Cancer

[outsidethebox]

I am really sorry to hear that Beerball. my prayers are with you. It has been 9 months since my sweet wife was taken from me by cancer. I miss her terribly, just trying to get through the holidays in one peace. God bless all those who are fighting it or lost someone to cancer.

[UConn James]

My mum lost lucidity on Thursday evening (but had ever-so-brief moments until yesterday morning). She's now slipping away and has transitioned to the "active dying" stage.

 

Started overnight hospice care and I am doing meds during the day. Liquid morphine and Ativan to de-facto induce a coma-like state and remove all pain. We are accommodating everyone from friends and family who've wanted to say their goodbyes.

 

So much I could say here, and there are moments all around of of people 'losing their ****' and breaking down and I'm among them. I've been told my heart-of-stone s-i-l that my level of crying is not normal and I should seek a med from my GP (as background, it is highly suspected that I have PDD-NOS / high-functioning autism and diagnosed depression & anxiety with a med that has helped lots), and here I thought that I've actually been handling it all pretty well in comparison to some others. A cousin came over yesterday and said "tears are the overflow of love." I will cry as much as I feel. Could go on and on but I've put most on Facebook and private convos.

 

But... just... please pray for mercy and peace.

[shrader]

We went through that just about a year ago now with my father-in-law. Good luck to you James, it was a rough couple of days. I just hope the care isn't at home like it was for him last year. That was a bit too much to go through.

[NyQuil]

I'm lucky enough that I am still relatively young (33) and that my family has almost know history of cancer. My one grandfather had it twice, beat it twice and live until 93.

 

However working in the medical field and now that my parents are in their 60s its something I worry about much more than I used to.

 

I've taken enough ECMC or BGH transfers to Roswell when they go in for "Flu Like Symptoms" and have a white blood cell count that is through the roof.

[LeviF]

Timely bump. Lost a client to liver cancer this morning. She was 37.

 

Friend's dad was recently diagnosed with stage IV bile duct cancer. Survival rate is something like 2%.

 

Cancer sucks.

[Beerball]

But... just... please pray for mercy and peace.

Thoughts heading your way.

[KD in CA]

My condolences James. We went through those days twice in 3 1/2 years with my folks; everything (including emotions) is very intense during that period and there's a strange anticipation for the result that is a certainty to arrive. In a way it's a relief when it happens, not just because their suffering has ended but also because your immediate (and highly demanding) purpose in life -- to manage the illness and the end game -- also ends. But that too can be difficult because once it's over, the funeral has passed and the out of town relatives depart, there is a notable void that is difficult to fill by going back to the standard routine.

 

Hopefully you'll be able to look back in later years and find some joy in this time of closeness with others in your family. These days we exchange a lot of stories about the final months of my parents' lives, many of them with great humor.

[thebandit27]

My mum lost lucidity on Thursday evening (but had ever-so-brief moments until yesterday morning). She's now slipping away and has transitioned to the "active dying" stage.

 

Started overnight hospice care and I am doing meds during the day. Liquid morphine and Ativan to de-facto induce a coma-like state and remove all pain. We are accommodating everyone from friends and family who've wanted to say their goodbyes.

 

So much I could say here, and there are moments all around of of people 'losing their ****' and breaking down and I'm among them. I've been told my heart-of-stone s-i-l that my level of crying is not normal and I should seek a med from my GP (as background, it is highly suspected that I have PDD-NOS / high-functioning autism and diagnosed depression & anxiety with a med that has helped lots), and here I thought that I've actually been handling it all pretty well in comparison to some others. A cousin came over yesterday and said "tears are the overflow of love." I will cry as much as I feel. Could go on and on but I've put most on Facebook and private convos.

 

But... just... please pray for mercy and peace.

 

I will pray for you.

 

The only perspective I can give is this: my mother died in an accident about a year-and-a-half ago, and sometimes I still burst into tears. When it first happened, I cried so hard, so much, that I thought something was very wrong. It wasn't...she was my mother, and I've never been in that much emotional pain.

 

It's normal.

[DC Tom]

I've been told my heart-of-stone s-i-l that my level of crying is not normal

 

Pardon my interruption, but...bull ****. Pure, unadulterated bull ****. No offense to your sister-in-law...but she's feeding you utter garbage.

 

I know someone who recently lost a loved one after a long illness. He felt grief. And relief, because seven years of watching her suffer and taking care of her was over. Then he felt guilty, because he felt relief, and wondered if he's a horrible person.

 

And I'm telling you what I told him: There's no rulebook to grief*. There's no "right" or "wrong" of it. There is no such thing as an "abnormal" reaction to death. Whatever you're feeling is the right way to feel, period, end of story. So don't beat yourself up over it...just accept your reaction as your reaction and no one else's, and experience it until you're done.

 

 

 

*But if there was, I'm sure it wouldn't apply to The Brady, and Walt Coleman would !@#$ it up.

[Gugny]

Pardon my interruption, but...bull ****. Pure, unadulterated bull ****. No offense to your sister-in-law...but she's feeding you utter garbage.

 

I know someone who recently lost a loved one after a long illness. He felt grief. And relief, because seven years of watching her suffer and taking care of her was over. Then he felt guilty, because he felt relief, and wondered if he's a horrible person.

 

And I'm telling you what I told him: There's no rulebook to grief*. There's no "right" or "wrong" of it. There is no such thing as an "abnormal" reaction to death. Whatever you're feeling is the right way to feel, period, end of story. So don't beat yourself up over it...just accept your reaction as your reaction and no one else's, and experience it until you're done.

 

 

 

*But if there was, I'm sure it wouldn't apply to The Brady, and Walt Coleman would !@#$ it up.

That was very well said. Yes ... it hurt for me to say that. But it was stated perfectly.

[4merper4mer]

Just reading this thread or at least just reading the last couple of pages. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you here. I know Beerboy will fight relentlessly and UConn I am sorry to hear what you've been going through. Tom is right; there is no wrong way to grieve.

[eball]

Pardon my interruption, but...bull ****. Pure, unadulterated bull ****. No offense to your sister-in-law...but she's feeding you utter garbage.

 

I know someone who recently lost a loved one after a long illness. He felt grief. And relief, because seven years of watching her suffer and taking care of her was over. Then he felt guilty, because he felt relief, and wondered if he's a horrible person.

 

And I'm telling you what I told him: There's no rulebook to grief*. There's no "right" or "wrong" of it. There is no such thing as an "abnormal" reaction to death. Whatever you're feeling is the right way to feel, period, end of story. So don't beat yourself up over it...just accept your reaction as your reaction and no one else's, and experience it until you're done.

 

 

 

*But if there was, I'm sure it wouldn't apply to The Brady, and Walt Coleman would !@#$ it up.

 

Well said...the only thing that makes a reaction "wrong" is if it's being done for the benefit of someone else (i.e., putting on a show). If your reaction is genuine, it's "right."

[Clockwork]

F cancer.

 

Just had surgery to have colon cancer removed a few weeks ago. I'm 32. I'm extremely thankful that I got checked out for something different, yet related with abdominal pain, and caught it extremely early.

 

Again, F cancer

[UConn James]

She passed peacefully yesterday just after noon. I was in the middle of administering .5 mL of the liquid morphine slowly as the nurse showed and her breathing changed and her eyes opened and I called everyone in and we said our I love you'd and I told her it was OK to go and to be with her mother and father.

 

Our dog, who laid right with her all the previous night, so quietly (which is unusual) started barking the moment she passed and would not stop. He feels it and I can see his sadness.

 

Thank you everyone for your words.

 

Shrader, over the past two years, we have done time in hospitals and time in home care through Whipple surgery recovery with a feeding tube and meds, then three rounds of chemos and a brief radiation in between, and this last ditch of radioactive seeds. It just metastasized in multiple places and it couldn't be stopped. She disliked the hospital because of the noise and such and because home is comfortable and beautiful with our view of the lake from her room. Her wishes were to pass here. And caring for her is nothing new for me and I'm honored that she trusted me to do it.

 

Tom, I know she's an *hole. She's one who has a Master's in SW and thinks she knows it all. You actually DO know it all... and time has shown that you do also have a heart even if it rarely shows itself. Thank you.

 

KD, We had gone to our GP last Monday to get an appraisal of the situation that we basically knew going in. He said that when his mother passed last year that he felt relief and at the time I didn't quite understand how that could be but after our crying immediately after she went yesterday, I too felt a sense of relief and peace in my chest. I hope it will last and that I don't get grief tightness because after my grandfather & my dog (who was my best friend) passed within a week in 2008, it was like 6 months of feeling like I was having a heart attack all day every day.

 

There re is this hustle and bustle of the next few days / week and then as you said that will subside and there will be a void. Going to have to deal with that as best we can. I am most concerned about one of my nieces who I suspect is also high on the autism spectrum and how she's going to deal with this. We have grown so close in the past two years (she lives just down the road) and how she's processing all of this.

 

Again, I thank you all for your support and thoughts/prayers.

[The Poojer]

Kick its ass Clockwork!!!

 

UConn, I am so very sorry for your loss, stay strong!

 

F cancer.

 

Just had surgery to have colon cancer removed a few weeks ago. I'm 32. I'm extremely thankful that I got checked out for something different, yet related with abdominal pain, and caught it extremely early.

 

Again, F cancer

[shrader]

Pardon my interruption, but...bull ****. Pure, unadulterated bull ****. No offense to your sister-in-law...but she's feeding you utter garbage.

 

I know someone who recently lost a loved one after a long illness. He felt grief. And relief, because seven years of watching her suffer and taking care of her was over. Then he felt guilty, because he felt relief, and wondered if he's a horrible person.

 

And I'm telling you what I told him: There's no rulebook to grief*. There's no "right" or "wrong" of it. There is no such thing as an "abnormal" reaction to death. Whatever you're feeling is the right way to feel, period, end of story. So don't beat yourself up over it...just accept your reaction as your reaction and no one else's, and experience it until you're done.

 

 

 

*But if there was, I'm sure it wouldn't apply to The Brady, and Walt Coleman would !@#$ it up.

 

This is the message that needs to be delivered to my mother-in-law. She pretty much demands that everyone grieve the same exact way she does. She has told my wife on several occasions that my wife hasn't cried enough over this. It is pure BS and all it does is create tension where there shouldn't be any. Someone who just lost their husband of 40 years is not going to react the same way as a 30 year old losing her father. People are different and the sooner the M-I-L figures that out the better. Two weeks ago she actually got upset when I told her that my wife is doing well given everything that happened in the past year. It's just all the more reason to just sit in the corner and to not say a single word.

 

But then again, if there is no right or wrong, I guess her trying to force her grief upon others is ok too.

 

Shrader, over the past two years, we have done time in hospitals and time in home care through Whipple surgery recovery with a feeding tube and meds, then three rounds of chemos and a brief radiation in between, and this last ditch of radioactive seeds. It just metastasized in multiple places and it couldn't be stopped. She disliked the hospital because of the noise and such and because home is comfortable and beautiful with our view of the lake from her room. Her wishes were to pass here. And caring for her is nothing new for me and I'm honored that she trusted me to do it.

 

Ours may have just been bad timing in general. They lived in a very rural area in the mountains of NH and there was a snowstorm one night. The on call nurse took about 6 hours to show up for an emergency call that night. That and they thought it was a good idea to have a 1 and 3 year old in the house during all of this. I'm sure it is different depending on the circumstances, but ours was just a major trainwreck. Right now I'm wishing I hadn't clicked on this thread this morning because it's all starting to hit me again.

 

Best of wishes to you. I hope you can find whatever it is you need to find some peace in all of this.

[DC Tom]

You actually DO know it all...

 

I'm bookmarking this.

 

and time has shown that you do also have a heart even if it rarely shows itself. Thank you.

 

This, though...it never happened.

 

Sorry for your loss (particularly given the season)...but at the same time, I'm glad her trials are over. And don't be shy about getting help if you think you need it - grief counseling can be very helpful.

 

This is the message that needs to be delivered to my mother-in-law. She pretty much demands that everyone grieve the same exact way she does. She has told my wife on several occasions that my wife hasn't cried enough over this. It is pure BS and all it does is create tension where there shouldn't be any. Someone who just lost their husband of 40 years is not going to react the same way as a 30 year old losing her father. People are different and the sooner the M-I-L figures that out the better. Two weeks ago she actually got upset when I told her that my wife is doing well given everything that happened in the past year. It's just all the more reason to just sit in the corner and to not say a single word.

 

Just tell her DC Tom says she's an idiot.

 

But then again, if there is no right or wrong, I guess her trying to force her grief upon others is ok too.

 

Yeah, pretty much. That's how some people deal with it. I use gallows humor, myself.

[MarkAF43]

James so sorry for your loss, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this time.

[plenzmd1]

James,

 

My thoughts with you. Went through the same with my Mom. I felt relief as well.

 

I will try to make this story quick. Went to Boston for a July 4th weekend with my wife when i knew my Mom was sick and going quick. She insisted as we had it planned for so long.

 

Left a day early as i could not stop thinking her. Went to doctor with her next day, will always remember him telling her"this is end of days Gen, we need to only think about pain management now" . Her response was "i am not taking those meds, people get hooked on them to quick"

 

LOL,still makes me laugh, crazy lady passed 4 days later, in her bed, with all her family around.

 

BTW, my son was born nine months later...and yes i know where he was conceived.It was of all places Boston.

[shrader]

James,

 

My thoughts with you. Went through the same with my Mom. I felt relief as well.

 

I will try to make this story quick. Went to Boston for a July 4th weekend with my wife when i knew my Mom was sick and going quick. She insisted as we had it planned for so long.

 

Left a day early as i could not stop thinking her. Went to doctor with her next day, will always remember him telling her"this is end of days Gen, we need to only think about pain management now" . Her response was "i am not taking those meds, people get hooked on them to quick"

 

LOL,still makes me laugh, crazy lady passed 4 days later, in her bed, with all her family around.

 

BTW, my son was born nine months later...and yes i know where he was conceived.It was of all places Boston.

 

This reminds me of my situation a bit. We spent Christmas with her family and then drove to Buffalo on the 26th. A couple days later we got the call that he had taken a turn for the worst. We drove back on the 30th but he was already in hospice care at that point and never woke up. So every now and then I think about how I probably took her away from her last few chances to talk with her father and it doesn't sit well with me.