Golden Wheels Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 Feel free to add yours here. I stole this one from DPR4444 His and Her Diary 1. HER DIARY Sunday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it as my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep....I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. 2. HIS DIARY Today the Bills lost, but at least I got laid. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ch19079 Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
col_forbin Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 True Dat!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ramius Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 great stuff... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grand Poobah Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 So funny because it's true. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
#89 Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 Penn DOT A guy goes to Penn Dot ( Pennsylvania Dept of Transportation) to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?" "Yes," he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years" The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then the interviewer asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off." The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M." The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M." "This is a state job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls.......no point in you coming in for that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
#89 Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says "Hi...You Know, I just hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You will have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You will be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary in $200,000 a year. The guy says, "you're bullshittin me. The social worker says, "yeah, well , you started it." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
#89 Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 Subject: Fw: Bush and Rumsfield > > > > President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar. > > A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and > Rumsfeld sitting over there?" > > The barman says, "Yep, that's them." > > So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! > What are you guys doing in here?" > > Bush says, "We're planning WW III." > > And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?" > > Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims this > time and one blonde with big breasts." > > The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big breasts? Why kill a blond > with big breasts?" > > Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you no one would > worry about the 140 million Muslims". > Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ch19079 Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
/dev/null Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 Mable was a resident at local nursing home. Time had taken its toll on her both physically as she was wheelchair bound and mentally. She would wheel around the home recklessly, but the other residents and nurses didn't mind and would even play along. One day as she's turning the corner, another resident stops her and asks to see her license. Mable fumbles around her purse and pulls out a used Kleenex. The resident nods and lets her pass. She turns another corner and is stopped by a nurse who asks to see proof of insurance. Mable fumbles around her purse and pulls out a Kit Kat wrapper. The nurse nods and lets her pass She turns another corner and is confronted by an naked elderly man with a raging hard on. "Oh crap", says Mable to herself. "The breathalyzer" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just Jack Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?" Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks, in shock "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore." Her father's heart swells with pride and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard!" "I know," Melissa says. "And once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the sh-- out of him." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beerball Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says "Hi...You Know, I just hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You will have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You will be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary in $200,000 a year. The guy says, "you're bullshittin me. The social worker says, "yeah, well , you started it." 219622[/snapback] Good one! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Golden Wheels Posted January 27, 2005 Author Share Posted January 27, 2005 98 year old couple watching TV on the couch. The wife says to the husband " wanna go upstairs and make love?" The husband says" I don't think I can do both" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fezmid Posted January 27, 2005 Share Posted January 27, 2005 This guy dies and ends up going down to hell. He's terrified when he meets Satan. Satan tells the guy, "Welcome to hell! We're not as bad down as as people think though. I'll give you a choice of which of three rooms you want to spend eternity in." Satan leads the guy to the first room with a concrete floor and everyone is standing on their head. It doesn't look too bad, but the guy thinks that eventually his head will start to hurt on the hard rock. The next room has a floor made of mud, and everyone is standing on their head here as well. While the floor is definately soft, he doesn't want to mess his hair up so decides to see what option three is. The third room smells really bad, as it's covered in crap. However, everyone's sitting at a table in the middle of the room eating donuts. Satan then turns to the man and says, "Choose what room you will spend eternity in!" The guy thinks about it for a minute, then decides that, although the room smells bad, the thought of eating donuts for eternity sounds pretty good so picks room number 3. "Very well!" The guy starts eating the donuts, thinking that he made a good choice when ten minutes later, Satan walks in and says, "Break's over, everyone get back on your head!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
/dev/null Posted January 27, 2005 Share Posted January 27, 2005 This guy dies and ends up going down to hell. He's terrified when he meets Satan. Satan tells the guy, "Welcome to hell! We're not as bad down as as people think though. I'll give you a choice of which of three rooms you want to spend eternity in." Satan leads the guy to the first room with a concrete floor and everyone is standing on their head. It doesn't look too bad, but the guy thinks that eventually his head will start to hurt on the hard rock. The next room has a floor made of mud, and everyone is standing on their head here as well. While the floor is definately soft, he doesn't want to mess his hair up so decides to see what option three is. The third room smells really bad, as it's covered in crap. However, everyone's sitting at a table in the middle of the room eating donuts. Satan then turns to the man and says, "Choose what room you will spend eternity in!" The guy thinks about it for a minute, then decides that, although the room smells bad, the thought of eating donuts for eternity sounds pretty good so picks room number 3. "Very well!" The guy starts eating the donuts, thinking that he made a good choice when ten minutes later, Satan walks in and says, "Break's over, everyone get back on your head!" 219885[/snapback] The mayor of Cleveland dies, and like every other politician goes straight to hell. He's standing in line waiting to get in (you know there's always a line) and the devil recognizes him and they reminisce over the deal they had struck to get elected. At the end of the conversation, Satan asks the mayor if its hot enough for him. Being a two faced liar (he is a politician after all), the mayor says its toasty warm. The devil of course wants the mayor to suffer. So he goes back and turns up the heat. He seeks out the mayor and asks if it's hot enough for him. The mayor takes a moment away from his eternal torment and again plays politician. "Its almost hot enough to light the Cuyahoga!" replies the mayor The devil decides if the mayor likes hot that he should go and turn up the cold. Satan seeks out the mayor. On his way he sees demons making snow angels and the damned having snowball fights. Upon reaching his destination, Satan sees the deceased mayor of Cleveland jumping and dancing and screaming... "The Indians won the World Series!!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
respk Posted January 27, 2005 Share Posted January 27, 2005 I played a blank vcr tape tonight. It drove the mime next door nuts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
respk Posted January 27, 2005 Share Posted January 27, 2005 Guy gets called into the other room by his wife whose all upset and crying. Guy: "Dear, what is the matter?" Wife: "I've been working on this puzzle for over two hours and I am so frustrated. It's supposed to be a tiger or some kind of cat, but I can't find any pieces that fit together. I can't even find an edge piece to get started with." Guy: "It's ok, honey. Let's calm down. Let's go in the kitchen, sit down, have some tea, and maybe a bite to eat. And then when you've calmed down we'll come back and I will help you pick up the frosted flakes." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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