PPP Fantasy Football

[Deranged Rhino]

I am going to try hard to keep on top of things. I lead a busy life, what with working a job and screwing cattle. Is the league admin able to change things for rosters or such?

 

Yes, I can help out in a crunch but would prefer not to have to. It shouldn't be too much time, but let me know if you need help.

[boyst]

Yes, I can help out in a crunch but would prefer not to have to. It shouldn't be too much time, but let me know if you need help.

just like a liberal! You don't have to help anyone. they just become dependent on you.

 

But yeah, if you see something happens where I might not have noticed it and it impacts someone else feel free. If it is something that just effs me over let me be because I should have changed it and it'll be my fault.

 

Not sure what situation would be but if there was a situation....

[Deranged Rhino]

just like a liberal! You don't have to help anyone. they just become dependent on you.

 

But yeah, if you see something happens where I might not have noticed it and it impacts someone else feel free. If it is something that just effs me over let me be because I should have changed it and it'll be my fault.

 

Not sure what situation would be but if there was a situation....

 

:lol:

[Luka]

Aaron Rodgers against my starting defense... I should've drank before I drafted.

[Deranged Rhino]

Aaron Rodgers against my starting defense... I should've drank before I drafted.

It's never too late to start...

[FireChan]

Aaron Rodgers against my starting defense... I should've drank before I drafted.

 

I'd like to introduce you to Kelvin Benjamin.

[Deranged Rhino]

You took him right before I could, ya bastid... but enjoy Mr. Benjamin.

 

Me, Rob's kicking my team's ass thanks to Ryan's amazing day. We'll see what Mr. Luck has to say tonight but damn I'm in trouble.

[FireChan]

You took him right before I could, ya bastid... but enjoy Mr. Benjamin.

 

Me, Rob's kicking my team's ass thanks to Ryan's amazing day. We'll see what Mr. Luck has to say tonight but damn I'm in trouble.

 

Sorry brutha, you can always scour the waivers for the Jags WR who dominated today.

Edited September 7, 2014 by FireChan

[Rob's House]

You took him right before I could, ya bastid... but enjoy Mr. Benjamin.

 

Me, Rob's kicking my team's ass thanks to Ryan's amazing day. We'll see what Mr. Luck has to say tonight but damn I'm in trouble.

 

Even with Luck's sorry first half I'm not breathing easy. This one could come down to the wire. The stakes are too high for me to relax.

[FireChan]

I'd like to introduce you to Kelvin Benjamin.

 

I'm getting what I deserve, God I !@#$ing hate Julius Thomas right now.

[Rob's House]

I hope Andrew Luck is mauled by a pack of wild boars.

[Deranged Rhino]

I hope Andrew Luck is mauled by a pack of wild boars.

 

I had to get away from the computer after that terrible first half. Just got back. It's not over yet, but at least now it's a game.

 

:lol:

[Deranged Rhino]

League Update:

 

Heading into Monday night's double header, some games are tighter than others.

 

FireChan 142.86 vs Luka (Sarasota Super Nova) 129.96: Manning, Greg Olsen and the rookie Benjamin helped Chan build his narrow lead. Luka has Megatron and Jennings left tonight while Chan has 'zona's defense. This game, perhaps the first heated rivalry in the league, will come down to the wire. Luka joined purely to beat Chan... will he finish the job?

 

Hazed 138.22 vs Overanalyze (?) 137.80: Hazed is most assuredly amused at how well Le'Veon Bell can play high. Perhaps he's been getting tips from Bob on how to handle his greenery without hindering his career. Bell's 33 points lead the way, but with a slim lead and only Golden Tate left to play it looks like Stafford and Fitzgerald will seal Overanalyze's first victory of the year tonight.

 

Draft Dodgers (Gary) 91.18 vs MiddleFingerManziel (?) 116.16: Thanks to Brady shitting the bed in week one, MiddleFingerManziel finds themselves clinging to a 25 point lead. Charles, Hilton, Reed and Tate all underperformed for Manziel, probably because they caught the scabies from Brady on the team plane. The Draft Dodgers have Victor "Salsa" Cruz and Reggie "Almost Heisman" Bush going tonight and should be enough to close the gap.

 

Death Dealers (OC) 99.58 vs Donkey Scrotum (Boyst) 154.76: The Chicago connection (Forte, Cutler, Jeffery) got the job done for Boyst and the Scrotum as they cruise into Monday's matchups without much of a worry. But carefree and complacent is exactly how OC likes his opponents. The owner promised a Monday Night Miracle from Michael Floyd who needs to match Matt Ryan's league high 55 points tonight to give his team the win... at least I think he did. The press release was just a stream of emojis so we can't be certain.

 

Turn Down For SWAT (Greg) 146.30 vs Rob's Team (Robert) 136.02: Things looked grim for SWAT for much of the day, that is until Andrew Luck managed a late surge in Denver. Matt Ryan's week high 55 points gave Rob's Team the early mojo and still have Ellington and Matthews playing tonight which means a comeback is not out of the question. SWAT has Bell and Allen going tonight as well. Which RB/WR duo will carry their team to victory?

Edited September 9, 2014 by GreggyT

[FireChan]

League Update:

 

Heading into Monday night's double header, some games are tighter than others.

 

FireChan 142.86 vs Luka (Sarasota Super Nova) 129.96: Manning, Greg Olsen and the rookie Benjamin helped Chan build his narrow lead. Luka has Megatron and Jennings left tonight while Chan has 'zona's defense. This game, perhaps the first heated rivalry in the league, will come down to the wire. Luka joined purely to beat Chan... will he finish the job?

 

Hazed 138.22 vs Overanalyze (?) 137.80: Hazed is most assuredly amused at how well Le'Veon Bell can play high. Perhaps he's been getting tips from Bob on how to handle his greenery without hindering his career. Bell's 33 points lead the way, but with a slim lead and only Golden Tate left to play it looks like Stafford and Fitzgerald will seal Overanalyze's first victory of the year tonight.

 

Draft Dodgers (Gary) 91.18 vs MiddleFingerManziel (?) 116.16: Thanks to Brady shitting the bed in week one, MiddleFingerManziel finds themselves clinging to a 25 point lead. Charles, Hilton, Reed and Tate all underperformed for Manziel, probably because they caught the scabies from Brady on the team plane. The Draft Dodgers have Victor "Salsa" Cruz and Reggie "Almost Heisman" Bush going tonight and should be enough to close the gap.

 

Death Dealers (OC) 99.58 vs Donkey Scrotum (Boyst) 154.76: The Chicago connection (Forte, Cutler, Jeffery) got the job done for OC as they cruise into Monday's matchups without much of a worry. But carefree and complacent is exactly how OC likes his opponents. The owner promised a Monday Night Miracle from Michael Floyd who needs to match Matt Ryan's league high 55 points tonight to give his team the win... at least I think he did. The press release was just a stream of emojis so we can't be certain.

 

Turn Down For SWAT (Greg) 146.30 vs Rob's Team (Robert) 136.02: Things looked grim for SWAT for much of the day, that is until Andrew Luck managed a late surge in Denver. Matt Ryan's week high 55 points gave Rob's Team the early mojo and still have Ellington and Matthews playing tonight which means a comeback is not out of the question. SWAT has Bell and Allen going tonight as well. Which RB/WR duo will carry their team to victory?

 

I liked this.

[boyst]

League Update:

 

Heading into Monday night's double header, some games are tighter than others.

 

FireChan 142.86 vs Luka (Sarasota Super Nova) 129.96: Manning, Greg Olsen and the rookie Benjamin helped Chan build his narrow lead. Luka has Megatron and Jennings left tonight while Chan has 'zona's defense. This game, perhaps the first heated rivalry in the league, will come down to the wire. Luka joined purely to beat Chan... will he finish the job?

 

Hazed 138.22 vs Overanalyze (?) 137.80: Hazed is most assuredly amused at how well Le'Veon Bell can play high. Perhaps he's been getting tips from Bob on how to handle his greenery without hindering his career. Bell's 33 points lead the way, but with a slim lead and only Golden Tate left to play it looks like Stafford and Fitzgerald will seal Overanalyze's first victory of the year tonight.

 

Draft Dodgers (Gary) 91.18 vs MiddleFingerManziel (?) 116.16: Thanks to Brady shitting the bed in week one, MiddleFingerManziel finds themselves clinging to a 25 point lead. Charles, Hilton, Reed and Tate all underperformed for Manziel, probably because they caught the scabies from Brady on the team plane. The Draft Dodgers have Victor "Salsa" Cruz and Reggie "Almost Heisman" Bush going tonight and should be enough to close the gap.

 

Death Dealers (OC) 99.58 vs Donkey Scrotum (Boyst) 154.76: The Chicago connection (Forte, Cutler, Jeffery) got the job done for OC as they cruise into Monday's matchups without much of a worry. But carefree and complacent is exactly how OC likes his opponents. The owner promised a Monday Night Miracle from Michael Floyd who needs to match Matt Ryan's league high 55 points tonight to give his team the win... at least I think he did. The press release was just a stream of emojis so we can't be certain.

 

Turn Down For SWAT (Greg) 146.30 vs Rob's Team (Robert) 136.02: Things looked grim for SWAT for much of the day, that is until Andrew Luck managed a late surge in Denver. Matt Ryan's week high 55 points gave Rob's Team the early mojo and still have Ellington and Matthews playing tonight which means a comeback is not out of the question. SWAT has Bell and Allen going tonight as well. Which RB/WR duo will carry their team to victory?

yeah, uh, i won the matchup, cutler, jeffrey and forte are mines.

 

Can't believe I ended up with a good roster. Hmmph

[Deranged Rhino]

yeah, uh, i won the matchup, cutler, jeffrey and forte are mines.

 

Can't believe I ended up with a good roster. Hmmph

Typo on the writer's part. He's a hack. Fixed though...

[Deranged Rhino]

PPP Fantasy Football League

 

Week One Recap

 

And we're off. Week 1 is in the books and the league is officially awash in controversy thanks to the post game antics of several league managers. Despite the off the field action, there were plenty of fireworks on the field. The Sarasota Super Nova's exploded onto the scene by scoring an eye-popping 190.96 points and leaving their owner hospitalized while OverAnalyze rode Stafford to a Monday Night Football come-from-behind victory. SWAT and Rob's Team battled down to the wire in what was the game of the week. Let's get to the action:

 

FireChan 145.86 vs Luka (Sarasota Super Nova) 190.96

 

The Sarasota Super Nova's not only scored the most points of the week, they delivered their owner a satisfying personal victory. While it's true that team owner Luka has made beating FireChan his personal super bowl, this reporter cannot confirm that prior to kickoff he had an intern upper deck FireChan's private restroom. The game was close, right up until Charles Johnson stepped onto the field Monday night. Megatron went off for 41 points, each one celebrated by Luka's patented chipmunk dance. But it turned out Megatron's megawatt performance was just prelude to the real show.

 

It was Luka's post game presser that garnered the most attention. He staggered to the podium (he'd later claim the stagger was from a sprained ankle and not because he was drunk) and led off by taunting his opponent. He claimed to have picked his lineup blindfolded just because, "FireChan's not worth his time," and then proceeded to explain why for the next twelve minutes. When reporters were able to bring Luka back to the topic of the game itself, he slurred his words and pointed out that it could have been worse. "We left 13 points on the bench you know why? Because (bleep) FireChan, that's (bleep)ing why." The boysterous owner then attempted to drop the mic, not realizing it was attached to the podium. This lead to Luka swearing at the inanimate podium before finally attempting to tackle it.

 

Team doctors would not confirm Luka broke his collar bone during the tackle, but he was taken to the hospital as a precaution. For those keeping score at home that's two records set by this team: highest point total of the week and the first ever press conference related injury. As of the writing of this article, Luka was still in isolation at Sarasota General, the timetable for his release is still unclear.

 

FireChan was hindered by poor performances from Eddie Lacy and Michael Crabtree both. While he refused to answer questions after the game, Lacy's agent tweeted the owner and player had "heated words." Crabtree told reporters that FireChan and Lacy did have a heated discussion but it wasn't over the game. Crabtree hinted that the discussion was a personal matter and wouldn't go into any more detail. Speculation in team circles suggest the rift could be over FireChan's choice of doctor to evaluate Lacy's concussion. That FireChan wanted to use an unqualified 'yes-man' just to get Lacy cleared, health be damned, could not be confirmed but Gatorman was seen in the lockerroom after the game wearing a stethascope around his neck.

 

 

Hazed 153.92 vs Overanalyze (?) 179.04

 

Overanalyze knew he had something special when he drafted Calvin Johnson's QB. Sure, it wasn't Calvin Johnson himself, but it was as almost as good. Stafford was so good he not only sealed the victory, he compensated for Larry Fitzgerald's slow night. The 179 points were good for the second highest score of the week, a point that wasn't lost on Andrew, Overanalyze's owner, who showed up for his post game presser wearing no pants. When asked what happened to his missing pants he grinned and said, "Well, we beat the pants off Hazed so I sent him my own, it's the least I could do. My mother raised me right, she raised me to give pants to the pantless."

 

Hazed got bit by a wave of inactive players, limiting their abilities to field a winning team. The trouble started when Hazed claimed Josh Gordon off the waiver wires earlier in the week. The exiled WR found a home on the team; some might say he got too comfortable too soon. In a matter of days after the controversal Gordon signing, Hazed lost Ray Rice to indefinite suspension and Wes Welker for four weeks. Some of the local reporters around the team noted a funky smell coming from the team bathroom. When they went to investigate they found Gordon, Blount, Welker and Doug Martin dancing (to no music) and drinking from red solo cups that Welker kept refilling with a mystery drink. While no one saw Gordon smoking weed, there were reports that Doug Martin's poor day was due to Gordon using him as his own personal Buster while he smoked some of Bob's best bud.

 

Source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4W23NIyNbnM

 

With only Trent Richardson and Danny Woodhead able to play off the bench, Hazed goes into Week 2 with more questions than answers.

 

 

Draft Dodgers (Gary) 107.98 vs MiddleFingerManziel (?) 116.16

 

"Scabie-Gate" is what the local papers are calling it Tuesday morning. MiddleFingerManziel flipped the bird to health and safety regulations when he unleashed an infested Brady onto the field this weekend. Brady's teammates knew of the scabies outbreak affecting their marquee QB but Reggie Bush didn't until halftime of the Monday Night Game. It was then that Bush found himself alone in the shower, scratching uncontrollably and trying to figure out what happened. Then he remembered the pre-game junk-graze Brady gave him as a hello. It had seemed odd to Bush when it happened but Brady explained it was the cool new way to greet people and cited Channing Tatum (C-Tat according to Brady) as his inspiration.

 

SOURCE:

 

Reggie was outraged as the memory flooded back. Brady definitely grazed his junk, is it possible that in the process Brady sabatoged Bush's bush by unleashing his horrible Brazilian scabes? We may never know for sure, but one thing we do know is Bush and Victor Cruz failed to dig Gary's Draft Dodgers out of their hole.

 

Worse than the scabies is the knowledge that Gary left over 20 points on his bench, enough to have gotten the win. Gary addressed reporters after the game from behind the mask of a decontamination suit. While Gary was classy enough not to mention the scabies outbreak infesting the visiting team's locker room, he did manage to soothe the fears of Dodger fans by promising "to right the ship," next week.

 

 

Death Dealers (OC) 118.68 vs Donkey Scrotum (Boyst) 154.76:

 

This matchup was supposed to be epic. Boyst versus OC, Death Dealers versus The Scrot'. Instead, this one was a snoozer thanks to the early lead Boyst and his Scrotum built on Sunday. Despite relying heavily on computer AI to build his team, Boyst was quick to point out how a close friend also came to his team's aid during the draft. "I forgot about the draft because, well, look at the !@#$nuts in this league. They're amatuers. None of them have ever chased down a bull before, what did I have to worry about?" Boyst finally made it for the last few picks but decided to alternate between letting the computer pick players for him and his favorite lady, a cow named Molly. Boyst wouldn't elaborate on exactly how Molly helped him build his lineup but he said he couldn't have done it without her. Whatever Molly did worked on Sunday. Despite leaving over 20 points on the bench, Boyst and his Scrotum still won in comfort.

 

Things were not as pleasent for the Death Dealers. Morris, Gore and RG3 appeared lethargic and groggy on the field. Gore was caught sleeping on the bench twice by cameras while Morris and RG3 were seen downing 5 hour energy shots. It was discovered that team owner OC kept his team up late Saturday night by forcing them to read his season manifesto. We have acquired a copy of the 2,000 page document titled " ", which we roughly translated to mean: "Death Dealer's Winning Recipe: A Mission Statement".

 

OC not only distributed his manifesto to players as they got onto the plane, he stood over them and made sure they read every last emojii, going as far as to hold the plane on the tarmac for five hours after they landed. Once players checked into the hotel, they were summoned to a team meeting where OC lectured about the nuances of the manifesto they probably missed out on. The entire meeting lasted until 10am that morning, leaving the team just enough time to get to the stadium for kickoff.

 

"I don't know how he expects me to run the rock on no sleep," Gore told reporters after the game. "I'm a football player, I'm not sure what two hundred pages about why some guy named DC Tom is scared of OC is relevant to winning fantasy games." When OC was asked to clarify his strategy, he simply smiled and asked if I wanted to read his manifesto. I tried to say no, but three hours later I was 1300 pages into it while OC pantomined the action scenes for me.

 

It was bizarre, and it didn't work this week, but next week? "I don't change." OC said. "Change is for the weak. Change is for the progressives. You know, we have a saying around Death Dealer Stadium about progressives..." It was at this point that I attempted to interject and remind OC that my actual question was about Cam Newton's cracked rib, not politics, but there was no stopping the OC train once it left the station.

 

Sadly, we cannot print the rest of OC's statement as it was filled with explatives and non sequitors about Patton.

 

Turn Down For SWAT (Greg) 167.60 vs Rob's Team (#IStandWithWendy) 162.02

 

The biggest surprise of the night wasn't that the game between SWAT and Rob's Team was so close, most experts expected it to be a barn burner, but what happened after. Rob's Team are pre-season favorites to make the playoffs, achored by Matty Ice and a trio of RBs that will give the rest of the league nightmares. Ryan put up the highest score of the week with an impressive 55 points and the three headed monster in the backfield of Ellington, Matthews and Shady McCoy accounted for 42 points but it wasn't enough to overcome SWAT's versatility.

 

After falling behind early, SWAT turned to their leader Neck Beard to guide them back to the light. Andrew Luck played a frantic second half, dropping 40 points when all was said and done, and praising the halftime speech made by team owner TGreg. "He was crying at half time, we thought it was because of how bad we were playing or even the sight of my hideous neckbeard, but it was something else. Something really personal," Luck told reporters. Apparently, SWAT's eccentric owner was upset over the news that five lizards, sent into space by the Russians last month in an attempt to study the zero-g mating habits of geckos, had frozen to death in low orbit.

 

"I don't know what it is about those little horny lizards, but he loved those guys," Adrian Peterson said later. TGreg's halftime speech wasn't rah-rah, instead he appealed to the inner biologists in all his players, saying that "those frozen f^%k lizards might be dead but they will not be forgotten!" The tactic worked as Antonio Brown was so fired up he drop kicked a punter in the second half.

 

After the game, TGreg announced to the media that in light of the reptilian tragedy, he was going to rename his team to honor the fallen. "I think it's only right that these brave, horny lizards are properly honored. We might not be the league favorites, but with a new name and direction this might be what puts us over the hump... yes, I said hump while referring to space sex lizards." It was then that TGreg revealed his team's new name: Frozen !@#$ Lizards.

 

 

The team name change was only the beginning of the oddities after the game. Despite a hard fought game in which Rob's Team almost managed to pull off the comeback, team owner Rob's House seemed oddly upbeat after the game. "It's true we lost, but I believe there are no losers in life. Only winners. You're a winner, I'm a winner, he's a winner, even JTSP is a winner... in his own way." For anyone who knows the normally cantankerous owner, this change in attitude was completely unexpected. When pressed to explain it, Rob just shrugged and told reporters, "It's like my girl Wendy Davis always says, if something's got you down, put on your best sneakers and tweet a hashtag about it."

 

STANDINGS

 

1. Sarasota Super Novas (1-0)

2. Overanalyze (1-0)

3. Frozen !@#$ Lizards (1-0)

4. Donkey Scrotum (1-0)

5. MiddleFingerManziel (1-0)

6. Rob's Team (0-1)

7. Hazed (0-1)

8. FireChan (0-1)

9. DeathDealers (0-1)

10. Draft Dodgers (0-1)

 

Weekly Power Rankings out on Thursday...

[OCinBuffalo]

PPP Fantasy Football League

 

Week One Recap

 

And we're off. Week 1 is in the books and the league is officially awash in controversy thanks to the post game antics of several league managers. Despite the off the field action, there were plenty of fireworks on the field. The Sarasota Super Nova's exploded onto the scene by scoring an eye-popping 190.96 points and leaving their owner hospitalized while OverAnalyze rode Stafford to a Monday Night Football come-from-behind victory. SWAT and Rob's Team battled down to the wire in what was the game of the week. Let's get to the action:

 

FireChan 145.86 vs Luka (Sarasota Super Nova) 190.96

 

The Sarasota Super Nova's not only scored the most points of the week, they delivered their owner a satisfying personal victory. While it's true that team owner Luka has made beating FireChan his personal super bowl, this reporter cannot confirm that prior to kickoff he had an intern upper deck FireChan's private restroom. The game was close, right up until Charles Johnson stepped onto the field Monday night. Megatron went off for 41 points, each one celebrated by Luka's patented chipmunk dance. But it turned out Megatron's megawatt performance was just prelude to the real show.

 

It was Luka's post game presser that garnered the most attention. He staggered to the podium (he'd later claim the stagger was from a sprained ankle and not because he was drunk) and led off by taunting his opponent. He claimed to have picked his lineup blindfolded just because, "FireChan's not worth his time," and then proceeded to explain why for the next twelve minutes. When reporters were able to bring Luka back to the topic of the game itself, he slurred his words and pointed out that it could have been worse. "We left 13 points on the bench you know why? Because (bleep) FireChan, that's (bleep)ing why." The boysterous owner then attempted to drop the mic, not realizing it was attached to the podium. This lead to Luka swearing at the inanimate podium before finally attempting to tackle it.

 

Team doctors would not confirm Luka broke his collar bone during the tackle, but he was taken to the hospital as a precaution. For those keeping score at home that's two records set by this team: highest point total of the week and the first ever press conference related injury. As of the writing of this article, Luka was still in isolation at Sarasota General, the timetable for his release is still unclear.

 

FireChan was hindered by poor performances from Eddie Lacy and Michael Crabtree both. While he refused to answer questions after the game, Lacy's agent tweeted the owner and player had "heated words." Crabtree told reporters that FireChan and Lacy did have a heated discussion but it wasn't over the game. Crabtree hinted that the discussion was a personal matter and wouldn't go into any more detail. Speculation in team circles suggest the rift could be over FireChan's choice of doctor to evaluate Lacy's concussion. That FireChan wanted to use an unqualified 'yes-man' just to get Lacy cleared, health be damned, could not be confirmed but Gatorman was seen in the lockerroom after the game wearing a stethascope around his neck.

 

 

Hazed 153.92 vs Overanalyze (?) 179.04

 

Overanalyze knew he had something special when he drafted Calvin Johnson's QB. Sure, it wasn't Calvin Johnson himself, but it was as almost as good. Stafford was so good he not only sealed the victory, he compensated for Larry Fitzgerald's slow night. The 179 points were good for the second highest score of the week, a point that wasn't lost on Andrew, Overanalyze's owner, who showed up for his post game presser wearing no pants. When asked what happened to his missing pants he grinned and said, "Well, we beat the pants off Hazed so I sent him my own, it's the least I could do. My mother raised me right, she raised me to give pants to the pantless."

 

Hazed got bit by a wave of inactive players, limiting their abilities to field a winning team. The trouble started when Hazed claimed Josh Gordon off the waiver wires earlier in the week. The exiled WR found a home on the team; some might say he got too comfortable too soon. In a matter of days after the controversal Gordon signing, Hazed lost Ray Rice to indefinite suspension and Wes Welker for four weeks. Some of the local reporters around the team noted a funky smell coming from the team bathroom. When they went to investigate they found Gordon, Blount, Welker and Doug Martin dancing (to no music) and drinking from red solo cups that Welker kept refilling with a mystery drink. While no one saw Gordon smoking weed, there were reports that Doug Martin's poor day was due to Gordon using him as his own personal Buster while he smoked some of Bob's best bud.

 

Source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4W23NIyNbnM

 

With only Trent Richardson and Danny Woodhead able to play off the bench, Hazed goes into Week 2 with more questions than answers.

 

 

Draft Dodgers (Gary) 107.98 vs MiddleFingerManziel (?) 116.16

 

"Scabie-Gate" is what the local papers are calling it Tuesday morning. MiddleFingerManziel flipped the bird to health and safety regulations when he unleashed an infested Brady onto the field this weekend. Brady's teammates knew of the scabies outbreak affecting their marquee QB but Reggie Bush didn't until halftime of the Monday Night Game. It was then that Bush found himself alone in the shower, scratching uncontrollably and trying to figure out what happened. Then he remembered the pre-game junk-graze Brady gave him as a hello. It had seemed odd to Bush when it happened but Brady explained it was the cool new way to greet people and cited Channing Tatum (C-Tat according to Brady) as his inspiration.

 

SOURCE:

 

Reggie was outraged as the memory flooded back. Brady definitely grazed his junk, is it possible that in the process Brady sabatoged Bush's bush by unleashing his horrible Brazilian scabes? We may never know for sure, but one thing we do know is Bush and Victor Cruz failed to dig Gary's Draft Dodgers out of their hole.

 

Worse than the scabies is the knowledge that Gary left over 20 points on his bench, enough to have gotten the win. Gary addressed reporters after the game from behind the mask of a decontamination suit. While Gary was classy enough not to mention the scabies outbreak infesting the visiting team's locker room, he did manage to soothe the fears of Dodger fans by promising "to right the ship," next week.

 

 

Death Dealers (OC) 118.68 vs Donkey Scrotum (Boyst) 154.76:

 

This matchup was supposed to be epic. Boyst versus OC, Death Dealers versus The Scrot'. Instead, this one was a snoozer thanks to the early lead Boyst and his Scrotum built on Sunday. Despite relying heavily on computer AI to build his team, Boyst was quick to point out how a close friend also came to his team's aid during the draft. "I forgot about the draft because, well, look at the !@#$nuts in this league. They're amatuers. None of them have ever chased down a bull before, what did I have to worry about?" Boyst finally made it for the last few picks but decided to alternate between letting the computer pick players for him and his favorite lady, a cow named Molly. Boyst wouldn't elaborate on exactly how Molly helped him build his lineup but he said he couldn't have done it without her. Whatever Molly did worked on Sunday. Despite leaving over 20 points on the bench, Boyst and his Scrotum still won in comfort.

 

Things were not as pleasent for the Death Dealers. Morris, Gore and RG3 appeared lethargic and groggy on the field. Gore was caught sleeping on the bench twice by cameras while Morris and RG3 were seen downing 5 hour energy shots. It was discovered that team owner OC kept his team up late Saturday night by forcing them to read his season manifesto. We have acquired a copy of the 2,000 page document titled " ", which we roughly translated to mean: "Death Dealer's Winning Recipe: A Mission Statement".

 

OC not only distributed his manifesto to players as they got onto the plane, he stood over them and made sure they read every last emojii, going as far as to hold the plane on the tarmac for five hours after they landed. Once players checked into the hotel, they were summoned to a team meeting where OC lectured about the nuances of the manifesto they probably missed out on. The entire meeting lasted until 10am that morning, leaving the team just enough time to get to the stadium for kickoff.

 

"I don't know how he expects me to run the rock on no sleep," Gore told reporters after the game. "I'm a football player, I'm not sure what two hundred pages about why some guy named DC Tom is scared of OC is relevant to winning fantasy games." When OC was asked to clarify his strategy, he simply smiled and asked if I wanted to read his manifesto. I tried to say no, but three hours later I was 1300 pages into it while OC pantomined the action scenes for me.

 

It was bizarre, and it didn't work this week, but next week? "I don't change." OC said. "Change is for the weak. Change is for the progressives. You know, we have a saying around Death Dealer Stadium about progressives..." It was at this point that I attempted to interject and remind OC that my actual question was about Cam Newton's cracked rib, not politics, but there was no stopping the OC train once it left the station.

 

Sadly, we cannot print the rest of OC's statement as it was filled with explatives and non sequitors about Patton.

 

Turn Down For SWAT (Greg) 167.60 vs Rob's Team (#IStandWithWendy) 162.02

 

The biggest surprise of the night wasn't that the game between SWAT and Rob's Team was so close, most experts expected it to be a barn burner, but what happened after. Rob's Team are pre-season favorites to make the playoffs, achored by Matty Ice and a trio of RBs that will give the rest of the league nightmares. Ryan put up the highest score of the week with an impressive 55 points and the three headed monster in the backfield of Ellington, Matthews and Shady McCoy accounted for 42 points but it wasn't enough to overcome SWAT's versatility.

 

After falling behind early, SWAT turned to their leader Neck Beard to guide them back to the light. Andrew Luck played a frantic second half, dropping 40 points when all was said and done, and praising the halftime speech made by team owner TGreg. "He was crying at half time, we thought it was because of how bad we were playing or even the sight of my hideous neckbeard, but it was something else. Something really personal," Luck told reporters. Apparently, SWAT's eccentric owner was upset over the news that five lizards, sent into space by the Russians last month in an attempt to study the zero-g mating habits of geckos, had frozen to death in low orbit.

 

"I don't know what it is about those little horny lizards, but he loved those guys," Adrian Peterson said later. TGreg's halftime speech wasn't rah-rah, instead he appealed to the inner biologists in all his players, saying that "those frozen f^%k lizards might be dead but they will not be forgotten!" The tactic worked as Antonio Brown was so fired up he drop kicked a punter in the second half.

 

After the game, TGreg announced to the media that in light of the reptilian tragedy, he was going to rename his team to honor the fallen. "I think it's only right that these brave, horny lizards are properly honored. We might not be the league favorites, but with a new name and direction this might be what puts us over the hump... yes, I said hump while referring to space sex lizards." It was then that TGreg revealed his team's new name: Frozen !@#$ Lizards.

 

 

The team name change was only the beginning of the oddities after the game. Despite a hard fought game in which Rob's Team almost managed to pull off the comeback, team owner Rob's House seemed oddly upbeat after the game. "It's true we lost, but I believe there are no losers in life. Only winners. You're a winner, I'm a winner, he's a winner, even JTSP is a winner... in his own way." For anyone who knows the normally cantankerous owner, this change in attitude was completely unexpected. When pressed to explain it, Rob just shrugged and told reporters, "It's like my girl Wendy Davis always says, if something's got you down, put on your best sneakers and tweet a hashtag about it."

 

STANDINGS

 

1. Sarasota Super Novas (1-0)

2. Overanalyze (1-0)

3. Frozen !@#$ Lizards (1-0)

4. Donkey Scrotum (1-0)

5. MiddleFingerManziel (1-0)

6. Rob's Team (0-1)

7. Hazed (0-1)

8. FireChan (0-1)

9. DeathDealers (0-1)

10. Draft Dodgers (0-1)

 

Weekly Power Rankings out on Thursday...

 

TLDR;

 

j/k this was funny

 

And, I will take this opportunity to once again remind the board that I was ordered to use emoticons, I was even told how many to use/length of post. So, until that order is recinded, the will continue. All it takes is the poster who gave the order, to own up to it, and recind it.

[boyst]

Lamar Miller and/or Jeremy Hill

and either Ryan Tannehill or Joe Flacco

for a TE.

 

If you have a good extra TE - I will throw in Cordarelle Patterson or Andre Johnson

 

 

------

 

Also, WRT the draft. I looked at the computer A/I and realized it knows more about the current state of fantasy football than I do and I haven't played in forever. I knew that I was able to patch up rosters in smaller leagues with FA's easily. I let the computer give me the best team possible and was happy to see the results.

 

I ended up going spelunking and a black light cave tour that day. It was much more fun.

[FireChan]

Lamar Miller and/or Jeremy Hill

and either Ryan Tannehill or Joe Flacco

for a TE.

 

If you have a good extra TE - I will throw in Cordarelle Patterson or Andre Johnson

 

 

------

 

Also, WRT the draft. I looked at the computer A/I and realized it knows more about the current state of fantasy football than I do and I haven't played in forever. I knew that I was able to patch up rosters in smaller leagues with FA's easily. I let the computer give me the best team possible and was happy to see the results.

 

I ended up going spelunking and a black light cave tour that day. It was much more fun.

 

Does Greg Olsen or Bennet interest you? I don't need QB's though.