Greatest Movie Monologue EVER

[Doyle Hargraves]

What Karl Did So Long Ago

written (and performed) by Billy Bob Thornton

 

 

 

Karl: I reckon what you'd wantin' to know is what I'ma doin' in here. I reckon the reason I'm in here cause I killed somebody. Mm-hmm. But I reckon that you'd wantin' to know is how come he killed somebody. So I reckon I'll start at the front. Mm-hmm. I lived out on my mother's and father's place. Most of my life in a little ole shed that my daddy built for me. Mm. They didn't too much want me up there in the house with the rest of 'em. Mm. But mostly I just sat around out there in the shed looking at the ground, mmm. I didn't have no floor out there. But I had me a hole dug out to lay down in. Mm. A quilt or two to put down there. Mm-hmm.

My father was a hard-workin' man most of his life. Not that I can say the same for myself. I mostly would just sit around out there in the shed tinkerin' around with a lawnmower or two. Went to school off and on from time to time. But the children out there they were very cruel to me, make quite a bit of sport of me, make fun of me quite a bit. But mostly I would just sit around out there, in the shed. My daddy worked down there at the saw mill down at the planter mill fer an old man named Dixon. And old man Dixon was a very cruel feller. Didn't treat his employees very well. Didn't pay 'em too much of a wage. Didn't pay my daddy too much of wage. Just barely enough to get by, I reckon. But I reckon he got by alright. Mm. They used to come out, one or the other of 'em, usually my mother, feed me pretty regular. Well, I know he made enough to where I could have mustard and biscuits three or four times a week. Mm, mm.

Well old man Dixon, he had a boy name was Jesse Dixon. Jesse was really more cruel than his daddy was. He used to make quite a bit of sport of me when I was down there at the schoolhouse. He used to take advantage of the little girls in the neighborhood. They used to say that my mother was a very pretty woman. They said that quite a bit from time-to-time while I'd be down there at the schoolhouse. Well, I reckon you want me to get on with it, and tell you what happen. So, I reckon I'll tell ye.

I was sittin' out there in the shed one evening, not doin' too much of nothin', just kinda starin' at the wall, mm, waitin' on my mother to come out and give me my Bible lesson. Mm. Mm-hmm. Well, I heard a co-motion up there in the house, mm, so I run up on the screened-in porch to see what is a goin' on. I looked in the winder there I seen my mother layin' a on the floor without any clothes on. Mm. I seen Jesse Dixon a layin' on top of here. He was a havin' his way with her. Well, I just seen red.

I picked up a kaiser blade just sittin' there by the screen door. Some folks call it a sling blade, I call it a kaiser blade. It gotta long wood handle, kinda like a ax-handle. With a long blade on it, shaped kinda like a bananer. Mm-hmm. Sharp on one edge, dull on the other. What the highwayboys use to cut down weeds and what-not. Well, I went in there in the house, and I hit Jesse Dixon upside the head with. Knocked him off my mother. Mm. I reckon that didn't quite satisfy me. So I hit him again with it in the neck with the sharp edge, just plum near cut his head off. Mm-hmm. Killed him.

My mother, she jumped up there and started hollerin' "What'd you kill Jesse fer? What'd you kill Jesse fer?" Well, mm, come to find out I don't reckon my mother minded what Jesse was a doin' to her. I reckon that made me madder than what Jesse'd made me. So, I takin' the kaiser blade; some folks call it a sling blade, I call it a kaiser blade; and I hit my mother up side the head with it. Killed her.

Some folks has asked me, "If you had it to do over again, would you do it the same way?" I reckon I would. Seein' how they seem fit to put in here. Here I been for a great long while. I learned to read some. Took me four years to read the Bible. I reckon I understand a great deal of it. More than what I expected in most places. I slept in a good bed for a great long while. Now they seem fit to put me outta here. They say they're settin' me free today. Any how, I reckon that's all you needin' to know. You wanna hear about more details; I reckon I can tell 'em to ye. I don't know whether or not that is enough for your newspaper or not. Mm-hmm.

Young Reporter: Will you ever kill anybody again, Karl?

[Long Pause]

Karl: I don't reckon I got no reason to kill nobody. Mm.

[brihs2005]

Not bad... Although one of my favorites is Alec Baldwin's monologue in GlenGarry GlenRoss.

[MattyT]

Personally, I like John 'Bluto' Blutarsky's speech:

 

Bluto: Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!

Otter: Germans?

Boon: Forget it, he's rolling.

Bluto: And it ain't over now. 'Cause when the goin' gets tough...

[thinks hard]

Bluto: the tough get goin'! Who's with me? Let's go!

[runs out, alone; then returns]

Bluto: What the !@#$ happened to the Delta I used to know? Where's the spirit? Where's the guts, huh? "Ooh, we're afraid to go with you Bluto, we might get in trouble." Well just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I'm not gonna take this. Wormer, he's a dead man! Marmalard, dead! Niedermeyer...

Otter: Dead!

[Doyle Hargraves]

I'm just getting warmed up!

 

Lieutenant Colonel Frank Slade "Out of Order"

written by Bo Goldman, from screenplay by Ruggero Maccari & Dino Risi, from novel by Giovanni Arpino

 

 

 

 

Mr. Trask: Mr. Sims, you are a cover-up artist and you are a liar. Col. Frank Slade: But not a snitch!

Trask: Excuse me?

Slade: No, I don't think I will. This is such a crock of sh--.

Trask: Mr. Slade, you will watch your language. You are at the Baird School now not a barracks. Now Mr. Sims I will give you one final opportunity to speak up.

Slade: Mr. Sims doesn't want it. He doesn't need to labeled, "...still worthy of being a 'Baird Man.'" What the hell is that? What is your motto here? Boys, inform on your classmates, save your hide. Anything short of that we're gonna burn you at the stake? Well, gentlemen. When the going gets tough, some guys run and some guys stay. Here's Charlie--facing the fire, and there's George--hiding in big Daddy's pocket. And what are you gonna do? You're gonna reward George, and destroy Charlie.

Trask: Are you finished, Mr. Slade?

Slade: No. I'm just gettin' warmed up. Now I don't know who went to this place--William Howard Taft, William Jennings Bryant, William Tell--whoever. Their spirit is dead; if they ever had one, it's gone. You're building a rat ship here. A vessel for sea going snitches. And if you think your preparing these minnows for manhood you better think again. Because I say you are killing the very spirit this institution proclaims it instills. What a sham! What kind of show are you guys puttin' on here today. I mean, the only class in this act is sittin' next to me. And I say, this boy's soul is in tact. It is non-negotiable. You know how I know. Because someone here--I'm not gonna say who--offered to buy it. Only Charlie here wasn't selling.

Mr.Trask: Sir, you are out of order!

Slade: Out of order, I'll show you out of order! You don't know what out of order is Mr.Trask! I'd show you but I'm too old, I'm too tired, and I'm too f****' blind. If I were the man I was five years ago I'd take a flame-thrower to this place. Out of order, who the hell do you think you're talking to? I've been around you know? There was a time I could see. And I have seen, boys like these, younger than these, their arms torn out, their legs ripped off. But there isn't nothin' like the sight of an amputated spirit, there is no prosthetic for that. You think you're merely sending this splendid foot-soldier back home to Oregon with his tail between his legs but I say that you are executing his soul. And why? Because he's not a Baird man. Baird men, you hurt this boy, you're going to be Baird Bums, the lot of ya. And Harry, Jimmy, Trent, wherever you are out there, !@#$ you too.

Mr. Trask: Stand down Mr. Slade!

Slade: I'm not finished! Now as I came in here, I heard those words...cradle of leadership. Well, when the bough breaks, the cradle will fall. And it has fallen here, it has fallen! Makers of men, creators of leaders, be careful what kind of leaders you're producing here. Now, I don't know if Charlie's silence here today is right or wrong; I'm no judge or jury. But I can tell you this: he won't sell anybody out to buy his future! And that my friends is called integrity, that's called courage. Now that's the stuff leaders should be made of. (pause) Now I have come to the crossroads in my days, and I have always known the right path, always, without exception, I knew. But I never took it, you know why? Because it's too damn hard. Now here's Charlie; he's come to the crossroads. And he's chosen a path, it's the right path. It's a path made of principle, that leads to character. Let him continue on his journey. You hold this boy's future in your hands committee! It's a valuable future. Believe me! Don't destroy...protect it...embrace it. It's gonna make you proud some day...I promise.

[Johnny Coli]

I listen to Howard Beale's rant from the movie "Network" (1976) at least once a week. Sometimes I'll listen to it all day long.

 

Here's a link to an mp3 of the monologue.

 

I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!

[udonkey]

In honor of March and one of my favorite holidays (St. Patrick's day), I give to you:

 

Boondock Saints - the courtroom scene:

 

Conner: Now you will receive us.

 

Murphy: We do not ask for your poor or your hungry.

 

Conner: We do not want your tired and sick.

 

Murphy: It is your corrupt we claim.

 

Conner: It is your evil that will be saught by us.

 

Murphy: With every breath we shall hunt them down.

 

Conner: Each day we will spill their blood ‘til it rains down from the skies.

 

Murphy: Do not kill, do not rape, do not steal. These are principles, which every man of every faith can embrace.

 

Conner: These are not polite suggestions, these are codes of behavior and those of you that ignore them will pay the dearest cost.

 

Murphy: There are varying degrees of evil. We urge you lesser forms of filth not to push the bounds and cross over into true corruption, into our domain.

 

Conner: But if you do you, one day you will look behind you and you will see we three, and on that day, you will reap it.

 

Murphy: And we will send you to whatever god you wish.

 

All three: And shepherds we shall be, for thee my Lord for thee, power hath descended forthfrom thy hand, that our feet may swiftly carry out thy command. We shall flow a river forth to thee, and teeming with souls shall it ever be.

 

Il Duce: In nomine patrie,

 

Conner: Et fili

 

Murphy: Spiritus sancti

[mary owen]

What Karl Did So Long Ago

written (and performed) by Billy Bob Thornton

Karl: I reckon what you'd wantin' to know is what I'ma doin' in here. I reckon the reason I'm in here cause I killed somebody. Mm-hmm. But I reckon that you'd wantin' to know is how come he killed somebody. So I reckon I'll start at the front. Mm-hmm. I lived out on my mother's and father's place. Most of my life in a little ole shed that my daddy built for me. Mm. They didn't too much want me up there in the house with the rest of 'em. Mm. But mostly I just sat around out there in the shed looking at the ground, mmm. I didn't have no floor out there. But I had me a hole dug out to lay down in. Mm. A quilt or two to put down there. Mm-hmm.

My father was a hard-workin' man most of his life. Not that I can say the same for myself. I mostly would just sit around out there in the shed tinkerin' around with a lawnmower or two. Went to school off and on from time to time. But the children out there they were very cruel to me, make quite a bit of sport of me, make fun of me quite a bit. But mostly I would just sit around out there, in the shed. My daddy worked down there at the saw mill down at the planter mill fer an old man named Dixon. And old man Dixon was a very cruel feller. Didn't treat his employees very well. Didn't pay 'em too much of a wage. Didn't pay my daddy too much of wage. Just barely enough to get by, I reckon. But I reckon he got by alright. Mm. They used to come out, one or the other of 'em, usually my mother, feed me pretty regular. Well, I know he made enough to where I could have mustard and biscuits three or four times a week. Mm, mm.

Well old man Dixon, he had a boy name was Jesse Dixon. Jesse was really more cruel than his daddy was. He used to make quite a bit of sport of me when I was down there at the schoolhouse. He used to take advantage of the little girls in the neighborhood. They used to say that my mother was a very pretty woman. They said that quite a bit from time-to-time while I'd be down there at the schoolhouse. Well, I reckon you want me to get on with it, and tell you what happen. So, I reckon I'll tell ye.

I was sittin' out there in the shed one evening, not doin' too much of nothin', just kinda starin' at the wall, mm, waitin' on my mother to come out and give me my Bible lesson. Mm. Mm-hmm. Well, I heard a co-motion up there in the house, mm, so I run up on the screened-in porch to see what is a goin' on. I looked in the winder there I seen my mother layin' a on the floor without any clothes on. Mm. I seen Jesse Dixon a layin' on top of here. He was a havin' his way with her. Well, I just seen red.

I picked up a kaiser blade just sittin' there by the screen door. Some folks call it a sling blade, I call it a kaiser blade. It gotta long wood handle, kinda like a ax-handle. With a long blade on it, shaped kinda like a bananer. Mm-hmm. Sharp on one edge, dull on the other. What the highwayboys use to cut down weeds and what-not. Well, I went in there in the house, and I hit Jesse Dixon upside the head with. Knocked him off my mother. Mm. I reckon that didn't quite satisfy me. So I hit him again with it in the neck with the sharp edge, just plum near cut his head off. Mm-hmm. Killed him.

My mother, she jumped up there and started hollerin' "What'd you kill Jesse fer? What'd you kill Jesse fer?" Well, mm, come to find out I don't reckon my mother minded what Jesse was a doin' to her. I reckon that made me madder than what Jesse'd made me. So, I takin' the kaiser blade; some folks call it a sling blade, I call it a kaiser blade; and I hit my mother up side the head with it. Killed her.

Some folks has asked me, "If you had it to do over again, would you do it the same way?" I reckon I would. Seein' how they seem fit to put in here. Here I been for a great long while. I learned to read some. Took me four years to read the Bible. I reckon I understand a great deal of it. More than what I expected in most places. I slept in a good bed for a great long while. Now they seem fit to put me outta here. They say they're settin' me free today. Any how, I reckon that's all you needin' to know. You wanna hear about more details; I reckon I can tell 'em to ye. I don't know whether or not that is enough for your newspaper or not. Mm-hmm.

Young Reporter: Will you ever kill anybody again, Karl?

[Long Pause]

Karl: I don't reckon I got no reason to kill nobody. Mm.

261933[/snapback]

 

great name. If I had a band, I'd name it the Doyle Hargrave Experience.

Dwight Yokam is one great actor.

[MDH]

I listen to Howard Beale's rant from the movie "Network" (1976) at least once a week.  Sometimes I'll listen to it all day long.

 

Here's a link to an mp3 of the monologue.

 

I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!

261968[/snapback]

 

That's the famous one, but I always prefered the monologue Ned Beatty gives in Network...one of the best I've ever seen. It's a long read, but worth it.

 

You have meddled with the primal forces of nature, Mr. Beale, and I won't have it, is that clear?! You think you have merely stopped a business deal -- that is not the case! The Arabs have taken billions of dollars out of this country, and now they must put it back. It is ebb and flow, tidal gravity, it is ecological balance! You are an old man who thinks in terms of nations and peoples. There are no nations! There are no peoples! There are no Russians. There are no Arabs! There are no third worlds! There is no West! There is only one holistic system of systems, one vast and immane, interwoven, interacting, multi-variate, multi-national dominion of dollars! petro-dollars, electro-dollars, multi-dollars!, Reichmarks, rubles, rin, pounds and shekels! It is the international system of currency that determines the totality of life on this planet! That is the natural order of things today! That is the atomic, subatomic and galactic structure of things today! And you have meddled with the primal forces of nature, and you will atone! Am I getting through to you, Mr. Beale? (pause) You get up on your little twenty-one inch screen, and howl about America and democracy. There is no America. There is no democracy. There is only IBM and ITT and AT&T and Dupont, Dow, Union Carbide and Exxon. Those are the nations of the world today. What do you think the Russians talk about in their councils of state -- Karl Marx? They pull out their linear programming charts, statistical decision theories and minimax solutions and compute the price-cost probabilities of their transactions and investments just like we do.

 

We no longer live in a world of nations and ideologies, Mr. Beale. The world is a college of corporations, inexorably deter- mined by the immutable by-laws of business. The world is a business, Mr. Beale! It has been since man crawled out of the slime, and our children, Mr.Beale, will live to see that perfect world in which there is no war and famine, oppression and brutality --one vast and ecumenical holding company, for whom all men will work to serve a common profit, in which all men will hold a share of stock, all necessities provided, all anxieties tranquilized, all boredom amused. And I have chosen you to preach this evangel, Mr. Beale.

[Doyle Hargraves]

great name. If I had a band, I'd name it the Doyle Hargrave Experience.

Dwight Yokam is one great actor.

261981[/snapback]

 

 

"Frankie, you're a weird little $h1T and I don't get ya...."

[mary owen]

"Frankie, you're a weird little $h1T and I don't get ya...."

263598[/snapback]

 

 

"...this one begat that one and that one begat this one, begat begat begat, and someone said some sh*t, hey Karl just what kind of retard are you anyway?"

 

 

(or something to that effect)

 

"...i know the po-leece...they're on my side! I play cards with JD Shellnut!"

 

(again, haven't watched it in a while so my quotes might be a little off)

[Doyle Hargraves]

"...this one begat that one and that one begat this one, begat begat begat, and someone said some sh*t, hey Karl just what kind of retard are you anyway?"

 

 

(or something to that effect)

 

"...i know the po-leece...they're on my side! I play cards with JD Shellnut!"

 

(again, haven't watched it in a while so my quotes might be a little off)

263606[/snapback]

 

I have admitted you into the fan club....Best movie ever made. I can tell you have seen it more than once.

 

"Ya don't want to question genius Morris a modern day poet...just like in olden times"

[R. Rich]

I remember when Sling Blade came out and Roger Ebert's review called it arguably the best film of all time. It's close. Very good monologue.

 

So, why was it that the lawnmower wouldn't work right?

[mary owen]

I have admitted you into the fan club....Best movie ever made.  I can tell you have seen it more than once.

 

"Ya don't want  to question genius Morris a modern day poet...just like in olden times"

263613[/snapback]

 

 

I'm honeored Doyle. Thanks!

 

"...tuning's what you do. You're a tune smith..."

 

and how about the great cameo by Duvall? Karl's senile old man. Brilliant I tells ya, brilliant!

[mary owen]

I remember when Sling Blade came out and Roger Ebert's review called it arguably the best film of all time.  It's close.  Very good monologue.

 

So, why was it that the lawnmower wouldn't work right?

263616[/snapback]

 

 

"it aint got no gas in it"

[Doyle Hargraves]

"it aint got no gas in it"

263622[/snapback]

 

 

"Did ya check them points?"

[Doyle Hargraves]

"Did ya check them points?"

263652[/snapback]

 

 

A Mercury is a good car and that's

what I was driving that day. I've

owned a lot of cars. Different

kinds. Lots of different kinds of

cars. She was standing, this girl,

on the side of the street where

there was a chicken stand; not the

Colonel, mind you, but nevertheless

a chicken stand, and I pulled the

Mercury over and rolled down the

window by electric power.

[Nirvjam]

Don't forget George C. Scott's monologue at the beginning of Patton:

 

 

Now, I want you to remember that no bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country. Men, all this stuff you’ve heard about America not wanting to fight, wanting to stay out of the war, is a lot of horse dung. Americans traditionally love to fight. All real Americans love the sting of battle. When you were kids, you all admired the champion marble shooter, the fastest runner, the big league ball player, the toughest boxer. Americans love a winner and will not tolerate a loser. Americans play to win all the time. I wouldn’t give a hoot in hell for a man who lost and laughed. That’s why Americans have never lost and will never lose a war. Because the very thought of losing is hateful to Americans.

 

Now, an Army is a team. It lives, eats, sleeps, fights as a team. This individuality stuff is a bunch of crap. The bilious bastards who wrote that stuff about individuality for the Saturday Evening Post don’t know anything more about real battle than they do about fornicating.

 

We have the finest food and equipment, the best spirit and the best men in the world. You know, by God I actually pity those poor bastards we’re going up against. By God, I do. We’re not just going to shoot the bastards, we’re going to cut out their living guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks. We’re going to murder those lousy Hun bastards by the bushel.

 

Now, some of you boys, I know, are wondering whether or not you'll chicken out under fire. Don't worry about it. I can assure you that you will all do your duty. The Nazis are the enemy. Wade into them. Spill their blood. Shoot them in the belly. When you put your hand into a bunch of goo that a moment before was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do.

 

Now there’s another thing I want you to remember. I don’t want to get any messages saying that we are holding our position. We’re not holding anything. Let the Hun do that. We are advancing constantly and we’re not interested in holding onto anything except the enemy. We're going to hold onto him by the nose and we're going to kick him in the ass. We're going to kick the hell out of him all the time and we're gonna go through him like crap through a goose.

 

There’s one thing that you men will be able to say when you get back home. And you may thank God for it. Thirty years from now when you’re sitting around your fireside with your grandson on your knee and he asks you what did you do in the great World War II, you won’t have to say, "Well, I shoveled sh-- in Louisiana."

 

Alright now, you sons-of-bitches, you know how I feel. Oh, and I will be

proud to lead you wonderful guys into battle – anytime, anywhere.

 

That’s all.

[OnTheRocks]

not really a monologue, and i don't have copy of it or a link to it....

 

 

...but if you have ever seen the movie "Swingers" when the guy tries to call the girl about 20 times and each time the answering machine beeps on him because his message time runs out. and then the girl finally picks up on the 20th call and says, "don't ever call me again."

 

 

 

ooooooooooo...man....i can feel that guys pain. i have never been there. but i could just really sympathize.

[IDBillzFan]

Not bad... Although one of my favorites is Alec Baldwin's monologue in GlenGarry GlenRoss.

261949[/snapback]

I've spent 20 minutes searching for that monologue because when I saw this thread, this was the first thing I thought of. His total time in that movie lasted 10 minutes, and yet it was one of the best scenes in the movie bar none. Too bad I can't find it because the steak knives bit was great.

[Shameless Homer]

I listen to Howard Beale's rant from the movie "Network" (1976) at least once a week. Sometimes I'll listen to it all day long.

 

I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!

261968[/snapback]

 

This scares me.