Hear Any Good Jokes Lately?

[The Real Buffalo Joe]

Post jokes here.

[NobesBLO13]

Nothing clean

[BringBackFergy]

Doug Whaley, Tim Murray and a duck walk into a bar...

[Just Jack]

Post jokes here.

You start

[CountDorkula]

 

Dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that's a popular cemetery? Yep, people are just dying to get in there!

 

[Royale with Cheese]

Why did the picture go to jail?

Because he was framed!

[K D]

Grasshopper walks into a bar, the bartender says wow I've never served someone who has a drink named after them. Grasshopper says, "you have a drink named Steve?"

[eball]

What's the difference between three dicks and a joke?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ScottLaw can't take a joke

Edited September 15, 2017 by eball

[Koko78]

A lumberjack is in the hospital with a broken arm. Doctor comes in, after the x-rays, and says, "Definitely broken. We need to set the bone so we can put a cast on it, and it's going to hurt. We will give you something for the pain."

 

Lumberjack looks at him and says, "I've only ever felt pain twice in my life, I don't need anything."

 

The doctor looks at him incredulously and asks him, "Only twice? What happened?"

 

"Well, one day I was in the woods and I had to take a crap. So I dropped my pants, squatted down and got my balls caught in a bear trap!"

 

The doctor, quite astonished by the tale, asks says "Wow, what was the second time?"

 

"When I reached the end of the chain."

 

[dib]

A Roman soldier walks into a bar and says "I want a martunis"

The bartender says "Don't you mean martini?"

The Roman says "If I had wanted more than one I would have asked for them"

[Marv's Neighbor]

16-0

[TSOL]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of the front of his trousers. Walks up to the bartender and orders a beer.

 

The bartender looks at him and says "I'll get you that beer, but first you gotta tell me what the steering wheel is for."

 

The pirate looks at the bartender and says "AARRGG! It be drivin' me NUTS!"

[Canadian Bills Fan]

A man is standing by his car one morning looking upset. He was scratching his head. His neighbor, at the same time was leaving for work and came over to see what happend.

 

"What happened?" Asked the neighbor

 

The man replied "I left two Jets tickets on my dash last night and some jerk smashed in my window and left me two more!"

 

 

 

 

CBF

[LeviF]

A man comes home from work to find his pet bird laying at the bottom of the cage, limp.

 

He rushes the bird to the emergency animal clinic and with one look the vet says, "yep, that bird's dead."

 

The man says "how can you be sure? You only looked at her!"

 

The vet sighs and says, "alright, we can triple check to be sure." The vet leaves the room and comes back in with a big black dog. The dog walks over to the limp bird, gives it a sniff and a lick, and sadly shakes his head at the vet before exiting the room.

 

As soon as the dog left, in walked a kitten. He jumped up next to the bird and did the same thing, just shaking its head and sadly meowing at the vet before leaving.

 

The man says, "wow, that's amazing, I guess you were right." When he leaves the secretary hands him his bill.

 

The man bursts back into the vet's office and screams, "FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS!!???? All you did was look at my bird!"

 

The vet says to him, "well if I had only looked at the bird it would have been twenty dollars, but the lab report and cat scan are extra."

[WhoTom]

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"

 

A guy walks into a bar wearing a set of jumper cables.

The bartender says, "Don't start anything."

 

A guy walks into a bar and says, "Ow!"

[DC Tom]

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a palm tree?

 

Elephant palm tree sine theta.

[WhoTom]

A trigonometry professor with ADHD could never finish a lecture; he kept going off on tangents.

Whenever he got sidetracked, his students knew it was a bad sine.

[DC Tom]

So Descartes walks in to a bar. The bartender asks him if he wants a beer. Descartes responds "I think not" and disappears.

[Royale with Cheese]

What do you call a fake noodle?

- an Impasta

[ChevyVanMiller]

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am.

'About 32,' is the reply.' ...
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

'I was behind you at McDonalds'