Gavin in Va Beach Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 ...I'm a Retrosexual. *** After searching and searching for my sexual identity. I finally discovered it and I can no longer keep it in the closet. I am here to openly announce that I am a Retrosexual. My Retrosexuality is defined by the following Retrosexual code: A Retrosexual, no matter what the women insists, pays for the date. A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female. A Retrosexual DEALS with shiat. Be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you farkING DEAL WITH IT. A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself. A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you. A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.) A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "dealing with shiat" portion of The Code. A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title. A Retrosexual does not let neighbors fark up rooms in his house on national TV. A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for poontang. Some is inevitable, but major re-invention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it. A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak treechipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH shiat. When you farked up, he DEALT with you. Buck up kitty. A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey. A Retrosexual knows how to tie a farking windsor knot when wearing a tie. A Retrosexual does not strip naked, get into a sweat lodge, and bang on drums to bond with other guys. That shiat is gay. However dressing in kilts, banging on drums around a campfire, and drinking heavily is just fine. A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting. A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a damn nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be. A Retrosexual's !@#$ is an exit ramp on the road of life. Ladies, contrary to what Cosmo says, spontaneously sticking a finger back there is a good way to be launched off the bed (or if Duff's hotwings have been recently consumed, lose a finger). Make you a deal, we won't mess with yours unless you want us to, and you won't mess with ours period. A Retrosexual will buy feminine hygine products if he has to, but only under protest. This falls under unpleasant things you have to farking DEAL with. Get some Hagen-Daas while your at it. A Retrosexual gives a lady his seat on the bus/subway/etc. A Retrosexual does not order an apple martini at the bar. A Martini has farking gin and vermouth in it dammit. And maybe an olive. In fact, why not just get a beer and a shot of scotch?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alaska Darin Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 Awesome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MavBavButav Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 a retrosexual does not make a post telling other dudes that he's a retrosexual...cause nobody cares. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Talonz Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 Um, I will file this one under " WHO FREAKING CARES!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stuckincincy Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 Speaking of "Retro", wasn't this list posted before? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nervous Guy Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 here I thought you were going to confess to being a Log Cabin Republican! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beerball Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 here I thought you were going to confess to being a Log Cabin Republican! 252937[/snapback] They used to make good syrup. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 What a Freak'n Tool! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
billsfanone Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 "A Retrosexual gives a lady his seat on the bus/subway/etc. " Not if she's fat or ugly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alaska Darin Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 "A Retrosexual gives a lady his seat on the bus/subway/etc. " Not if she's fat or ugly. 252944[/snapback] implied. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pine Barrens Mafia Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 "A Retrosexual gives a lady his seat on the bus/subway/etc. " Not if she's fat or ugly. 252944[/snapback] Actually he does. It's the right theing to do since they're all wet and pink on the inside. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gavin in Va Beach Posted February 25, 2005 Author Share Posted February 25, 2005 Actually he does. It's the right theing to do since they're all wet and pink on the inside. 252947[/snapback] So's a watermelon, but I ain't farking that either... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grant Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 I'ma gunna go shee-yoo-t sum uv dem cuh-razy "per-gressive" folks. We dun want no "poon poon puss" gettin' in our way of killin' shiat when we're deee-lin' with shiat. Buck 'em, cowboy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stuckincincy Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 They used to make good syrup. 252940[/snapback] So did "Vermont Maid". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pine Barrens Mafia Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 So's a watermelon, but I ain't farking that either... 252948[/snapback] OK then, warm wet and pink. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alaska Darin Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 OK then, warm wet and pink. 252966[/snapback] Watermelon in a microwave? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beerball Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 Watermelon in a microwave? 252972[/snapback] I was thinking salmon swimming upriver. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussiew Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 Very strange.....this sounds just like our Frosty friend from Oklahoma. He should have gotten along just peachy with y'all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ajzepp Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 Retrosexuals are also apparently very long winded.......Fake Fat Sunny is long winded....therefore, FFS must be a retrosexual, too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terry Tate Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 ...I'm a Retrosexual. *** After searching and searching for my sexual identity. I finally discovered it and I can no longer keep it in the closet. I am here to openly announce that I am a Retrosexual. 252909[/snapback] You sound like a regular guy. They meet most of the above criteria, except they don't: 1. Search and search for their sexual identity. 2. Refer to themselves using any term that includes the word 'sexual'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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