DC Tom Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 URGENT CALL TO ORDER: In view of the unfolding crisis in Kaliningrad, the United Nations Security Council has called an emergency session. SECURITY COUNCIL USA: Azalin UK: Levi FRANCE: Dev CHINA: ...Lybob RUSSIA: Taro T NON PERMANENT S.C. MEMBERS: IRAN: JoeSixPack JAPAN: Chef CANADA: KD in CT MEXICO: Gary ISRAEL: FireChan COLUMBIA: Keukasmallies GERMANY: Gatorman CUBA: Nanker CRISIS IN KALININGRAD: Brief: Tensions between Poland and Russia have escalated in the past eighteen months: * In 2012 the Russian military deployed short range ballistic missiles in Kaliningrad, the Russian enclave that shares a 232 km border with Poland and is an important warm water port for Russia's Baltic fleet. It was a move that rankled Polish officials who warned of rising Russian aggression. * Russia's controversial annexation of Crimea in 2014 only confirmed those fears in Polish military circles. * In March of 2015, Russia deployed their nuclear-capable Iskander missiles into the region while Poland has increased their defense spending, something decried by the Kremlin. * The military build up by both nations have resulted in a series of large protests along the border. In recent weeks these protests have become increasingly violent, matching the rhetoric coming from both Poland and Russian nationals. Polish military officials claim that Russian GRU agents have been stoking the regional tensions, while Russian officials have made repeated claims of anti-Russian propaganda being funneled into Kaliningrad from Polish intelligence agents. NEWS BREAK: Approximately two and a half hours ago, a bomb destroyed a popular hotel and two adjoining buildings in the Russian enclave of Kaliningrad. There hasn't been confirmation on the number of casualties as of yet, but early reports are it's at least 800 and likely to rise. Many of the dead are family members of Russian military personnel stationed in the area. Two Polish nationals have been detained at the border and are currently being held by Russian officials for questioning. More updates will come as the situation unfolds, but right now we have reached a crisis point. Poland and Russia are on the brink of war. Can the UN do anything to help this ever changing situation? I remember when the Nazis did this in Gleiwitz, to justify invading Poland. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chef Jim Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 A bar customer asked the bartender if he wanted to hear a Polack joke. The bartender pointed to a large man at the end of the bar and said, "He's Polish." Then the bartender pointed to a burly policeman near the door and repeated, "He's Polish." The bartender finished, "Now think about whether you want to tell that joke, because I'm Polish, too." The customer replied, "I guess I won't tell that joke after all. I'd have to explain it three times." SUSHI!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeviF Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Yo, Russia, mind if we send some UN investigative types to check this out? Better that than a run-in with NATO once you flip a **** and invade Poland for seemingly no reason. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azalin Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 URGENT CALL TO ORDER: In view of the unfolding crisis in Kaliningrad, the United Nations Security Council has called an emergency session. SECURITY COUNCIL USA: Azalin UK: Levi FRANCE: Dev CHINA: ...Lybob RUSSIA: Taro T NON PERMANENT S.C. MEMBERS: IRAN: JoeSixPack JAPAN: Chef CANADA: KD in CT MEXICO: Gary ISRAEL: FireChan COLUMBIA: Keukasmallies GERMANY: Gatorman CUBA: Nanker CRISIS IN KALININGRAD: Brief: Tensions between Poland and Russia have escalated in the past eighteen months: * In 2012 the Russian military deployed short range ballistic missiles in Kaliningrad, the Russian enclave that shares a 232 km border with Poland and is an important warm water port for Russia's Baltic fleet. It was a move that rankled Polish officials who warned of rising Russian aggression. * Russia's controversial annexation of Crimea in 2014 only confirmed those fears in Polish military circles. * In March of 2015, Russia deployed their nuclear-capable Iskander missiles into the region while Poland has increased their defense spending, something decried by the Kremlin. * The military build up by both nations have resulted in a series of large protests along the border. In recent weeks these protests have become increasingly violent, matching the rhetoric coming from both Poland and Russian nationals. Polish military officials claim that Russian GRU agents have been stoking the regional tensions, while Russian officials have made repeated claims of anti-Russian propaganda being funneled into Kaliningrad from Polish intelligence agents. NEWS BREAK: Approximately two and a half hours ago, a bomb destroyed a popular hotel and two adjoining buildings in the Russian enclave of Kaliningrad. There hasn't been confirmation on the number of casualties as of yet, but early reports are it's at least 800 and likely to rise. Many of the dead are family members of Russian military personnel stationed in the area. Two Polish nationals have been detained at the border and are currently being held by Russian officials for questioning. More updates will come as the situation unfolds, but right now we have reached a crisis point. Poland and Russia are on the brink of war. Can the UN do anything to help this ever changing situation? The United States of America condemns, in the strongest possible terms, the rogue entities that perpetrated this murderous act, and stands in solidarity with the Russian people in their time of grief and unimaginable loss. As a show of faith to both the Russian people and their leaders, the United States has agreed to reduce it's nuclear arsenal by a full 28% by year's end, with the enriched plutonium taken from the disarmed missiles and handed over to the Iranian people to aid them in advancing their capability to produce functional nuclear power plants. In addition, the United States will increase both Borscht and Nesting Doll imports, while simultaneously launching an aggressive campaign to maintain the derogatory status of the term 'Polak'. Both Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton have been granted Ambassador status and are being deployed to Moscow, where they will be organizing the Million Man Occupation of Red Square, protesting the lack of African-Russians in governmental positions of significance. We are certain that our meaningless gestures of support for the Russians people, our willingness to advance Iranian nuclear technology, our support of Polish pride, and our plan to bring the democratic principle of protest to the post-Soviet era, will combine to form an effective tool in both inducing and maintaining alarmingly high blood pressure for all concerned. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DC Tom Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 The United States of America condemns, in the strongest possible terms, the rogue entities that perpetrated this murderous act, and stands in solidarity with the Russian people in their time of grief and unimaginable loss. As a show of faith to both the Russian people and their leaders, the United States has agreed to reduce it's nuclear arsenal by a full 28% by year's end, with the enriched plutonium taken from the disarmed missiles and handed over to the Iranian people to aid them in advancing their capability to produce functional nuclear power plants. In addition, the United States will increase both Borscht and Nesting Doll imports, while simultaneously launching an aggressive campaign to maintain the derogatory status of the term 'Polak'. Both Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton have been granted Ambassador status and are being deployed to Moscow, where they will be organizing the Million Man Occupation of Red Square, protesting the lack of African-Russians in governmental positions of significance. We are certain that our meaningless gestures of support for the Russians people, our willingness to advance Iranian nuclear technology, our support of Polish pride, and our plan to bring the democratic principle of protest to the post-Soviet era, will combine to form an effective tool in both inducing and maintaining alarmingly high blood pressure for all concerned. You forgot to blame it on a youtube video. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Taro T Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 (edited) We demand Poland allow our inspectors to investigate this horrible crime against the Russian people and all of humanity. We know nothing about the men in black riding in tanks in your Eastern territory. We also demand Ukraine and Geogia to allow our inspectors in to investigate this horrible crime against Russia. Edited March 27, 2015 by Taro T Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azalin Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 You forgot to blame it on a youtube video. No, we haven't forgotten. Our anti-video hashtag campaign is still in its organizational phase, but is scheduled to be deployed as part of a three point plan, which includes a proposed increase in Vodka imports, and the delivery of nine F-22 Raptors to HAMAS. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pine Barrens Mafia Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 No, we haven't forgotten. Our anti-video hashtag campaign is still in its organizational phase, but is scheduled to be deployed as part of a three point plan, which includes a proposed increase in Vodka imports, and the delivery of nine F-22 Raptors to HAMAS. Your support for the apostate Sunni has not gone unnoticed, Great Satan! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azalin Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Your support for the apostate Sunni has not gone unnoticed, Great Satan! Your kind words are most appreciated, and as an act of gratitude on our part we will decrease our nuclear capability an additional 10%, yielding the excess plutonium as a supplement to our prior agreement. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pine Barrens Mafia Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Your kind words are most appreciated, and as an act of gratitude on our part we will decrease our nuclear capability an additional 10%, yielding the excess plutonium as a supplement to our prior agreement. DEATH TO AMERICA! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deranged Rhino Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 BBC BREAKING NEWS: Crisis in Kaliningrad: The casualty count continues to rise in the evening hours as rescue crews continue to search the rubble in Kaliningrad. 848 have been confirmed dead so far, most of the dead are Russian citizens and families of Russian naval personnel. It's been confirmed that at least twenty of the dead were Cuban military who were in Kaliningrad participating in joint training exercises with the Russian Navy. Additionally, a contingent of Japanese sushi chefs who worked at the hotel were also killed, sparking intense outrage in both Japan and Cuba. The Russian Federal Security Service (FSB) released a statement just twenty minutes ago confirming the identity of the two Polish nationals who were detained at the border. Both men are former Polish military with extensive ties to the Military Information Services (WSI), Poland's military intelligence agency. Poland's prime minister, Ewa Kopacz, has denied these men are still employed by the WSI but did extend her deepest sympathy to the people affected by this tragedy. In potentially related news, President Putin of Russia has not made any public appearances or statements on the crisis in Kaliningrad. In fact, the normally omnipresent leader hasn't been seen in the Kremlin for the past three days, sparking some rumors of a possible coup by military hardliners in Russia. The United Nations has reached out to Russia, asking to deploy peace keepers into the region to help maintain order -- so far this request has been denied by the Kremlin. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chef Jim Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 BBC BREAKING NEWS: Crisis in Kaliningrad: The casualty count continues to rise in the evening hours as rescue crews continue to search the rubble in Kaliningrad. 848 have been confirmed dead so far, most of the dead are Russian citizens and families of Russian naval personnel. It's been confirmed that at least twenty of the dead were Cuban military who were in Kaliningrad participating in joint training exercises with the Russian Navy. Additionally, a contingent of Japanese sushi chefs who worked at the hotel were also killed, sparking intense outrage in both Japan and Cuba. The Russian Federal Security Service (FSB) released a statement just twenty minutes ago confirming the identity of the two Polish nationals who were detained at the border. Both men are former Polish military with extensive ties to the Military Information Services (WSI), Poland's military intelligence agency. Poland's prime minister, Ewa Kopacz, has denied these men are still employed by the WSI but did extend her deepest sympathy to the people affected by this tragedy. In potentially related news, President Putin of Russia has not made any public appearances or statements on the crisis in Kaliningrad. In fact, the normally omnipresent leader hasn't been seen in the Kremlin for the past three days, sparking some rumors of a possible coup by military hardliners in Russia. The United Nations has reached out to Russia, asking to deploy peace keepers into the region to help maintain order -- so far this request has been denied by the Kremlin. WTF?!?!!? GODZIRRA!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DC Tom Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 BBC BREAKING NEWS: Crisis in Kaliningrad: The casualty count continues to rise in the evening hours as rescue crews continue to search the rubble in Kaliningrad. 848 have been confirmed dead so far, most of the dead are Russian citizens and families of Russian naval personnel. It's been confirmed that at least twenty of the dead were Cuban military who were in Kaliningrad participating in joint training exercises with the Russian Navy. Additionally, a contingent of Japanese sushi chefs who worked at the hotel were also killed, sparking intense outrage in both Japan and Cuba. The Russian Federal Security Service (FSB) released a statement just twenty minutes ago confirming the identity of the two Polish nationals who were detained at the border. Both men are former Polish military with extensive ties to the Military Information Services (WSI), Poland's military intelligence agency. Poland's prime minister, Ewa Kopacz, has denied these men are still employed by the WSI but did extend her deepest sympathy to the people affected by this tragedy. In potentially related news, President Putin of Russia has not made any public appearances or statements on the crisis in Kaliningrad. In fact, the normally omnipresent leader hasn't been seen in the Kremlin for the past three days, sparking some rumors of a possible coup by military hardliners in Russia. The United Nations has reached out to Russia, asking to deploy peace keepers into the region to help maintain order -- so far this request has been denied by the Kremlin. Point of clarification: "Denied" or "gone unanswered?" Because if Putin hasn't been seen for three days, who answered? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greg F Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 More updates will come as the situation unfolds, but right now we have reached a crisis point. Poland and Russia are on the brink of war. Can the UN do anything to help this ever changing situation? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
/dev/null Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 WTF?!?!!? GODZIRRA!!!!! In France we turn those into over sized luggage Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DC Tom Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 In France we turn those into over sized luggage And saute their legs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chef Jim Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 In France we turn those into over sized luggage To pack for the retreat? And saute their legs. I know the Grenouilles actually cook their food. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DC Tom Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 To pack for the retreat? To sell to German soldiers when the German Army stops in Paris for its semi-annual vacation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
/dev/null Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 To pack for the retreat? To sell to German soldiers when the German Army stops in Paris for its semi-annual vacation. The Germans need something to carry their souvenir Eiffel Towers while they march thru the Arc De Triomphe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4merper4mer Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Remember when I sent that email denying you the extra security you wanted? Please delete it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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