shrader Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 I'm pretty sure I mentioned in the last thread that my father-in-law was in the middle of a battle with pancreatic cancer. My wife and I got married this past August and that and the birth of his first grand-daughter in October (not ours, my brother-in-law's daughter) were two major milestones that he wanted to reach. He made it to those and looked great. My family who had never met him would never have guessed he was sick at the wedding. He began his downward spiral at the end of October though. By Thanksgiving he was very noticeably sick He was struggling at Christmas but seemed to be in good spirits when family and friends were visiting for the festivities. The day after Christmas, my wife and I left to spend about a week in Buffalo (the in-laws live in NH). Once we left things took a turn for the worst. We were driving back on 12/30 when my wife got the call from her mother, telling her that he was given 1-3 weeks, and was going on hospice care that night. It was one miserable drive as my wife was dead silent for about 3 hours straight. We headed up to NH the next morning, but he was pretty much gone already at that point. He made it 3 more days and then it was over. The thing that bugs me the most about the whole thing is that by making that trip to Buffalo, my wife wound up missing out on the last couple days where she could have been able to talk and interact with her father. We had no idea how quickly things were about to happen, but I think I'm going to feel guilty about that one for a while. As far as advice is concerned, I would say to not let anyone tell you what you are and aren't supposed to do while dealing with this. There is no right or wrong way to deal with this, so just do what you feel is right. Everyone copes differently. Yes, like people are saying, don't go through this alone, but at the same time, don't be afraid to ask people for some alone time as well. Family and friends are going to want to visit you and your wife, but you also need some down time.
John from Riverside Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Thank you all for your great advice. There has been so many phone calls, texts, e mails and visitors I haven't had much time to dwell about it. It's just times like now where it is just me and her alone, with her drugged up pretty well that are hard. There are so many kind and caring people on this board, they do help me deal with it easier. Now DCTom, I agree with your grumpy ass 100%. I respect you enough to take your advice to heart. I am not doing the same things when she was hospitalized in december. I go home every night and get some rest. Thank you Tom and everyone else. TBD is the best Bills board in the world. West Im not gonna pretend to have words I dont have on this.......my heart goes out to you......just stay strong and see it through. Know that her suffering is about to end and you will see her again.
DC Tom Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 As far as advice is concerned, I would say to not let anyone tell you what you are and aren't supposed to do while dealing with this. There is no right or wrong way to deal with this, so just do what you feel is right. Everyone copes differently. Yes, like people are saying, don't go through this alone, but at the same time, don't be afraid to ask people for some alone time as well. Family and friends are going to want to visit you and your wife, but you also need some down time. That's a good point, too. I've seen people who, watching a loved one suffer, feel trapped taking care of that loved one, then angry because they're trapped, then depressed for feeling angry when they "shouldn't," then guilty for being depressed when their loved one's got bigger problems, then guilty again about anticipating the sense of relief they'll have when they're no longer trapped and their loved one's suffering is over...then guilty AGAIN when they're not feeling what they're "supposed" to feel... ...nope, doesn't work that way. It's a difficult, ****ty situation, and you feel what you feel. You know how can tell that what you're feeling is the "right" or "natural" way to feel? Because you're feeling it.
Shamrock Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 My wife lost her brother 5 years ago today, his birthday would've been yesterday. He had a work related illness that killed him slowly, causing much pain & suffering. I see that time heals the wounds, but there are events and days that the reflection seems as painful for her as when he passed. My thoughts go out to you Westy & wish that in some way, life will repay you for your kindness & compassion & for those whiter lies. One foot in front of another, enjoy each breath, don't be afraid of unloading on your fellow man or a professional. Take care.
outsidethebox Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 I would like to take a minute and thank you all for your concerns and kind words. They all mean so much to me. My wife has taken a turn for the worse the last three days and her time on earth is almost over. Some day I hope to be a regular member of this board. But for the time being, I won't be visiting much. I may stop in from time to time when I have some down time. I need time to get my heart and head in order. Thank you all, you have been more helpful than you know.
Canadian Bills Fan Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I am so sorry Westie. My thoughts and prayers go out to you both.
BringBackFergy Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I would like to take a minute and thank you all for your concerns and kind words. They all mean so much to me. My wife has taken a turn for the worse the last three days and her time on earth is almost over. Some day I hope to be a regular member of this board. But for the time being, I won't be visiting much. I may stop in from time to time when I have some down time. I need time to get my heart and head in order. Thank you all, you have been more helpful than you know. Westie - Praying for peace and strength brother. So very sorry.
mead107 Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Thinking of you and your family. So very sorry
Guffalo Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Westside, My thoughts and prayers are with you. Your wife will be with you always and your care and compassion you have shown now and throughout your marriage allows her to know how deeply you love her.
Chef Jim Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 So sorry to hear this. Her suffering will soon be over but yours and your family's will continue on. Be strong.
Gugny Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Westie, you and yours continue to be in my thoughts. I am so sorry for what you're all going through.
Taro T Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Westfall - my thoughts and prayers are with you and your wife.
IDBillzFan Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 May God bless you and your wife at this time. Please find support as soon as humanly possible.
WotAGuy Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Westside: your pain is palpable, and I admire you for sharing it with us. My prayer for your wife is that God holds her in His loving embrace always. My prayer for you is that once you get past the shock, you have (or find) a Higher Power that can bring you relief. I personally believe that since we all are only here temporarily, it's more important and fulfilling to focus on the thought that my loved ones and I will always be together, well beyond this fragile life. God bless you both.
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