So...ask her, she what she'd want.  Seniors are adults, not children, and are capable of acting in their best interests.  

[sherpa]

Been through all of this,

My mother in law is an extremely independent woman who was widowed in her late 40's, and worked successfully into her mid 60's.

Had mobility problems in her 70's that necessitated us moving her in with us for a few years, as we have the room.

She had a mini stroke, and my wife decided we could no longer watch out for her, so the family moved her into a facility that provides various levels of care.

She is currently in an assisted living facility, but has a two bedroom facility with all meals etc.

She require no constant care. It's basically an apartment with meals and emergency response provided.

She's happy. We're happy, but it isn't cheap.

 

Net, having watched this, I purchased a long term care policy to guarantee that neither myself or my wife will ever have to depend on our kids, and our finances will be protected from long term care.

 

There's a lot to consider, and a lot of financial considerations.

I've done the work and am familiar.  

[Wacka]

My mom will be 92 this weekend.  She was widowed at 64 and has lived by herself. When I had a stroke in 2014, she arranged for my brother and brother-in-law to go out to California  to get me and my stuff.  I did not have relatives out there, so I moved back in with her in Cheektowaga.  Since then , her health is slowly deteriorating. She can still get around with a walker and can cook stuff in the microwave. I have to do the wash, shop and stuff like that.   My sister comes over and  pays her bills online about once a week.  My brother is taking care of the   house repairs, etc.  Sometimes it is a pain because she wants stuff done immediately when asking for it and forgets she  asked.  She will apologize for having me  do stuff for her, but I have the view that she wiped my butt so many times when I was an infant, and it is my turn to help her.  She is grateful that I am back and said that  if I wasn't, she would be in assisted living or a nursing home.  I want her to pass at home. I expect that one day when I wake up   she will have peaceful passed in her sleep like she wants to.

Edited August 26, 2018 by Wacka

[ExiledInIllinois]

52 minutes ago, DC Tom said:

My grandmother's dying right now (literally, we're just waiting).  We had the discussion with her for several years about going in to assisted living, and her response was always something along the lines of "No, I'm dying right here, in my own apartment, in my own bed."  And she is...and I think she's better off for it.  I can't imagine she'd have been happier in assisted living the past few years, at least.  

 

So...ask her, she what she'd want.  Seniors are adults, not children, and are capable of acting in their best interests.  

Both my in-laws are getting up into 80s.  Father in law is slipping.  Gonna be hard for mother inlaw... They are all alone, we all live out of town... But we can be there in 8 hours.

 

There will be some hard choices in the coming years for my wife's family.

 

My father is in 80s.  Mother passed away 20 years ago... But my father has my brother living with him, and father is DAV and utilizes VA network... So basically he's in assisted living now.  My brother goes out of town... I come in and watch my father.  Doing it for a week in October when my brother goes to Portugal.  My father's "assisted living" gets me to the Tennessee game! ?

[KD in CA]

Yup, M-I-L is in an assisted living facility (with her own apartment/room);  it's by far the best thing unless you are restricted by cost.

 

Prior to that, we had her living in her own place with a full time/live in caretaker.  It was a disaster.  Two old women fighting non-stop because there was literally nothing else (except television) to do.  My wife got a call almost every day with some silly problem.

 

Now, she at least can eat in a common room with other people around, even if she barely socializes with any of them.

[TSNBDSC]

FIL in Assisted, MIL Memory. Best place for both them. FIL needs the medical attention. Hes good with. Peace of mind if he needs help it's right there. Maybe have her check it out. She might like it.  24/7 medical may interest her. People to relate too. Activities. 3 squares. Might even have DTV lol. Good luck !

[RaoulDuke79]

Haven't been forced into that situation yet,  but I would think in most cases it's the best scenario for all parties involved. 

[Saxum]

My mother in assisted living, her second place since she gave up her apartment.  She has a lot of health issues and has a "Do not resuscitate" sign.

My mother is in a shared apartment with 3 beds separate but not very since walls are real thin; more like cubicles.

My youngest sister is a nurse and sometimes works there.  Never figured what her schedule is. She recommended this place.

All of my siblings live in area but one brother so in theory there are six to take care of her but my mother does not make it easy;

she complains when someone tries to take her out saying it is too much trouble due to oxygen tank.

I am actually closer (not distance) to my mother than most of my siblings.

 

My mother-in-law is what worries me. She is in her 90's and very frail unable to cook for herself.

One of each of my wife's sisters and brothers live in apartment with her (both never married).

She became too much for them so everyone contributed to a home aid on contract from overseas;

it appears in Hong Kong where my wife is from no one is interested in doing that kind of work; apparently it is like the US in this way.

The maid is apparently very unhappy and is often crying. 

My mother-in-law, a woman I really liked, now is now supercritical and cannot remember when someone has done something for her.

She has adult diapers but at night she just screams when she needs to use the toilet.

They do not believe she will renew contract and it takes months to get a new one if you can get one.

 

What is worse is my sister-in-law has been given a choice - move to the Philippines or lose her job.

They are moving because trade sanctions are being imposed on China; company is avoiding trade sanctions this way but work will still be done in China and money going to Chinese factory owner and workers.  The company basically has to use this factory per China and the workers never learn.

She is my age and frankly it is impossible for her to find work locally but my brother-in-law cannot take care of her himself and keep his job.

He tried before and almost lost it.

Rules in Hong Kong are different for assisted living homes; you need to be self sufficient and my mother-in-law isn't so there is no place for her to go.

My wife said she might need to quit her job and go back but that is not happening since we have an adult daughter who could not handle it.

 

I think them hoping for another home assistant is not realistic but they seem to have no other options.

 

 

[Marv's Neighbor]

In the 70's I bought a "lifetime" membership to an airline club room for maybe $150..  Despite the changes, mergers etc., it's still good.  I tell my wife that if it ever comes to that, just take me to the airport everyday.  They have snacks, TV, OK restrooms, bar drinks if I want them etc.  I understand it's difficult to order drinks at a real assisted living.

[Just Jack]

56 minutes ago, Marv's Neighbor said:

In the 70's I bought a "lifetime" membership to an airline club room for maybe $150..  Despite the changes, mergers etc., it's still good.  I tell my wife that if it ever comes to that, just take me to the airport everyday.  They have snacks, TV, OK restrooms, bar drinks if I want them etc.  I understand it's difficult to order drinks at a real assisted living.

 

It depends on the home. Most private ones will have a Happy Hour at least once a week. 

[Soda Popinski]

I may have to, depending on the circumstances, my mother in law is not someone who is capable of taking care of herself and we are not capable of taking care of her either.  She has mental and physical problems that we are not equipped to deal with, along with our home not being set up for her needs it would be impossible to remodel to make it livable for her.   

 

My mother's side of the family has a history of dementia and again it's probably not something we are equipped to handle she tried to have her father live with her near the end a few years ago it it became an impossible situation.   

 

 

[Gray Beard]

My mother was in an adult apartment complex (meals provided, but little personalized medical attention) then in assisted living (meals and medical attention) when she was in her 90s.  There are different levels of care depending on need.  Expensive, but it worked out well.  She didn’t want to burden any of her kids by moving in, and the apartments where she was living were only a few blocks away from relatives.  

[Pine Barrens Mafia]

I'm not going to live long enough to need it, and I wouldn't put my parents into a home unless they meet the same fate as my grandparents (severe end stage alzheimers). I'd take care of my folks until it became physically impossible to. They helped me out in my time of need, and I'll return the favor when the time comes, it's what family does.

 

 

 

 

[TakeYouToTasker]

19 hours ago, DC Tom said:

My grandmother's dying right now (literally, we're just waiting).  We had the discussion with her for several years about going in to assisted living, and her response was always something along the lines of "No, I'm dying right here, in my own apartment, in my own bed."  And she is...and I think she's better off for it.  I can't imagine she'd have been happier in assisted living the past few years, at least.  

 

So...ask her, she what she'd want.  Seniors are adults, not children, and are capable of acting in their best interests.  

 

This, although there are mitigating circumstances which makes it not cut and dry.

 

For instance, situations involving serious medical conditions which require near 24 hour care, like Alzheimer's.

[Soda Popinski]

6 minutes ago, TakeYouToTasker said:

 

This, although there are mitigating circumstances which makes it not cut and dry.

 

For instance, situations involving serious medical conditions which require near 24 hour care, like Alzheimer's.

Dementia is the same.   You don't realize how bad someone suffers from it until you spend a ton of time with them, my mother could not believe how bad it was once my grandfather moved in with her.  He just faked knowing us for at least a year 

[Pine Barrens Mafia]

5 minutes ago, Soda Popinski said:

Dementia is the same.   You don't realize how bad someone suffers from it until you spend a ton of time with them, my mother could not believe how bad it was once my grandfather moved in with her.  He just faked knowing us for at least a year 

 

3 of my 4 grandparents died of alzheimers. It's the curse of my family. And watching them suffer through it made me hellbent that I never will.

 

[Soda Popinski]

I'm hoping they find some kind of either cure or symptom abatement  in the next 20 years.  I don't want to go down that road myself. 

[dpberr]

It depends.  If your loved one has Parkinson's or Alzheimers  or something similar where they need 24/7 supervision and care, those places can do it better than you and your family can.  My grandfather had Parkinson's and although my parents meant well,  they couldn't provide the necessary 24/7 care that required while working, while raising three children.  

 

The curse of living longer.  Used to be you'd stand a good chance of checking out in your late 60s to mid 70s.  Now if you retire at 65, you probably need enough resources to finance your health care until you're 90.  

[Mike in Horseheads]

19 hours ago, Another Fan said:

So this week my Grandma took a pretty nasty fall at her house where she's alone most of the time.   She's all right but still recovering. 

 

I do have an Aunt who lives very near by that takes care of her to a degree.  She has her own job/responsibilities/life though and don't know how much time she can keep emotionally investing in caretaking. 

 

Now my Grandma is as set in her ways as it gets so I doubt she'd ever go or agree.  If anything maybe a stay at home aid type of thing would assist.  Still I wonder how others feel in similar scenarios. 

My mom went to assisted because she refused to have any help at home but wasn't capable of being alone. Assisted living where she was was a very nice place and she had her own apartment. Unfortunately her health deteriorated further and she had to move to long term care (Nursing Home). now that type living sucks IMO