Tell a story of someone you knew who was just stupid/dumb

[Seasons1992]

1 hour ago, DC Tom said:

Well, there's this message board...

 

And we have a winner.

[BuffaloBill]

My mother always told me not to tell stories on myself.... how do I solve the conundrum of this thread? 

[Royale with Cheese]

51 minutes ago, DC Tom said:

 

My cats pay attention to me.  They also lick their own asses.  

 

Do you lick your own ass?  When you do, I'll credit you with paying attention.

 

How flexible do you think I am?

15 minutes ago, Cripple Creek said:

I know a guy who worked as a soda jerk during his college days. To this day he still harbors resentment towards a woman who was trying to help him improve his lot in life.

 

I prefer a gold lining, slivers are quite painful.

 

My wife likes rose gold.

[ExiledInIllinois]

 

[sherpa]

I'll tell two, both from my days in the Navy.

 

We were going on our first cruise on Kitty Hawk. Supposed to be a six month Pacific deployment-turned out to be nine, but that's another story. One of the other bachelor junior officers in our squadron had a Porsche 911. He figured he'd store in during the cruise, so he removed the insurance two weeks prior to deployment. You guessed it-his girlfriend was driving it two days before we left and burned in to the ground.

 

I was in the Pacific Fleet Adversary Squadron. We had 12 airplanes, but only two were two seaters.  Occasionally, some guy from another single seat squadron would need to fly in  a two-seater, maybe off for a while with some medical issue or something. Anyway, they'd put him in the back seat of one of our airplanes and go out to the warning area east of the Sierras and fly around on instruments for an hour and a half or so. Incredibly boring if you're in the front seat, so the junior guy always got it.

No reason to ever be below 15,000'.

Anyway, one Friday afternoon our new guy was assigned to do this and off he goes. Nobody is flying over the weekend, but Sunday night when the full maintenance Dept. comes in to prepare the airplanes for the upcoming week, one of their guys notices the top 4 inches of the vertical stabilizer, (what most guys would call the tale), is gone from that airplane.

As bad luck would have it, about 40 homes in an area in our warning area had called in to their power company that they had lost power Friday afternoon.

Power guys find a down cable and a four inch  piece of aluminum a couple hundred feet away that nobody could identify.

He had flown under it and cut it.

Fight as hard as our CO could, the guy lost his wings over that.

[Royale with Cheese]

3 minutes ago, sherpa said:

I'll tell two, both from my days in the Navy.

 

We were going on our first cruise on Kitty Hawk. Supposed to be a six month Pacific deployment-turned out to be nine, but that's another story. One of the other bachelor junior officers in our squadron had a Porsche 911. He figured he'd store in during the cruise, so he removed the insurance two weeks prior to deployment. You guessed it-his girlfriend was driving it two days before we left and burned in to the ground.

 

I was in the Pacific Fleet Adversary Squadron. We had 12 airplanes, but only two were two seaters.  Occasionally, some guy from another single seat squadron would need to fly in  a two-seater, maybe off for a while with some medical issue or something. Anyway, they'd put him in the back seat of one of our airplanes and go out to the warning area east of the Sierras and fly around on instruments for an hour and a half or so. Incredibly boring if you're in the front seat, so the junior guy always got it.

No reason to ever be below 15,000'.

Anyway, one Friday afternoon our new guy was assigned to do this and off he goes. Nobody is flying over the weekend, but Sunday night when the full maintenance Dept. comes in to prepare the airplanes for the upcoming week, one of their guys notices the top 4 inches of the vertical stabilizer, (what most guys would call the tale), is gone from that airplane.

As bad luck would have it, about 40 homes in an area in our warning area had called in to their power company that they had lost power Friday afternoon.

Power guys find a down cable and a four inch  piece of aluminum a couple hundred feet away that nobody could identify.

He had flown under it and cut it.

Fight as hard as our CO could, the guy lost his wings over that.

 

 

[bbb]

2 hours ago, Royale with Cheese said:

 

I was literally about to post that.  I learned that in college and it absolutely made sense...blew my mind there was actually a term for this.

 

This is one of my favorite quotes.  There were several other memes with this quote but I picked this one because there's an Asian in it.

 

 

This is something I have had to learn on Facebook.  Where do people find these "missing children" posts that say "it only takes 2 seconds to share" - and then inevitably - the kid was found 4 years ago, the post was from 4 years ago, and the kid lives in England. 

[RaoulDuke79]

Two items:

1. A lady I work with forgot where she parked at Costco and swore someone stole her car. She went in and reported it to the staff who called the police, who helped her locate it in another area of the parking lot. 

 

2. Somehow my wife mother in-law and I got on the subject of polo (the kind played on horseback). My mother in-law asks "How do the horses swim".

[WhoTom]

1 hour ago, bbb said:

 

This is something I have had to learn on Facebook.  Where do people find these "missing children" posts that say "it only takes 2 seconds to share" - and then inevitably - the kid was found 4 years ago, the post was from 4 years ago, and the kid lives in England. 

 

The "share" button should generate a pop-up that asks, "Did you check this on Snopes first?"

 

 

[Fadingpain]

2 hours ago, Cripple Creek said:

I know a guy who worked as a soda jerk during his college days. To this day he still harbors resentment towards a woman who was trying to help him improve his lot in life.

 

I prefer a gold lining, slivers are quite painful.

Sounds interesting.  Tell us more.

 

 

[ExiledInIllinois]

My father's brother, younger brother... My Uncle got a new car.  He put mud flaps on himself. This was back in the 1970s.  He comes over to show my father... Got all butt hurt when my father says:

 

"JESUS H. CHRIST!  This is why they make fun of us Polacks!"

 

My Uncle put the mud flaps on the front of the wheel wells. Was he planning on traveling in reverse a lot?

 

Then my father busts into how My Uncle was a Marine & how he was in the Army.

 

??

Edited August 9, 2018 by ExiledInIllinois

[bbb]

31 minutes ago, WhoTom said:

 

The "share" button should generate a pop-up that asks, "Did you check this on Snopes first?"

 

 

 

Exactly! 

[Marv's Neighbor]

4 hours ago, The Real Buffalo Joe said:

Friend of mine had a roommate. They went out to McDonald's and got a 20 piece nugget to split. I literally watched her go "One for me, one for you..." 20 times, instead of just counting ten out for each. The rent for their apartment was like $799. So my friend told her to give her the $400 so she can go pay the rent. "That doesn't add up! I think you're trying to rip me off!" My friend, instead of trying to argue with her, just said "Fine, give me $399." 

Same chick worked the deli counter at the local supermarket. I asked her for three quarters of a pound of turkey. She gives me like five slices. I tell her that's not enough. She tells me that's exactly what I ordered. She puts it back on the scale. "See! Three quarters!" I look at the scale. She gave me .3 pounds of turkey.

So is that what happened to TOPS?

[Jay_Fixit]

I’ve been posting with this guy who happens to live in Georgia, for about 10-15 years and he never shuts up about how he used to live in LA.

 

Another poster I’ve known for about the same amount of time...a local dentist, (he’s also short and hairy and claims to be Italian) likes to let you know when he’s at an airport. Yeah, one of those guys.

[RaoulDuke79]

40 minutes ago, Jay_Fixit said:

I’ve been posting with this guy who happens to live in Georgia, for about 10-15 years and he never shuts up about how he used to live in LA.

 

Another poster I’ve known for about the same amount of time...a local dentist, (he’s also short and hairy and claims to be Italian) likes to let you know when he’s at an airport. Yeah, one of those guys.

Not many things send a chill down my spine like the thought of being worked on by a hairy dentist.

Edited August 9, 2018 by RaoulDuke79

[Ridgewaycynic2013]

A welder on a construction project I worked at had the reputation of being 'snakebit' (unlucky).  He had to build a small movable platform that would fold up out of the way when vehicles would pass the structure.  As he was proudly demonstrating his design for the foreman and foreman's supervisors, he slammed it down into the 'in use' position, and cleaned off the flesh from one finger from the knuckle to the end.  Quite honestly, nobody was all that surprised when they heard who it happened to, or the fact he did it to himself.

Edited August 9, 2018 by Ridgewaycynic2013

[Augie]

4 hours ago, BuffaloBill said:

My mother always told me not to tell stories on myself.... how do I solve the conundrum of this thread? 

 

You have this friend......

[Another Fan]

I came across a lot of people I'd just say were naïve.  There was these two kids in my senior Math class Rob and Jeff who used to just jab at each other constantly albeit somewhat good willed.  Standard mama jokes like your mom is just like Ellis Island all the immigrants go through her, etc...   The teacher is totally blind to this all the time.  One time instead of writing sec x on the board she writes sex x.  At the same time she turns around and looks at the board Rob unloads a textbook across the room which smacks Jeff right in the face.  Everyone's hysterical laughing but this teacher was dumb enough to think they were laughing at her error. 

 

One of my friends wives can be a real PITA.  She'll make you take off your shoes so the carpet won't bring in dirt among many other anal-retentive characteristics.  So one day she's telling me she's upset the girl who reported to her left for another job.  What she failed to recognize was that I'm sure her engaging personality played a part

 

 

[Augie]

Bernie. Hands down.

 

His name wasn’t even Bernie, but he was a “large” guy, so he thought he’d make a better Bernie Parent staying in goal than all that moving around. He moved to WNY from Kansas where you can apparently get a permit at his 15 years old. It was good enough for his parents to let him take the car out full of neighborhood kids. I missed the day he went flying down a dirt country road, pushing that Nova as hard as it would go, egged on by teenage idiots. The fun stopped when he tried to fly across a ditch. Gravity won, the Nova was totaled. 

 

Nobody was hurt TOO seriously, but Bernie had the long walk of shame home. His mother met him on the front porch, asking where the car was. He said “it’s my fault mom, I was going 95 mph........ if I was going 100 I would have cleared that B word!” 

 

Every time he totaled his car, his parents got him a faster car. I don’t think they liked him. He often bragged that he would never live to see his 25th birthday. I wouldn’t bet against him (unless he’s currently preaching the good word), but I have some pretty funny stories! 

[Another Fan]

I didn’t actually “know” these two but were mostly all Bills fans here