Kirby Jackson Posted July 16, 2017 Posted July 16, 2017 After reading the comedy thread and seeing some Hedberg lines fly around figured it be fun to just have a bunch of Hedberg jokes in one place. Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move.
Royale with Cheese Posted July 16, 2017 Posted July 16, 2017 My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said no but wanted a regular banana later so yeah.
Royale with Cheese Posted July 16, 2017 Posted July 16, 2017 A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.
RaoulDuke79 Posted July 16, 2017 Posted July 16, 2017 I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too.
4merper4mer Posted July 16, 2017 Posted July 16, 2017 Thank you. You've been a great audience. Good night.
Wayne Cubed Posted July 16, 2017 Posted July 16, 2017 Couple of my favorite: I like escalators, because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. There would never be an "Escalator Temporarily Out of Order" sign. Only an "Escalator Temporarily Stairs... Sorry for the Convenience." I say that every time I see a broken escalator. One time a guy handed me a picture, he said "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger.
Maury Ballstein Posted July 16, 2017 Posted July 16, 2017 Every book is a children's book if the kid can read.
Pete Posted July 16, 2017 Posted July 16, 2017 Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic! Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus! One of those two doesn't sound right.
Wooderson Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 "If you ever get lost in the woods, f*** it, build a house. I was lost, but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament." "I write jokes for a living, I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny."
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