LAMP: "The Blacken Blue" - Weekly Bills article

[Kelly the Dog]

I was roped into writing a weekly Bills recap article the last few years for our Bills Backers Club in LA. It comes in the Thursday email to preview the upcoming game, so it's way too late. But it's goofy fun and I figured such a good win that I would post it here, too.

 

 

The Blacken Blue

 

After the greatest week and greatest, most emotional lead up in franchise history, the Bills not only squished the Fish, they BeniHana'd them. It was a thorough rout of trout. Pounder of flounder.

 

Holy mackerel!

 

The Bills didn't just pan sear the flippin' fish, they blackened them. All week long we prepared and on Sunday the stinking fish were deboned.

 

Coaching. Offense. Defense. Special teams. You name it. The dolphins were only special in the way your mom felt sorry for kids because "they're special."

 

EJ the game manager changed the game and the outcome with his second straight efficient outing. His throws were accurate. His leadership and command of the position and game plan were evident. His mistakes were few and non-lethal. And there is reason to believe. He's not a complete player or franchise QB but he's playing well enough to win, and doing what we fans and his coaches want.

 

And with the weapons the Bills have, that's all EJ needs to do.

 

CJ Spiller accounted for 149 yards and a TD in 14.9 seconds. Scott Chandler did his dancing with the stars audition with a spectacular, over the shoulder fingertip catch and twinkle toe tap dance just in bounds on an equally spectacular pass from Manuel.

 

Sammy SWat exploded on the scene and into the Dolphins defensive backfield. The reason you make that trade is because Watkins is a star, and in only his second game, he proved it. With lightning feet, jitterbug moves, hands so soft I'm convinced he washes them with Palmolive dish soap, a bull's determination and a lion's heart, Sammy is everything we wanted and a great guy, too. And he's playing with a rib fracture, in severe pain. What happens when he's healthy?

 

The offensive line was manhandled in the run game by a stout Fin front seven, except for the 47 yard solar flare by CJ. But pass protection was rock solid the entire game and Manuel was rarely touched and never sacked. Seantrel Henderson left Cameron in his Wake all afternoon, with some chip 'n dip help from Chandler and Fred. The interior line kept Randy Starks out of our backfield and EJ's field of vision. Manuel got the ball out fast and Sweet Sammy did the rest.

 

The Red Zone became a no fly zone most of the day for the Bills as former Dolphin player and current Dolphin killer Dan Carpenter put a nail in them with 64 field goals on 65 tries. There is no doubt the team needs to start scoring TDs but the plays were there and calls were right. EJ missed a TD to Woods when hurried, although it was a bad throw. Watkins ran a slightly wrong route that would have been an easy score. We ran the fade to MWilliams which we need to do. The last three times in the RZ, Marrone played it ultra conservative, wanting the FG and no mistakes more than the killer instinct. The Bills need to improve but it hasn't bit us yet.

 

Danny Crossman went from being in the crosshairs of Bills fans to comeback of the year candidate. It's only two weeks but both have been ST gems. Boobie Dixon's blocked punt was a seismic shift and reinforced the fact we all love boobies! Carpenter had more points than the entire Dolphin team. Robert Woods knocked the guts, wits and snot out of Jarvis Landry on a KR harpooning. That's Some Gay Schmidt had their second collective prideful performance in a row. CJ had his electrifying 102 yard Olympic dash that was sprung by Brandon Spikes and justified Doug Marrone's wise decision to put more starters on ST.

 

That was the play of the game and broke the spineless Dolphins back. Not that they have one.

 

The Defense dominated and kept our delirious fans screaming for three straight hours and from talking the next day. The NFL will have to do another internal investigation because it's glaringly apparent that guns don't kill people, Nigel Bradham kills people. On one drive the Dolphins were backed up so far, they were being parked in Hammer's Lot, and punted on 4th and 96.

 

The front four made Tannehill into Benny Hill. Knowshon didn't know what hit him on his first carry and the Fin rush attack was a Knowshow the rest of the game. Mike Wallace had a spectacular one handed TD catch on a short lob and kept his hands in his pockets the rest of the game. Brian Hartline barely registered a blip against Stephon Gilmore. The second coming, Corey Graham, had a homecoming that will never be forgotten and enough to make grown men cry.

 

The Ralph was as emotional and rockin' as it has even been. The Bills are 2-0 after two surprising, uplifting wins, and while we have been in this position before only to be crushed later, this feels different. The team is deep. We have a ton of skill. We physically bullied two confident teams. We have a few veterans who know how to win and some core locker room guys who instilled a mental toughness.

 

This week against the recharged Chargers will be another stern test. The Antonio Gates from Hell has returned and pissy Phillip Rivers is pass happy again.

 

The Ralph honored its namesake last week and has once again become a terror pit for visiting teams. The joint will be jumpin' but perhaps not quite as crazy as Busby's West. Local sound ordinances and fire laws were broken last week at Busby's for a home opener that was raucous, rowdy and downright glorious. This week will rival if not surpass it so get there early, it's gonna be a madhouse.

 

The Bills are going to beat up, beat on, and soundly beat another opponent with lofty ambitions to earn our new nickname...

 

The Blacken Blue

Edited September 18, 2014 by Kelly the Dog

[scribo]

Very well done, Kelly. Entertaining and informative. Thanks for sharing!

[Pills -N- Bills]

Great job, look forward to reading one of these every week

[HamSandwhich]

Haha, very colorful! Nicely done!

[chris heff]

Good job, fun read.

[GG]

Where's the LAMP tag?

 

[Rockinon]

:worthy:

[Kelly the Dog]

Where's the LAMP tag?

 

Ha. Good point. I will add that.

 

And thanks, gents. It's a fun little trifle. if people want them every week, win or lose, I will probably post them. Here is the one after the Bears game...

 

"WASTED AWAY AGAIN DOWN IN PEGULAVILLE"

 

We are coming to a close of the greatest week in Bills history. Jim Kelly is Big C Free. The Bills are atop the division after hunting for big bear. And the team will remain in Buffalo until the water table crumbles.

 

The Bills had never beaten the Bears in Chicago and few thought it was even possible, until Sunday Bloody Fracking Awesome Sunday.

 

The running game was bottled up for the most part and somehow still managed 193 yards and a game winning stiffie to the breastplate of the Bears. The passing game gets a passing grade. The coaching and game plan actually worked as planned.

 

And the Bears were smoked in their own house.

 

Fred Jackson gave such a punch to the heart of Chicago safety and girly man Chris Conte that Robert Mueller is now heading a second internal NFL investigation into possible domestic violence charges against Fred.

 

Too soon?

 

EJ Manuel was efficient if not proficient, and became a true team leader after an uncharacteristic rousing pregame speech to the team the night before the opener, including an inspirational cry of "Please God, don't let the best team win!" EJ then made some timely godly throws and few godawful mistakes on Sunday. He ran for a short score on a sweet read-option and threw a short TD on a sweet play fake. He managed the clock and the pace, and took what the defense gave him, which was the game.

 

GM Doug Whaley gets a game ball for building this team. Most every one of his off season acquisitions played a critical role. Buffalo native Corey Graham was the player of the game. Boobie Dixon ran further with a handoff than he ever has in his life. Brandon Spikes laid the lumber and lumbar of Bear backs running up the gut. The new kickoff specialist and punter, "That's Some" Gay Schmidt, had consistent KO's into the endzone and punts inside the 20. Another Buffalo guy, CaveManMike Williams, made the most important snatch of the day in OT, brought in to do exactly as he did, go up and get it. Blubbery Chris Williams made a key seal on Fred's game winning run. Kyle Orton was amazing with a clipboard, staying right where he belongs, off the field.

 

Much maligned Nate Hackett hacked it as well, with cleverly designed plays, bunch formations we haven't seen, Spiller and Fred Ex together again for the first time on the field, a sweet misdirection call for a TD pass from EJ to CJ, and kept the Bears hibernating all day.

 

Doug Marrone has come under an avalanche of rumor lately claiming he may have lost his job, marbles and locker room, and yet had the team ready to play and resilient. That was not the feeling after the first drive of the game when the Bears went down and scored on the first D like it was the Scout Team. But these 2014 Bills circled the wagons instead of the drain, and came back with an equally impressive TD drive of their own. Not as flashy but extremely fulfilling.

 

The first team defense gave up a lot of yards but responded with three critical turnovers. None was a fluke or crazy bounce, but rather a veteran play. Leodis tried to and actually succeeded in stripping the ball from Brandon Marshall, which was crucial since most of the game he was taking a visit to the burn ward. Graham made a textbook read and spectacular break on the ball for his INT. Kyle Williams should star in the remake of The Hustler after his heroic effort and pluck on an errant pass across the middle of the field by Chicken Cutler.

 

Jayne Cutler was so buffaloed by the loss that he showed up to his radio show on Monday wearing a shirt with a Buffalo on it.

 

The rookies came to play and did. SWat Watkins flashed his skills that will soon make him a star. Seantrell held his own and few Bear linemen. Preston Brown was pressed into action and had a rough start staying upright but decent finish, including a rumbling, bumbling, stumbling fumble return.

 

And as if this wasn't enough, the news came this week of the passing of the torch from The Wilson Family to The Pegula Family.

 

It's quite simply the second best thing ever to happen to the Bills since the 1959 founding for $25,000 which was sold for 1.4 billion. Ralph never got the much deserved credit for keeping the team in Buffalo all these years, and secured his legend and legacy by ensuring the team stayed for the next 50 and beyond. Mary his wife did her husband and the city of Buffalo proud with her handling of Ralph's and our trust. Osama Bon Jovi never had a prayer.

 

Terry and Kim are the perfect new owners. Expect a downtown stadium to be built in a few years. With sports minded kids and pockets as deep as some of the family drilling, the team will remain in Buffalo for generations. Free Agents will be easier to lure and sign.

 

The team, the city, the faith, and the collective attitude is all on the steep rise. The dark cloud has lifted. The Bills are never leaving. And I can't get the damn song, "Wasted away again down in Pegulaville" out of my head.

 

Come on down to Busby's this Sunday for what promises to be the biggest, loudest, most tasty Fish Fry of all time.

[Captain Hindsight]

Awesome

[Over 29 years of fanhood]

Sammy's rib is fractured?

[Kelly the Dog]

Well the wins are a lot more fun to write, but here is this week's abuse of the Bills article. Again, I know the recaps are old news but it's when this stuff comes out. Enjoy. Read the whole article from the link.

 

http://www.losangelesbillsbackers.com/game'>http://www.losangelesbillsbackers.com/game

 

 

With a surprising if unspectacular 2-0 start, our lovable, loathsome, bipolar Bills had a real chance to make some noise in the division, conference and entire New Felon League against the Super Chargers, coming off a sound win of their own against the defending champs.

 

Well, the Bills were electrocuted. The power in their offense and pep in their step went dark. They failed to generate much of a spark the entire game, and Philip Rivers played lights out.

 

When it was all over, we were left with more questions than answers, the biggest of which was did the Bills get exposed as imposters, or was this a bump in the road to respectability if not a division championship.

 

For the first time in a long time the AFC East at least seems up for grabs.

 

So was this an aberration or abomination? A slip and a slide or a sinkhole stinkhole? Are we potential champs or predictable chumps?

 

EJ Manual started off poorly and then tapered off, getting progressively and aggressively worse. When he had time, which wasn't often, he was WHOA-fully inaccurate. He was rattled by the pressure of the Chargers up the middle, reverse pivot happy after one great escape, and completely unable to take charge of Chargers deficiencies. There were Bills receivers open but Manuel closed down.

 

He wasn't given a lot of help. The whole OL was poor-us. The Guards were either swinging gates or had their growth stunted by San Diego stunts. Eric Pears looked like a poor man's Eric Pears. Chris Williams had a bad back, probably from being pushed that way. His back-up Kraig Urbik should have had high pitched beeps coming from him every second. Even dependable Cordy Glenn had trouble.

Read more here...

http://www.losangelesbillsbackers.com/game

[BillsFan-4-Ever]

Good job, fun read.

Good job, punny read.

[T master]

Good article but what did you write after the Chargers game ?

[Kelly the Dog]

Good article but what did you write after the Chargers game ?

It's just above. #11.

[Kelly the Dog]

If anyone is still interested in these. They're especially tough after an agonizing loss like that.

 

http://losangelesbillsbackers.com/game.htm'>http://losangelesbillsbackers.com/game.htm

 

TEXAS HOLD'EM

 

 

 

Last Sunday, the Ryan Fitztragic led Texans held on to defeat our hapless Bills in Houston. And with the game on the line and all players all in, we folded.

 

The brunt of the blame will be on EJ Manuel, of course, and most of it warranted. He looked rattled. He couldn't hit the broad side of Michael Jasper. And when he did make decent passes his WR often dropped them. The raw prospect in Manuel reared its ugly head for the second straight week and it cost the Bills the game and EJ his job, for the short term.

 

EJ will be back. He will get a few more chances to start in this league. If this benching has any kind of long term affect on his confidence or psyche, he was never going to be the franchise QB any way. This should probably help him more than hurt.

 

The Bills blunders were all over, starting with the offensive line. Eric Pears was pearless. None of his peers are like him, as in nearly as bad. This changing of the guard experiment must end soon. Granted JJ Watt is like WTF out there, and dominated and demoralized our whole line. One play probably won the entire game.

 

But the more the entire offense looked flustered, the more we fans got frustrated. Nate Hackett surprisingly, perhaps foolishly, had EJ throw 44 times, which looked like 43 times too many. But on the other hand, everyone watching seemed to think there were ten plays to made during the game that were easy first downs if not touchdowns so just average QB play would have won the game.

 

So perhaps the game plan and play calling wasn't so bad.

 

to read on...

http://losangelesbillsbackers.com/game.htm

 

[Kelly the Dog]

Forgot to put this up here, for anyone who cares. But it's always good to relive wins, and a tip of the hat to New Era and our New Era...

 

http://losangelesbillsbackers.com/game.htm'>http://losangelesbillsbackers.com/game.htm

 

 

The New Era Hat Trick

 

 

New Era hats, born, raised and still proudly located in Western New York, is at the top of its game and field. Its rich history dates way back to 1920 when Ehrhardt Koch borrowed $1000 from his sister Rose and founded the company that would soon be known as New Era. It keeps reinventing itself, and yet remains loyal to its roots, heritage and hometown.

 

This is a new era for the Buffalo Bills. A time for remembering the past, enjoying and embracing the present, and looking to the promising, perhaps endless future.

 

It wasn’t always that way. But this past week firmly cemented The Bills in the history books and in Buffalo. The Wilson family has passed the torch to the Pegula Family, and like the Olympic flame, it will burn here now and forever.

 

And what a fitting end to the Wilson era to be at a Lions game in Ralph’s hometown of Detroit. The new look Bills, with their new QB, and renewed confidence after a two game speed bump, won a game that over the last 15 or so years it’s easy to imagine they’d lose.

 

These aren’t your daddy’s Bills. These are Snortin’ Orton’s Bills.

 

The New General, Kyle Orton, he of the snazzy sport coat and cigar that looked like he was coming from a 1920s Detroit mob meeting, came into the game like a sacrificial lamb and came out like a Lion killer. His early horrendous pick six was forgotten as soon as it happened, and his experience carried him and the team to a shocking and miraculous comeback road win.

 

The Bills players noticed the difference a veteran makes in the huddle and the confidence a veteran has in himself, and it parlayed into other young Bills making veteran plays to squeak out the W (which this week not only stands for Win but also for Wilson).

 

And it surely brought out the best in rookie Sammy Watkins, who literally single-handedly won the game with a Flying Wallendas circus catch. Again, that is why you make the trade, because Sammy is a star.

 

The other star of the day, and possible star as big as Sammy Swat was much maligned Marcell Dareus who shut up the Lions OL as if they were Marcel Marceau, and shut down the Lions offense period. Dareus was unblockable, had three sacks, and just dominated the line of scrimmage and game. He also forced a fumble and has finally lived up to his XXXL third overall status.

 

To read more... http://losangelesbillsbackers.com/game.htm