CoachChuckDickerson Posted February 17, 2005 Share Posted February 17, 2005 We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those of you whohate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the......... Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure. ESCAPEE Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee) Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosedlocation. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you havejust stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom. THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN) Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVEN Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH wit an ASTAIRE. UNCLE TED Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. FLY BY Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. CRACK WHORE Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and sh-- streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN. BED OF REST Definition: The creation of a hammock from toilet paper just above the water line, thus cushioning the fall of a turd. Extremely effective in averting a possible WATERMELON incident. However, such a construction cannot be expected to cope with a HANAVA OMELET. Also, the complete lack of sound emmitting from your stall may alert an UNCLE TED of suspicious activity. Discreetion is required before using this technique. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Talonz Posted February 17, 2005 Share Posted February 17, 2005 Ah, a post I could live without... SIGH Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bartshan-83 Posted February 17, 2005 Share Posted February 17, 2005 I've never actually laughed out loud at a computer screen, but that one got me. I really don't know why it was so funny but my eyes are watering. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johnny Coli Posted February 17, 2005 Share Posted February 17, 2005 I applaud you, sir. That post is genius. Well done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Movinon Posted February 17, 2005 Share Posted February 17, 2005 My ex is a crack whore Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CoachChuckDickerson Posted February 17, 2005 Author Share Posted February 17, 2005 I applaud you, sir. That post is genius. Well done. 243675[/snapback] I wish I could take the credit for writing it. I was an email I recieved froma buddy. Good stuff. We have all been there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stevestojan Posted February 17, 2005 Share Posted February 17, 2005 I wish I could take the credit for writing it. I was an email I recieved froma buddy. Good stuff. We have all been there. 243684[/snapback] I have no problem taking a work dump, but the mens room here is a crap shoot (seriously, no pun intended). There are 4 doored stalls, but one is huuuuuuuge (it is the handicapped one, but you could fit roughly 12 wheelchairs in it). We refer to it as teh executive suite. If that's taken, and if i can, I'll hold it and come back later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CoachChuckDickerson Posted February 17, 2005 Author Share Posted February 17, 2005 I have no problem taking a work dump, but the mens room here is a crap shoot (seriously, no pun intended). There are 4 doored stalls, but one is huuuuuuuge (it is the handicapped one, but you could fit roughly 12 wheelchairs in it). We refer to it as teh executive suite. If that's taken, and if i can, I'll hold it and come back later. 243696[/snapback] You would be classified as an "OUT OF THE CLOSET/FLYER BY". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zow2 Posted February 17, 2005 Share Posted February 17, 2005 The "safe haven" baby! I'll walk in driving rain and snow to the underused building next door where i always get a 3 stall bathroom all to myself when needed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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