3rdnlng Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 There are a lot of times I see a funny joke and would like to post it here but there are no appropriate threads for it. I thought that if we had a thread just for jokes we could put them here and not mess up other threads. I'll start with one: A Navy SEAL walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "just got this state-of-the-art Apple watch, and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" He says, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The Navy SEAL smirks, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast." And that, my friends... is confidence!
B-Man Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch. First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows." Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows." Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows." Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp. First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend." Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting. He yells out: "You're not getting any of my cows!" First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish, let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."
DC Tom Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 A blonde is walking along a river. She looks across the river and sees another blonde. She looks up and down the river...not a bridge in sight. So she shouts across to the second blonde "Hey...how'd you get on the other side of the river?" The second blonde stops, looks at the first blonde with a puzzled look on her face, then shouts back "What do you mean? YOU'RE on the other side of the river!"
Canadian Bills Fan Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 A guy was getting for work one morning and noticed his neighbor outside inspecting his car and looking upset. The neighbor went outside and asked what happened The neighbor said "I left 2 Leafs tickets on my dash last night and some jerk smashed in my window and left me 2 more" CBF
Beerball Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 OK, you guys finish this for me: A gugny walks into a bar...
eball Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 Pretty much every non-pinned thread on TSW right now.
DC Tom Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 Question on the final exam for a graduate-level string theory class: "Describe the universe in 400 words or less. Give three examples."
Not a Hamster Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 Why did the humanw crossm the road? To getm to the bathroomw that matchedm the genderm he identiedm withw that day. God youx humans are suchw a wastem of protoplasmw. At leastm a gerbilw knowsm what parts are for what.
Beef Jerky Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 (edited) Why was 6 afraid of 7? B.c 7 gave 9 AIDS Edited April 20, 2016 by Beef Jerky
/dev/null Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 How did the mathematician solve his constipation problem? He worked it out with a pencil
CountDorkula Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other? ILean What do you call and Asian girl with one leg shorter than the other? IRean
The Poojer Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 That joke works so much better if you spell the names correctly :-) What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other? ILean What do you call and Asian girl with one leg shorter than the other? IRean
CountDorkula Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 What did Ernie say to Bert when asked if he wanted ice cream? Sure-Burt!
DC Tom Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 What did Ernie say to Bert when asked if he wanted ice cream? Sure-Burt! I want to stab that joke in the head and dump its corpse in a river, it's so pathetic.
ChevyVanMiller Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 This joke always goes over really well when I tell it. A woman gets on a bus holding her baby. As she is fumbling for the correct fare the bus driver looks up and says, "Jesus, that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen."The woman is too stunned to answer. Tears spill down her cheeks as she pays the fare and goes to her seat.The guy in the seat next to her looks over and says, "Excuse me, but you seem upset, is everything okay?"The woman responds, "No, I'm not okay. The bus driver just said the rudest thing to me.""What did you say back?" asks the man."Why, nothing. I was too hurt to speak.""Well, if you don't mind me saying, I've been taking lot of self improvement courses and I've learned that you can't take that sort of abuse quietly. It will eat you up inside. You need to march right back up there and give that bus driver a piece of your mind," the man tells her."Do you really think so?" she asks. "Absolutely! Here, I'll hold your monkey."
B-Man Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, "Oy vey! What a wreck!" The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?" The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken." The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves." The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?" "Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'."
Deranged Rhino Posted April 20, 2016 Posted April 20, 2016 Here's one of my all time favorite jokes told by one of my all time favorite people from one of the first gigs I ever worked. A little side story on this scene, only Larry knew what Bob (Marty) was going to say so Jerry's reactions throughout the joke are genuine and priceless. This was the only take because Bob and Larry wanted it to be a real reaction, literally everyone on set was in stitches and trying to hold it in. Jason Alexander had to leave the stage. A second side note about this joke, in the 90s Bob was asked to introduce his producer at a big event hosted by a bunch of politicians from Canada (which is where they used to film the old Super Dave shows), lots of big wigs in Canadian politics were there including the new female prime minister. Bob's partner made him promise before the event that no matter what jokes he told, he wouldn't tell that one. Bob agreed, but once he got on stage and into his speech, he felt the room and decided to go for it. To hear him tell this story is far funnier, but he said the moment he got the first line of the joke out of his mouth (about the size of the woman's opening) the room went deathly quiet. He knew right away the joke was a mistake and was going to bomb but he was already in the middle of it. So he flies through the joke -- literally talking three times as fast as normal in an effort to speed through it, which only makes the joke funnier -- and when he got to the punchline there wasn't a single laugh or reaction. Just the silence of failure. Without skipping a beat he turns to the new female prime minister and deadpans, "See, Kim, I told you they wouldn't like that one." The whole room lost it with laughter.
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